We Shouldn’t Have Moved

[TheCatsBlanket]

We moved into our house almost five months ago, and as gorgeous as it is on paper, with a spectacular south facing garden, we are just not happy here and I can’t get over that this is probably the biggest mistake we have ever made . The location is lovely and the neighbours have been more than welcoming and friendly. The house itself needs a few things upgrading and we’re getting through them bit by bit so it has been quite stressful with contractors coming and going, but it’s coming together. We just can’t work out why it’s actually making us sad to be here. Talking tonight with my husband about it, after weeks of me bottling it up and trying to put on a cheerful face, he admitted he feels the same. When we viewed back in November we both fell in love with the place, hence we bought it, but now we’re having massive regrets and wished so much we hadn’t seen it on Rightmove and that we were still living in our previous house.
Has anyone been in this situation too? I have written a similar thread in the last few months to ask the same thing and so many people replied to say they had felt the same but now loved their homes, and that I should give it time. I’ve moved many times in my 62 years, but have never felt this way before about a house. As I say, on paper it’s perfect and to the outside world I am so lucky but I can’t snap out of this sadness.

Can anyone give me some tips please, other than to sell it and move on?

I'm in a similar boat although I wasn't happy in our old house either. Been here almost two years, have mostly nice neighbours except for the ones in the house adjoining ours. They're ignorant, selfish and loud. Banging, shouting and slamming from morning till night, and it's making me so miserable. We've put a lot of money into the house to fix up certain things, or replace others (kitchen, bathroom, windows, etc) and selling it now would mean quite a substantial loss and I can't bring myself to do that just yet, especially because the only real problem is the arsehole neighbours, and there's nothing I can do about that.

I'd swap for your situation in a minute although I know that's not the sort of response you're looking for!

How long were you in the last house for and did it hold a lot of memories? Just wondering if it's a more general mourning for what's past rather than the house - if you loved it and on paper everything is going well, you may be projecting. I bet a therapist could help you unravel it (if Mumsnet can't!)

We were there for 10 years, it was nice but didn’t have any special memories as such no. I just counted, that since we got married 38 years ago we’ve moved house 5 times (had a stint abroad too for a few years in rentals so not counting them as it would look like I can’t settle anywhere !) I just can’t fathom this sadness.

I feel sad for you, especially with having horrible neighbours….at least mine are nice. I just feel like a moaner all the time and we want to be happy again 🙁

Oh, and to make matters worse albeit in a marginally humorous way, I decided to paint the chimney breast yesterday after we’d had a new fire fitted. Decided to splash out on Farrow & Ball paint ( why so expensive?? ) and chose of all colours ‘Sulking Room Pink’, well it’s definitely making us sulk, it sucks the brightness out of the room creating more misery.

Sulking Room Pink made me laugh!

Sorry this is weighing on you.

A couple of questions:

1. Do you think you haven’t quite had a chance to enjoy it yet? Has it been all moving/works stress, no fun? Would it help to schedule a few things to look forward to in the house? A BBQ with all the new neighbours, now the weather is better; a bonfire night party with friends to make the most of the house and garden in the autumn, Christmas with family, even next Easter… would having a few high days and holidays planned help you fall back in love with the house?
2. What do you and your husband miss about the old house? Routine? Familiarity? The lack of builders/plumbers/electricians trooping through? Location? If you can identify what, maybe you can try and recreate it.

Appreciate it’s tough. While I haven’t been in your position I have definitely had times when I have fallen out of love with my home and it has made me very, very unhappy. Given moving isn’t an option, I tried to improve and make the most of it. Sometimes this was a cheap addition/fix. Other times, a bigger, more significant investment. Right now, I LOVE it! ButI think it is likely we will move in a few years and that is OK.

It may be worth time boxing it. Give it 2 years. Do the work, let the market and life move on, and then either plan a new adventure or shape this house into something you can get excited about. Good luck!

My own experience is that the house we've been in the last 12 years doesn't quite feel like mine. It's weird. Not sure why. There's nothing wrong with it, it just doesn't feel like it's really mine? I've been trying to remedy that by putting a bit more of my stamp on it to make it my own. It helps a bit but I can't quite put my finger on why.

I should add, it's a very different style to my previous homes, in a good way. And there's lots I do appreciate about the house location. I wouldn't move.

