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Original poster

Awkward lodger issue - common sense approach needed

61 replies

whattodoforthebest2 · 31/03/2023 21:14

I'll try to keep this brief. For 10+ years now, I've had at least one lodger in my house to help with bills post divorce. Now all my kids have flown the nest, I'm about to put the house on the market, but currently have 3 lodgers. They've been with me 3-6 months. I previously had issues with 2 lodgers who I had to ask to leave because the situation became unbearable. So I do know that it can be a very mixed bag.

These 3 seemed to be very nice, professional people, quiet, friendly, relaxed etc and finally it seemed I had the perfect balance in the house. Until 3 weeks ago, when I realised that someone had been in my bedroom. There are no locks on any doors and I've always been of the opinion that I respect others' space and expect them to do the same. I have my laptop, ipad, purse etc lying around in the kitchen, for example and don't expect them to be touched. So, I realised that items had been moved in my bedroom, gift boxes on shelves for example and that things had been moved in my chest of drawers where I keep underwear and jewellery. I knew items had been moved because there were things I haven't worn for ages lying on top of other stuff.

I was shocked and angry that someone thought it was OK to do this but wasn't sure what to do/say about it. After a few days of stressing, I got really upset and confronted one of them and asked if she'd been in my room. She said "no" and was then worried about it and said I should talk to the others. Later that evening she asked me to speak to one of the others who was in the kitchen, so I went in and told him what had happened. (Incidentally, this guy is the nicest, calmest person imaginable and I can't believe it could have been him.) He didn't say much but looked concerned - he's a really quiet guy, so I wasn't expecting much response anyway. As we were talking, I was very upset and at that point the 3rd lodger arrived home and asked what was wrong. I told him and he said I should call the police and get them to take fingerprints. He said it categorically wasn't him and said it was something that would affect a person's career. (I wasn't entirely sure about that reaction, tbh, but he's a headmaster at a local school, so different perspective). To my mind, nothing was taken AFAIAA, so the police wouldn't be interested at all. He suggested someone might have broken into the house or a former lodger might have come back to cause trouble. I think that's unlikely. It's a huge house and just rooting through the stuff in one bedroom is unlikely, surely. I also have a dog who would bark at anyone coming in and noone would ever know if the house was empty anyway.

So now I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. The girl has just given me notice to leave as she doesn't feel comfortable here now. I think she'd stay if I wanted her to because until this issue, we got on really well, but obviously I've been stressed over the past two weeks and she doesn't feel welcome here now. The other younger guy seems to be ok, and the older guy just seems to have brushed it all aside. He did say I should consider getting cameras installed which I told him I was seriously considering. I'm still convinced it was one of them, which, given the girl's reaction, means it must have been the older guy. I'm getting so confused and stressed by all this and putting the house on the market in the next few weeks will only add to that.

Sorry, this isn't at all brief. If you've read this far, what's the sensible thing to do?

OP posts:
WhenDovesFly · 31/03/2023 21:20

You're planning to put the house on the market soon so is there any need to persuade the woman to stay? You'll have to give them notice to leave soon anyway.

Other than that, just get a Ring indoor camera and set it up inside your room. It links to your smartphone and will alert you if there's any activity in your room when you aren't there.

GDPRBreach · 31/03/2023 21:20

Well it was obviously one of them and they all sound suspicious, the woman leaving because she's been found out, the one brushing it off and the one blaming a former lodger.
I would give them all notice.

Motnight · 31/03/2023 21:22

Put a lock on your door?

You are never going to find out who it was. Learn from it. It is absolutely rubbish that it has happened.

peeweechigs · 31/03/2023 21:24

A headteacher is a lodger?! Why on earth?

And just get a lock! Can't imagine why you haven't had one before.

fruitbrewhaha · 31/03/2023 21:27

I find it strange you have put locks on the doors. Can the lodgers lock up their rooms?

If you are putting the house on the market they will probably leave soon anyway. It will be easier to market without them there.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 31/03/2023 21:32

Thanks for the responses. I told them all that I would be selling the house in the Spring so that won't be a surprise, but it could still be 6 months before I move out.

