Cannot relax in my home - do I move? Help!!

[honeyandfizz]

Hi all I am looking for advice. I bought a mid terraced property 2 years ago after relocating to a place I adore, when I was buying it I had doubts about noise and neighbours and wish now i had listened to my gut feeling. I have completely renovated it and it is beautiful and in a lovely location, lots of period features and is warm and cozy. The problem I have is with the next door neighbours. I will caveat this by saying I am an anxious person in general and certain things trigger this like noise.

On one side of me i have a lovely single woman same age as me who I get on well with, she is out at work full time and i barely hear her. The other side (our lounges connect) is a couple in their mid 50s who have never had DC (saying this as it seems to have made them less tolerant). I have 2 dc one at Uni and DS who is 18. I never ever hear them but they have complained to me 3 times now about DS making noise.

The first time he was shouting at his computer on a Saturday lunchtime and more recently he twice had mates over until 3am whilst I was away. He had been told mates need to leave by 11pm but he did not obey me and quite rightly they complained, I was furious with DS who took them flowers round and apologised. I feel I am on constant tenterhooks and feel we have to tip toe around as not to disturb them. DS likes to play his guitar and music, always at a low volume when I am here as I make sure of it, he is a good kid, polite and kind.

The husband merrily told me they had fallen out with the previous owners of my house as they had 2 toddlers who were making toddler noise early mornings and they took to banging on the walls shouting 'shut the fuck up' at them. Sounds like things got heated and they didnt speak by the time previous owners moved out - NDN told me they opened champagne the day they left.

I have tried so hard to overcome my anxiety over us making noise but I can't, it consumes me even to the extent of shutting the wardrobe doors early in the morning. Do I have no option but to move? Had the house valued on Friday and it has gone up in value due to the work I have done, but gutted to have spent 50k on it and just not enjoy living here. Moving is such a painful, expensive mission but I wonder unless I was in a detached (which I cannot afford) will I ever be relaxed and do I just need to suck it up and learn to live with this knot inside me? I would have the option of a semi with halls dividing us so wonder if this could be a better option? TIA.

We had neighbours like this. Similar ages. Luckily their parents eventually passed away and left them lots of money so they moved! No doubt to a detached house. 😂

NTFT but it doesn’t sound like you’re in the wrong - it sounds like your neighbours are arseholes. I would use some of the money you would waste moving on therapy to work on your anxiety. Enjoy your beautiful home by realising you are not annoying people just by existing. It’ll be much more useful in the long run.

Thank you all very much for all your replies and I have read through them. DS absolutely was being unreasonable having mates over until 3am, I am not working away again now so it will not happen again but I have told him I cannot defend him if he is making noise after 10.30pm. They had every right to complain. The problem is very much my anxiety after the conversation about them hating the previous neighbours with kid noise. I overthink all the time and am on Citalopram for anxiety which has helped in other aspects of life but not with this horrible feeling of us not making noise. It is out of proportion to the reality but its the way I feel and I am struggling to shake it, I never ever feel relaxed here unlike my last house which was a 1930 semi with lots of neighbour noise.

They have actually mentioned that they would like to move but I think money is keeping them there from what I can gather - I would rather have kids making noise than the silent judgement that goes on now TBH.

Sorry name change fail!!

I’ve lived in a terraced house with paper thin walls.

Shouting at a computer and socialising til 3am is treating the neighbours with contempt, of course they complained. Playing musical instinctual / loud music is also disrespectful (unless you have similarly noisy neighbours), but simply isn’t done in terraces.

They do sound like dicks but your family are far from blameless here. I ge tthat you’re anxious but maybe you’d be less anxious if your son was more considerate?

You need to look into soundproofing a room and your DS can use that for his shouting and music.

Or you can move 🤷‍♀️ but no neighbour in the world is going to be happy with 3am shouting and electric guitar.

@Stardu Thanks for your input and I agree he was inconsiderate and so we both apologised. DS is mainly pretty quiet and 99% of the time I am here and he keeps the noise down. The issue isnt about blame, I certainly don't blame them for not wanting music at 3am or hearing a guitar (at no point did I say it was electric) I would not be happy either. Ds has moved his music and computer to the rear bedroom now away from the party wall so hopefully that should help things, he is not on it all the time as he is doing A-levels and he works. I think it is more about my anxiety and feeling of unease that they can hear us. I am totally willing to accept the blame that I made a huge mistake buying a terrace and either need to suck it up or look into moving asap, having tried to reign in the feeling of unease I just can't do it. Sounds bloody stupid when most people would just crack on but I can't.