The house itself needs a few things upgrading and we’re getting through them bit by bit so it has been quite stressful with contractors coming and going, but it’s coming together.

I live in a rental that is very glamorous on paper and has some pretty fancy features, is gigantic, is in beautiful location, but I swear everyone who worked on building and kitting out this house was the alcoholic relative of Odd Job Bob. You know the one: is often found mumbling to himself, falling asleep and drooling on your gran at parties, but “it’s alright, he’s a really sound bloke, he always turns up and works really hard.”

Except: he’s crap.

It might as well be made of bloody straw. I am sure there are better built doll houses out there.

I digress. Something goes wrong with this house every single day, but more often there will be five things in a day. Yesterday was unusual in that there were four.

So we are constantly irate at all the shit it throws at us, in touch with my LL far more often than I ever wanted or expected to be in a fancy house, and I HATE being here.

But here’s the thing: I chose to try to get these things fixed. Once I get one resolved it spurs me on to dealing with another three. But it’s too much. We all have our limitations. There’s only so much firefighting, organising, being let down by contractors and finding yet Another Bloody Thing the brain can cope with at any one given point in time. So, we hate the house, we hate what it has done to us and our relationship, but I made the decisions to try to get all those things fixed (looking for what, perfection?), so ultimately the buck stops with me.

Are you doing the same? If yes, stop it. Whilst I try to moderate my feelings towards the house I have lowered my standards from “fixed/perfect/working” to “no longer keeping me awake at night/not quite as bad as it was/it will do for now/somewhat better.” Because the alternative is a level of anxiety and brain drain that’s not helpful for either of us.

MAKE time for fun. Choose to do things next week. Shrug when a contractor ghosts you. Let your clean windows have streaks.

You will get to where you want to be eventually, but if you push too hard and too fast, it will be at the expense of liking the house, leaving you with nothing but a bunch of bad memories about how you got there.

(or maybe you just hate the house, in which case I apologise, and I am sorry for your crappy wall colour. Paint a pair of boobies on it in chalk til you have the energy to start again, so you can at least get a laugh at it in the meantime)

Do you think the feelings might be more to do with the move crystalising feelings about the stage of life you’re at? The house sounds really nice and at the end of the day a house is mostly there to provide us somewhere safe to live, which it sounds like your house is doing. I know for me moves often bring up feelings around e.g. if I’m imagining being in it for ten years, the age/ stage I’ll be at when I next move and/ or moving away from a house, I think back to where I was in life when we were first there.

or did the move seem so exciting partly as it was a distraction from something else going on in life?

I lived in a house I didn’t like for 5.5 years and it did bug me but I was actually really sad when we left it! I had a similar paint fiasco - Laura Ashley paint in my case - where I chose what I thought would be a lovely duck egg but when it was on the wall it looked powder blue, and somehow made the ceiling (which I thought was just off-white) look yellow. So suddenly I had a yellow and powder blue bedroom, wasn’t the look I had aimed for!!! After a few days I decided to suck it up and re-paint…..

I did this. We renovated the whole thing. It was beautiful. We still hated it. Sorry to say it op but we sold and moved. It just didn't feel right. We didn't get those vibes when we viewed it.

Love the house we are in now!

@EntirelyMadeofBosoms I'm in exactly the same situation as you. I hate it here due to the attached neighbour. The one next to him plays dance music at unbearable levels on a daily basis.
We even asked some of the other neighbours about noise and they were adamant that it was quiet here (we moved due to a noise neighbour and have ended up in the same/or worse situation).

If we sell before it's fully renovated there's no way we will make our money back. We've been here 3 years now and I hate it more each year. We have 2 very small children so renovations are so slow ☹️.

Sounds like the stream of works hasn't left you time to enjoy your home. I remember moving in and instantly thinking "oh, I've messed up here" before even getting off the drive.

4 years here. It's better but still discovering what we don't like about the area and lots more renovations and money to plough though.

I imagine we will feel more settled when all the work stops. Perhaps you might too?

It's easy to look back also and put a nice tint on it. I'm convinced I loved my old house. I didn't, that's why we moved!

If there's not one thing that springs to mind, I'd reason that transition and change is hard and our ability to process it does change at different life stages.

I hope time and the absence of trades eases your sadness.

My mum had a wobble when they last moved as she couldn't imagine moving again, a sort of "is this it," feeling more related to getting older than the house itself .

