Cannot relax in my home - do I move? Help!!

[honeyandfizz]

Hi all I am looking for advice. I bought a mid terraced property 2 years ago after relocating to a place I adore, when I was buying it I had doubts about noise and neighbours and wish now i had listened to my gut feeling. I have completely renovated it and it is beautiful and in a lovely location, lots of period features and is warm and cozy. The problem I have is with the next door neighbours. I will caveat this by saying I am an anxious person in general and certain things trigger this like noise.

On one side of me i have a lovely single woman same age as me who I get on well with, she is out at work full time and i barely hear her. The other side (our lounges connect) is a couple in their mid 50s who have never had DC (saying this as it seems to have made them less tolerant). I have 2 dc one at Uni and DS who is 18. I never ever hear them but they have complained to me 3 times now about DS making noise.

The first time he was shouting at his computer on a Saturday lunchtime and more recently he twice had mates over until 3am whilst I was away. He had been told mates need to leave by 11pm but he did not obey me and quite rightly they complained, I was furious with DS who took them flowers round and apologised. I feel I am on constant tenterhooks and feel we have to tip toe around as not to disturb them. DS likes to play his guitar and music, always at a low volume when I am here as I make sure of it, he is a good kid, polite and kind.

The husband merrily told me they had fallen out with the previous owners of my house as they had 2 toddlers who were making toddler noise early mornings and they took to banging on the walls shouting 'shut the fuck up' at them. Sounds like things got heated and they didnt speak by the time previous owners moved out - NDN told me they opened champagne the day they left.

I have tried so hard to overcome my anxiety over us making noise but I can't, it consumes me even to the extent of shutting the wardrobe doors early in the morning. Do I have no option but to move? Had the house valued on Friday and it has gone up in value due to the work I have done, but gutted to have spent 50k on it and just not enjoy living here. Moving is such a painful, expensive mission but I wonder unless I was in a detached (which I cannot afford) will I ever be relaxed and do I just need to suck it up and learn to live with this knot inside me? I would have the option of a semi with halls dividing us so wonder if this could be a better option? TIA.

He’s had mates over twice till 3am? And that’s all? They’re being ridiculous. Im the most intolerant arsehole ever about noise but that’s perfectly within the realms of normal and definitely not worth them moaning about.

And noise during the day on a Sunday lunchtime is fine. People can’t be expected to be quiet all the time! (And I really do mean I hate noise - I went round to my neighbours to moan about them making noise till 2am over Christmas; my Ds has autism and couldn’t sleep).

Your neighbours sound very intolerant. Either you have to learn to ignore them or move really.

If they’ve only complained 3 times in 2 years, with one time justifiable, that’s not bad. Have you spoken to the neighbours. I don’t think you should move but perhaps explain to them that you were anxious about moving to a terraced house with teenagers. I’m sure by now you would know about it if there were any further problems.

Yep I was away with work and had a text from them at midnight to say they had 'let it slide' on the first night it had happened but it was all now 'getting too much'. DS moved to a completely new area at 16 and this was the first time in 2 years he has had mates over. I make him go in the back bedroom now to play his guitar and music just so not to disturb them but feel so uneasy. DS was set to go to Uni this year but has decided to take a year out and i know I cannot live with us tip toeing around. I just cannot relax here - most people would let it wash over them but i can't seem to do it.

Thanks. The recent issue with the 3am noise happened twice in the same week a couple of weeks back. They are always really nice to my face and were apologetic for complaining. The problem is me, I know they cannot tolerate noise and so I feel like I cannot relax here and poor DS is made to tip toe around by me really. I guess I know deep down I have to move it is just such an expensive hassle.

They sound like absolute arseholes and are completely in the wrong. Everyone makes noise occasionally and if they can't handle it they should move to a barn in the middle of nowhere.

I think it would be worth exploring why you are so worried about upsetting them - is it because you are a people-pleaser, for example, or because you don't like conflict and wish to avoid it? Those traits are nothing to be ashamed of but if it is stopping you living your life in the home you have worked so hard for, perhaps it would be worth talking to a therapist about it. You have the right to live your life and enjoy your home and it's a shame you don't have the confidence to feel like you do.

Being proud of shouting shut the fuck up at toddlers? he sounds like a complete cunt.
Keep a note of any complaints, you're being completely reasonable and they sound vile.

