Depression after moving house

[shoopashoop]

Sorry to post about this again but I’m really struggling. Has anyone felt this?
We moved 10 days ago and I really regret it. 17 miles away from our lovely area, friends, family, work. Because there was nothing on the market and we had already lost out on 3 houses.
I have 2 DCs, one 7 months old and we were in a 2 bed terrace with the kitchen in the basement, and we were desperate. Needed to nail down somewhere before school application. All these valid reasons, and we’re now in a beautiful 3 bed, twice the size with an enormous garden. But I am miserable. I wish we’d have stayed. I wanted to pull out the week before but thought it was my PND talking and trusted everyone telling me it would be the right thing.
My DD has started at a nursery school and I feel like we are now stranded and trapped here. I can’t get it out of my head that we should have held out longer for somewhere and I’m still on Rightmove every day torturing myself. I don’t think it helps having viewed the house in summer, but now everything looks so depressing.

I’m waiting for counselling. But what should I do?

p.a I know this warrants comments of how stupid I have been, but please be kind.

You are just feeling the emotions of a move.
It will get better and you will make new friends, give it time .
17 miles is no distance , you can still visit your old friends for a morning or afternoon - meet in the middle etc.

Sympathy OP. You have only been there 10 days though - you need to give it time. Are you unpacked? Have you got any plans to decorate and make the space feel like your own?

Sunnier days are not far off and perhaps you will feel better when you can use the garden more etc.

Can you pin down exactly what it is that’s worrying you the most? What you think you’ve lost now or would have gained by staying? If you can get into it a bit more it might help with suggestions.
I don’t think you’ve been stupid at all. But you will need to find some coping strategies, at least in the short term, while you wait for more help. I’d delete right move for starters.
Very few decisions are truly irreversible. You can move again, it’s just not going to happen over night. Sending a big hug.

Honestly, you need to give it time. Commit to giving it 12 months and then see where you are at.
If you’re not happy then, make a move before primary school.

We relocated from the north of England where the beach was at the end of my road, to an extremely industrial Midlands town and the first night I arrived I absolutely sobbed into my pillow so that the children wouldn’t hear. It actually hasn’t got better I’ll be really honest with you but it’s tolerable if that makes sense and nothing is forever so maybe this is just where you’re meant to be for now ?

Sorry to hear you are still feeling miserable. Have you been to the GP?
You seem to be longing after an option that never actually existed. You couldn't afford the house you need in the area you want. If this magical property existed you'd have bought it by now. What compromise would have been better? On a very busy road, power line in the garden, next to a very run down house, living in a wreck with two small kids? You'd have catastrophise all those too.
We have to do things in life for the greater good and to move forward.
Your house although you loved it was completely unsuitable for your growing family. This one sounds lovely.
Without meaning to be mean, your own attitude is now preventing you from moving on. If the area really isn't right then make a plan. How can you add as much value as possible to what you have now or up your income in the next year or so?
It sounds like the stress of the move has battered your mental health. Start working to improve that and look at it as a temporary step if it helps. I agree with setting a deadline of a year and then reviewing your options so it seems less permanent.
On a practical level, look into where you can meet friends in between the two places. It would only be a 15 minute trip for either of you. Your reaction to such a low distance move seems disproportionate and I think you need some proper help

Give it some time, it sounds like a lovely house, you might just need some time to settle and make it your own :) Maybe look at some decorating magazines and pick out some paint colours and start making it feel more like home and see if that helps? You definitely haven't been stupid buying the house, you've been brave and taken a risk and tried somewhere new! That's a great thing to do, and you never know unless you try, I think it'll work out fine :)

Oh, I felt exactly like this. We went from just by a high street to a quiet estate type area. I really hated it at first, like felt desperate to somehow un-do the move. Didn’t help that the people we bought from were arseholes and took every single bit of carpet/fitting we hadn’t paid extra for so it looked awful. I now quite like it, but it doesn’t feel like my place and I know I will move again when I can. The only things that helped me were time, decorating and gardening.

