Depression after buying first house in area I hate

[Sweetenermaz]

Hi everyone this is my first time posting and is a difficult one for me.

I am 28 and am lucky enough to have just bought my first home with my partner. I grew up in Richmond in London and I realise I was very very lucky to do so. Me and my partner were living at my mums house in Putney saving for our first home and had initially been looking at flats in West/ SW London (Chiswick, kew, Putney) but couldn’t find anything suitable long term in our budget. We expanded our search and realised if we moved further out we could get a lot more for our money. We were rushing to get somewhere and to get our purchase done before the stamp duty changed in April, which would mean we would save over £7k in tax. We ended up buying our first house in Feltham for 10k under asking. The house itself is nice, cosy and I feel safe inside. The area beyond the house and surrounding streets/estate we are in I absolutely despise. I don’t feel safe, the people are rough, crime is rife and there’s just generally nothing at all to do. It’s so depressing. It’s caused me to spiral into a deep depression for which I am taking citalopram and doing CBT therapy. I cry everyday and my spark has gone. It’s causing a huge rift in my relationship as my partner is the one who told me the area is fine and he was naive and wrong. We initially wanted to start our family here, which has swiftly gone out the window since we realised what the area is like. I feel so stupid.

We have agreed that we will move in December 2026 but I’m not even sure I can wait that long. I am counting down the days till we can leave which I hate. We can’t sell right now as we would lose a significant amount of money which we can’t afford right now.

Has anyone been in a similar situation or can offer me support or advice ? Thanks

Very few places will compare to Putney or Richomond though!

The problem is that the ‘ladder’ as it was, doesn’t really exist any more.

This, people giving examples from years ago are irrelevant these days.

I had a house I hated, but it was my second house, not my first. The area was OK, but not my preferred area, but the house needed loads more doing to it than I had anticipated and it turned out we had over paid for a house in that condition and some things just couldn't be changed (parking issues, neighbour issues). I very much missed my first house and regretted selling it, I got very depressed and quarrelled with my husband a lot, as he had been the one pushing for the house.

We moved 18 months later. We lost money on the house, but it was worth it. I'm still living in the next house 20 years later. If you know in your gut the house is wrong, move as soon as you can.

This person has given the perfect reply!

Carry on! We moved into our first house (near poor schools) when I was 6 weeks pregnant with our first child. The school area was not something we were willing to compromise on. When my first dc was 3 we then moved in to our beautiful home that is walking distancing to his amazing school. All sorted as long as you plan accordingly :-)

Hi Karen ‘harsh but fair’ Brady.
It’s not that I think that you are wrong in what you say, but would it kill you to throw in a measure of subtle kindness to someone who does not have your resilience and is sinking right now.

As someone who lives near both areas, she's not being precious.
Richmond to Feltham is a tough one.
Try to keep saving and work on moving in the future.

OP my first property was a flat in Stratford. Believe me that is not the nicest area to live in!

But I did make it look as nice as it could. Enjoyed finally having a home of my own and then I sold it at a profit a few years later and bought a terrace house in a much nicer area.

Your first step on the ladder is unlikely to be the perfect house, unless you have a lot of money.

Also moving is always very stressful and it takes a while to settle in a new home and buyer remorse is very common.

Give it a bit more time and you can always sell and move if you don't settle after a year.

My first house was in one of the roughest areas of Birmingham. The people were rough but actually nice and whilst crime was high you were less likely to be a victim as a local. House burglaries for example were more likely to happen in the neighbouring more affluent areas.
I saw it as a stop gap and tried to
make the best of the nicer bits surrounding but in a strange way now I’ve moved I do miss it.
You know it’s not forever so concentrate on that. Work hard and you’ll have moved before you know it. I lived in that area for over 5 years before I could afford to move somewhere better

I’m feeling your pain. Richmond to Feltham is a shock to the system no doubt. I’d sell asap tbh, and work out your budget and see if you can afford a 1or 2 bed flat. Depending on your budget. House in Richmond / Chiswick / Kew will be out of the question I assume. As it is for most.

Mortlake, Ealing and South Acton are often compromises if you must have a house.

But yes, no point in staying really.

I’m truly sorry that you are feeling so badly mental-health wise op.

I think it might be helpful though to work on your acceptance, gratitude and resilience. I don’t mean that in a narky way either. I’m absolutely serious.

Get yourself a gratitude journal and write down three things every night that you are grateful for, three things that you can do to help your situation, including things for yourself, your dh, and for others, (even if it’s just something tiny like changing your bed sheets) and three things you can accept, It’s not just woo nonsense, it really helps if done consistently.

Lots of people are homeless atm. Including families with young kids. Loads of people renting privately have found that their rents have gone up to a point they can barely get by and are very stressed about the future. I know a divorced older woman trying to survive like this and she has very little hope of earning in the future to improve her situation because she is in her seventies. Her future is really precarious as a result. At least you have youth on your side.

I had to live in many different countries in some truly crappy accommodation when I was first married. Imagine being in your first flat and not knowing a soul, with your dh gone all day and travelling often, and not speaking the language? The first flat I lived in had cockroaches in the kitchen and our immediate neighbour was a violent alcoholic who ranted all night. He would occasionally try and break in to the other flats including ours. It was scary.

I don’t think it’s fair that you blame your dh either. Come on op, this is your first test as a married couple. He may have been naive and wrong but you also signed on the dotted line so take some responsibility and start acting like a member of a team. Apologise and step up. You can’t in any case reverse your decision now so you may as well accept that you both made a mistake and move on.

