We Shouldn’t Have Moved

[TheCatsBlanket]

We moved into our house almost five months ago, and as gorgeous as it is on paper, with a spectacular south facing garden, we are just not happy here and I can’t get over that this is probably the biggest mistake we have ever made . The location is lovely and the neighbours have been more than welcoming and friendly. The house itself needs a few things upgrading and we’re getting through them bit by bit so it has been quite stressful with contractors coming and going, but it’s coming together. We just can’t work out why it’s actually making us sad to be here. Talking tonight with my husband about it, after weeks of me bottling it up and trying to put on a cheerful face, he admitted he feels the same. When we viewed back in November we both fell in love with the place, hence we bought it, but now we’re having massive regrets and wished so much we hadn’t seen it on Rightmove and that we were still living in our previous house.
Has anyone been in this situation too? I have written a similar thread in the last few months to ask the same thing and so many people replied to say they had felt the same but now loved their homes, and that I should give it time. I’ve moved many times in my 62 years, but have never felt this way before about a house. As I say, on paper it’s perfect and to the outside world I am so lucky but I can’t snap out of this sadness.

Can anyone give me some tips please, other than to sell it and move on?

I was going to suggest that, maybe something sad happened in the house, you may not want to or be able to find out the details though.

Burn some sage.

Some houses have bad energy. I’m definitely not woo. But I lived in one that sucked the happiness out. It was a rental so we didn’t stay forever but it was better after the sage!

I think it’s the house mostly, the area is 10 miles from our previous house, slightly more rural although by no means isolated. The people seem more gentle here than where we previously lived, in fact one of the reasons we chose to move was because our old area felt like it was becoming less safe, such as when nipping to the local Tesco for a loaf etc, you’d inevitably come across gobshites in balaclavas and hoodies on bikes razzing around. We do feel safer here.

Maybe try writing a kind of journal when you feel the sadness, record what room you are in, what you are doing, what you are thinking about.

Also if you don't like the sulking pink paint, replace it! Annoying I know but repainting is a relatively cheap fix compared to some things.

We have complicated feelings about our house because it has cost so much to fix various things - we love it but feel if we knew what we know now then we would probably have chosen differently.

I hope it turns out that once you can settle down without contractors stressing you out all the time it might start to feel more like home.

The previous owners lived here about 20 years and we have contact with the lady as we’re still getting some of their post. She said they loved it here and said it had initially been a type of house with a cottage garden and orchard. She believes a district nurse had lived here for a very long time, and in 1995 a small local property developing company bought the orchard and built several detached houses around it. I’ve tried to find local history of it and belong to a Facebook group of the immediate vicinity. A lot of the other group members have lived here for ages with family spanning back centuries, but no one could shed any light on our house. Not sure where else I could look for its history to be honest.

It doesn't have to be a crime or anything locally known, maybe fertility issues, a miscarriage, or she was just sad to sell the orchard... 🤔 Or nothing of the sort, who knows! I hope you get to feel at home once you make all the upgrades. Good luck!

@Kay36 it's so hard isn't it and impossible to relax as you're waiting for what's coming next. I was living alone when she moved in but when my partner moved in with me she took huge offence and caused so much trouble. I loved my house but I just couldn't stay any longer.

@TheCatsBlanket the area being safer is a huge bonus. It sounds like a lovely house in a lovely area. I hope once the work is done it feels more like home.

It’s not one particular room nor time that I can tell. We just seem to be more sad than not……we’re not crying all the time, we just feel ‘blue’ more often than we did and seem to bicker more than ever. But I am going to force myself (and husband) to make ourselves like it, we loved it at the initial viewing and I said at the time (sounds daft) but almost as though the house hugged me when we came through the door and it was meant for us. So, I am so desperate to get that feeling back again. I live in hope.

Oh and the Sulking Room Pink paint (it really is a paint colour by Farrow and Ball) is growing on me and for £60 a can, it better bloody well had!

I will definitely give it a try

With us in hindsight, the house was a very beautiful 350 year old house and something I would very much admire and have said, oh imagine living there! The reality was it didn’t feel real if that makes sense. Also we moved to a very rural location which again I would have thought beautiful before, but found the reality of it very isolating and oppressive. Especially after having to spend lockdown there!! Basically the whole thing felt a bit unreal and like we were in someone else’s place & life. Sounds very weird I know. Now I’m in my modern family house on the edge of a lovely town, so in our case maybe it was like when people go on holiday, love it and buy there only to find out the reality is very different.