Maybe as you are nearer retirement age you have parked the unrealistic notions we have when younger of living somewhere with a swimming pool/farmlands/a turret whatever you once thought.

It sounds lovely though, I'd give it a chance, maybe break up the monotony of it being hard work with a holiday.

What did your last house give you that this one doesn't OP? Can you try and pinpoint where your sadness comes from?

I sympathise. This happened to me once. We bought a beautiful Georgian house with lovely views but just hated it when we moved in. It felt dark and depressing. We cut our losses and moved after 6 months, but that was in the days when Stamp Duty was about tuppence ha'penny!

@PissedOffNeighbour22 I am so sorry you have jumped from the frying pan into the fire so to speak despite all your careful research and questions. To go through all the stress and upheaval of moving but the carrot being that it would be worth it in the end, and to discover that it wasn't, must be incredibly difficult. Noisy selfish neighbours cause such misery.

I hope a miracle happens and they move, or at least curtail their activities and you can work through your renovations

Thanks @Abracadabra12345. I can't see him moving as he's been here 35-40 years when all these houses were sold off as derelict.

I'm kicking myself for being over-courteous too as when we moved in I had the washer/dryer etc moved to the other end of the house (which is an inconvenience to us) as I didn't want him to have to hear our appliances on the shared wall in the kitchen as I know it's against his living room wall.

At least it's not pounding dance music until 4am like at the previous house, but at least she took breaks from her partying, it wasn't every single day that was noisy like it is now.

I really sympathise on this one! I’m in the same position, the adjoining house to me which is causing me hell is a council house and I own mine… it’s soul destroying

So many lovely answers and suggestions from all who’ve answered, so thank you. I can’t pinpoint why the sadness, and if you could see how lovely this house and garden is, especially now it’s sunny, I’m sure you’d slap me and tell me to get over myself.
We’ve agreed to get all the jobs done to the house, and yes we’re rushing through them in the hope that by December it’s all done and we can hopefully begin to enjoy it and maybe even start to be happier. If not, then we’ll stick it out for a couple of years and sell up. We don’t want to spend the rest of our lives in a house that doesn’t feel like home.
I thought I’d love an older house (built 1938) with the high ceilings and character, but this whole experience has taught me that I’m obviously a more modern house type of person.

Is it the house itself or is it the area and community? If you are in a new area it can take a while to settle in and get to know things.

I think houses are really individual to a person, and sometimes they feel like a shoe that doesn’t quite fit. As try as we might, they’re just not comfortable. Interesting that you both feel like this. We made a huge mistake in 2017, moved to an old but totally restored chocolate box house with stunning garden in the country. However, it never felt like home, always felt like the previous owner’s house more than ours or a holiday home and I got increasingly unhappy there. I had no connection with the house at all. A home is a deeply personal space where we go to recharge, this house somehow drained me instead. So we moved in 2021 to a modern house which on paper is not so gorgeous, but I absolutely love it. It feels like my home. So I’d say if things don’t improve think about moving. Life is too short to be unhappy somewhere. We wasted 4 years in our previous house trying to make it feel right, it cost us some money to move again but it was definitely the right decision.

@TheCatsBlanket I didn't like my last house - it was a good size and nicely done up but I found the layout a pain, it was too cold in winter, and felt quite dark with no warmth to it. I've now moved and feel so much happier even though I have less room. I realise now how much I disliked my old house. It took me a while to work out that the darkness and coldness were the main reasons I disliked it.

@Kay36 that's the issue I had with the house I moved from. The neighbour was just horrendous.
Unfortunately it's not much better now I've moved. Seems everyone loves music and having a drink problem 😓

I do believe some houses have a weird vibe. Have you thought about getting it energetically cleared? I know it sounds a bit woo woo but I do think spaces can emit different feelings and we of course our projecting our feelings into the space as well but it’s interesting you’re both feeling that way.

@PissedOffNeighbour22 its just awful! I can’t understand why folk behave like this, I’m currently getting quotes for soundproofing, also thinking of selling up but I’ve worked so hard to get my mortgage as a single woman, the neighbour married a dying pensioner and got the council has signed over when he died!

I’ve not heard of this sort of thing, I’ll have to google it. I’d be happy to have it done if it helps, but although I’m not particularly woo woo minded, I wouldn’t want to accidentally bring forth some different odd feelings into the house !