You are not helpless here op. You can start by doing everything you can to improve your mh like sleeping well, eating nutritious food and exercising, Once you get those three things right you are half way there,

Not everyone who lives in Feltham will be a violent thug either, There will be women and families living there who have no chance of moving out and are making the best of it. Why not start going to a local church or community centre and start getting involved in local projects? Ask not what Feltham can do for you, but what you can do for Feltham! 😄

Why not start a family now? I don’t understand your reasoning? The period when you are pregnant, looking after babies and toddlers, is one where you are pretty much stuck at home anyway, You have a city farm in your area. You have Windsor, Tower Bridge and other nice places 15 mins away. Why delay? The added bonus is that having small dc and going to baby classes will help you meet other locals.

You are on your way op. It may not be ideal but there will be people in your area who live weekly pay cheque to weekly pay cheque who will never have a hope of buying their own place and would love the opportunity of owning their own home. I am not saying that it won’t be hard but give yourself some time to adjust. I don’t mean to sound harsh or unsympathetic either. As a former military wife, I have been there and worn the t-shirt.

Come on op, you are far from stupid and it makes me feel sad that you write that about yourself. You did the right thing and it’s not going quite as planned that’s all. So what? You won’t be stuck there forever! You have youth on your side and the possibility to change your circumstances given a few years You owe it to yourself to not give up in the meantime. It may be a challenge but being out of your comfort zone makes you learn, grow and ultimately become stronger. If you have to, get up every day and fake it until you make it 💐

18 mths is not long. We’ve just moved after fourteen years in an area that we didn’t like

It sounds like you've stuck with West in hopes of it feeling like/close to the places you like but can't afford, rather than, say, going south and moving somewhere you can afford that's more like the places you like. West is expensive even for the grottier areas, so I'd compromise on not being West and look at places where you'd feel more at home, whether it's Dulwich or Greenwich or even out to Tunbridge Wells or something, wherever has that feel that you're missing. It's okay to not stay somewhere you don't like if you've got options. Now you know what you need from your next move, plan it.

Oh and we moved somewhere not so nice in Croydon (less nice than Feltham) and it was okay for a while but we managed to move further in to a nicer part of south London which feels like home and it's now where our kids are from, which I'm happy with. We drive through the old area sometimes and I feel glad we moved and like I'd have left London completely if that had been the only option. So it's okay to know yourself and strategise for somewhere you'd be happier. Hopefully knowing it's only a stepping stone will help ease any depression.

Probably not helpful to mention this but someone I know (male in his fifties) got quite seriously hassled by a gang of teenage girls walking back from the station to his house in Tunbridge Wells. He says it’s a regular occurrence and quite scary and friends of his now don’t take that route after 9 pm and he has worries about walking that way.

I don’t know TW that well, just thinking of places my posher friends have moved and feel at home. There’s all kinds of people and some risk of trouble everywhere of course, but it sounds like OP wants a particular vibe that lots of places can offer beyond west London.

You cannot afford to live in Putney etc
Maybe move further away from London

It's just your first rung of the property ladder. Sleep there, go to work and at weekends hop on the very frequent trains to wherever you want!

If it helps at all, a friend of mine has been living in Feltham for around 4 years with no issues. I know the area a little as I used to spend time in Ashford.

My first place in London was in an unappealing location and the flat itself wasn't great either but I just recognised it for what it was - my way into home ownership - and made the best of it. I look back and count my lucky stars that I was willing to do that as now I have much more choice.

I lived on an awful estate for 7 years after my divorce. It’s rough when you have lived in nice, safe areas before. Try to move on when you can. Area is everything.

Aw I really feel for you. Could you let the house out and go back to your mums house and use the rent to save for a house somewhere nicer? Your mental health is crucial to your well being and I really would prioritise it. It’s a terrible lesson for your relationship, that your bf wasn’t on the same page as you in understanding the impact of this. You know the old saying of the man in the relationship has all the big decisions to think of, like who runs the country and who should win the World Cup, while the woman does all the small stuff, like where they live and how many kids they have…. Gender stereotypes exist for very good reason!

OP, could pp suggestion of letting out the property and moving back in with your mum work? Also, use this time to scope out other potential areas.

I can relate OP. Sorry that it has worked out this way for you. Could you move back in with your Mum and rent the house out for a year?
We ended up taking a financial hit and borrowing more from the bank in order to move back to our desired area. Our new mortgage is approx 60K more. We also ended up with a smaller house. Some people thought we were absolutely mad but it was 100% worth it. Location is everything and I am so glad we did it. It was a very stressful time but the sense of relief when we finally got everything over the line was amazing.
Have you spoken to any EA’s or mortgage providers about your situation? I would keep in contact with anyone involved, it keeps the dream alive and is a nice distraction. Failing that, just put your head down and focus on the fact that it’s not forever.
The very best of luck!!!

I mean do you have to go out in the area at all really..?

If you drive, the only part of the area you need see is the 5 steps to your car.

You're letting a moderate inconvenience dictate your life into misery. Put it in its correct place.

See your GP about your depression.
Find out your best transport links away from the area asap if you don't drive. And spend your evenings and weekends out of the area.

Sorry, maybe it’s just me, but speaking as a mother of two adult dc who I love and adore, I would not be thrilled at my 28 year old daughter and her husband moving back home, them having moving out fairly recently, and nor would their father, my dh.

Does no one consider the parents opinion.in this situation? It’s an easy solution to say “rent out your existing home and move back in with your parents” and it could be fine but at least consider your mum’s mh first?

I didn’t buy but rented after our private landlord sold his property in a lovely area. Due to having a child council put us in awful area. Really damaging for me and my child. Didnt take long for the disgusting neighbours to start calling me a copper or social worker bevause I just did not fit in. They were awful and bullied me. I got out within a year and I am so glad I did. Horrible experience.

Gosh, this is depressing!