Helping elderly parents downsize to a flat - what pitfalls do I need to be aware of?

[QueenieMe]

My parents live in my hometown over an hour's drive from where I live. They have decided the house and garden is getting too much now they are mid 70s and have made the decision to sell up. They want to buy a flat close to where we live, which my DP and I (and our DC) are totally on board with because we get on with them brilliantly and would love to have them nearby, plus it will make life so much easier as they age if I'm on the doorstep (I do have a sibling but they are useless and visit my parents about once a year, despite living only 20 mins drive away). My parents will be moving from a town where they have to drive everywhere to a city where everything is flat and shops, pubs, cafes, GP surgery, chemist etc are a stone's throw. They are excited at the prospect of reclaiming their social life! There are also three hospitals within 20 mins, whereas currently they are a 40-min ambulance ride from nearest one.

So far, so good. But I'm concerned about the emotional impact of them leaving their house after almost 50 years. It's my childhood home but I don't have a great attachment to it - my attachment is to my parents and I would love to be able to just pop round for a cup of tea whenever.

Any tips on making sure it goes smoothly and they don't end up with sellers' remorse?

I think they are likely to be delighted so don’t worry too much.

Ground floor flat, make sure doors are wide and level enough to adapt to doors and mobilty aids. And somewhere to keep the scooters! Bathroom big enough for sit down shower.

A friend of mines mum made a similar move and really enjoys being able to sit at the little front patio of her ground floor flat as people say Hi and it’s helped her get to know the neighbours.

(I think people on this thread are fretting far too much about flats and leases. Shared freehold can be better, but a long lease is fine - check the history for any problems with freeholders. You can have nightmare neighbours in a terrace as much as a flat, just check the soundproofing upstairs is ok.)

I wouldn't totally dismiss modern builds- many are better with being built with mobility restricted features- might not be necessary now but might be in 10 years and often have storage built in whereas many conversions don't. Service charges can be high but if that's reflected in a cheaper price you can get a lot of yearsservice charges out of a £75k saving on price and often get some maintanance in for that too

There are conversions, and there are conversions.

For the want of a better description, some are DIY conversions, where a house has been turned into 2 or 3 flats and flat owners manage it between themselves - one friend lives in one of these and all is well as the other two owners are all very reasonable, but that's just by chance!

Another friend lives in one of London's premier squares and has a large flat in a massive 5-storey house; it's run by a professional management company with high service charges, along with most residences in that square.

A lot of conversions are done on the cheap, and by the same token many are top-notch.

I would suggest making sure there is at least one room that is large enough for a hospital bed, hoist and armchair then it will be future proof. This may end up being the living so the second bedroom could be repurposed into a living room if needed. Also some flats have bathrooms with no internal window which may be off-putting to them. If there is a communal door before the door to their flat, check what would be allowed to be done woth it if needed eg temporary ramp or grab rails. How far would the garage or parking be from the flat? Might be able to drive but not walk the distance to the car in the future.....plan for the worst case scenario but hope for the best

Another option Op (but depends what the location is) is that many of the big retirement flat providers do rentals. They are expensive rent but balanced by the fact they can keep the money from their house and earn interest on it- no service charges, no issues with selling and relative security of tenure plus 'activities' and other people to meet with, lounge, bar etc in many too plus balconies and well kept gardens in some

My parents are in the 80s, and I've been dithering about moving for so long that it's now become too late so I think it's fantastic. The move is being driven by them and all you need to do is be supportive and helpful and follow their lead.

In terms of practical help, as they are moving closer to, you I would suggest helping them with building a support network over and above your own family. So get them set up with doctors dentist etc but also gentle offer ideas for local clubs or groups (walking groups, evening class, yoga etc) so they can build a social life and continue living & enjoying life independently as long as possible.

I'd also suggest they get themselves some bikes (or e-bikes) as building physical activity into everyday life has so many benefits for physical and mental well-being and it sounds like where you live, would very much suit cycling.

Agree 100% with @Westfacing

Having two bedrooms is also useful if you need a carer. Dedicated parking space and step free access is also a good idea if possible.

I'd also suggest they get themselves some bikes (or e-bikes) as building physical activity into everyday life has so many benefits for physical and mental well-being and it sounds like where you live, would very much suit cycling.”

An excellent suggestion, movemamamove. My disabled husband is eschewing a mobility scooter for an electric trike so that he can do what he can, when he can. Want to avoid the need for outside care for as long as we possibly can.

On the subject of future-proofing and bathrooms, in an ideal world, especially if you're redoing the bathroom, you'd want a bathroom and shower big enough for both the showering person AND the person helping them shower. We've recently realised that the shower in my parent's bathroom isn't quite big enough for two!

Corner showers are hopeless for accomodating proper removable shower seats too, but a true wet room can be a slip risk until it dries - IMHO a no-step, extra large, screened shower with a drain at the front and a grab rail inside is the way to go.

Who knew I had such strong opinions about showers!

There are some good points on this thread, but also some posters who seem to be really invested, to a weird extent, in the idea that everyone MUST live in a house, regardless of age, life stage or preferences. Is it any wonder the UK is in the middle of a housing crisis? And bungalows are a horribly inefficient use of space.

Are there allotments nearby? Can you put them on a waiting list for one? Excellent social space with gardening.