They are never going to be happy with living in a terraced house, no matter who moves in, they need to suck it up. Try to deal with the thing you can change, which is your beliefs about the situation, rather than move. What is your fear?

To live in a terraced house you need to be both considerate and tolerant, and they sound neither.

Unless everyone lives in a detatched house, there will be neighbour noise to put up with, and even then the argument moves on to the height of the hedge at the edge of the large garden. An arsehole neighbour is an arsehole neighbour, no matter the living arrangement.

I had a similar experience with a neighbour who used to try and bully me and I would creep around. After she moved out my new neighbour told me after a couple of years in conversation that she couldn't really hear anything from me at all (I'd stopped creeping by then.) I'm sure there has been some noise but occasional noise is fine and she is sensible enough not to be bothered by it. I hardly hear her either, just some normal household stuff. I think it's reasonable for your neighbours to complain about 3am noise but not reasonable to complain about occasional noise during the day. You need to have more confidence in yourself and start to enjoy your house and your son.

@GoldDuster I think the fear is they can hear us and will hate us. The stupid bloody thing is they are always really nice to me and even in their message of complaint were apologetic for complaining, they also bring my wheelie bin back up the lane outside and leave it by my gate for me. Gah I know its me and this feeling I have - I have sought counselling before for anxiety and 99% of the time I function just fine but this is the one issue I cannot seem to overcome. My house is my sanctuary and I just do not feel I can fully relax here, this is on me though not them, I think this thread has taught me what i already knew.

I think your neighbours are being unreasonable. Why did they choose to buy a mid terrace house if they can't stand noise? What you mention just sounds like normal family living. I can understand them being a bit pissed off when your son had mates round until 3am, especially if the neighbours had work in the morning, but shouting at the computer is something most of us have done at some point.

If your neighbours hate noise so much, then they should soundproof their home. It's not fair of them to expect you to live like you are in the library.

It sounds like they have never complained about noise that you yourself make? Then you already know that your everyday noise is fine and you can carry on.

I think your neighbours are being reasonable- just 3 grumbles in all that time, and 2 of those from noise at 3 am isn't at all unreasonable- indeed, if they thought you were away, it might have been a warning you'd need to get that things were getting out of hand- a duty to you on their part, if anything. I think you are probably worrying more than you may need to- if you can't hear 'normal' noise from them, it's likely the same that they can't hear your 'normal' noise either- after all, they have never complained about anything else, have they? You say "The stupid bloody thing is they are always really nice to me and even in their message of complaint were apologetic for complaining, they also bring my wheelie bin back up the lane outside and leave it by my gate for me." and I think you're absolutely right. Might you be able to explain to them how you feel, say you're worried and nervous that you may be disturbing them, and ask if they can hear you- they may say, 'No, not at all' and then you might be able to relax?
We had a neighbour once do some 'mixing' for a DJ job unusually loud, we just mentioned that it had got through the wall at that point, he said sorry, and it never happened again- he just didn't realise what volume we could hear and what we couldn't, when he knew, he adjusted it and it was fine. (Or maybe he thought we were out that afternoon!) All was done and dusted, and no hard feelings at all. When people are reasonable, as your neighbours seem to be being with you, better communication is often the solution.

Interested to know what kind of noise was made at 3am when your DS had his mates over? If loud music, shouting and screaming, then a complaint was justified.

If it was just them talking and the sounds of them leaving the property, then it is totally unreasonable to expect that everyone goes to sleep at 11pm at night and you shouldn't hear a sound from neighbours at night when you live in a row of terraces.

If it WAS the latter and you sent your DS round with flowers to apologise, then you've made a rod for your own back unfortunately and they will complain about every little noise now they know you will accept their pettiness,

The fact this nasty little man boasted about bullying his previous neighbours tells it all. They probably moved because of him.

Stop creeping around. Your poor DS shouldn't feel bad about not moving out and going off to Uni because his mum wants him out so the neighbours don't make stupid complaints about him! That's awful.

