Helping elderly parents downsize to a flat - what pitfalls do I need to be aware of?

[QueenieMe]

My parents live in my hometown over an hour's drive from where I live. They have decided the house and garden is getting too much now they are mid 70s and have made the decision to sell up. They want to buy a flat close to where we live, which my DP and I (and our DC) are totally on board with because we get on with them brilliantly and would love to have them nearby, plus it will make life so much easier as they age if I'm on the doorstep (I do have a sibling but they are useless and visit my parents about once a year, despite living only 20 mins drive away). My parents will be moving from a town where they have to drive everywhere to a city where everything is flat and shops, pubs, cafes, GP surgery, chemist etc are a stone's throw. They are excited at the prospect of reclaiming their social life! There are also three hospitals within 20 mins, whereas currently they are a 40-min ambulance ride from nearest one.

So far, so good. But I'm concerned about the emotional impact of them leaving their house after almost 50 years. It's my childhood home but I don't have a great attachment to it - my attachment is to my parents and I would love to be able to just pop round for a cup of tea whenever.

Any tips on making sure it goes smoothly and they don't end up with sellers' remorse?

Oh god, I am so all over that! We ended up buying the freehold on our flat because of so many lease problems. To do a loft conversion we had to pay the freeholder 15k for the bloody loft space - essentially fresh air!

Great advice about decorating etc, thanks!

You say it won't be for long, but my DM is in her 90s! That's 20 more years of living where they choose.

They may be being pragmatic now about decluttering - we thought DM was but we had tears and arguments about us getting rid of furniture, ornaments, pictures, kitchen stuff etc that she wouldn't have room for in her new, smaller flat.

She has a flat on a first floor, but there's a lift so it's fine.

Downsizing to a flat was the best thing she did. So much easier for her to look after and just generally live in.

My in laws moved from a house to a flat for the same reasons. The flats own the leasehold so they are involved in those decisions. It has a large balcony for outside space and MIL has got involved in directing the gardeners!

Flats are opposite a bus stop which they use a lot. It's worked v well for them and they enjoy the other flat owners.

I would think about their style of living generally. Is gardening their hobby ? If yes, you need to be sure that they would be able to continue

No, she doesn't! They're 70+ not 7. Perfectly capable of sorting out their own hobbies and interests.

This sounds perfect! Was it specifically a retirement flat or just in a block?

That is very true and obviously I hope they do live that long! It's great to hear the move was successful for your mum, it's really reassuring. I have no doubt it's going to be a wrench having to give up stuff but we also have a big loft at our house and have already said we can take anything they really don't want to part with, so it stays within the family.

My late dm downsized from her home of 40+ years to a small house 200 yards from my own. It was entirely her decision (I was worried about her leaving church and familiar places and people ) but she no longer wanted to be there “alone” after my df died. And the 120 foot garden was proving a burden,

For us, it was a fantastic decision - my dm did find new social activities but after a bad fall which left her unable to drive, she preferred to live a less sociable life. If we had been in a city centre she would have enjoyed it hugely - being able to potter to the shop would have been a huge help (our local shop was a short bus ride or a 15 min walk). It was also a massive relief that she was nearby during Covid.

As she aged, she became increasingly dependent on me - she was still capable and independent for an octagenarian but perhaps due to my proximity or perhaps just advancing age, she lost confidence and found life harder to manage alone. I don’t know what on earth we would have done if she had still be 1.5 hours drive from me. But be prepared that there may be a time when you are really needed - for companionship, physical help, help with life admin, trips to the optician pm fetching repeat prescriptions, changing light bulbs… anything really …older people appreciate support to navigate what can be a very confusing modern world. Towards the end of her life I saw my dm almost daily, and usually she would walk round to us to have dinner with my kids. My kids adored her. My dh was very, very, very patient - and that is important as I was “inflicting” her on my family life.

Mum and I became so very close during Covid, and losing her tore a hole in my heart I cannot repair. Perhaps that is both the best and a the worst of having her nearby.

i would encourage you and your parents to think ahead and put in place sensible arrangements now. Does the property have a sensible bathroom? What are the steps to the door and garden like? Is there room for them to sleep separately if needed - could you fit a fully reclining chair or sofa in the living room for example?What would happen if one of them needed full time or more significant support - is there sheltered accommodation nearby? Would you try and keep them both in their home and buy in care? It can be a huge drain and responsibility, even if you want to do it - and one day it might be necessary. Is this your dm’s dream or a shared dream? If your df isn’t 100% engaged in the idea and your dm passes away before him, what would happen?

I think it is a wonderful idea and a wish you and your parents every success and happiness in future.

My parents did this. I was surprised at how little they took with them and I was definitely more emotional about them leaving the family home than they were.
I’d advise that they pick a property within short walking distance of some shops etc. That way, if one or both of them slow down or become unable to drive, they still have some independence and can get to the shops/cafe etc, both for their own benefit and also as this will require less dependence on you for everything.

I'd just suggest avoiding retirement complexes. Monthly/annual charges can be very high and they can be very difficult to sell.

They want a ground-floor flat in a flat area close to shops, pub, cafes, chemist and GP and that's what they can get where we live.

