Feel like we’ve failed- didn’t make our dream house work

[Jellicalcats]

We’re on the cusp of exchanging contracts and I feel really sad.

We used to live near Oxford in a beautiful but tiny cottage which, with 2 children, poorly paid jobs and not enough money to reasonably upsize we sold 6 years ago to move north with much better jobs.

That move was a wrench and due to lockdowns, sale delays etc, after a period of 18 months squatting at my parent’s house we had to make a decision and decided to move to my home town (never thought I’d move back!). I had a lot of reservations (schools being a big one) but my partner loves the town and I could see some benefits for the kids (lots of fresh air and countryside being a big plus).

We found our dream home, something we never thought we would be able to buy, newly-renovated and just beautiful. Everyone was amazed when we bought it and we were so proud of ourselves and excited.

However, a little bit of decorating quickly turned in to a lot of heavy-duty DIY, living in a building site and spending every weekend and evening trying to fix it up due to hidden issues. It’s been a terrible 4 and a half years with the house and other things that have happened and partly due to both, it’s been a very unhappy 4 years.

We decided over a year ago to sell, move closer to family and to somewhere with good schools to take away some of the worry. Our mortgage is due to rise in summer on the current house and due to the rise in value on this one we could pay off a big chunk of the mortgage.

We frantically finished all the urgent jobs last year, put it on the market and had an offer in the first week. We’ve since, for the first time, been able to invite friends over and we’ve had people gushing over the house which has put things in to perspective a bit and we realise how lucky we’ve been to have this. The kids are also gutted and terrified about moving so I have a lot of guilt going on.

The new house is lovely (and needs minimal work!) but not as dramatic as our current home, it’s a much more “normal” house. It’s near an excellent school though, pretty, although quiet, village and closer to grandparents. It’s not my dream home but it’s nice.

I feel like we’ve failed. If me from 4 years ago could see what was happening now I’d be in disbelief that we were selling the house. We’re also moving away from friends (some of whom can’t understand our reasoning) and I’m worried we’re going to be very lonely.

Has anyone else bought a dream home and then downsized/ had to sell?

Having said all that I said upthread, I think your feelings are totally normal and natural btw.

I sold a family home a couple of years ago in circumstances I was very ambivalent about. The house looked fantastic for viewings, having for years been a building site crossed with some kind of TV programme about extreme hoarding. All I could think about in that period was how much I'd miss the beautiful views and the new power shower and my beloved stove cooker. What I conveniently airbrushed out was the busy road, the dismal neighbours and how fucking cold it was in the winter. And the truth is that selling it was the right thing to do for all those reasons and more. But it doesn't mean I wasn't sad.

Your children will have lovely memories of their early childhood, but as they get older they'll have different wants for how they spend their time and it won't matter that the things you do are not those things. And when they're teenagers you'll probably move again because they find village life boring and want to be near cinemas and shops and their friends' houses, and you'll be sad again but also secretly glad because you're fed up with ferrying them everywhere in the car.

And after that, they'll leave home and you can move to exactly where you want (maybe even your dream home).

@Nic834 In terms of schools, from all the research we’ve done and the many local people we’ve spoken to near the new house it really does seem like the right thing to do. One big worry is the children leaving their friends (and us leaving all the people we know). It’s not helped that the last couple of weeks have been filled with kids birthday parties. We had two yesterday (!) and seeing the girls so happy surrounded by all their friends made both myself and my partner feel pretty terrible. My eldest’s best friend has apparently been in tears all week about our move. My daughter has likewise been getting upset now the move feels imminent.

They also felt like a goodbye to all the parents we’ve known for the last 6 years. My partner and I had a big talk about it last night and agreed that in terms of our friends we are getting a bit sentimental. There are only a couple of families we socialised with outside school runs, school events and kids parties, and even with them it was pretty rare. In a couple of years the kids would be at secondary school and we’d barely see them. It’s the familiarity that I’m worried about missing.

My daughter’s birthday will be 5 days after we move and not being able to celebrate with her friends feels like another big blow to her.

In terms of the new house, it was extended and fully renovated 7 years ago. The renovation has been lived in and the level 3 survey (as much as we can trust that) came back pretty clear (just some pointing needed to the chimney). We visited a couple of weeks ago, the EPC is good and it was warm (!), something our current house isn’t which affects us a lot. There are a couple of projects if we want to do them (e.g. renovate an outbuilding in to an office etc).

I’ve spent the last 18 months feeling so sure this is what we needed to do and now I’m waking up in the night and the dread and anxiety are hitting me (hence the posting at 3am!).

I must admit, that was my response as well.

I think many folks would be a lot happier if they didn’t spend time on instagram or reading property magazines. Your house is there to serve you as a family - not the other way round.

I’d make an exception if it’s a house of cultural significance - but most of us won’t inherit Castle Howard or Chatsworth.

This is bizarre!

What you want and need changes over time. It sounds like your current house isn’t working for you and your family, so it’s the right thing to do to move on. It’s normal to be sad about it and that doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing, moving is always an upheaval and you are always leaving behind some good points, or you never would have bought it in the first place.

