Feel like we’ve failed- didn’t make our dream house work

[Jellicalcats]

We’re on the cusp of exchanging contracts and I feel really sad.

We used to live near Oxford in a beautiful but tiny cottage which, with 2 children, poorly paid jobs and not enough money to reasonably upsize we sold 6 years ago to move north with much better jobs.

That move was a wrench and due to lockdowns, sale delays etc, after a period of 18 months squatting at my parent’s house we had to make a decision and decided to move to my home town (never thought I’d move back!). I had a lot of reservations (schools being a big one) but my partner loves the town and I could see some benefits for the kids (lots of fresh air and countryside being a big plus).

We found our dream home, something we never thought we would be able to buy, newly-renovated and just beautiful. Everyone was amazed when we bought it and we were so proud of ourselves and excited.

However, a little bit of decorating quickly turned in to a lot of heavy-duty DIY, living in a building site and spending every weekend and evening trying to fix it up due to hidden issues. It’s been a terrible 4 and a half years with the house and other things that have happened and partly due to both, it’s been a very unhappy 4 years.

We decided over a year ago to sell, move closer to family and to somewhere with good schools to take away some of the worry. Our mortgage is due to rise in summer on the current house and due to the rise in value on this one we could pay off a big chunk of the mortgage.

We frantically finished all the urgent jobs last year, put it on the market and had an offer in the first week. We’ve since, for the first time, been able to invite friends over and we’ve had people gushing over the house which has put things in to perspective a bit and we realise how lucky we’ve been to have this. The kids are also gutted and terrified about moving so I have a lot of guilt going on.

The new house is lovely (and needs minimal work!) but not as dramatic as our current home, it’s a much more “normal” house. It’s near an excellent school though, pretty, although quiet, village and closer to grandparents. It’s not my dream home but it’s nice.

I feel like we’ve failed. If me from 4 years ago could see what was happening now I’d be in disbelief that we were selling the house. We’re also moving away from friends (some of whom can’t understand our reasoning) and I’m worried we’re going to be very lonely.

Has anyone else bought a dream home and then downsized/ had to sell?

Sorry it sounds like you are making a bunch of moves all over the country based on knee-jerk reactions to circumstances… have you sat down and worked out long term vision where and how you want to live? (Taking into account your jobs, schools, friends, commute, proximity to family and where do you want to end up in 20 years)

personally to me a “dream” house is not a dream if it near a bad school, I don’t buy into this obsession with huge houses. But regardless of this house you need to really have a vision and then work towards it.
then you wouldn’t be so easily swayed by what your friends think of this house

We haven't yet sold but I would actually love to do what you're doing. Like you, we thought we'd found our dream home. We paid over the odds for it as we knew properties like that in the area don't come up often and we wanted to snap it up before anyone else.

We knew it needed some work doing but I never could have imagined the money we'd have to spend on completely invisible, mundane things just to make it liveable. 4 years on it's still nowhere near how I want it. We've run out of money and I've totally fallen out of love with the house. I fantasise about our old 3 bed semi which was tiny and impractical for our growing family but always warm, nicely decorated and very low maintenance. We now have a massive home with more space than we need (which inevitably means more cleaning and more clutter), a garden we barely use and a massive renovation project on our hands.

If I bring it up with dh I know I just sound ungrateful. He seems a bit the same but doesn't have the same interior aspirations as me! And he rightly points out it's a bad time to move.

But if we were able I would love to downsize to a smaller, lower maintenance, already finished house! The idea of a Reno seems exciting, the reality is a money pit and constant upheaval/disappointment.

Sorry for the huge rant! But I totally see where you're coming from and I don't think it's a bad thing to admit you misjudged a situation and cut your losses. Your time and happiness is important too.

Forgot to add, one of my main forms of self torture is spending ages on rightmove looking at what we could have had with the money we spent. It's really bloody infuriating.

The reasons you give here are very valid. People move for schools all the time and it looks like the move will also give you more financial freedom.

Don't underestimate the luxury of having grandparents just down the road; my in laws are round the corner and I am very grateful for that.

You seem very caught up in the look of a house and how much it impresses those around you. Your title calls it your current place your dream house maybe you need to concentrate on making a home. Interestingly your children prefer the small cluttered home.

