Tradesman just made me cry

[Fluffyelephant]

I know it’s probably silly to be so upset but I’m really shaken up.

Having a nightmare with our house renovation. People cancelling, not showing up.

Finally had a guy in today (recommended by another tradesman). Long story short I was in the room next to where he was working and could hear him getting angrier and angrier in there: ‘FFS!’ every few minutes and slamming things more and more aggressively.

Eventually heard him say to himself ‘that’s it I’m finished’ and he started moving his tools. I went in, job was about 60% done and he was so angry. Like “I’m finished. Not doing anymore. People effing changing the job. Changing the date. Wasting my time. This b&q stuff you’ve got is shit.” It was so horrible. Then he stormed out. I told my partner what had happened and started crying so my DP ran out to the van outside and I was shouting ‘Don’t! Dont!’ The guy threatens him and then drives away.

Agh. Absolutely horrible. Really shaken up. Just feel like I’m cursed with this renovation. Feel like it was my fault for not making the details of the job clearer.

Not sure what the point of this post is. Just wondering if anyone else has ever experienced similar. And if so how do you keep it together?!

From one sentence, give over.

Yes, all of this.

Not everyone’s an arsehole.

You can use companies instead of self employed people.
That way, you can still have the ability to ring their boss.

First of all, I'd say don't take this to heart. It was unfair of him to be so aggressive and to take it out on you, but maybe he'd just had a shit few days and was at his wit's end.

Obviously it's upsetting and would shake anyone up, but it's not personal and I doubt you've done anything wrong.

Why odd? Someone make his wife cry, he went after him (maybe to have a go and threaten, but maybe not). If there was a post saying ‘a tradie made me cry and my husband didn’t do anything’ people would be all over him, probably calling him a wimp who doesn’t care about his wife!

@@easylikeasundaymorn 100% what you said

What? This all just sounds OTT and dramatic.

100% agree. I frequently encounter bumps in the road in my work, as most people realistically do. I don’t and can’t start ranting, shouting and flouncing. I have to suck it up and be professional

some really weird posts on this thread, but then there's this odd sort of reverse-classism on MN at sometimes in relation to tradespeople who are apparently beyond reproach and anyone who expects even basic customer service and professionalism is some sort of out of touch elitist - and before anyone jumps in I've got mechanics/leccies in the family

I was just thinking this. My FIL started his working career as a tradesman in the family business and he's a very courteous, respectable man.
It's actually really insulting and almost implying that you can't expect better?

OP, did he know that your DP was there? I've had a couple of really nasty men when I've been alone, but when six foot built like a brick outhouse son is there they've always been fine. I hope you're feeling better (in spite of the horrible posters here), and hugs to your Ddog.

Sounds like the kind of tradesmen I manage to find 🤷🏼‍♀️
I've gone for the highest quotes, mid quotes,cheapest and they are all the same.
Not turning up, turning up but dragging the job out longer, leaving rubbish, not doing the full job... it's just a joke at this point.
I am definitely not the problem, besides from being a laid back woman, who they take advantage of.
It's become a running joke. Every time I say 'he seems really nice and knows his stuff...' something happens (or doesn't happen). The best job I had was with a tradeswoman, turned up as promised, tidied up after herself and that was that, how it should be!

I agree too.

We have had four tradespeople in in the last month, every one of them has been excellent, and they'd all have been shocked by the OP's experience. The kind of behaviour in question is neither professional not reasonable.
Some people seem to have no self-control at all, though- I came across one only this week, a 'flouncer' - in that case, a female working for a neighbour. Maybe these people are still at the babyish stage of wanting to be the centre of a drama? They're certainly not grown-ups, flouncing off a job, or threatening to, for things that are their own fault.

I am a survivor of domestic violence, so when I had a tradesman in my home getting angry I was triggered because my home is a wonderful safe space that I occupy alone because of the DV. There is no way that I would tell him to "go fuck himself" and risk escalating an aggressive situation.

This is a good point, although I’m sorry for your experience.

Ive also experienced domestic violence. It was over 10 years ago but for the first few years after it I would cower without thinking if a man ever raised his voice near me. That doesn’t seem to be my natural reaction anymore but maybe I’m still more sensitive to confrontation and a man being angry.

Sorry you had this experience OP, it isn't unusual sadly for tradespeople to act inappropriately in homes, especially if they are self employed. It sounds like he was struggling emotionally, couldn't do the job and left. We had someone hanging an external door once who found it hard and said they were going for a break and left, they were employed though so employer dealt with it. Not everyone is like this but the most unpleasant person in our reno thought it was fine to throw their lunch wrappers around for me to pick up, use toilets they were asked not to ask they were brand new and I didn't want to clean them up (obviously alternative facilities were available) play 90s sexist wrap so loud deliveries couldn't be heard at the door, swear in front of my child, interfere with the ### mortgage valuer. Constantly attempting to get me to run around for materials, dumped tools in antique furniture, didn't turn up when needed, didn't finish what they were meant to do and also tried to talk me into over priced built ins etc whilst not hanging doors meant to hang. Wrote all over newly plasterer and skim coated walls. Obviously also having calls at work from othet annoyed customers and suppliers. Constant drama on incorrect bills/ availability/ actually finishing things and expecting me at their beck and call to send for stuff or ask questions with absolutely no consideration. There are some proper idiots around. You are better off without them. Find some good trades if you can and treat them well when they are good. Never have the crap ones back. Good luck.

This is such a good point @VictoriaSpungecake - I've been really pissed off by the posters dismissing the Op's reaction (and not understanding how a dog could also react sensitively to aggression in their home).

I experienced sexual abuse as a child, but it is something I can usually talk about to others without any problems. The one time I was triggered and burst in to tears in front of colleagues was when there were proposals to make our staff toilets unisex, with no female only spaces. I got distressed about this as my abuser used the excuse of taking me to the bathroom to do what he did. I was a bit shocked that I got so upset 50 years later, but I honestly had no control over my reaction. I just felt the fear of my childhood self in that moment.

@Greyrockin I am very sorry that happened to you, you make a very valid point

Bloody hell. And I’m assuming that you couldn’t tell him to leave because the job was urgent.

If it wasn’t urgent and he was at mine, I’d have told him to leave. When we get builders etc in, I make it clear at the start that I won’t tolerate bad language or smoking.

Thank you @CountryCob - as I said, it is something I can talk about to others quite openly, but there is usually a context to me sharing my experience (if people are talking about particular life events for example). I think my point in mentioning it here is that we never know what might trigger a traumatic reaction to something or someone and sometimes people have valid reasons for reacting to things in a way that others would dismiss as childish or odd.

In this day and age when we are hearing constant reports about male violence against women you would think that men would be more sensitive about these things. It really isn't great to express anger in front of a woman for no good reason. And in her own home. So unprofessional.

Also, remember the woman who was killed by a tradesmen not too long ago. She didn't like the job he'd done for her and, I believe, got into an argument. She was discovered with a head injury by family.

My guess is that the decent men are more sensitive re how they deal with women.
However the problem men, the ones with impulse control issues are angry because it is harder to dominate & control women and they are now judged for it.
So they have more powerful violent impulses towards women against which there already poor impulse control has no chance.