Could they sign up to volunteer at the local hospital as meet and greeter? My 73 year old Dad does it and he absolutely loves it and they treat him well too. Some volunteers don't get treated well for sacrifice of their time but it's better at hospital.

Repaint the new place in colours they love in the current home. You'd be pleasantly surprised how comforting this is.

Buy every small gadget for the new kitchen like easy OXO good grips can openers

A cat. How about a big moggy from a rescue who needs a new home?

Have they got a big gas guzzling car that needs downsizing too? Toyota Yaris Hybrid, or the inimitable Honda Jazz?
Good luck to you all!

Do you have a garden? If you’re not too bothered about it and you think your parents will miss theirs, maybe start involving them in chats about what you might want to do in yours. See if they can bring cuttings or transplant some favourites. Take them for a trip to the garden centre with you. Doing the “nice bits” of looking after your garden might be about the right amount of gardening for them for now and they can always reduce if they need to.

Think about:
Storage for wheelchair/mobility scooter.
Doorways being wide enough for wheelchair or walking frame or even a hoist
Refitting the bathroom when they buy to put a wet room, grab rails in now - much easier to do it at the start than doing it in a rush when it becomes a crisis.
Kitchen layout - will it work in a wheel chair or with a walking frame(sometimes galley kitchens are too narrow for example)
Enough room round a dining table to manoeuvre in and out of chairs easily

You probably won't find perfection but worth considering somewhere which needs a little bit of work (nothing major) because redecorating/new kitchen/new bathroom is perfect time to do things like put light switches by the bed, move switches and plugs to more accessible places (eg so less bending over required), as well as more obvious things like grab rails in bathroom (and an alarm code in bathroom!)

Also someone mentioned ebikes above - I think they are great for older people and help keep them active. If they aren't confident on two wheels, then there are e-trikes which are more stable.

They can also carry loads of shopping on them easily - much easier than walking with bags.

My DM moved herself to a two-up, two down Victorian terrace in her late 60s. It was 25 miles from DGM, and she was chilled with driving to help DGM (now deceased) change her bedding and with appointments etc. She bought a fixer-upper within three minutes walk of the town centre and had it fixed up to her liking. Twenty years later, it works for her with the addition of a stair lift about two years ago. She walks into town to shop, with help from DSis to do the supermarket once a week. She's 88 and still living very independently for the everyday stuff, although everyone helps her out when ladders etc are required. DBiL changes lightbulbs for example, and everyone chips in ideas/contacts if anything bigger needs sorting.

Just jumping back on to say thanks so much everyone for all the brilliant advice, from making sure there's somewhere to store a mobility scooter to installing wet room etc. Stuff we might not have thought about, so I am incredibly grateful. I spoke to my parents today and told them about the thread and they feel even more confident now about finding the right place for them.

MN gets a bad rap sometimes but threads like these really show what a great place it can be!

Look carefully at kitchen size, especially storage, before they buy. My parents struggled with that when they moved.

Storage generally. They won't have a loft, for instance.

They are doing exactly the right thing moving closer to you, how wonderful to make the most of the coming years. My parents gave up a holiday home around the same age as the garden was just too much. They put a chair lift in which helped with the stairs so that could be an option I think if you get a place with stairs. Wet room will be so helpful or handrails in the shower. Lots of good tips on here.

Look at more modern flats. I'm in a HA bungalow which is 20ish years old. All the doors and the hall are wide enough for a wheelchair / mobility scooter.

The plug sockets are all about 50 cm from the floor and the light switches are all low on the walls so a wheel chair user can switch them easily.

Your parents may never have any mobility issues but it's best to be prepared.

When I moved in you had to be over 50 or have a disability, but I don't think there was a requirement to have a low income (I did).

Because the bungalows are for older / disabled person my rent includes a gardener and a window cleaner.

When I moved in the bathroom was supposed to be a wet room, but it wasn't sealed properly and I had problems over a couple of years, eventually the landlord agreed to put a bath in.

I would look carefully at any wetroom. The shower in mine was at the height for a man standing, I'm 5ft 0 and needed to sit down so the shower water wasn't hot when it got to me and cold by the time it got to my feet.

There was a heavy metal grill that had to be lifted up to clean the drain out.

I have arthritis and a warm bath really helps.

In a flat watch out for noise, it seems to travel down and you might not be able to have laminate / lino / wood floors.

I was in a flat that was a house conversion before this, it had lovely high ceilings and no way for me to dust.

I would also look for storage for a mobility scooter, they may never need to use one but they cannot be charged in communal corridors.

Ideally a 3 bed is they can find one.

My grandparents lived in a 3 bed bungalow and when grandmother became increasingly ill it was much easier. first her and grandfather could have bedroom each so she they didn’t disturb each other if one was awake several hours overnight.

Then eventually a caregiver moved in a some months towards the end to help care for her, so everyone had space. She only went into a care home her last 2 weeks for end of life, rather than 9 months she remained in home.

Now grandfather remains in same bungalow. He’s turned spare room into guest room as the grandchildren are now all adults so he gets some overnight stays for company ( ie same if your parents live another 20 years, your own children will likely be adults.

Whatever they do, encourage them not to buy a retirement flat or property - there are often service charges on these and when the time comes for you to sell it, you will most likely find great difficulty in doing so and end up giving it away virtually!

Didn’t read any replies but you could get them involved in the local community and events happening etc?