If they’ve only complained 3 times in 2 years, with one time justifiable, that’s not bad.

I agree with this, although like you I am an anxious person and any complaints would leave me paranoid about making normal, everyday noise.

Could you bring yourself to relax a bit and see what happens, before making any big decisions about moving? Stop worrying about things like closing doors, and see if they do complain? You have the option of moving if you need to, but it sounds as though the neighbours could be a lot worse; at least they aren't noisy themselves.

And no matter how nice they are to your face, anyone who shouts "shut the fuck up" through the wall at a toddler is an arsehole!

It would be a shame to lose your lovely home over this OP.

It's honestly not you, it's them.

Terraced house living comes with some noise. If you can't tolerate it either but a detached house or a caravan in the middle of nowhere. A bit of shouting at a computer during the day and some mates over at 3am on 2 occasions in so many years does not really constitute noise harassment.

They are bullying you, OP.

And how dare they shout "shut the fuck up" to a family with toddlers and then tell you this like they're proud of themselves?

They are a pair of cunts and the next time they approach you, tell them firmly that you do not believe yourselves to be either noisy or antisocial and you consider their behaviour to be intimidating and harassment. And if it continues, you will be taking it further.

And get to your doctor to get your anxiety over this issue on record.

I don't think they were being unreasonable if they were kept up twice in the same week until 3am by a bunch of rowdy young adults tbh, it's not like it's every 6 months it happens - twice in a week would really annoy me too!

I think normal family noise is fine, but if you're used to being around it (perhaps this was the case with the previous family with young DC) you accept a higher level of noise because your baseline is higher.

Shouting at a video game during the day = annoying but not the end of the world
Being kept up until 3am twice in a week by parties = would be a problem for most people

It doesn't sound like they're complaining lots - 3 in 2 years sounds lower than I'd expected from your OP. I think your anxiety (understandably) is making this into a huge issue for you, I know saying "just relax" isn't helpful, but perhaps you could try to slowly make a bit more normal noise and work on how you feel around that?

Keeping the neighbours up until 3am is not on but your DS has apologised, draw line under it.
As for creeping around your own home, stop that now.
Normal every day noise is completely acceptable, you don't need to creep around, it doesn't sound like your ndn is annoyed or has fallen out with you.
Have a conversation with DS about being mindful of shouting when he's gaming and keeping noise to a minimum when he has friends over and not to have them there until 3am.
Will your DS go off to uni?
If so, then it will be just you in the house, I'm a pretty quiet person, just pottering around, sometimes do a bit of DIY but I don't worry about what the neighbours think.
You're definitely overthinking it, you do not need to sell up, you love your home and will have worked hard for it.
If this issue has been recent it will be in the forefront of your mind, let some time pass and it will become less important.
Enjoy your home, you deserve it

💯

If you can’t afford a detached house I wouldn’t move. You can get noisy or difficult neighbours anywhere and you will still be anxious. Also if your son plays a lot of music, that is going to potentially be an issue in another house.

My first home was a big Victorian terrace. The noise from the neighbours both sides was horrendous. You could hear everything! I moved in the end to a detached house but had to move out to a much cheaper neighbouring town.

I’m in a small modern terrace now and I know that my family are the noisy ones. I am mortified about it and I do wish I could move so I get how you feel. I can’t afford a detached home now so what’s the point.

But the thing is, if you do move, what's to stop you feeling the same way in your new house?

I think it would be better to stay where you are and explore why you feel so bad about upsetting people.

It's not normal or helpful to feel so worried about making normal amounts of noise.

You already know that your NDN are unreasonable and intolerant, not very nice people - why care so much about what they think?? 💐

I disagree that the problem is them. They’ve only complained twice by the sounds of it, the first occasion of 3am they didn’t say anything? Complaining about being awake at 3am with neighbour noise twice in quick succession is totally normal? How bad was the shouting they complained about? Was he wearing headphones?
theyve made two complaints in 2 years, both in response to a lot of noise. Why has this triggered you to feel like you have to creep round? What have you tried for the anxiety? I don’t think your reaction is in proportion at all.

Btw you don’t know how noisy the last family were, perhaps they were unreasonably noisy? Have your neighbours banged on your walls at all?

