Help me with my abusive neighbour. I can't live like this anymore.

[Ivyruin]

I really need help because I can't deal with this anymore. It's making me anxious and sick. I am a 29-year-old woman with 2 children.

My next-door neighbour moved in 3 years ago and was fine for the first year, but for the last 2 years, has made my life hell. I have lived here for 9 years and never had any issues.

They are possibly in their 40s with an 8-year-old child. I think. They don't work but the wife has always been polite to me. I don't know if she knows what her husband is doing.

The man has been to my home, banging on my door, shouting and threatening me. Telling my children to shut up and that he hears them all day. I have a full-time job and I am out of my house from 07:30 am to 18:00 pm. My 8-year-old is in clubs, and my 13-year-old goes home at 3 pm. They stay with their father at weekends. I tried to explain to him that's it's not my children as we are not here, but he won't have any of it. I called the police, and they came as they were concerned due to his threatening behaviour. They went next door and proved my children were not home and I work all day. He didn't have none of it, and this has just continued. The next day, I had my car tyre slashed. He waits till I get home and starts knocking on my door. He's threatening me with the council, some noise boards and environmental agency. My children can't go play in the garden as he shouts at them to shut up. We can't do anything in our home.

He's posting letters through my door saying he can now hear my dog; this is just another thing for him to bully me for. I have a dog walker, and I go home on my breaks as I work round the corner. He is roughly alone for 2 hours! I asked my other neighbour and she didn't hear anything from my dog. For context, we live in terraced houses, and the walls are paper thin. I can hear them argue, but I don't say nothing because I know how thin these walls are.

He turned up at my door on Saturday. My 12-year-old answered, and he started shouting at her to shut the fucking dog up. She was shaken and scared. I've come home today to yet another letter through my door. Threatening with agency's again saying my dog was barking all day! This is a lie as my dog was at a friend's house! I have had my dog for over a year and only now has it become an issue. I just can't deal with this anymore. I avoid coming home till dark, I feel sick and anxious at home. My children are scared to do anything, and now I can't even let my children play with their dog or play music.

What can I do about this? The police only seem to make him back off for a few weeks, then he's back at it again. He is a nasty bully and I know if I was a man, he wouldn't think twice about doing this.

It's just hugely affecting me now. I really need help on what I can do. Moving is not an option as I can't afford it right now. I have absolutely no idea what I have done to make this man like this. I just wish someone could make it stop.

I had a neighbour like this, except she was a woman.

Came round screaming that my dog barked all the time and she reported me to the RSPCA, guide dogs and environmental health. She even lobbied to guide dogs to try to have my dog taken away from me.

Like you I used to hear her and her daughter arguing constantly. The daughter had some disabilities, but the way her mother talked to her was appalling. Also, their dog barked constantly, it was a GSD who could only be walked, muzzled, at night, and in the day if they had visitors it would have to be shut outside because it was so aggressive.

Anyway one day I arrived home and she was waiting for me, started screaming about how my dog had been barking all morning, about how all the neighbours had come to her on mass wanting her to do something about me and what was she supposed to do.

it so happened I was recording a voice message to someone as I walked home so I left the recording running, and as she finished her little tirade, I said “just so you’re aware, I’ve recorded this, and I’ll be going to the police to speak to them about harassment. She ran screaming into her house and never spoke to me again.

Ironically about a year later her daughter came round and asked if they could cut my grass out the front. I said crack on and asked if they wanted me to pay towards it (they’d hired someone to cut theirs,) but she said no. Thought it was odd, until about 3 days later I came out of my house and saw an estate agent taking pictures.

They sold the house and the people who moved in said they left the place in a hell of a state, and had lied about multiple things to the extent they took them to court over it and got some money back.

The people who live there now are lovely.

I would say record, record, record everything you can, video, voice notes on your phone, anything. And keep it all as evidence, as well as the letters he puts through your door.

A colleague of mine had a camera set up with an app she could check on her dog while she was at work. Maybe you can use that to capture his behaviour

Oh, and turned out she’d fallen out with all the neighbours already so when I moved in I was fresh bate.

But yeah, if you have 7 brothers I’d be inclined to send them round for a visit.

How awful. Getting a ring doorbell is a good idea as others have said.

Neighbours can be weird. My neighbour used to tell me every single day that my dog barked all day long while I was at work. The dog did not bark AT ALL as I have a doggy camera and it is motion and sound activated and comes up on my mobile phone.