Speaking of insta, I follow a couple of accounts on there where they moved from the bigger houses to more modest houses as the previous big ones were expensive to run and with massive mortgages. They have shared their journey to more financial freedom.

We did for financial security, it’s been great for our family and we’ve had so much more spare money for things like holidays. We’re much less stressed overall too.

the teacher skipped it to let them watch Disney films instead

This is a really bitchy and unnecessary thing to say. And I highly doubt it.

@VodkaCola not bitchy at all. I’m currently sat outside the £40/hour tutoring office waiting for my DD who is, today, learning to tell the time properly for the first time. Her year 2 teacher did one lesson on it, lockdown happened and when they returned they had them watching TV for weeks. I asked the teacher and she said they would be taught it at some point- it never happened.

I mean, tbh, telling the time is something that needs considerable work at home/by parents too...it's not just the teachers' responsibility!

I always want to see a rightmove link when people talk about their houses! I'm intrigued

So basically you are asking 'should we keep a house to impress other people '?

I know that isn't it - I'm being glib - because you've presented really solid arguments about why you want to sell.

I think it's okay to feel sad about it. You've put a lot of work into it and despite the struggles had happy times there.

But you want something from life beyond a house and that's fine too.

Enjoy it for what it was like a holiday romance (once the work was finished) but accept that feeling doesn't last once reality kicks in.

@Elsbetka your comment implies that we haven’t been teaching time at home (which is presumptuous!). We bought “telling the time” exercise books and sat with the children to talk them through the questions, we bought each of the children watches, encouraged them to wear them to school and to look at the watches at known times of the day to familiarise themselves. We provided teaching aids including a magnetic clock and sat with the kids teaching them “past and “to”, we watched tutorials online and we have the children tell us what time it is at meal times and, as already mentioned, because we’re not trained teachers, I’m paying an expensive tutor to teach them time plus all the other bits of the curriculum that have also been missed. I also reminded the teachers at every parents evening since year 2 that that class had missed time in the curriculum.

Not so much presumptuous of me, OP, as you just not giving all that information in the first place 😀

If your DD9 is still really not making any progress with telling the time after all that work from you and your husband then I agree that a specialist tutor may be the way forward.

I have a two kids of a similar age and remember those lockdown days well. Provision varied dramatically from school to school, of course, but I think most parents accepted that there would be some gaps in teaching that would need filling. I understand that this is part of a wider picture of your general dissatisfaction with the school though.

@Elsbetka my post about moving house missed out the detailed, exhaustive list of extra school tuition we’ve provided at home? Apologies, how remiss of me!

And again, you presume, he’s not my husband.

Your implication that my daughter is stupid didn’t go unnoticed. She’s very bright, exceeding expectations in all areas of school, because of the efforts we’ve made,
but our ability to make up for poor education provision at primary school is hampered by our >full time international roles that take up time and the fact we are not trained teachers, hence the tutors.

Lockdown provision consisted of one half an hour whole class call per week from our primary school where the teacher discussed her crochet projects. We don’t just have gaps, we accepted in 2020 that we had whole years of teaching to make up for. Another indicator that the school is crap!

Apologies, I didn’t feel the need to include all of this detail in my original post. I felt that describing the school as performing poorly and having low expectations was enough- my fault!

This is one of the most sensible things I have read in MN in ages

blimey
you are wrecking your kids lives panning after dead bricks

@newmanager2 that post was so accurate- a good friend of mine had a real dream home with partner , glass fronted scandi style thing in beautiful village- but turns out it wasn't her dream life, she found it deadly dull , a pain to go anywhere at night and needed to drive so couldn't drink and no real diversions on doorstep as literally 1 pub and 1 shop and she found it all a bit 24/7 coupledom which didn't really suit her - . In the end it all went wrong, she left him and moved back to her old city flat. You can have the most amazing house but its bricks and mortar and other aspects matter just as much in your life if you are a rounded person - not just a swanky place to show off about.

So it's expensive to maintain, needs loads of work and the local schools are shit. How is this in any way a dream house?

Can you put a link to your house on here? I'm intrigued to see it?

