Being gifted a large deposit from single mum and then moving 90+ minutes away from parents (London)

[ThisQuickBee]

I really need to get these thoughts off my chest and hopefully some lovely Mumsnetters can also share some advice on how to deal with this situation. Am I being overthinking or being unreasonable? Anyone else been in similar family circumstances?

In some parts of the world 90 minutes is a very small distance. But we are talking about my mum here, who is loathe to leave the house if it rains.

Story is that mum has transferred a large sum of money for my first home that would make up most of my deposit. She is hoping that I will buy close to her in north London. She's not said that I must do this but she complained about my doing viewing in other areas that are more affordable (Hainault, Plaistow...). I am doing my best to ignore her comments...but I can't seem to stop feeling guilty because she has always relied on me as the person that was on her side when things got rocky with dad (who is now in a different country and out of picture). As she gets older, she needs me to help out with the computer, phone, bill admin - basically anything internet/digital.

Sadly, even with mum's large gift and my savings, the budget (450k or under) would get me a small house or a fixer upper requiring significant work in Colindale and Burnt Oak. I don't particularly like these areas. I spent around 3 weeks looking in Enfield Town/Bush Hill Park and north Tottenham too but I found it hard to find a property that met my requirements. This isn't a long time but I think that's because deep down I know it will be hard to find a good-sized house that is within budget anyway in those areas.

Instead, I've turned to Plumstead Common and viewed a number of properties there. It's cheaper due to lack of Tube but there are buses to Woolwich. I like the green space. There's the Charlton Lido that I could cycle to and go for swims (I swim every week and it's great for my mood). It's all within budget and I might even have 20-30k left to return to mum, if I took out my maximum mortgage amount. Mum is not pleased but apart from niggling location issue, all the other boxes are ticked for me (transport, green space, decent schools, shops etc). It's close-ish to my partner's home (bus then DLR) so good for them.

To me this is almost a no-brainer. Almost! Except that it would be 90 minutes by public transport for my mum as she would have to take Northern Line -> Lizzie Line -> bus. By car, it would take me about 1hr15m to drive on average. This is quite a long distance for someone who is reliant on public transport.

If I had 600k+ to spend and lucrative career I would probably look harder in north London but I don't so this is where it's at for me...

She could travel with a good book ?

Haha!! I wish 😬Even a newspaper or Sudoku! If only... I think I will only ever find out if I move away and see how far she is prepared to travel.

You have to do what is best for you.

You can only afford what you want in these areas.

Your Mum will adapt and she may even join you.

She’s extremely kind and she hasn’t been forceful or adamant you live near her, just hinting ? So I think you could and should go for the better option for you.

Personally as a Londoner I think the connections to your preferred location don't sound great to me, and as a non-driver in London I wouldn't want to make a 90 min journey regularly (it will invariably take much longer at least half of the time). I've always lived more centrally and it's fairly normal not to jump to a house purchase for a ftb, as the lower price of flats has enabled me to live in a more convenient location (albeit with the downside of leasehold, but in my circle that's just accepted because we all value location more).

But your budget is going to limit you a lot and you have to make the choice that suits you. You mention the help your mother needs but you also mention schools, and if you plan to have children later on, having a parent nearby can be invaluable for practical and social support (which has a financial value too, if she is able to offer childcare). I live on a 20 min direct bus route from my parents and colleagues are envious how easy it is for me to get free casual childcare at the drop of a hat.

I understand how you feel OP but as a parent myself I would want my child to do what is best for them - even if that meant living 90 min away from me. the deposit is a gift with no strings attached I’m sure from mum to child.

Hmm. I'd SAY that I'd want them to do what's best for them. Because that's what I know I should want. But honestly? I'd be a bit gutted that my generosity led to them moving away from me.

ETA that that's what it turns out that being a parent to full adults, is though. Putting a brave face on things. Last year I was on my own for Christmas Day. I told them I'd had a nice chill day, etc etc. Turns out they believed me so they're repeating their plans this year! 😅😫

@saraclara and that is certainly your right. Of course. I think I would be sad as well but would accept it graciously and maybe move myself closer if I could if I was retired. Housing market is really insane and the Op talked about schools which makes it harder. We have also moved for schools so difficult

oh no! Sorry to hear that! Christmas can be very difficult

"It's close-ish to my partner's home (bus then DLR) so good for them.

To me this is almost a no-brainer. Almost! Except that it would be 90 minutes by public transport for my mum... "

Hmmm...I don't know OP @ThisQuickBee, based on the above - I think you'll look very differently on this as time goes on ... Childcare, Mutual Practical Support etc..