I am not on instagram and honestly couldn’t give a shiny shite what anyone thinks of where I live, I buy what I like and what works for me. We are (I hope!) just about to exchange on my dream house, but I’m being pragmatic about it. It’s Georgian which I have always, always wanted, needs some work doing but I’m not at all phased by that. However, it is listed and I foresee a big battle with the planners to get permission for some of the things I want to do (replace the single glazed sliding sash windows for one 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️). I also hate to be cold, so if we cannot get it to the point where it’s warm enough? We will sell it and move on. And yes, I think I would be sad about it, but it is what it is.

Good luck with your move xxx

Oh dear I hope you’re OK, it sounds like the anxiety is taking over. It’s a stressful process for anyone so it is normal to feel this way.

I hated leaving the familiarity of our old house, we didn’t move areas, but I would have felt the same about moving from an area if we had decided to do that.

I guess you need to understand if your anxiety is because of the stressful moving process and saying goodbye to the familiar or whether you really are doubting the move. It sounds like you have thought about it for 18 months and you have thought about it rationally in terms of how many friends you actually are leaving, the difference in schools and the work in the new house which sounds like will not take over your lives as much, so perhaps rationally you know it’s the right thing to do it’s just the process is very nerve wracking and stressful.

You could ask yourselves what you would prefer in 10 years time; a bigger house that you have finally done up after years of expense and hard work, nearer to people you know but not great schools or a house that has not taken over your lives and a better education for your kids?

What are the secondary schools like in your current area?

Could you also renegotiate the exchange period on your new purchase so you all have a longer time to get organised and adjust to moving once you have exchanged and your daughter can have her birthday in the old house?

You make a very good point, a house should serve you as a place to live not you serve it with constant maintenance and renovation.

@Jellicalcats i think pre sale/purchase jitters are totally normal. We live in a similar house to yours- have just finished the inside renovations after 6 years 🤣🙈 and now need to start on the outbuildings and grounds 😬 I love it but the number of times I’ve said to my husband that we’re never doing a renovation like this again! There’s ALWAYS something that needs doing… Our plan is to move upon (early) retirement and we definitely won’t go for another project house. I think the freedom a comparatively low maintenance house will give you will be amazing. Don’t fret!

Sounds like you put a lot of effort and heart and soul into the house. Forget what friends say, they are not paying to maintain it!

With regards to the kids, they will be fine, home for them is wherever you are and they will settle and make new friends quickly.

Try to focus on the advantages that the move will bring to your family.

I do not believe in forever/dream homes, life changes and rarely homes are forever. We downsized massively in 2021, due to my disability, when we bought the house in 2003 I never dreamed in a million years, I would be diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. This made the dream/forever home, impossible for me to live in I couldn’t wait to move into a bungalow, best thing we ever did.

Good luck OP, it sounds like you have really considered everything and the move you intend to make is the right one for your family, don’t overthink it.

I've never really understood the dream house thing. Perhaps because my adult life has always been in London, where house hunting is a series of massive compromises and disappointments.

My "must have" list when house hunting was fairly modest - bathroom with a window that opens, separate kitchen, private outdoor space (balcony or garden), walking distance from a train station.

My dream of dreams is a utility room.

We did something similar

Bought a wow house 4 years ago. Everyone that visited thought it was beautiful, it was like a magasine cover

But the upkeep and maintenance was a nightmare and expensive, and there were loads of hidden issues.

So last year we sold up and moved to something completely different. Do I miss the wow house, yes of course sometimes, but I don’t regret the move. We are much happier now

I’m sure it will work out for you

Hmm not sure about your reasoning. So all the other families who are like minded are ok with the local schools?

We met lots of local families through the primary years and actually those friendships have deepened over the years even though only a few of the teens are still friends. My parents are still great friends with other parents they met at the school gate and I’m 50. Primary is the only time you can build that network you don’t really meet other parents through kids at secondary school. That community is a lot to walk away from because your house is abit cold.

I think if it's turned into a nightmare for you, then it isn't the dream house. With all that extra mental space and lack of financial worries, you could probably turn the new 'boring' house into something of a dream for you all. Also, note you only starting seeing it as a dream house when your friends said how lovely it was, but the reality of it has been and will be very different for you. That was just a fleeting moment when you could see the potential beauty and joy of it, if all the issues you've experienced were taken away. It's like saying how lovely a toxic relationship could be if the partner would just overcome their alcohol issues.

I've lived in many 'lovely' rentals over the years...a Victorian converted pub, a medieval converted flat with wood beam ceilings and a sweet little semi detached house on a hill with beautiful hills and sweet front and back gardens. All of which just felt so stressful to live in- either from being too cold, always having issues that needed the landlord to sort out and lots of chasing up, and just needing to much personal energy put into making them homely for it to be a pleasurable home. I'm finally happy in a social housing terraced new build, with no front garden, a concrete yard and zero quirky or defining features. But I can feel all the potential of it because I'm not distracted by taming a wild garden, sorting out damp issues, or thinking about how to keep the heat in.

