Awkward lodger issue - common sense approach needed

[whattodoforthebest2]

I'll try to keep this brief. For 10+ years now, I've had at least one lodger in my house to help with bills post divorce. Now all my kids have flown the nest, I'm about to put the house on the market, but currently have 3 lodgers. They've been with me 3-6 months. I previously had issues with 2 lodgers who I had to ask to leave because the situation became unbearable. So I do know that it can be a very mixed bag.

These 3 seemed to be very nice, professional people, quiet, friendly, relaxed etc and finally it seemed I had the perfect balance in the house. Until 3 weeks ago, when I realised that someone had been in my bedroom. There are no locks on any doors and I've always been of the opinion that I respect others' space and expect them to do the same. I have my laptop, ipad, purse etc lying around in the kitchen, for example and don't expect them to be touched. So, I realised that items had been moved in my bedroom, gift boxes on shelves for example and that things had been moved in my chest of drawers where I keep underwear and jewellery. I knew items had been moved because there were things I haven't worn for ages lying on top of other stuff.

I was shocked and angry that someone thought it was OK to do this but wasn't sure what to do/say about it. After a few days of stressing, I got really upset and confronted one of them and asked if she'd been in my room. She said "no" and was then worried about it and said I should talk to the others. Later that evening she asked me to speak to one of the others who was in the kitchen, so I went in and told him what had happened. (Incidentally, this guy is the nicest, calmest person imaginable and I can't believe it could have been him.) He didn't say much but looked concerned - he's a really quiet guy, so I wasn't expecting much response anyway. As we were talking, I was very upset and at that point the 3rd lodger arrived home and asked what was wrong. I told him and he said I should call the police and get them to take fingerprints. He said it categorically wasn't him and said it was something that would affect a person's career. (I wasn't entirely sure about that reaction, tbh, but he's a headmaster at a local school, so different perspective). To my mind, nothing was taken AFAIAA, so the police wouldn't be interested at all. He suggested someone might have broken into the house or a former lodger might have come back to cause trouble. I think that's unlikely. It's a huge house and just rooting through the stuff in one bedroom is unlikely, surely. I also have a dog who would bark at anyone coming in and noone would ever know if the house was empty anyway.

So now I'm in a situation where I don't know what to do. The girl has just given me notice to leave as she doesn't feel comfortable here now. I think she'd stay if I wanted her to because until this issue, we got on really well, but obviously I've been stressed over the past two weeks and she doesn't feel welcome here now. The other younger guy seems to be ok, and the older guy just seems to have brushed it all aside. He did say I should consider getting cameras installed which I told him I was seriously considering. I'm still convinced it was one of them, which, given the girl's reaction, means it must have been the older guy. I'm getting so confused and stressed by all this and putting the house on the market in the next few weeks will only add to that.

Sorry, this isn't at all brief. If you've read this far, what's the sensible thing to do?

Steady on Columbo!

As a PP Said, the OP is naive. I wouldn’t rent a room with strangers without a lock on the door, feck that!
OP Sounds like a classic greedy Rigsby. Told them you are selling up, but want them there to the bitter end? They’ll all be off soon, problem solved.

It was the girl.

I’d be wary of putting a lock on the outside of your door though.
My cousin did this as a 17yr old teenager to stop his younger brother going in his room. Backfired when younger brother locked him in at night and left for school in the morning leaving him locked in with the key in there with him. Mum and Dad where at work, so he then embarrassingly had to ring into his apprenticeship job to explain why he wouldn’t be in 🙈

Thanks to everyone who made constructive comments. There's a lot of demand for rooms locally, so hopefully I'll replace the girl quickly and will then have a think about whether to give the older guy notice. I'm fairly convinced it was him now and, even though I'm planning to move out sometime this year, I don't want him to think it's all forgotten and he's got away with it, so I may end up giving him notice at some point. I'll see how the next few weeks go. I'll probably install cameras rather than locks, for reasons some of you have already mentioned. Incidentally, the girl's hoping I'll accept a week's notice - I hardly think that's fair on me - I don't imagine she'd have liked it if I'd given her a week's notice. Another issue to sort out.

I would give them all notice and get short term renters in. Instal a lock on your door first and lock away paperwork etc. I think it’s the older guy. He sounds generally weird:

Surprised that the crafty younger guy is getting away with it to be honest. Maybe just because OP hasn’t given much detail about him, nobody is suspecting he’s the culprit. Yet why should he be above suspicion?

What's the problem?

You're putting the house on the market so they all have to leave before that. Because no buyer wants a property with random lodgers residing.

You KNOW one of them has overstepped the mark; and it doesn't really matter which one it was. They've all got to go. Just give everybody simultaneous notice to quit one month from now.