When she complained I just said "oh right, really, that's not like her" then after about a year I said "Its so strange that you keep telling me this as I have a motion and sound camera and not once has it gone off whilst I have been out" She has NEVER uttered a single word to me since!

So many MNers are complicating thus.

Sexism is shit and women should be independent, but unfortunately this sub-human man doesn't understand that, so speak to him in language he does understand.

As many brothers as you can muster up to go round at once, inform him there are 7 of them, and if ypuvhwar so much as a peep out of him in the future all 7 will be round to beat the shit out of him.

He doesn't deserve politeness and will view it as weakness. He needs to be scared of the repercussions of talking to you.

To be fair the politeness approach might work, but he needs to be left in no doubt that the consequence of shouting at you again will be bad for him.

You can get one of the brothers to covertly record what was said so on the off-chance he is cowardly enough to report the visit to the police himself, you have evidence it wasn't too much

In regards to the shop, it's a man who runs it and next door have never mentioned the noise to them. I actually try to park my car outside the shop as the owner told me he will keep the camera on my car.

I do believe he thinks I'm vulnerable because I'm a young woman living alone but I'm far from it. But there's no way I'm risking him attacking me or any of my children if i confront him. He looks mentally unwell as when he starts shouting, his eyes go really wide and he's erratic, I hope that makes sense. He genuinely wants me to live in silence, and my dog isn't allowed to bark or be a dog even.

I forgot to mention that he emailed my employer, too. Luckily, I'm in a senior position, and I know my bosses, so it didn't have any effect. I gave this to the police, too. The police are just reluctant to help me. I'm waiting for 30 minutes to get through to them when I call. I'm off work today, so I want to hopefully get this dealt with.

I will send my brothers round for a polite chat and make sure they record the situation so he doesn't lie.

I've kept the letters, the last one was a threat about my dog and the environmental agency. I have no idea who they are to be honest. I've got my neighbour as at witness and I've got a couple pictures. When the cameras are fitted, I hope they catch him properly. I've also kept the receipts from the garage when my tyres were slashed. I just have no idea what he will do next.

I do have a partner but he has not met my children yet so haven't let him stay over. I am thinking about letting him now though.

I have a bullying neighbour who picks on me, a solo woman, but would never bother a man.

Is it possible for your brother to stay more frequently?

I'd whip out my phone and video him any time he confronts me. My belligerent one really backed off when I put webcams in several windows.

@Ivyruin

Luckily I don't claim any benefits so I don't think he can do anything in that sense?

My brothers are round at the end of the month so I will be telling then to go round if he is still doing it. The police stated that cause he hasn't harmed me, they can't do anything apart from go round. So he's basically has got to assault me or worse, before anything is done. We are going into the police station today and I'm hoping they listen!

He tried to speak to me this morning and I just got into my car and took a picture of him at my house. Then logged it online again with police.

The other side of his house is a building shop! Who cut wood and make noises so. The door has a bell everytime you open it and it's a busy shop. So, it's clear he's just targeting me. I never let the kids father go round as I didn't want him getting into trouble but I'm willing to try anything now as I shouldn't be forced out of my home. I think they may own their house so I don't know if that changes anything.

Cameras will be here at some point today, so they will be done at the weekend. I'm just worried that my daughter comes home from school alone; she is scared of him. I'm going to speak to my older neighbour today and ask if my daughter can sit with her after school - she can make a decent coffee

I want to say thank you to every poster though. Its made me feel alot better and less anxious. I just can't believe it. I'm usually not phased by much at all but this has knocked me and affected me over time. I just hope one day he gets the same treatment or when I move out, some muscle man moves in who loves to party ha