My advice would be to consider that many people are in a much less fortunate position than you are in so maybe it’s time to stop obsessing over something you can’t change for now. Many people are forced to live much further away from family than 17 miles and live in poor conditions too. Try to count your blessings for the sake of your children, husband and your own mental health. I know you won’t take this advice but you are really just feeding your own anxieties at this stage without it appears even trying to appreciate the many positives in your situation.

Try not to dwell on the past. I remember reading that is a mistake won't be remembered in 5 years then it's not a mistake. At the time I thought I would care, but 5 years on I am much better. This does not have to be your forever home. Also, with kids, work on then getting excited and I can guarantee it will rub off on you if they become happy with the house

First, delete the Rightmove app. Looking at that won't help at all. You will settle where you are because you will have children at a local school, and that is the easiest way to make friends, for all of you. I live in a less than salubrious place and never thought I'd be housing my children here, but I haven't been able to afford to move, but I've learnt so much about the area from other parents and all the stuff the kids get involved with at school etc. It will be ok - the house sounds lovely!

17 miles is no distance! You can pop over and see people whenever you want! Try to focus on the positives and the reason why you bought the house and make plans for the fun you'll have in the garden.
Then make plans for how you're going to visit everyone whenever you want, so you can make your new life work for you.
Do you not drive?

If you want to move, then just move.

Your children are still small and you can still move without so much worry of new school and new friends and new beginnings and such.

I’m not understanding why schooling is a big concern when they are so young? There’s good schools everywhere

Give it time the house sounds like it’s worth it and hopefully you’ll settle.

Regarding the distance, 17 miles is not that far, my ds goes further than that to his school each day x

It's probably just the emotions of the move. We moved a year ago and I still hate my new house, but I definitely hate it much less than I did a year ago.
We only moved because we had a neighbour who was a massive twat. We've gained a little space but you sound like you've made a good choice with your move. It does take time for your emotions to settle and to realise you haven't made a mistake.

Give it time op. I cried the first night in my house and said I wanted to go home .

But once spring/summer came and we could use the better garden and we sorted out the storage issues it was fine.

Give yourself a break and start planning what you'll be able to do in the summer. And 17 miles is t that far - friends will be able to visit.

Relax. Moving house is hugely stressful; up there with bereavement and divorce. Your low (oh no why did I " feelings are very very common in the period immediately after. BTDTGTTS.. several times.

When you find your feet you'll soon feel much better. Meanwhile just be kind to yourself, don't get overtired , let go the redecoration/curtains/unpacking/sorting . Make your new bedroom as homely and familiar as possible , once you start sleeping soundly
every night things will soon improve. Get out on foot and start exploring your new location.

I read your previous post and remember it.

Moving is stressful and 10 days is nothing. It depends how you feel after 10 months. It’s all new at the moment and doesn’t feel your home yet. But in time it will.

Remember all the reasons for the move in the first place and focus on the space and the fact you had outgrown your previous 2 bedroom house. You are looking back with rose tinted glasses at present. Your previous house wasn’t perfect but it was your home that you were used to. This one will become safe and secure in your head but you have to give it time.

Focus on the positive side and there are many positives to focus on but it’s the change that’s unsettling but in time your new house and different location will become your new normal.

But you must stop the right move habit it’s just unsettling you further and what’s the point of looking at it at the moment. Look up other things that you were doing. New activities, new groups, local attractions, walks etc. focus on these instead.

Change is scary. But staying stuck in a rut and the past wouldn’t have helped you grow as a family. You can do this but only if you make a concerted effort to try and settle into your new bigger house which sounds a much better environment for your growing family.

Every time you think of negatives match it with a good thing about the move and realistically remember there would have been many many negatives about staying in your old house as it was too small and had become unsuitable for your life stage. We all move through different life stages and this is one that you can navigate but you will take time to adjust.

I moved into our new home when dd1 was 4 days old.

We had bought and I felt so trapped! It took me a year to really settle. My family lived in another country and I was beside myself, crying daily.

