Feel like we’ve failed- didn’t make our dream house work

[Jellicalcats]

We’re on the cusp of exchanging contracts and I feel really sad.

We used to live near Oxford in a beautiful but tiny cottage which, with 2 children, poorly paid jobs and not enough money to reasonably upsize we sold 6 years ago to move north with much better jobs.

That move was a wrench and due to lockdowns, sale delays etc, after a period of 18 months squatting at my parent’s house we had to make a decision and decided to move to my home town (never thought I’d move back!). I had a lot of reservations (schools being a big one) but my partner loves the town and I could see some benefits for the kids (lots of fresh air and countryside being a big plus).

We found our dream home, something we never thought we would be able to buy, newly-renovated and just beautiful. Everyone was amazed when we bought it and we were so proud of ourselves and excited.

However, a little bit of decorating quickly turned in to a lot of heavy-duty DIY, living in a building site and spending every weekend and evening trying to fix it up due to hidden issues. It’s been a terrible 4 and a half years with the house and other things that have happened and partly due to both, it’s been a very unhappy 4 years.

We decided over a year ago to sell, move closer to family and to somewhere with good schools to take away some of the worry. Our mortgage is due to rise in summer on the current house and due to the rise in value on this one we could pay off a big chunk of the mortgage.

We frantically finished all the urgent jobs last year, put it on the market and had an offer in the first week. We’ve since, for the first time, been able to invite friends over and we’ve had people gushing over the house which has put things in to perspective a bit and we realise how lucky we’ve been to have this. The kids are also gutted and terrified about moving so I have a lot of guilt going on.

The new house is lovely (and needs minimal work!) but not as dramatic as our current home, it’s a much more “normal” house. It’s near an excellent school though, pretty, although quiet, village and closer to grandparents. It’s not my dream home but it’s nice.

I feel like we’ve failed. If me from 4 years ago could see what was happening now I’d be in disbelief that we were selling the house. We’re also moving away from friends (some of whom can’t understand our reasoning) and I’m worried we’re going to be very lonely.

Has anyone else bought a dream home and then downsized/ had to sell?

If you don’t need to sell for financial reasons then you can always pull out of the house sale?

I don’t believe in a ‘dream home’. It’s bricks and mortar. Move and build your ‘dream life’ with no building hassle, grandparents close by, good schools and good friends that you haven’t met yet.

I think you have a couple of separate considerations here but I agree that there's no such thing as a dream home. What we think we need/want (and what we actually need/want) changes over time, and develops with us, as it were.

It’s not entirely clear to me why you’re selling up when you’ve done so much of the work and clearly love the house and presumably the reasons you liked the area are still valid, plus your children are understandably reluctant to move yet again. Can you absolutely not afford the mortgage increase in the summer?

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t move again in your circumstances unless there was no way I could afford the mortgage.

And don’t get me wrong, we bought a house in 2020 that needed far more done than originally envisaged, and are about to enter the final phase after living on a building site for four years, but the way I see it, we have a lot of arrears of pleasure in the house to pay off. We want to stay and enjoy it for years to come.

Unless the schools are actually dangerous where you live I would just stay put.

@Coriol the house is VERY expensive to maintain and although we can afford it we’ve reassessed what’s important and ploughing all of our money in to a property isn’t a priority for us anymore.

There are still a few jobs to do if we wanted to stay here- some small, some disruptive and some could be very expensive if they are eventually needed. it would be a few more years until they were all sorted and it would take a lot more money and our time to sort them out.

The mortgage is already pretty high and the payments are likely to increase by £500 in the summer per month. Again, we can afford that but we don’t want to spend our money on interest.

The school situation is a big problem. Low expectations and aspirations in the area mean the schools perform very poorly and we’d worry for our children. Both are bright but the environment in the secondary schools isn’t right for them. The primary has already been a problem for several years (our 9 year old has never been taught to tell the time because the teacher skipped it to let them watch Disney films instead), so parents who are concerned about education pay a premium for tutoring from an early age and then hope for the best.

We know (or hope!) it’s the right thing for the kids (much better schools, higher aspirations amongst peers, more disposable money, closer to family), but it all feels very sad.

Also I think it's very hard, if you spend any time in social media (hi Insta!!) to ignore the fact that success is measured culturally at the moment by how big and stylish ones house is.

We have a fairly small, ordinary house, but it's cosy, secure, and a lovely home for our family AND we will have paid off our mortgage considerably earlier than a lot of friends. It's a nice part of the world and have access to green open space (and parking, which I really value 🤣)

We'd rather spend the extra money on social/travel etc (although we're not big spenders by any means), but I do question our decision every now and again, especially when I see people in Insta with their massive kitchens and lovely dinner parties!!