Hi Op. not going to disagree with everyone who has said to keep meticulous records. But I wanted to throw a suggestion for why he may be doing this and for you maybe to try to talk to his wife My exh had severe and enduring mental health issues. Amounts to other symptoms he was “hearing voices” and had delusions (paranoid of nature). For a whole year at one point he believed (well he actually “knew” as had no ability to realise it was delusional) that the neighbours were drug dealers and intent on attacking him and our home. He “heard” the neighbours all the time - even inside our house with doors and windows closed - despite ours being detached and about 12 foot of empty space between each house. He even recorded these conversations and used to play them back to me (they were just distant neighbours noise but he would be telling me what they were saying during that playback in alignment with his delusions). With audio hallucinations the individual can’t physically distinguish between their “inner” voice and external noises. Brain processes both stimuli n exactly same part of brain which it shouldn’t ) Their paranoid thought become actual noises- despite it being completely bizarre for them to be hearing that at the time. Much of the way you describe him hearing stuff whilst you are not in, and the level of aggression rang very familiar to me. Especially bit about there actually being more noise form builders year on other side) it sounds very familiarly bizarre. Just like my ex behaved. I eventually managed to get him to a doctors and he was diagnosed and prescribed antipsychotics. That controlled the voices and delusions quite a lot and stopped him having these sort of extreme delusions. Can you go and talk to his wife- find a time when he isn’t there . Ask her if she knows what is happening, ask her if she knows why it is happening as he is complaining about noises that simply aren’t happening and some of things he is saying to have heard are bizarre. See if she volunteers any information. Make sure she is clear that you are going to keep contacting the police. If she “backs him” and starts to get nasty then of course walk right out . But iF it is needed mental health issues she may be fully aware, not wanting to get involved because she there is virtually nothing she can do (ie he won’t go to doctors) and she is herself scared, fearful and unhappy. That would allow you to go to the police and let them know why it is happening. I don’t think a non molestation order will help in these cases to prevent it- that won’t stop the delusions but it will lead down the path to getting him psychiatric intervention if he is arrested for breaking it. Just a thought….

@BornBlonde Do you really need a sticker if you have cameras? I think everyone on my street has had them put in, and no one has a sticker, so it looks very like nobody actually bothers (which is not to say one shouldn’t, just why I’m surprised)

I think he’s probably a misogynistic abuser. My guess (which is clearing a very large conclusion from a standing start) is that he is abusing his wife, and is deeply invested in her not seeing real life examples of women who have left less than satisfactory relationships. You might give her ideas above his station! By simply existing as a single woman on his doorstep, you threaten his status quo. I’ve met a few men like this (and many who are not) and I won’t have anything to do with them. I do make sure their wives know my door is always open, and
Their children see my life rocking along nicely without a man. That’s all I need to sleep at night, and is probably the worst thing I can do to them anyway, as that’s what their problem is with. The best revenge is a life well lived.

Get a camera, with sound, that records IN your house 24 hours a day. Put it somewhere un-intrusive, like the front hall or landing, and leave it on. Whenever he complains, send the footage of the relevant period to the police, along with the footage of him complaining and being abusive. They have proof his ranting is unsubstantiated, then.

What do the people on his other side think? Are they having problems? Maybe you could find an ally?

I would concentrate on making sure you have evidence. No one can really help you when it’s your word against his. And then I would ask your brothers to go round and have a chat about neighbours and what’s considered polite. Just a chat. He’s a bully, and you’re standing up to him and his ilk just by being there, but you can show him you have support and power he does respect, too. And then I would bombard his house with flyers and cards and collections and letters for domestic abuse support and charities. He’ll take it out on the wife, so it’ll give her some avenues if that’s his thing and annoy the hell out of him if it isn’t.

Sorry should add. If it is because he has a psychotic illness, where he has auditory hallucinations, then nothing you do in terms of trying to be quieter or adjusting your behaviour will help at all. The noises are inside his head not from you. So just crack on with normal noise and don’t try to change anything, don’t give it any more thought to adjust.

Engaging with him will add fuel to the delusions. It is better to ignore him and not respond to him at all. Now you’ve got the cameras don’t answer the door. Try not to go outside when he can approach you. If you bump into hi, just say something non emotional in response to his abuse, ignoring what he is saying, along lines of a chirpy hello, then walk away. Don’t get other people to talk with him- again that will just add fuel the delusions.

@MayMorris That's how he sounds! My landlord said maybe he is hearing voices. He is never out of that house, none of them are unless its to take the child to school or to knock on my door. The first time he came round, he just kept repeating "shut your fucking kids up" " I can hear them all fucking day" he just kept repeating it while waving his arms around and his head was like shaking. I though he would attack me. It was bizarre.

@Hellorhighwater I think you may be right. I have a decent job in a male dominated field and I've always been fiercely independent. So that could possibly be what is happening here. I hope she does find the strength and leaves his abusive arse. I cant imagine it being a happy home. The one thing I find extremely strange is, he knows my name. I have no idea how? I don't have social media so I don't know how he knows.