This "dream house" concept is so corrosive. That's not aimed at you particularly, @Jellicalcats, it comes up on nearly every thread here, e.g. "tell me why my house isn't selling, we've just found our dream home and can't bear the thought of losing it". The idea that anyone young enough to have primary-aged kids would have already afforded or created their dream home would have been laughed at 50 years ago, and the expectation nowadays that people of your age have somehow failed if they haven't achieved it drives miserable comparisons with others, a pernicious wastefulness and consumerism (dream kitchens, high end light switches), and in a lot of cases a level of debt that ruins lives and relationships. (And that's the point by the way. None of this dream house twaddle is for your benefit.)

You had fun, and then not so much fun, doing up a house that originally excited you, made you money, and finally is something to be proud of. That doesn't make it your dream home, in fact it sounds more like a nightmare tbh. Now you need to sell it to move on to something that meets your needs better and it's fine if this next house isn't your dream home either. Most people don't live in dream homes, either because they've made different choices or because the sort of houses others label as dream homes are way beyond their reach financially. That's normal.

If you must focus on the idea of a dream home, make it a project for the distant future and enjoy savouring thoughts of where it will be and how it will look. And in the meantime concentrate on making a happy home, which is a completely different thing.

Hey, sorry skim read and not read updates so hope I am on the right track.
we moved to our dream house, it was amazing people always complimented us on our house.
We had all the space we needed, beautiful features, nice neighbours.
But, it was old and had many issues, issues we didn’t have the money for. The schools were rubbish and potential for job development was limited.

We moved 200 miles away. It took a while to get settled but we are settled now. Had promotions, dc in amazing schools. We moved from a 5 bed detached period property to a 3 bed semi.
We have more money, we are happy. We don’t need a ‘dream’ house to be happy, and it’s easier to clean.

@BarbaricYawp so so true !!

@Hidingpresentseverywhere thank you, it’s comforting in a way to hear other people’s similar stories. Thanks to everyone for your comments.

We’re getting close to exchange (Monday possibly!) and my feelings are all over the place. The children are becoming quite sad about the whole thing. I’ve been trying to get them excited (planning their bedrooms, looking for fun things to do near the new house etc) but they’re leaving their best friends, they can’t remember the last move when they were babies/ toddlers and I know this is huge for them.

We woke up to storm damage in the garden yesterday which we’ve never had before and is terrible timing. The thought the sale could fall through filled me with huge anxiety about having to stay in this house but as soon as we knew all was ok I started to feel sad again (ridiculous!).

I suppose it’s not just the house, it’s the lifestyle we thought we were offering our children- we live close to where I grew up and I suppose I have a slightly rose-tinted view of my childhood. But whilst we’ve lived here the children have had a taste of that (late evening walks to the river to swim and pick berries (sounds like an Enid Blyton but we’d do this a lot), sledging down massive hills, camping out in the fields). We’re moving to a rural village but looking at the area we won’t have experiences like this there.

We’ve been planning this move for at least 18 months and I’ve been so decided that this is what we needed to do, and I couldn’t wait to do it, but now it’s getting close it all feels quite surreal, the house which has been our nemesis in a lot of ways suddenly feels like home and it all feels very sad.
I’m suddenly getting sentimental about all the things I used to hate (including the freezing cold, windy walk to do the school run!).

On the flip side I have a friend who lives locally who bought a home that needed total renovation. They’ve had a similarly terrible time with the renovation and have the same concerns about schools etc and she thinks I’m mad for having doubts and wishes she was in our position to move.

I hated how much work and stress my old house was to do up but I was so sad to leave because it had become home. Now I’m starting again with a new house. I know how you feel, I was sad to leave a house I didn’t like much when I moved in (it was the best thing to buy at the time but never truly liked it that much), so it must be awful leaving a house that you really liked from day 1.

The fact that we had tidied it and got it really nice to sell also made it much nicer and harder to move from.

I felt sad to leave but I knew it was the right thing for the next chapter of our lives. Are you feeling sad because you are leaving even though you know it’s the right thing or are you feeling sad because you are not sure it’s the right thing?

If your not sure it’s the the right thing anymore it’s worth taking some space to think about it, if you are sad even though deep down you know your making the right move then that is completely normal and you should go for the move.

In my opinion the schooling is a very good reason to move, but I wanted to ask one question; how much work is the new house? Could you be in a situation where you have spent 4 years doing up your current house and it’s finally starting to feel homely but you’re now moving to a new house where you have to start again with years of renovations?