And close to their DD, SIL and DGC with whom they get on brilliantly.

Sounds fab to me so enjoy it, OP, and stop mithering on Mumsnet 🙂

Don't rule out a house, you get a lift installed. Larger downstairs with small/few bedrooms would be good.

No lease issues, no upstairs neighbours. Bedrooms can be used for storage.

I'm so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing. It was Covid that started my parents thinking about downsizing - we were an hour away and they ended up feeling so isolated and low and worried about what would happen in an emergency. They are definitely on the same page about it but my mum is apprehensive about the practical side of things, like switching GP. I've said I would help with all that and my DP is 100% on board too. He wants them to move because he gets on great with them and he knows how much more difficult life might be if they stay put and I'm up and down the motorway every day because they need support. Whereas I could see them every day if they were just round the corner and they could come to ours for family meals. My mum lived an hour's drive from her mum who lived to 90+ and doesn't want that for us. It would be different if my sibling helped out but they are a lost cause.

The questions you've listed about future proofing are really helpful to, thanks!

They are ruling it out. They don't want the maintenance of a house now or stairlifts etc. They want one-level living.

That's good to know, thanks.

Ha, I need that tough love!

It should be fab and I'm excited for them and us!

Definitely avoid retirement apartment complexes. The service charges can be huge and you can have massive issues after (sorry to say) your parents pass away, with the resale of the flat - retirement flats lose rather than gain value, they do not resell well and you have to keep paying the huge service charges while it is stuck on the market trying to sell - it can be a massive money drain just at a time of trying to come to terms with loss.

A lot of wisdom here. You've won half the battle in that they want to move before it becomes an emergency for them, and that they're willing to declutter and downsize. Encourage them to join local clubs or hobbies so that they're not totally reliant on you for social interaction in their new place. U3A or the library would have listings. Maybe there's a community garden hub they could join if they might miss their own garden?
Having a spare room for hobbies/old friends to visit and stay over is also a bonus whilst they settle into their new home. Good luck with their move!

I'd suggest looking at future proofing. My parents downsized to a flat in a building with a lift but their mobility deteriorated shortly afterward. There is no space in the block of flats to store a mobility scooter so it can be difficult for them to get out and about as you have to have a degree of mobility to get on and off buses. If I were looking for a ground floor flat I'd look for something that had sufficient garden space to put in a shed for a scooter.

What they are looking for sounds ideal and realistic. GrandMIL made a similar decision 15 years ago after GFL died but went for a small house. She wanted to rent though as she couldn't cope with the maintenance and worry of the hints going wrong (GFL did everything). She's just had to move to a ground floor flat and much prefers it.

The house had a small garden (she used to love gardening) but as she aged it got harder and harder to maintain as she struggled with the lawnmower and we are all too busy to be mowing and hedge cutting every couple of weeks. The flat has a gardener and she has a few pot plants on the windowsill that are enough for her.

Second checking there is a sensible bathroom, think about having to get grab rails/ shower chairs or other mobility equipment to fit in one day. Same with room around the bed, will there be room for a walking aid one day?

Walking distance to some amenities is important as mobility declines. Pre covid GMIL could manage a 30 minute slow walk unaided to the town and get around the shops or Dr's. Unfortunately she was one of the group who were told to stay in and not open windows, she now struggles to walk for more than 5 minutes without aid of a stick and even with a stick only manages 15. Basic supermarket shop takes her over an hour. The nearest shops to her flat are too far for her to walk to (20mins at her pace) and so she is pretty housebound and hates it at she relies on all us for shopping and appointments.

Definitely decorate before moving in. Oh and check plumbing for washing machine, some blocks of flats do not have washing machine plumbing and instead communal facilities.

Ground floor bungalows 😂

I’ve heard everything now

Having lived in a beautiful period, converted flat, ground floor, do look at it realistically in terms of how warm it can be and how expensive to heat. High ceilings, large windows - cold.

Make sure the hallways and the kitchen are wide enough for a wheelchair and think about where shoes and coats will go if it's not wide enough for both.

If they are keen gardeners I would make a non-depressing view a priority. If all they can see is brick walls and cars, depression might set in.

The best flats I have seen by a country mile are in converted buildings: stately homes, a castle, former boarding school. High ceilings and a fair bit of grandeur. But those do come with service charges, I am afraid.

Can I asked if you have considered pooling your financial resources, moving and having them live with you? Somewhere they could have their own space or a granny annexe.

I would rather poke my eyes out with a red hot poker than live with my stepdad, but I understand other families can be less dysfunctional. I would have happily taken in my mum if I had had the chance - I did a far better job of looking after her when she got cancer than he did.

A view from the window. In 10 or 12 years time they might be spending a lot more time in their armchairs and a view on to a street can really help.

A comment on conversions.

Earlier this year we were looking for a 1/2 bed flat for my DD who has mobility problems / uses a wheelchair.

We found that conversions (a) had steps in, whereas new builds don't, (b) tended to have tight corners hard to do in a wheelchair, and (c) parking was often an issue too. Also (d) smaller bathrooms.
This could have been the rental price range we were looking in of course.