Being gifted a large deposit from single mum and then moving 90+ minutes away from parents (London)

[ThisQuickBee]

I really need to get these thoughts off my chest and hopefully some lovely Mumsnetters can also share some advice on how to deal with this situation. Am I being overthinking or being unreasonable? Anyone else been in similar family circumstances?

In some parts of the world 90 minutes is a very small distance. But we are talking about my mum here, who is loathe to leave the house if it rains.

Story is that mum has transferred a large sum of money for my first home that would make up most of my deposit. She is hoping that I will buy close to her in north London. She's not said that I must do this but she complained about my doing viewing in other areas that are more affordable (Hainault, Plaistow...). I am doing my best to ignore her comments...but I can't seem to stop feeling guilty because she has always relied on me as the person that was on her side when things got rocky with dad (who is now in a different country and out of picture). As she gets older, she needs me to help out with the computer, phone, bill admin - basically anything internet/digital.

Sadly, even with mum's large gift and my savings, the budget (450k or under) would get me a small house or a fixer upper requiring significant work in Colindale and Burnt Oak. I don't particularly like these areas. I spent around 3 weeks looking in Enfield Town/Bush Hill Park and north Tottenham too but I found it hard to find a property that met my requirements. This isn't a long time but I think that's because deep down I know it will be hard to find a good-sized house that is within budget anyway in those areas.

Instead, I've turned to Plumstead Common and viewed a number of properties there. It's cheaper due to lack of Tube but there are buses to Woolwich. I like the green space. There's the Charlton Lido that I could cycle to and go for swims (I swim every week and it's great for my mood). It's all within budget and I might even have 20-30k left to return to mum, if I took out my maximum mortgage amount. Mum is not pleased but apart from niggling location issue, all the other boxes are ticked for me (transport, green space, decent schools, shops etc). It's close-ish to my partner's home (bus then DLR) so good for them.

To me this is almost a no-brainer. Almost! Except that it would be 90 minutes by public transport for my mum as she would have to take Northern Line -> Lizzie Line -> bus. By car, it would take me about 1hr15m to drive on average. This is quite a long distance for someone who is reliant on public transport.

If I had 600k+ to spend and lucrative career I would probably look harder in north London but I don't so this is where it's at for me...

Your mum may need that money for payment for help in her later years,she may be thinking you and her are closer than you think you are ,and she may be under the illusion you will want to stay close and help her in her old age , especially as it's only been the two of u..you really need to clear the air before you spend her money on something that doesn't suit both of you

Tbh, I think you're being a bit naive. How often will you be making that trip? It's a really long journey to do after work or even at a weekend. It's going to be miserable waiting for all of those connections in the cold, dark & wet and, as soon as one of them goes down, what are you going to do?
It is all very well planning for how it would work now where, if I've understood correctly, you're childfree but, if you go onto have children, it will change. How will this journey feel when you're heavily pregnant? With a newborn? With a couple of toddlers? When they're got an activity on a Saturday morning and a birthday party that afternoon and you're exhausted by work.
Meanwhile, your mum will only get needier and need more support

I should say I live 5 hours from my parents so it's not as if I'm in and out if there house all of the time. What I think you're at risk of doing is suggesting it's fairly short, easily manageable journey which you can do a couple of times a week and you simply won't - or, if you do, you'll resent it massively

I don't live in London so I'm basing my opinion on the thought of a 90 minute journey taken on 3 forms of public transport but for me that isn't close at all.

Its a journey I'd do once a month (if that) or about every 6 weeks for a weekend.

So I think it depends on how often you are actually planning on visiting each other. I certainly wouldnt do it for a midweek tea visit.

Obviously you need to consider what is best for you but are you going to feel upset if you do move and she is then contacting you for help or wanting to see you and wont do the journey herself...its a long way for you to go after a day at work ect and may cause you to feel a bit torn.

Its hard as in reality you should be able to buy a house where ever you want to and your mum should accept that but its a big purchase to then intentionally or unintentionally be made to feel bad or uneasy about the distance between you.

That's a long journey when you have small children or when your mother gets older.

Part of me wants to say it is your life and you must do what is right for you, but I imagine your mum is making a big sacrifice by doing this and I can understand why she wants you closer. This is assuming that there are no bigger issues in the relationship. Is there really nowhere closer?

That's not an easy 90 minute journey and in reality at certain times would take even longer. Would you consider moving further out north instead?

Would your mother consider moving out nearer to where you are thinking of buying @ThisQuickBee ?

Mum is 65 and retired.

I think I would go to Hainault as it has excellent links. Step back from discussing it with her but continue to find a place. As you already have the money I would just crack with the purchase. You will get a lot of flack but it is better than getting into financial difficulty with the purchase.

I don't think so. I've tried not to give away too much information in initial post but I'm realising my dilemma is very much specific to my family situation. Mum will downsize after me and sibling move out and then move to north east London where her sisters are planning to retire as well (everyone lives in north west London but they are going to sell up and live in Tottenham area).