I eventually got over it and it turned out to be a great house for us. But I do know how you're feeling

I told myself we'd stay one year, then we would sell and move home. When the year was up I thought I could stay maybe another year, and kept saying that until it was nearly 8 years.

You are not trapped there forever, you can move anytime.

Sorry for the late reply. I have read and appreciate all your responses. Helpful to know people have felt the same. Hoping for brighter weather soon as it is utterly miserable here again today!
@BootsScootsAndToots I couldn’t imagine moving with a 4 day old! So glad things are better for you now.

It's often said on many of the property forums that people feel relieved when they finally stop the obsessive Rightmove checking. Why not replace your RightMove habit with a Pintrest/Instagram/similar habit? Use it to start building up ideas on how to make your new place feel more 'you'. Then you'll be happier inviting friends and family over. Meeting up away from the house is also much easier than it was 18-20 months ago!

If you have DIY/gardening skills get on with making a few improvements yourself. Don't underestimate the power of physical exercise. A bit of digging over flower beds/ rollering paint onto walls/ceilings or even a fact-finding stroll around your new area should all help to boost your endorphins.

If you've got understanding/handy family and friends, see if they'd like to visit for a painting party/ similar. If not, make a plan to have a lovely party once you've got the house 'presentable'- something to look forward to.

Definitely, have that little line in the sand, see how you feel in a year's time. You wouldn't have bought the house if there wasn't something about it you loved. But as PP have mentioned, if you've made improvements you get two benefits a) It's more an expression of what you wanted, so you feel more like your living in your home rather than somebody else's. b) You should have added value to the property, so if you do decide to sell later on, it won't necessarily have such a big financial impact.

Hi op,

Sorry you are still suffering. I think because the feelings are not going away, you should take the pressure off the situation and yourself.

Maybe try the following:

• Conclude that you don't need to like the area because if you still feel as unhappy in a year, then you will start the process to move back.

• apply to local schools but tell yourself that you can move your child if you need to. Young kids move effortlessly in the early years

• Stop looking at RM. You have to stick in the house for 12 months, then you can reinstall it. There is nothing on the market still as these are crazy times.

Don't 'try' and like the area but every time the fear and anxiety rises about where you live, remind yourself that you and your children are safe and in a good house. Nothing bad has happened and it isn't irreversible.

Try and find something else to obsess/think about. I use Pinterest and eBay for this! I search for obscure items (current displacement activity is looking for a rare alarm clock from the 50s).

• if you're not already on it, try medication for anxiety. I've been on it for four years and have had no side affects/haven't grown an extra head

Hey OP - I remember your previous thread very well. I commented last time to say we're house hunting and I am extremely anxious too as I don't cope well with change.

I get it, I really do. But I think in reality you would have felt like this about any move. You loved your previous neighbours and your area, but the house was too small. You couldn't have stayed - but there's nothing that would have been an acceptable replacement for that familiarity.

Gently, gently. Over time this house will start to feel more "yours". It's such early days.

When I get anxious, I remember reading a thing that said "you have everything you need right there". You have your family with you. Just refocusing on the important things. Don't allow yourself to dwell. It's so easy to get sucked back in when you're feeling insecure and anxious.

You need to make this house feel exciting. Warmer weather and brighter days will help SO much. In the meantime, great advice re ditching RM and replacing it with Pinterest. Throw that house hunting energy into creating a really special space.

And set a time limit. If in say, 18 months, you still desperately unhappy then you can move again. Your child will absolutely be fine to move at that age, they're incredibly resilient and lots of DC move schools etc when they're very young with zero lasting effects.

Give yourself and the house time. After a summer spent enjoying your new, beautiful garden and exploring the area you could feel very differently.

You're just missing the familiarity. Nothing more. You've got this.

@SpidersAreShitheads thanks for coming back.

Apologies for late reply all. I had a good weekend but have struggled the last couple of days. Put off replying as you are all giving such good advice and are making sense but I just can’t help this ‘off’ feeling about the area.