Yes, re their reactions, I decided that seeing how they reacted would give me a clue. The girl immediately started looking elsewhere and we haven't spoken much at all in the past week or so, the young guy I hardly see (and I really don't think it could have been him) but it was the older guy who brushed it aside and said it was probably a former lodger. He is the newest of them and I was surprised that he made himself at home v quickly, changed a lightbulb which 'was annoying him', which meant going through various cupboards to find a new one, all without asking me. He also said something which rang alarm bells early on - I have an office with all my business files in, bills, records, paperwork etc and he mentioned something which he couldn't have guessed and which suggested he'd looked in there too. I don't know, I don't want to go round accusing people, but this whole situation is driving me nuts. My mortgage payments have increased massively so I can't do without them, otherwise, believe me, I would.

OP posts:
Shoelacesundone · 31/03/2023 21:34

Given you don't KNOW who it was you can't do anything other than put a lock on your door.

I certainly wouldn't ask anyone to stay who has said they're leaving.

Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 31/03/2023 21:36

Re the headmaster - he hasn't shared much information, but is divorced with adult daughters, has been at the school 2 years and hates it and is looking to move abroad asap.

OP posts:
Original poster
whattodoforthebest2 · 31/03/2023 21:39

They don't have locks on their doors either. I wouldn't dream of going into any of their rooms without asking first, which I have just done, to check decor etc before I get estate agents round.

OP posts:
Backstreets · 31/03/2023 21:44

sounds like older guy. Since you’re putting the place on the market anyway, I’d get a security camera and just count down the days.

EstherHazy · 31/03/2023 21:48

Sounds like you kind of need them all to stay for financial reasons, so I'd be inclined to get a lock on your door, offer them all locks as well so it doesn't look like just you being paranoid or anything (you're not) and play a bit of a long game with it. Say you really don't know who it was and recognise it has made things feel awkward. Since it won't get resolved, you're just getting locks for everyone and am firmly moving on with no further interest in looking back on it. Onwards and upwards, and hope you can muddle along with a reasonably happy household.

I know ultimately though you must be feeling really uncomfortable but if you have to keep them all then that's how I would personally do it. Easier said than done.

Lunde · 31/03/2023 21:50

Do your lodgers ever have guests over? Could be none of them but someone they have invited in

If you are planning to sell it might be best to give everyone notice anyway

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 21:56

So you've only known these lodgers 3-6 months, so practically strangers and you not only don't lock up your bedroom, but you don't lock up all your paperwork/office and leave your purse and electronics lying about? That's not being a friendly, trusting landlady, it being naive and irresponsible, in my opinion.

You've just told your female lodger that someone's being rifling through your knicker drawer and you're thinking of asking her to stay regardless? Let her leave in peace to find somewhere she feels safe and secure.

Learn your lesson, buy some locks and a camera and look forward to having a place of your own you don't have to share with strangers

thegrain · 31/03/2023 22:00

I think you need to keep yourself safe. Lock things away

OhcantthInkofaname · 31/03/2023 22:08

Its the old guy! He is a snoop.

Babymamaroon · 31/03/2023 22:14

I think it's the girl! Her reaction to move out so quickly has guilt written all over it.

I love a whodunnit.

But in all seriousness, this is really unpleasant for you and it's timely you're selling up.

Mixkle · 31/03/2023 22:16

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 21:56

So you've only known these lodgers 3-6 months, so practically strangers and you not only don't lock up your bedroom, but you don't lock up all your paperwork/office and leave your purse and electronics lying about? That's not being a friendly, trusting landlady, it being naive and irresponsible, in my opinion.

You've just told your female lodger that someone's being rifling through your knicker drawer and you're thinking of asking her to stay regardless? Let her leave in peace to find somewhere she feels safe and secure.

Learn your lesson, buy some locks and a camera and look forward to having a place of your own you don't have to share with strangers

This.