Wouldn’t it be cheaper to see a therapist and get your anxiety under control? They could also help you become a little more assertive with the neighbours and set appropriate boundaries with both them and your sons.

Then you could stay in your lovely home and enjoy it.

Stop tip toeing round. Enjoy your home and if they are intolerant to noise they should be the ones to buy a detached home.

In the same position, in a terraced house and other side never hear from introduced himself when he took in my package but the old lady on the other side I have tried many times to keep the noise down ds 10 is autistic so is gaming but no loud and I’m constantly on at him to make sure noise is low level and dd3. Neighbour has made a point a few times about noise but we are not in most of the time, you can hear her plug in things and also she has no tv so sits in silence with her cats. I’ve given up trying as I have lived near elderly people who have had grandchildren and have been understanding. We lived in a semi detached with lovely neighbours and I miss living there at times as we all got along lovely but this time I honestly don’t want to be in the house and tend to go out all of the time to avoid being in. She is like the neighbourhood watch complaining about the delivery men to the post man and neighbours too. I’ve had a few extra bin bags in my yard so she put a complaint into the council (they don’t collect recycling down here due to the van size and location) so I have to pay to have rubbish removed every month. Last month I couldn’t get a slot with it being busy for collections. I feel like I can’t do anything, even having my partner visit she is constantly there if anyone comes near the house. She doesn’t leave the house and goes through everyone’s rubbish, I’ve caught her a few times looking through mine and other rubbish bins. I’m hoping to be out this month because I honestly hate not getting on with neighbours, I prefer to get along and I feel like my children can’t play at all. We have a long garden at the front of the house and I put dd Wendy house there and she put a complaint in.

This is your issue, not theirs. They are not excessively complaining or being difficult. Even if they are unreasonable you need to learn to control your anxiety and they need to back off and realise you're not going to be dictated to. 3 am nonsense was unreasonable, but the rest they can just learn to ignore and I would tell them so.

They sound like nightmares. Believe it or not your allowed to make noise in your own homes!

I'd blank them and ignore them from now on, what can they do? You own your own home so it's not like they can report you and get you evicted! Live your life's and ignore them.

I would say don't sell, if you are so anxious about this situation (Im not having a dig, I get anxious at times as well) the process of selling and buying sounds like it would be too much for you. Especially in this climate.

Your neighbours sound unreasonable, complaining about toddler noise is ridiculous . I don't have children and like my peace and quiet but It would never occur to me to complain about children, babies crying at 3am etc etc

The only thing I think is unacceptable is regular loud music very late at night, noisy building works at 6 am/midnight etc

Living in a terrace house you expect some noise. You have done nothing wrong.

Also in a terrace and feel like we’re the noisy ones! Can you insulate? We’ve just had some acoustic plasterboard and rubber stuff put in on the side where living areas adjoin. Just the living room as we were decorating there but seems to have made a difference. At least then you can tell them you’ve done x and they can do the same on their side elsewhere if they want?!

I'd be pretty annoyed if I'd been woken up at 3am twice in a week by your son and yes, I'd expect you to sort it.

The shouting at the computer game, I'd let go a few times, but if it became regular, again, you'd have a problem to deal with.

Sorry you are dealing with this op. It’s not nice feeling unsettled in your own home.

I think this is a neighbour problem. Sorry, but those of us who live in a terrace or flat, nearly all get woken up by our neighbours occasionally. It’s part of life! And your sons have a right to make a bit of noise occasionally. It sounds as though you are a very conscientious and kind person and your anxiety over this issue has got a little out of proportion.

People who shout “shut the fuck up” through the wall at toddlers obviously are not very pleasant, tolerant, or wise about the realities of child rearing, so I wouldn’t take their view on things to be particularly balanced.

And the fact that your NDN had issues with the people who owned your house previously is a big clue that it’s them not you!

I would stand your ground. Still be considerate but make it clear that you won’t accept any nonsense from them. Be polite but try not to let this issue consume you. If you are anxious in other areas of your life then maybe get some help with that. Continue to be polite to your neighbours but be calmly assertive too. You and your family have a right to exist in the world!

The other thing I would do is sound proof all the adjoining walls. Do some research, put up cork tiles in between the wall and plasterboard or whatever is necessary (I have no clue!) but get some advice about this and do the work.

And then pray that your neighbours move out 😃