If they complain again, tell them you feel like they are harassing you and will start logging it with the police.

I’m surprised at these responses, normally if someone posts and says next door playing loud music till 3 am there would be an outcry. Now people are posting it’s normal family noise? Wtf?

and I think I remember a previous thread you wrote about this, he didn’t just one off shout at his computer, did he op, was he not gaming and shouting with the windows open repeatedly . So eventually they complained?

I can’t see how this means you need to move. Or how they are bullying you as someone suggested or they are in some way at fault. They even let the first 3am go and said nothing, it was only the second time straight after they complained. And did so apologetically.

I do think this is partly down to your anxiety, they’ve never ever complained about normal noise, like wardrobes shutting. You’ve no idea what was going on with the last owners.

im a little bemused by the thread and some of the responses

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to complain about the two noisy gatherings at 3.am. And shouting at your computer is stupidly aggressive. Do women ever do this other than an occasional one-off frustrated comment? I don’t think so.

I can’t see any reason to be on tenterhooks about normal daily noise, because they have not complained about that.

It won’t do your son any harm to be reminded to be considerate of others.

They live in a terrace so need to expect noise.

They live in a terrace so need to expect noise

Not at 3.00 am and not prolonged aggressive shouting.

These people are not cunts and arseholes FFS. They justifiably let you know on the second occasion that week at 3am. Presumably they knew an 18 year old was home alone and you might appreciate the heads up.

This is your problem, not theirs.

We lived next door to a dominate man who liked to come over to complain.

It put me on tenterhooks so I totally understand how you feel op, especially given you are single.

Unfortunately, you could move and end up next door to an even worse person so definitely stay put.

Tell ds that he doesn't need to creep around but you need his help not to give the NDN any excuse to call round.

If he does come round complaining again, work on not allowing his words in. Imagine a Teflon coating all around you which means his words can't get in.

Thank him for his feedback, say you are sorry he has been upset and wish him well.

Then come inside and force yourself to think about something else.

He will just be someone who enjoys a good moan.

You seem to be making a lot of unnecessary drama about this? They complained about noise at 3am, so instead of telling your ds to keep it down you're planning to sell up and move?

These people are not cunts and arseholes FFS. They justifiably let you know on the second occasion that week at 3am. Presumably they knew an 18 year old was home alone and you might appreciate the heads up.
This is your problem, not theirs.

This^

There's quite a lot more to this isn't there ? People only complain about neighbours' noise when they are at the end of their tether with it, i.e. they're done with patient and are pissed off with THEIR quality of life being affected by shitty noisy neighbours.

Oh, and calling someone an arsehole because they matched the volume by shouting shut the fuck up of the crying yelling screaming screeching baby at all hours leaves me speechless.

Parentism at it's finest.

Why do people not understand it's only the parents that enjoy the soothing melody of a crying screeching baby ? To anybody else, it's noise torture. Designed to take someone to their psychological breaking point. Especially by repetition.

They’re being ridiculous, they sound like the neighbours 2 doors down from me who are completely intolerant of any noise. They live in a terrace, hearing the neighbours comes with the territory. As long as you are thoughtful (not blasting tv, asking son to play guitar quietly) and it sounds like you are then that is enough. You are allowed to live in your house and enjoy it.

It’s not ridiculous to complain about 3am parties. They didn’t even complain about the first one

You say they're lovely neighbours and they've only complained about teens partying at 3am and your son shouting while gaming. Obviously normal noise doesn't bother them so there's no need for you to tiptoe.

I wouldn't move because you might end up with much worse neighbours and this seems like it's an anxiety issue more than a neighbour issue.

Your son apologised and it sounds like they accepted it so there's no need to dwell on it. Obviously anxiety doesn't always make sense but you're fixated on a situation that has already been resolved successfully. I would be patting myself on the back if I got out of the same situation still on good terms with the neighbours.

Isn’t it cheaper and easier and wiser to seek help for your anxiety?

You did mess up buying a terraced house when you know that you get extreme anxiety about bothering neighbours. I mean, there’s almost nothing worse you could have done! Even in a flat you can put carpeting down. Nothing you can do in a terraced home!

I don’t really see what this thread is for. Either fix your anxiety, or move. There’s nothing you can do about the neighbours you’ve got (who, as it happens, sound pretty reasonable to me).