Moved 5 days ago and feel regret

[Nosirrah87]

Sorry in advance for the long post.

My DH and I lived in our last house for 9 years. We had many reasons for wanting to move – busy and congested ‘access only’ street not only used as a rat run but also served a primary school; horrible neighbours at the rear with barking dogs; the extensive development next door which changed our outlook and impacted on our privacy (we objected to the plans, which affected neighbourly relations, but the Council approved them anyway); lack of space as we now both WFH … to name just a few.

We had a terrible time with the house selling/buying process, and it took us a year from first listing to eventually moving. We lost 3 buyers along the way for a range of reasons, but our 4th buyer stuck. It also took us some time to find a new house. The house we chose was the best we had seen, in a familiar area, that ticked a lot of boxes. I was really excited about it. I felt like this was the house we had been waiting for.

We moved last Friday, and it was on Saturday that I started to feel awful. The things that I thought wouldn’t bother me are now bothering me. For example, I was aware that we would be one of the first few houses serving a big cul-de-sac, meaning we would experience some traffic, but it feels as though the volume of traffic is similar to the last place. I can hear the cars in different rooms in the house, and the main part of the garden (it’s a wraparound garden) backs onto the road. I also hadn’t noticed the potential to feel very overlooked if the garden hadn’t of been landscaped in such a way (trees blocking neighbouring windows, etc).

What makes me most depressed is how dark the house is – we moved from a house facing NE-SW with huge windows and lots of light at all times of the day. Our new house is N-S facing with smaller windows. A lot of rooms in the house (even some S facing rooms) are very dark because of the way the house has been constructed. The entrance hallway gets hardly any natural light, so the house isn’t very welcoming when you first step inside. Some rooms need the lights on constantly, and I’m feeling very down about it. We could cut back some of the trees to encourage more light inside in some areas, but we would then be very overlooked. I’m asking myself whether the grey gloomy weather is contributing to a lack of light (but some rooms are still getting a lot of light!).

I’m not sure whether my feelings will improve in time or whether we’ve made a mistake. I’ve cried every day since. My DH gets angry with me every time I start crying and keeps reminding me of why we moved and chose this house. I’m not pining for my old house as such, and I know why we moved/chose this house, but I’m just seeing challenges to overcome and don’t know if I will. I feel so guilty for being the main driver behind this move and now feeling very unhappy.

Has anyone experienced similar feelings with it all working out in the end?

I suspect it's just the emotion of the move (it's so exhausting and stressful). I'd give it a while for you to settle, get used to the house and street, before deciding it's a mistake or not. I also think that house buying is often about compromise. It's very rare you find your dream house in a dream location and you may find the benefits outweigh the downsides once you get used to it

I suffered dreadfully with my last move. Everything felt so unfamiliar and I kept comparing it to my old house. Please be kind to yourself and give yourself time to appreciate the best parts of the house. It’s horrible when you feel like this. Sending you a big big hug.

I'm getting the sense that your experience of home has been fraught for a long time, OP. Living in your old house was stressful, then you had all the angst of selling and sales falling through and the nervous anticipation of being rescued from all this by the new house, and that can really take its toll. Just because that period of your life has come to an end chronologically doesn't mean that your feelings will obediently match up and switch to a new chapter where everything is fine and the mental stress you've been living with just magically melts away. You're not a robot! It will take time to get out of that groove, and so your feelings are not evidence proving that the new house is actually a bad choice. Your current reaction is very possibly just a reflection of your mind being all worked up still, rather than reflecting your environment. I suspect you are experiencing a kind of hypervigilance to things which could possibly pose a threat to your long-awaited sanctuary. For what it's worth, many of the things you mention wouldn't register with me as bad things - which I think may be reassuring to hear, because again, it means that you're much more likely to start liking the house once you're more relaxed.

I'm sending you lots of sympathy, but I also think you are fully capable of settling in in this new house and loving the change once you get used to being in a more peaceful environment and once the constant running stress of buying a house has fully left you. Best of luck 🌻

I've moved a lot and think that what you're feeling is totally normal. First off, the whole sell/buy/move process is knackering so by the time you move you're exhausted.