We are at the police station now so I will update how it goes!

This is awful...i would be tempted to lie to the police and say he took a swing at you...just to get them to do something.

@myusernamewastakenbyme

This is awful...i would be tempted to lie to the police and say he took a swing at you...just to get them to do something.

Don't lie as advised here.

Police are utterly useless.

I gave them all my crime ref numbers, and they said 6 of them don't exist? How is this possible when I have the submission emails? I'm guessing nobody has bothered to look at them. I even showed them proof of all the calls made to 101.

Basically, because he has not done anything to me physically or damaged my property with proof, they can't do anything. So this man can continue to bully and threaten me and my children, make us live in fear at home, with no consequences. My brother lost his shit at them and said does he have to kill me or something for them to do something!" I've been told to move home instead. So I'll have to uproot my children from schools and friends if I can't find a home in this area. They wonder why victims of abuse do not speak up, its because they don't get support.

He was waiting for me yet again when I pulled up in my car, what he didn't know was that the van in front was my brother. So my brother got out and told him who he was and asked for a word, and he ran off into his house like a little coward. I also tested it today and left my dog with the dog camera (thank you to whoever recommended it, it's amazing), and my dog did not make a sound.

Guess I'll just wait for him to report me to environmental health and social services, hopefully they take the evidence I have and help me.

Right now, I'm going to find another rental for a year and have some quiet for a year before I buy.

Yes I knew they couldn't do anything without evidence

Probably a lot of people who post on these threads haven't been in this position

There's limited things the police can do without evidence unfortunately
Which is why it's up to the victim to get cameras and take videos etc. Sad but true

(And yes I have been reported to environmental health and social services several times by mine. Each of those reports included a lie by them)

Ps It's still worth logging things without evidence even if they can't do anything. It always builds up a bigger picture and there's always the possibility he might admit to stuff in any future interviews
And it's there on record so the police know what he's like if he does anything to anyone else

He is clearly harassing you. Contacting your work and laying in wait for you to come home, is stalking too. It may not be physical violence but it is definitely emotional abuse.

Get you MP involved.

This is how women die, when police take no action.

Hope you get your camera's sorted today.

I know you shouldn't have to, but I would definitely move.

@curlywurlyontoast....have you just read her update....the police wont do anything until he hurts her....sometimes you have to fight fire with fire...this man is a lunatic and could really hurt Op.

OP I would make a complaint to the Police about the inaction. It is harassment and harassment is illegal.

Police are obliged to take anti-social behaviour seriously since a mother killed herself and her disabled daughter after receiving harassment from neighbours that Police ignored.

Make sure you get a reference number each time you log something with the Police to make sure that a) it has actually been recorded and b) the Police can find it again if you need them to bring up old reports.

Do you think this man could be unwell? If he is hearing voices from your home when you aren't there...?!

I've just had a really lovely couple of police women come round. I didnt know they was coming so was unexpected! They have placed a harrassment public order on my daughter incase he tries to harrass her in the street. They have passed the case through to the escalations department so they can review his escalation in behaviour. They are going round to speak to him again. They have put a case up for criminal damage, harrassment and a public order for me and my children. They also apologised for nothing being done today. They also played with my dog and made him happy bark, just for next door. I know have a case that will stay open, so every time I report it, it will be under the same case number.

Op, I had neighbours doing this (till i moved my 6 ft highland beast of a boyfriend in....) claiming my dog barked at times I was out. I got a nooie360 cam on amazon which has noise notifications. Shes not silent by any means - has a wee woof when the walker arrives or when the postman comes but it's certainly not constant as he claimed. In the end I didnt have to use the evidence of the noise notifications because it turns out he's scared of my now husband but it gave me peace of mind. He now also loves the dog....

Wells seeing it was female officers ....

send in the seven brothers. Cannot believe you haven't after all this time. Your poor soul- you must've normalised it.
Wee shitebag.

@Londoncallingtothefarawaytowns

Wells seeing it was female officers ....

send in the seven brothers. Cannot believe you haven't after all this time. Your poor soul- you must've normalised it.
Wee shitebag.

My brother went to approach him before and he ran away into his house! These women where domestic violence officers, so I think they know the signs of how this can go. I had to call again after school run as he was waiting outside again. It's horrendous.