The two innocents will perfectly understand ; and the other needs no consideration whatsoever.

When the last leaves, change the locks.

The girl has just given me notice to leave as she doesn't feel comfortable here now.

Of course she bloody doesn't; she knows one of the two guys in the house has been fooling around in YOUR room and that means he's been in hers too. You have a sex predator in the house. No wonder she wants out ASAP.

Seriously why would you not install a lock? And a camera in your room and office? Like fuck would I sleep with strangers in my house or people that have strangers round. You sound almost proud that you don’t have a lock. You don’t know people history or motives or when someone will become violent or assault someone. No wonder the other woman wants to get the fuck out of there with no lock on her door.

Re the headmaster - he hasn't shared much information, but is divorced with adult daughters, has been at the school 2 years and hates it and is looking to move abroad asap.

His stories stink to high heaven.

Teachers do not apply for a HT post unless they KNOW that school and want to work there; if its a sink school he'd know in advance, and both the applicants and the interviewing Board, would be confident the successful applicant was capable of turning it around.

IOW, HT's never turn up blind and get a nasty surprise. If the school has problems the HT applicants knew before they applied, and under no delusion the first two years would be a challenge.

Have you googled that schools website to see who is named on it as the current HT?

Have you personally checked the employment references of ALL your lodgers?

I was thinking that. It seems like the obvious solution, but I was a lodger and had lodgers for years, I’ve never put bolts on any interior doors other than the bathroom. I know you cant trust anyone 100%, but I couldn’t live in a house where we felt like we had to padlock our things away.

I think they were stupid to take such an enormous risk. They haven't taken anything, just rummaged. How could they have known that you didn't have a camera or a nannycam in there?

If you are certain then yes I agree with pp to serve them all with notice and sell without any lodgers present.

I only ask if you're certain because I always used to silently blame my lodger if anything was out of place but now I live alone I realise it must've been me at least some of the time!

And nobody here can tell you who it was. We've no idea and can't possibly tell from what you've written.

Don't be daft. I personally know HTs who have started a job and not enjoyed it. You don't know the staff or the parents before you join. You don't know how much resistance you'll get to proposed changes, or how cliquey they are.

You shouldn't have told us he was a teacher op. Everyone on mn will tell you it was him. Out of interest what jobs do the others do? Young female will be assumed innocent I think.

As my DGM would say its simply not "policy" to have unlocked doors when sharing a home with lodgers.(She had some when young) I would just say " hey guys ,just fitting some locks on our doors!" If they are due to be leaving when you sell ,its not a huge issue really.Just think of it as lesson learned ,if you have any guests again (paying or not) Its better for everyone s peace of mind

I’ve had employers references for all of them. He is the HT at the school, I’ve checked. I won’t be giving them all notice now because I can’t manage my outgoings without them. I had viewings before Xmas and there were no issues with having lodgers - they kept out of the way and the people viewing were fine with it. There’s no point in having cameras and locks, it’s one or the other and I don’t want locks on their doors or mine - I think that gives a bad impression and could cause other issues.

Whatever the outcome with the lodgers, you need to get your financial papers and so on under lock and key. A friend of mine put their house on the market and soon after suffered identity theft - a viewer stole documents during a house viewing.

A camera in any rooms they are not supposed to go into. I don't know the legalities and whether you are supposed to tell them though.

Incidentally, having lodgers over many years has shown me that people really do have very different boundaries in terms of behaviour and attitudes. It’s quite an eye opener.

I think it’s only invasion of privacy if it’s their personal space ie their rooms or bathrooms, which of course it wouldn’t be.

You should never put locks on lodgers doors. Lodgers are not permitted exclusive use of any area of you home. You potentially make them a tenant if you put a lock on their door and that can cause a lot of headaches.

No, I think she wants to move out before someone goes through her things.

My money is on the headteacher.

Exactly. My feeling is they shouldn't be in there so no loss of privacy.

As you'll be putting the house on the market, and they are lodgers and not tenants, give them notice - starting with the one setting your spidey-senses on edge. Then when they are gone, give the next one notice and finally the last one. If you can manage it, cover the bills by yourself for a month or two and by that stage, I have a suspicion that if your house is in good knick, it'll sell quickly!

Best of luck with it.

I thought this too. Something weird about this guy. Headteacher but lodging with a landlady. And now he wants to move abroad? Straight away tried to blame previous lodgers? Get rid.

If you have strangers moving in your home you should have locks on doors.
Sell up and move on, let the lodgers go

Have you changed the lock between lodgers? Could a former lodger have had a key cut, come back and let themselves in?