There's lots of Instagram accounts and online blogs of people who have turned fairly ordinary homes into somewhere magical, if you want some inspiration?

@TheaBrandt I think OP means all the people in the new location are happy with the schools. I would probably try to have a birthday/ leaving party before you go, plan some facetious with best friends and maybe invite the family over for a night to stay in a few months.

Surely you taught her to tell the time during lockdown? Or did you completely pause their academic education?

Tell me you’ve missed the entire point of the thread without telling me you’ve missed the entire point of the thread 🙄

We met lots of local families through the primary years and actually those friendships have deepened over the years even though only a few of the teens are still friends.

I think this pp makes an interesting point, though I disagree with her conclusion that it means you should reconsider moving. School gate friendships really can last and moving now, when your kids are still in primary, means you'll have the opportunity to do it all over again in the new location before parents fade out of the picture - plus you're in a position to keep in touch with any real friends you've made in the old location.

But for kids, primary friendships tend not to last past the transition to secondary. Kids often make a big deal about transferring to the school their friends are going to, only to dump their old friends and make new ones by October half-term of Y7, all of which is totally normal. Friendships that do last tend to be solid enough that they survive being at different schools, in my experience. It's natural for your kids to feel upset, and for you to worry about that, but there's no reason to think they won't settle well and make new friends at this age.

Oh, and telling the time is hard! It's completely unlike the way we conceptualise almost everything else, particularly anything else involving numbers and is often a blind spot for kids who otherwise find everything at school easy. Don't despair - she will get it!

I think you've got "buyer's remorse" about the sensible and practical decision you've made OP.
Last minute jitters are normal. My experiences of living in old, draughty and/or damp houses has put me off completely. Much prefer my modest but well-insulated new build.

It's also untrue. 9yo's now would have been 4, possibly turning 5 when lockdown happened. So Reception at the oldest (my DD was Y1 and is now 11). Time isn't taught until year 2, and even then it's very basic. We don't teach them the time properly until year 3 and even then it's repeated many times through the curriculum (I've recently taught it to Y7). My 11yo DD, who did miss much of Y1/Y2 has now learned to tell the time.

Anyway, OP. Just move - you'll be much happier when you do, because your current house sounds like the complete opposite of 'the dream!'

We are doing the same thing OP, I thought we would stay in this house forever but it is a money pit. Every now and then (after I have tidied up) I marvel at how perfect it feels but then I remember how cold, damp and expensive it is. Like another poster, I miss our modest starter home which was always warm and cozy. I don’t want to spend another freezing winter in this house and refuse to spend any more of my life worrying about bricks and mortar. Life is for living.

@StraighttoCrone I always think flash dream houses are a bit like the banker/lawyer husband who looks great on paper -but just isn't . Fantastic to impress friends with , but they aren't living with them day to day - same goes for houses that cost you the earth, take all your cash and time and energy etc-

I heard this phrase today which I thought was appropriate for this thread, “A house should work for you, you shouldn’t work for your house” it certainly gave me pause for thought, as much as my house is lovely I’m certainly a slave to it.

That is the perfect description of my house. I feel like screaming “I’ve given you the best years of my life you wanker!” at it.

OP I think my kids will miss this house too but they have seen the stress it has put us through. It is good to show your kids that sometimes you cut your losses if something doesn’t work for you. It feels like failing but it isn’t if you are happier at the end of it all.

@StraighttoCrone @Crikeyalmighty @Wanttoadoptadog thank you! This is exactly it. We feel like we’ve been slaves to this house since we moved in. As soon as you think you’ve done all the work something big happens and your weekends for the foreseeable future disappear. Even without huge fixes, just the grime that comes from big houses is suffocating. I spend most of my life cleaning and then cleaning again. A “let’s clean the house” day takes at least 8 hours. I was actually disappointed when I saw that new house also has 3 toilets because I’m sick of cleaning them.

Someone mentioned being a little bit chilly not being a good enough reason to move, but 8 degrees in winter is not a little bit chilly. We work from home so it would cost thousands a month to keep the house heated all the time. We have to choose which rooms to heat and when (which tends to be where the children are). I’ve invested in premium slippers and sleep in thermal bed socks because I’m sick of getting chilblanes.

I’ve missed our old, impractical and tiny cottage we had when the children were born because everything just seemed so much simpler when we lived there. I’m hoping that, although the new house isn’t small, because it’s more than 50% new that we get some of that back.

It’s still sad though. Exchange should be going through imminently!

@Jellicalcats I do wish you well going forward- it's really no fun at all having a cold and big house and whilst many mumsnetters seem happy with cold homes and sitting with oodies and heated blankets , unless it's out of total necessity then I'm not one of them- would rather have a more modest and cosy home and a few more trips and holidays rather than endless DIY. that doesn't have to mean a tiny place either as I do like some space - but just a different type of home.