Keep looking I suggest.

And asking gently, is she fully sorted for retirement on her own? She's probably sacrificing a lot to give you that deposit and without that deposit you'd have no full house deposit by the sounds of what you have described.

Just pointing out what a Single Mum who has done her best, to do the best she can for you could feel in terms of you moving so far away.

Not that you owe her anything. Just telling you how she could feel as you did ask for views.

And yes... Part of parenthood but good that you want to know as a child what that would look and feel like.

90mins for her coming by public transport is quite a long time really, esp for mutual support, sick kiddo and needing her to come to you so you can get to work.
Likewise it's a long time for you to go and lend a hand. It makes a visit a full day at least, 3 hours travel plus whatever time is actually spent visiting.

How old is your mum? It just occurs to me that she is unlikely to get more mobile or willing to travel in the years ahead, and the burden of travelling will fall more and more on you as she becomes less able/willing to travel.
If you were closer she would even be able to take a taxi/uber if public transport gets beyond her. Try and look at it through her eyes rather than how you would like her to be, maybe?

I think that's too far tbh. Unless you don't want to see her much.

That's a long time on public transport with two changes and waiting for a bus in all weathers. It's a lot as you get older, although it's hard to imagine why it's harder when you are younger!! As she gets older she's just not going to de able to do it at all.

You also need to think if she is on her own and needs more support from you (assuming you would want to do this) if she can't come to you that means you trekking 90 mins both ways (or just less if by car) yourself.

My friend is currently supporting her mum with dementia. Even with regular carers coming in, she still needs to go to hers everyday for a few hours. I know of others who have supported elderly relatives and it's always the same. It's a lot, especially if you are not nearby.

There's places in Hertfordshire to kings cross in a half hour. Id look in that direction.

I understand why you have not said exactly where your Mum
lives but honestly North West to South East is in my view a big distance.

Is there honestly no where closer?

How old is mum?

I wouldnt want my DC to base their decision of where to live on my needs, I dont think you should make a decision based on what she wants. I also wouldn't chose a house based on proximity to a partner if not at the stage of living together. But if she has anxiety about this you're doing both of you a disservice viewing this as what she's prepared to do. It might be something she can't do but that wouldn't reflect on your relationship or her love for you. This decision could end up meaning you dont see her anywhere near as much. Depends how big a factor that is for you.

This happened to me. My mother gifted me a very large sum of money (difference is she didn’t specify how she wanted me to use it). was looking to relocate to a different city and use some of the money to go towards a deposit. She was livid and asked for the money back, so I sent it back and moved anyway.

Lesson learned. I will never accept such a large sum of cash again. You end up feeling like you ‘owe’ them and they end up constantly criticising every expense. Ruined our relationship completely, as I felt like the money was gifted conditionally and a way to control me and she felt betrayed that I would consider moving away using money she gifted.

Also I grew up in SE London, Charlton to be specific, obviously I am bias but it s great area and places like Plumstead are slowly improving. So it is a good investment. They recently built a tube line to Lewisham. They may expand this across SE London, which would make it easier for you to travel around the city.

If you are thinking about having children in the next few years, I think you should factor in your dm’s transfer time to your list of considerations. It will be invaluable to have your dm not so far away then (assuming she is the type of mum to want to see her dgc and give you a break & offer babysitting / care of child when you go back to work etc).

That is not only a long journey it is a really difficult journey. Obviously you can only buy a house in an affordable area but there must surely be option nearer to her. As others have said as she gets older she may find it harder to come to you and you will end up going to her. (I have an elderly relative similar distance away and it makes keeping an eye on her very very difficult)

you don’t have to buy near her but it would be a kind thing to do. Alternatively is there an option for her to move to close to where you want to live?

I think you should be honest with her ,and tell her where you intend to buy and ask her if she needs you to return the money,as you are not buying near her ..which it sounds like is why she has offered the money,to have you near her.

In some parts of the world 90 minutes is a very small distance. But we are talking about my mum here, who is loathe to leave the house if it rains.
Maybe having to travel to see you will shift her out of her immobility. It might do her some good!

How long is the move for? Is it a five-year starter house or a forever home. You could sell it to her as a "needs must / getting a foot on the property ladder" with the possibility that you might move again (?closer to her?) in a few years' time.

I agree with this. Is the 90K unconditional, can she afford it without sacrifice to herself or is your mum not pleased because she has gifted the 90K to help you live closer to her? If so it's a bit selfish to move 90+ mins away from a mum who doesn't travel well.

How old is your mum and how is her health, and without the 90K where would you be looking to move to?

Are you protecting the gift in your mortgage with your DP?