I really agree with this. I've viewed houses and not bought them because of the vibe. Nothing is obviously wrong. Just a really strong feeling of I don't like it here and want to leave!

Maybe the area is too boring for you and that's why you're blue. You could try a more adventurous move. If you still feel sad about the house next Spring, put it on the market. Sounds like you've made some improvements so you might even make a profit on it. If not, never mind. Just move on and enjoy your lives!

This was us ten years ago. During our time in our old house, we'd walked around the estate we're now on a good few times and even looked at three properties.

The time came to move for space and investment and a property came up on said estate, in very look order, renovations done well - it was a 'no' brainer. However, I found myself in tears the day before moving when we had to take cats away from their home. Our lovely neighbours were in tears. It was very easy to settle in, but not our much loved home we'd had for 15 years. Didn't help our lovely buyer kept getting our post, and every time we went around she wanted to show us what she'd done.

We both say we could still walk back into our old house and it would feel like home. However, we're still in current house - it still totally ticks the boxes of why we moved - we've discussed moving, but can't afford what we'd like in this area, so we're doing it up which is something I'm looking forward to.

My hippier friends would come and burn sage and so on. And it's a bit bonkers, but I do think some sort of acknowledgement that a place makes you unhappy and a conscious decision to tell yourself it's going to bring joy in the future can be helpful. Create your own ceremony! Burn some sage if you fancy!

As we're having some nice weather could you go and sit in the garden with a drink and get to love the outside space a bit.
It probably feels like everything inside is a project, a job to do, a suck on your time.
Maybe some peaceful time outside could help spark some joy.

Already been looking for local shops that sell it and also I found that there’s something called Palo Santo wood which is supposed to be very good too for energetic cleaning. I’ll be buying some tomorrow. Seems like it’s quite a popular thing to do and I’m very positive having read up about it.

The garden is the one place that makes me happy to be honest…can’t camp out there full time though!

What else is going on in your life? Are you both working or have you recently made other changes such as reducing or stopping work?

No other changes, I still work part time and my husband retired 4 years ago

You need a year AFTER the contractors have left. The stress of work on the house is enough to make everyone regret a house move temporarily

OP, I've felt like this after a house move too in the past! Life is too short to live in a house you don't love, why not set yourself a 2 year deadline, get it all nicely done up, keep an eye in the housing market and then if you still feel the same, move again. 2 years is plenty long enough to give somewhere a go, and might be nice mentally to know it will come to an end at some point if you're feeling like this.

I've felt massive buyer's remorse in all the properties we've bought.

It takes so much work to make a place feel like home IME and I think your age and stage play a huge part.

Something inside you both is not in harmony with where you are literally and emotionally perhaps.

I really agree with the suggestion of some sort of ritual to 'clear the air'. Whatever might work for you. I think rituals can often pack a punch in our subconscious and reach the parts which our rational brain can't always access.

Change is unsettling on so many levels and we often buy a property with less scrutiny than we should considering how monumental the decision is. It's overwhelming and we usually buy in a fog of stress, rush, Rose tinted spectacles etc

You almost need a process which bonds you to the place and create a sense of good faith, trust and love in you for the time you will be there.

A journal, if you enjoy writing, going into how you feel over a month might be very useful.

The house in our subconscious is a proxy for the self (or something like that) so our feelings about our home go very deep.

Sometimes the crisis we feel is something within which we can't see yet so we throw it out to make it more visible.

All the best, I hugely empathize, it's an emotional place I know too well xxxx

I think we have reached that decision yes….2 years and if we still feel the same then, it’s going up for sale.

My daughter moved into a new house that gave me the willies. I just felt it was 'odd' from the moment she and her partner moved in. They saged the whole place (my daughter is a bit into the 'woo') and put lots of incense burners and diffusers around and it immediately felt better.

Then I worked out why. It had smelled of the previous occupants. Once it started to smell like 'her' (and now they've painted it smells even better) it felt more like a 'home'.

Is there a particular smell you associated with your previous home, OP? A candle or room spray or even certain flowers? Might be worth a shot putting them around the place more. You never know...

This thread is really interesting. I know so many people love the idea of older houses (especially Victorian) but I have always thought they feel dark and cold. I also do think buildings can hold the energy of what has happened in them. I don't really want to live somewhere that holds a lot of history if that makes sense.

I hope you find a resolution OP and don't feel bad about the way you feel. It sounds as though it's something you just don't have control over although some of the suggestions here will hopefully allow you to regain some control.