Yes my parents went through something similar, although it was the 2008 financial crash so they lost the house entirely without a chance to downsize. My mum ended up in a women's refuge, my dad ended up sleeping on a friend's couch. They're still a high 5 figures in debt from all the costs.

You are doing the right thing.

It's sad to give up a dream house and I understand why you're upset.

It isn't a dream house, because it's too expensive to maintain and you've had years of stress. It sounds like a nightmare house!

You seem embarrassed to live in a 'normal' house. But a happy family in a happy home is way more of a success story than an unhappy family in a 'dramatic' house.

Maybe it'd help to reframe it, so it's not your "dream house"?

Or just reflect on whether it is?

If it is, and it's still affordable, then stay. It sounds like there are workarounds to all the downsides, and you enjoy it a lot more now that it's impressive and you can enjoy it and host in it.

If it's not your dream home anymore, then it's fine to decide that. Any of your reasons are valid... it's too expensive, it's not ideally placed for schools, it may need future work. Any of those, let alone all of them, is enough to make it not your dream house...

My caution would be around whether you're giving this up to downsize to something else that you don't seem certain about, because it's got some ticks that the current house doesn't have, but also some crosses. And, as you found out here, there's no guarantee that the new house won't need work. We had the best survey you could have, did about 5 viewings, and are still living with things coming to the fore three years later... It is tough, and there are days I'd trade it all in for a "finished" house, but I'm not sure there's any such thing!

You haven't failed op. I would move on the basis of the school situation alone, never mind all of the other reasons.

@Elsbetka i agree! Insta is terrible for selling the belief that big houses are the mark of success.

TBH our house looks a bit show-homey (period property but styled to an extent, mostly because we knew we were going to sell it) but we have a friend with a comparably smaller house, cluttered with family life and my kids have repeatedly said how much they love that house.

Similarly I recently went to a children’s party at a home which was quite a small cottage
(3x2m kitchen, 3x4m living room etc at a guess) but decorated so beautifully and I came away feeling very jealous of the homely feel they had. I’m hoping we can get the same feeling the new house we’re moving to.

You really are doing the right thing. Pp have made a really good suggestion - reframe it so that you're no longer focusing on what you're giving up but on what you're gaining and most importantly what your children will gain.

Wishing you all a very happy life in your new home! 💐

We have a nice safe new build with modern heating. I prefer the character of period properties… but I don’t have deep pockets. We can’t always have what we want in life.

Seriously OP - it sounds like your house will be a never ending money pit and was renovated before you bought by someone with an eye for all fur coat and no knickers!!

It's not about house, it's about overall lifestyle and having no cash due to a house that swallowing it all is no fun unless you are both of that mentality

@ThisOliveMentor the new house is a mix of period property and more than 50% only a couple of years old due to a big extension. During the winters we’ve been craving a warm new build but this one ticks a lot of our boxes in terms of quirky features plus underfloor heating!

@Jellicalcats check it's got wet underfloor heating- ( which is fine) we have some gas and some underfloor electric heating downstairs- it's an absolute catastrophe on bills if you have huge areas of electric underfloor heating in my experience-

Yes I was exactly in your situation. Lovely renovated house but expensive and exhausting. Moved to a smaller cheaper house and even though sometimes I think it’s a shame I’m not there, I’m glad I moved as finances are so much better. I don’t have any money worries now and life feels a lot calmer.

If your house has been making you unhappy for 4yrs then it's definitely not your dream home. Life is too short for that nonsense.

I think from everything you've said, I'd let this house go, OP. You've put a lot into it, you're going to make money on it which you can pay forward to your next chapter, and I'm sure being closer to grandparents etc. will bring a lot of benefits too.
Wishing you luck 🍀

I think tou need to reframe your thoughts a little.

It WAS the dream house.
It wasn't what you thought.
You've had a tough few years and have an exit plan and a refresh of finances.
Grab it, enjoy the relief of that and don't look back.
If it helps, write down all the pros and cons and whenever you are felling a little regretful, read the cons of the house you are selling.

It's not a dream house if the local schools are poor.

Think of it this way - you're being a good example for your children, showing them that you can rethink your decisions and with new data and experience, change course towards a goal that is more in line with your family's needs, requirements, and values.

Their feelings really shouldn't be part of your decision making process, although of course you should support them through this change. They'll be fine.

We moved house 7 months ago and it was a massive upheaval and wrench for my older DC, but they are in better schools in an area that suits our family's needs better. There's no comparison; it was worth every bit of time/energy/stress/money spent.

Yep I agree your reasoning for leaving is sound, so if fact it clearly cant be yiur dream home as the flaws it has are huge!