Can’t agree on buying house help

[Durumdurum]

We’ve seen a house we really like, but DH doesn’t like location, I do. It’s 5 min drive or 15 min cycle to his preferred location.
To be clear, he really likes the house.

Jm finding it really frustrating… I would be happy here, although I can see that and why he wants to live somewhere with more amenities , but to me, they’re only just down the road.

I want to spend my weekends enjoying the totally private garden, going for nice country walks. He wants to enjoy his free time being able to walk to the co-op, Drs and the library.

I don’t know what to do. I will be disappointed if we lose this house. And I don’t know (and the estate agents I’ve spoken to) don’t know if what we want is going to come up in budget in the preferred locations.

The place I like meets our needs for school, travel, proximity to our current friends and family. It’s just the other locations have slightly better transport (but we both wfh) and amenities.

Should I try and convince him? I don’t want to let my dreams go, but I also obviously don’t want to guilt trip him in to buying in an area he doesn’t like.

@Durumdurum there is those things in the village you are in now but for how longer? The last village I lived in had those things, then the village shop closed, and then the village pub did. We also had a post office which closed because there was no-one to run it.

And those things that you say are 'only a 15 minute cycle ride away' is all well and good when the weather is fine, nights and mornings are light and its not pissing down with rain. So you will become more car dependent that you think you will.

I moved to a different village with more amenities and in the 10 years we have been here have already lost one of the two pubs and the shop. 🙄Nearest town is 15 minutes by car and its a pain to have to get the car out to go anywhere. Also when the kids became teens they hated the village. The lure of the excitement of the outdoors with its woods and nature became boring and they craved to be in the bigger towns where their friends were. We spent years playing taxi to the kids and their extra curricular activities and their social life. Better transport links will become a godsend. These things may not mean much now but one day they will!

@senua they both have countryside. The smaller village we’d be nearer to it as it’s smaller, whereas we might not be totally surrounded by it in the other one, but it wouldn’t be far. Maybe not a view from the house, but accessible

I hear this, I really do. But we’re not moving to a town. I’m just not interested and I know that isn’t for everyone.
Perhaps the compromise is the bigger village.

So I live in a big village, which has a primary and secondary school, the doctor's surgery, Co-op and library. The next village along is two miles from my house, maybe slightly less from the school depending on what end of it you live. It has a primary school, pub, chippy, shop and (actually a major advantage) a post office hub. There are also other villages a little bit further out which don't have those things, and where houses tend to be slightly cheaper. My first choice (like your DH's) would be to stay in the bigger village with more amenities, but still easy access to country walks etc. However, when bigger family houses come on the market they tend to be either newbuilds with smaller gardens, or fancy expensive houses in the conservation area. So I guess I would - albeit slightly reluctantly - move to the smaller village. It's still nice, and there is a good sense of community there so I think once we'd been there for a while I would get over not being in 'my' village. I would not be moving to any of the other villages.

@Durumdurum it would appear that you need to find a compromise between what he would like and what you would like.

I speak from experience having raised two children from toddlers to adults in small villages and the reality of that situation. Hence mentioning the weather when you talk about the idealistic view of able to cycle and that in the dark/rain/snow this may not be as easy as you think and you will be more car dependent. I am just trying to give you a realistic view of this way of life. All things that I wish someone had talked to me about when buying a house and I do wish we have moved nearer to one of the larger towns or villages nearby than the small one we chose.

Surely there must be a larger village with more amenities that will satisfy your DH's need for convenience and your need for countryside.

Anyway, good luck with the search. House hunting is a major investment, not to mention stressful so no-one wants to make a mistake and everyone wants to be happy with where they settle down and have no regrets.

That sounds very similar. Yeah the smaller village has a post office and parcel drops and the like. The houses are much bigger / gardens / private etc. We’d definitely get more for our money and this is a house we like that’s available.

Thank you - I do appreciate that and it’s really useful to hear from people who have been through it

The thing is - firstly there is nothing we’ve actually seen in the other village in at least two years of on off looking.
Isn't this the clincher? He's holding off for something that doesn't exist.

However, you want countryside and we all know that it is being built on. Have you checked the Local Plan to see if your preferred area will still be a green idyll in a few years' time.

Yes it’s a gamble isn’t it, and we can’t know!

This houses position is actually quite unique in that its surrounding areas won’t be built on for a long time. There are new build going up round the corner, but as you say, they are everywhere!

There’s also a slightly complicating factor amongst this - before kids I used to be a PT and I used to run sessions from the garage in our old house before we moved. It’s stopped with the kids and things, but as they get older I want to do more of this.
This means that my ideal location has space for a separate garage / shed / studio, ideally with good parking and maybe a separate access from the house, so it looks more professional.
The house in the smaller village has so much more space and would allow is to build something really cool, maybe treatment rooms or a small yoga studio or something. So as I see it, it’s a space for a job as well as a house. I’m not saying we won’t, but it might be harder to find all this within our budget in the bigger village iyswim.
So that’s also going around my head. The house we’re in now has been such a compromise on that front for me, while my partner has changed jobs at least twice and built his career.
And so while I really don’t want to force him to live somewhere he doesn’t want, and I won’t make him, I just wish we were more on the same page

I’m with your Dh.

And my Dh is with you.

I want things to be walkable, even if l don’t use them. It’s not about that. It’s about country living versus suburban living.

l’d hate to live in the country. Although l
like walking in it. It’s too remote and boring.

I’m with your Dh.
I can tell that from your username!!

🤣

😆

Hmm. It really sounds like you need a much bigger discussion with your DH around careers, sacrifices made, and future plans. He doesn’t get to have everything his own way, especially if he doesn’t even do the shopping or take the kids to the doctor! I’d be team beautiful house, but I’d live in the back of beyond with no other people for miles if I could.

Our golden rule when house hunting was that either of us had the right of veto - no one wants to live somewhere that feels like a major compromise. But, you do need to be mostly on the same page to start with, and I’d agree with others that you need more of a chat about what you want the next stage of your life to look like.

I think house buying is one of those two 'Yeses' to buy and one 'No' not to. By all means discuss it, but if he really doesn't like the location you may have years of complaints about it if you do buy it. Every time he has to take the car when he could have walked it will likely be in his mind, unless he eventually falls in love with it.

Haha this is me. Me and DH are fundamentally different in what we think is cool

Yes you’re right, definitely need more of a chat. I do agree with you that we should both be happy and I’m sure as hell not moving anywhere I don’t like. But I feel like he’s not giving me many alternatives to work with, which is tricky

True, very true. I don’t think he will come to love the area, but I think he already loves the house.

I am team DH. Location is important to me. My last place with DP was quite rural. House had lots of ticks. Large, detached and a sunny garden. But I had to drive anywhere decent or take an expensive taxi. No shops walking distance and nearest town/city was 15 mins drive.

I hated it and now live in a smaller house that is 5 mins walk to a bus , shop and pub. It’s a quick taxi to the city. I am much happier and DP compromised the size for location.

Just don’t end up in a situation where one of you feels resentful.

I get that. I think we’re agreed on big village vs little village as being ok options. He would live in the city but accepts that I really don’t want that and it’s a totally different way of life.
our kids are used to small village life and so am I!

Ultimately this is what I want to avoid, but it goes both ways! I don’t want to feel like I’m living somewhere overlooked and busy when that’s not what I want. But I don’t want to live with his complaints either! And obviously it wouldn’t be fair

@Durumdurum i probably resented him as I was in a tiny village. I would live in a lovely flat in the city. So we compromised to the village we are in as it’s close to everything but still had the rural views