I would give them all notice asap, if you can’t get by for a few months without the money you can get new short term lodgers in.

If you don’t want to give them all notice I would definitely give notice to the older guy who has apparently been through your office, it seems almost certain to be him if he’s already trespassed.

And put a lock on your door!!!

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 22:19

It's like a really bad, amateur version of cleudo.

massivenamechnage · 31/03/2023 22:21

Gingergirl70 · 31/03/2023 22:19

It's like a really bad, amateur version of cleudo.

It was professor plum in the bedroom with a pair of silky pjs

Butterwicky · 31/03/2023 22:27

peeweechigs · 31/03/2023 21:24

A headteacher is a lodger?! Why on earth?

And just get a lock! Can't imagine why you haven't had one before.

This was my take too. Where is this hellscape that even a headteacher can't afford their own place?

Rigsby2023 · 31/03/2023 22:27

It’s the younger guy! He’s been riffling through your underwear drawer! No doubt a porn addict, too.

They do say it’s always the quiet ones…

Rigsby2023 · 31/03/2023 22:33

Mixkle · 31/03/2023 22:16

This.

I would give them all notice asap, if you can’t get by for a few months without the money you can get new short term lodgers in.

If you don’t want to give them all notice I would definitely give notice to the older guy who has apparently been through your office, it seems almost certain to be him if he’s already trespassed.

And put a lock on your door!!!

Show quote history

It feels really weird constantly locking and unlocking your bedroom door when you’re sharing with lodgers, who themselves aren’t allowed locks on theirs.

Admittedly in this case it turns out a lock was needed, but generally the landlord having one on her door risks creating a bad atmosphere.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 31/03/2023 22:41

I would be upset if I were your female lodger too. Get a camera asap. Get several, focussed on each door, if someone is in your room, they may be going into the others too.

CutesyUserName · 01/04/2023 07:00

I am also a live-in landlady to lodgers. I'd be wary about offering to put locks on lodgers' doors (can cross into tenant rather than lodger territory which can change their rights when it comes time to vacate).

I would make it very clear to both of the remaining lodgers, being careful not to cast blame on either of them, that you have taken 'measures' to ensure anyone intruding on spaces anywhere in the house where they have no right to be will be caught, without specifying what those measures are. Not knowing what they might be will hopefully deter the culprit from nosing around again.

I'd also put a lock on your bedroom door (inside and out) and your office space if you have anything in there that is confidential.

If you're about to go on the market, I'd try to maintain the status quo with these two for the duration unless it becomes very clear which of them was the culprit. Looking for new, decent lodgers (always a lottery - you never know who you are going to get until you live with them and sometimes it better the devil you know) is going to be a pain, especially if it's clear you are selling up.

I'd also make it clear to both of them that you will be wanting to show their rooms to prospective purchasers. As a live-in landlady to lodgers, you have a legal right to enter their rooms whenever you want to - lodgers have very few rights - unlike tenants. They can't refuse to allow this. Having said that, I'd always try to give them as much notice as possible of when you are expecting viewers.

When I was in a similar situation, I asked our lodgers to be out of the house for viewings, which the estate agent would conduct. We had a reasonable relationship and they didn't have a problem with this and I actually always managed to arrange viewings when they were out at work (letting them know a viewing was going to happen). I was fully prepared to give any of them notice if they refused either entry (which they are not allowed to do) or to vacate during viewings, but luckily they all were happy to comply and we still managed to live together harmoniously.

This may seem harsh and unfair and we always tried to arrange things without putting anyone's nose out of joint if possible, we always managed to keep a happy home (most of the time!), but as mentioned lodgers have very few rights compared to tenants however wrong that might seem to people who don't know the difference.

Best of luck (and sorry for the stupidly long post!)

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 01/04/2023 07:11

Agree with everything @CutesyUserName and @Gingergirl70 said.

I don't think it's the girl. In her position I'd move out of a house with other residents who can't be trusted sharpish also, I wouldn't feel at all safe or comfortable, I don't think guilt is why she's gone. My money's on the older one.