It doesn't improve the journey much as it would still include bus, -> train or Lizzie Line -> Tube up to north east London. Now that I type this out it does sound long.

It's a choice she has.
To be near her sisters or near her daughter.
Is there any possibility you and your partner would buy together and therefore have more money to buy nearer your Mum ?

@Mewthree not until I posted this thread and got replies in! I have a colleague living in Watford but I think I should probably look further out North East rather than North North (if you know what I mean).

@thehousewiththesagegreensofa These are all really good (rhetorical) questions that I have been trying to avoid! It's stress as it is trying to go through the process of viewing and buying. Mum will downsize and move to another part of London in the future to be close to her siblings but she'll definitely get needier even if she has people near by. We're literally in walking distance to everyone at the moment😂

If she’s going to Tottenham, could you afford Leyton or Wanstead or somewhere out that way? Caveated by the fact I don’t know what prices in those areas look like these days.

alternatively Waltham cross and Cheshunt have the Lea valley on their doorstep and a direct train in to Tottenham Hale in ten minutes.

…. In summary you want to live near your partner.

I think a public transport journey of this length with be unreasonable for an older person.
my 75 year old mother wouldn’t be able to do that (given her arthritis and resulting infirmity)

so i would expect to have to travel to her.
but perhaps your mother is healthier, and will remain so into her much older years.

I think that by accepting her generous gift- which is no feat to accumulate as a single parent, and will have likely been the result of past sacrifice or future sacrifice- you are surely going to make good efforts to maintain regular contact .
so you have to think about what’s feasible - will you be happy to travel that distance weekly? Fortnightly?

if she is giving you this deposit because she hoped it will facilitate buying a property nearer her, perhaps you need to show her what’s available within your price bracket at different distances from her home .

im not saying you shouldn’t move far from her, but I think you both need to clarify the aim/motivation of the deposit and if you are able to fulfil that.

I think that's the thing. It would probably be me going to visiting in the future if I moved away. At the moment, I am assuming it will work out (I could buy a car as I can drive but never needed to as it's so expensive to have a car in London) but it could end up feeling like a duty in the future because I have my own life but also because mum has helped me out with the property.

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/155661899

near the open water swimming reservoir.
near Tottenham Hackney and Walthamstow.
not far from Victoria line .
3 bed house.
£450k

I havent RTFT yet, but we live on the opposite side of London to DH mum (she lives in one of the areas you mention that you have rejected) and as she has got older and we have had our DCs, we've found it increasingly challenging. We bought in South London 12yrs ago because of DH's job location and pre kids, it was easy to hop up and down the Northern Line - we thought nothing of being on the tube for an hour, but since having our DC, it's a long journey for them and much harder to go up for the day.
I wish very much that we had looked closer to her, or further up on the Thameslink like Radlett / Potters Bar for example. A taxi is now £60+ one way, so its not even like we can regularly pay for her to get a taxi up and down.

When are kids are 5yrs +, it will probably get easier again, but that's a long time in their lives to not see GPs very often (my DPs are 3hrs+ away as I moved away from home for work).

I completely understand why the area appeals to you but i think if you are thinking long term about starting a family in this home, and you would want your DM to help, it might be worth looking at other areas nearer to her as well.

@ThisQuickBee After your update I would definitely be looking at North East London. With the Lee Valley and Epping Forest you have a lot of places either on a tube line, overland line or bus route, that also have open spaces nearby.

I have always gotten the impression that she will help if she feels like it. I think I shouldn't count on it and I should not expect it but just be grateful if she does offer to help. She wasn't a happy mum herself (it was not a good marriage and she only got divorced about 7 years ago so I feel like she is still enjoying her new life).

Out of interest Why can't you buy a good flat somewhere like Muswell Hill ? Why has it got to be a house ? Plenty of nice good flats in N and NE London - Muswell Hill, Walthamstow, Crouch End , Finchley etc - I've just checked - some even have a garden

If you are open to a flat instead, would something like this fit the bill?

https://www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/152859911#/?channel=RES_BUY

@stardust777 here were my flat pics! I held off till OP said why she couldn't possibly have a flat - I would prefer a flat in a good ( and will always be in demand) area personally rather than a house in a much less nice area- but OP may have her reasons

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/151218221

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/143505275#/?channel=RES_BUY

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/87057975#/?channel=RES_BUY

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/154001744

@Crikeyalmighty Thank you - and a lovely pad too. I was toying with idea of converted flat / maisonette with share of freehold until the gift arrived. I know a lot of people find it suits their needs. It might work for me if I lived just with my partner but very soon, I would be looking for a bigger place. I also don't want to be a leaseholder - our country is not great for leaseholders (that's probably more of a principle).

Thought you were going to say she was in her 80s. I'm 61 husband 66 we go all over the place. She needs to build a circle of friends near her. She's not old. If in 10-15 years time she's getting frailer then you could move closer but actually moving away may force her to do more

Agree with this - have an honest conversation with her.

Also agree with those who say it is worth thinking ahead for when you might want childcare (if relevant) or she might need more support.