Then you go from a house where everything was familiar and you'd had years to get it how you wanted to a new place where every noise is new, you're in a muddle of boxes and have lots to do to make it your own.

You just need time to settle, to sleep, to relax and let the stress of it all dissipate.

I don't know where you are in the world, but the weather where I am has taken a turn for the worse in the last few days and everywhere is a bit more dreary, the house here is darker. After months of sunshine it's a bit of a downer even if you've not just moved.

In a few months you'll have settled in, got used to all the new noises, you'll have sorted out your stuff, put lamps, cushions, mirrors and photos out, it'll feel like yours. You'll have met your neighbours, had some happy times in your new home and be appreciating all the good things that made you want to buy the new house.

Open a bottle, put some music on, have a bit of a party. It'll all be ok.

My dh had this feeling in one house we moved to about 5 years ago and we absolutely should have stuck it out as it would have got better I'm sure, but in the end we moved again very soon after. I was furious at the time, but he had such a strong reaction I agreed to move in the end as I felt if I'd had that reaction I'd have wanted him to do the same. I still feel we should have stayed though! So my advice is stick it out, give it time. This time of year is similar to when we moved to that house dh hated and I think its a bad time of year at the end of the summer for those sorts of feelings.

Try and concentrate on what it is you liked about your new home. The things you were looking forward to about it. Why you chose it. And as everyone says give it some time so you can settle in. It's very end of one thing beginning of a new thing time. :)

Look at how you can soften lighting, use mirrors, curtains on windows to deaden noise. Road noise is often time specific, so focus on quiet periods and weather amplifies / deadening noise, so give it time. Also give yourself a period to take a breather after moving to get settled.

Give it time, OP.

It’s so very normal, stop for a second take off the emotional hat and put on the logical one.
Moving, packing all that upheaval is stressful all on it’s own for anyone, it feels like everything lies on making the right choice, and the what ifs just keep growing and growing. When you think of a negative replace it with a positive, start putting things away, make a little corner of familiarity, so the sun comes in the garden at different times - just an opportunity to grow different things !
be kind to yourself ❤

It does take time for it to feel like your home. Try to enjoy the bits you like about it and give yourself time to get settled. At the moment it’s just a house, in time it will be your home! If you don’t like it in another year, you can always move again.

It’s hard finding your dream home. I’m desperate for some outdoor space but need to stay in my apartment till I’m in a better place financially. Enjoy your garden and make it your own. 🙂

Nice warm glowing paint shades and lots of mirrors! Gold, amber tones in cushions and rugs/ blankets. Lots of houses have dark halls, that’s why they usually have huge mirrors in them. Make what light there is, bounce around and glow.
it will work, you can make it work. It’s just all very new and different and disorienting, good luck..you’ll feel better soon, once you engage with the house creatively.

When we moved into this house I thought it was the worse thing ever! I was actually scared of being in the house alone. It is the first and only house DH ever bought and we had previously lived in a rented compact modern 2 bed flat. I got over myself as we had bought the property so not so easy to move and it was ridiculous- I never even told DH how I was feeling.
We are still here and I love it!
So much so we have dismissed moving (strong possibilty if we wanted to) We have paid the mortgage off so are looking at renovating and improving ready for our retirement now. It is home. I would never have thought it back then!
I moved around a lot as a kid- 2/3 yrs tops in each house and the first night in each (perfectly lovely house) I wanted to go back to the old one. Took about 6 months to settle.

You sound overwrought and just need some Prosecco. Everything will start to look fine. Half the time I don't even notice who's house I'm in.

I'm sort of on the fence here. Having moved within the last year, from the moment I stepped through the door, I loved it! But anything would have been better than where I lived previously and the situation I was in.
However, I had loads of time to view houses on line. I had such a big 'must have' list I thought it was impossible. Friends and family can't believe I've got such a gem.
Sounds like, due to losing 3 previous buyers, you might have been in a bit of a rush maybe? Perhaps you didn't have time to google earth and research the area. Even so, it sounds much better than your previous house. You will grow to love it. Stick it out for now and see how it goes.

There were many issues about your last place that you didn’t like. Moving was the right thing to do, so don’t think about that.
next issue…Is your new house the right one? Maybe!

My NF kitchen is dark. It used to be white and boring/cold looking. Anyway painted one wall navy and I have fairy lights and a lamp and it looks great now. Or I like it anyway.

Remember no house is perfect and we’re heading into Autumn so it’s getting a bit darker now anyway.

…and then move maybe in a year or two if you hate it!

@Nosirrah87 About 18 months ago, I wrote pretty much the same thing. We moved in on a Friday and when I woke on the Saturday, I immediately realised I’d made the worst mistake ever. Nothing was right nor felt like home, it was freezing and nothing was familiar….it was all just horrible and I would have given anything to turn the clock back. But now, I absolutely love it although I can’t give a specific moment of when everything came together for me/us. It was tough for the first few months with many tears and arguments, I even got some sage to smudge the house in the hope I’d feel better ( I don’t think it made a difference but I was desperate to try anything). I hope in time you also turn a corner and fall in love with your new home but I completely empathise with how you’re feeling right now.

Maybe see if you can do anything with sound proofing eg for the car noises (better windows/doors? Low level shrubbery to front? Actual sound proofing materials? And lights and mirrors that could bounce more light around the rooms? Glass internal doors downstairs? It’s a huge upheaval to move and you’re bound to be feeling weird anyway so go easy on yourself and sorry your husband is so impatient. Men often just want to fix a problem or see it logically rather than let you feel the feelings…

You moved as meteorological autumn arrived on 1 September. Yes it does seem to darken suddenly. Our lights and wood burner are on this week, so you have noticed the change and it has coincided with the move. Are your work from home spaces operating efficiently and can you make those rooms pleasant to be in very quickly? Choose calming colours and an excellent chair/desk/extra screen. Green plants and good lighting. Enjoy the extra space you wanted. Ask someone round for a relaxed meal/coffee.
Rest - you have been on eggshells for a year or more so try to find a way to ground yourself, get outside this weekend to the best park, coffee shop, wine bar. Good,luck.

The weather really don't be helping. My house feels dark atm but it isn't normally.

Any scope for adding sun tubes or ceiling lanterns etc to add light? You'd be amazed at what can be done.

Its not "home" yet.

It will be, but right now its a box full of boxes that you live in. I remember when my parents (and I) moved when I was 15. They had lived in the old house since I was born. Moved for all the right reasons. My father picked me up from somewhere and drove back to the old house on autopilot (he was 37) and I asked why he had come back there. He said "Oh shit, yeah. We dont live here anymore". He didnt cry but I definitely got the feeling he was upset, andhe was the driving force behind the move.

There is a reason why moving house it up there for the most stressful things in life! Give it time, you will make it home.

I would explain to your DH that you are not saying you need to move again, just that you are struggling with the adjustment and need patience from him. If he is a good man, then he will understand.

Sutures are great and don't compromise your privacy or require curtaining.

You feel as though your back is against the wall because moving house feels like such a final decision. And it sounds as though your partner is being very unsympathetic about it, which doesn't help.

Try to remember that nothing in life has to be absolutely permanent. Tell yourself that if you really feel like this in two years time, despite having tried hard to make the house your own, you will do something about it. Sometimes just removing that feeling of lack of choice can help us to relax and feel more positive about our current situation.

Just one thing. Why do people get so het up nowadays about being "overlooked"? Unless you want to cavort naked in your garden, so what? From my upstairs windows I can see into my neighbours' gardens, they can see into mine, and at night, if we have lights on and curtains open, we can see into each other's houses. Nobody cares, as we are not voyeurs. If you want privacy, you close your curtains. Cut the damn trees down, we did and our garden has never felt so bright and spacious.

Anyway, aside from that, I recommend painting everywhere inside that is dark with white or very light colours, using Dulux Light and Space paint, it is made to reflect maximum light and does make a difference.

It's totally normal! I was renting once and took ages to find the 'perfect' house. Once I got the keys, I hated it so much I didn't even want to move in! Over time, I settled in and it became home. Now I've moved again and still look back at the things I loved about that house. But I've learned to focus on the good things about the house I'm in now instead of regretting what I've lost.

We’ve moved recently and it’s such a stressful process. We feel exhausted. I think what you’re feeling is normal. Give it time.