Depression after moving house

[shoopashoop]

Sorry to post about this again but I’m really struggling. Has anyone felt this?
We moved 10 days ago and I really regret it. 17 miles away from our lovely area, friends, family, work. Because there was nothing on the market and we had already lost out on 3 houses.
I have 2 DCs, one 7 months old and we were in a 2 bed terrace with the kitchen in the basement, and we were desperate. Needed to nail down somewhere before school application. All these valid reasons, and we’re now in a beautiful 3 bed, twice the size with an enormous garden. But I am miserable. I wish we’d have stayed. I wanted to pull out the week before but thought it was my PND talking and trusted everyone telling me it would be the right thing.
My DD has started at a nursery school and I feel like we are now stranded and trapped here. I can’t get it out of my head that we should have held out longer for somewhere and I’m still on Rightmove every day torturing myself. I don’t think it helps having viewed the house in summer, but now everything looks so depressing.

I’m waiting for counselling. But what should I do?

Have you had a name change issue? Just in case you changed for privacy.
It’s not going to change overnight as the move is still fresh. You will get there or you’ll get a new plan which enables you to move on from this house. Keep at it, you’re doing really well.

Moves are tricky. You just need to give it time. I really didn’t want to leave our old house and had doubts despite staying in the same town but we’ve settled into our house now. Once you get out into the area and explore you’ll hopefully start to settle in a bit more.

Ooos yes but nevermind.
I have been out but I don’t like the area. It doesn’t feel as safe/quiet as our last one. There was a lovely community feel where we were and I don’t sense that here. I know it’s still early days but honestly I can’t see me liking it. I feel like such an idiot. I am going to the docs tomorrow as struggling to cope.

@shoopashoop. Perfectly normal emotional turmoil after a move I was in pieces after leaving my 2.5 bed semi for a detached house twice the size - because I had roots in the other house, and it was where I'd taken my babies home too ect.

You need to give it time, remind yourself each day of all the benefits of your new home. Hopefully Spring will be warm so you can start enjoying that garden. You'll be fine

@DoubleTweenQueen thank you. Did you change area? We have done this and I can’t help feeling like it was a mistake and we should have held out in the area we were in. I know there is nothing I can do about it now. But I don’t even want to do anything to the house as I hate it here.

It’s all the more difficult as between offering on this house and moving in there was nothing coming up in the market l, so I was feeling vindicated that it was the right decision. Now more and more is coming up and I feel sick that we should have waited. The thing with that is we needed to know where we would be for school application.
Eurgh I’m just going round in circles. I feel awful for my children that we have brought them here

We moved about four years ago from one city to another. I had a two year old and another on the way at the time, and I remember feeling very isolated and quite down when we moved; there was quite a bit to do to make the house feel homely, we didn't know where anything was locally, we moved in winter and it rained a lot, and I felt quite overwhelmed trying to get practical things sorted out etc. It does take time - I bet it feels like an alien place to you at the moment.

I don't know if you feel able to do this, but the two positive things you can do are to start making your house your own, and to start really getting to know your area. It's really hard at the beginning to do that, because you have to do all the hard work finding things, and making connections. Try and break it down: put a picture up, unpack a box, find a park with good swings, find a nice cafe - keep it simple. If you can, stay away from Rightmove - it's not helping.

This is all easy to say, and much harder to do when you're really feeling down. Do you know how long it might take for counselling to be available?

Thank you @Frescoed how are you feeling now?
I need to hear some positive stories from people who have done the same.
I can access counselling straight away on the phone (through work) it is just finding an opportunity when I am child free which is very rare. I am lucky if I get time for a bath at the moment.
I know I sound very woe is me! And should be feeling lucky that we have a lovely house in this current market, but I just don’t

Hi @shoopashoop, I remember your last thread I'm sorry you're not feeling better.

Would it be helpful to think of it as a year's trial for this house and area? Like watch Love It or List It and think about what Phil and Kirsty would say about the house and decide that after a certain date you're going to decide to stay or sell?

I hope you can get proper counselling soon but a little thought experiment might help until then.

OP I feel for you. We moved 5 years ago for almost identical reasons, I was pregnant and we felt pressured and rushed and could barely afford anything. With the pressure of needing to secure the mortgage before the baby came and also the deadline of school application for my eldest. I regretted it the I stand we opened the new front door. I don't like the area. We moved because we desperately needed more space and this is all we could afford.

5 years on we have made the best of it and come to realise how lucky we are to have a house and garden rather than being stuck in a. Flat during covid lockdowns. I still don't like the area if I am honest. But we have been careful in how we have spent money on the house (general things to make it more presentable rather than specific things to our taste) and are planning to move again in the next 2/3 years.

I still miss our old house and wish we lived there but it was bigger. I still feel that we made a mistake. But nothing is forever and it would have been a bigger mistake to not have moved, or to sell the house on straight after buying it. It's gone up in value and we have learnt a lot about what we want from our next house, what matters most about location.

It made me sad and low for a couple of years though and while it's not the end of the world it is a big and expensive thing to change.

Can you find some things that do work for you about the area and make maybe both a short term plan and a long term plan? Xx

@shoopashoop I felt exactly the same when I moved to where I am now. I could have written your post, down to feeling the new area had no community and wasn't safe/quiet compared to where I came from. I remember pushing the pram even hating the pavement and thinking how cracked and rubbish it was compared to my old neighbourhood. The move absolutely aggravated my PND. It was too much for my brain as it was already grappling with a lot.

But, my old location had community because I'd spent time there and built one. It felt safe because it was familiar and seemed quiet to me because I was used to the noises.

Once I'd lived here a year I was in love with it. It absolutely has community, I just didn't feel it because I was new. It's really safe and quiet. Even the pavement is fine 😂 and I love so many things about this area that I didn't know and couldn't have known right away.

Community is something you build and it comes with time.

I totally get how you're feeling, but I really believe it will pass. Your attachment to your old area shows how capable you are of forming those attachments, and you'll do it again.

17 miles is nothing. Try moving twice in the space of 7 years, 80 miles and 130 miles respectively. I was so depressed, especially after the second move, but it got better.

moving is stressful and sounds like it may have triggered a new depression or worsened your PND

I would address that with GP and if medication is the right thing, then be kind to yourself while you let the meds work and help you. Then re-assess once you are feeling better

@TankFlyBoss eek I’m not sure I feel better reading your post but appreciate your honesty. And helps to know people have done the same thing.
@Ivyonafence glad you love it now! Your comment about the path made me laugh I do think my brain is looking at all the negatives at the moment. I have joined Peanut and connected with a couple of mum’s. Hopefully I can find likeminded people here and it will help.
The weather is grim again! I will ring GP tomorrow morning and insist on some help as I have suffered with depression on and off for 10+ years and it robs me of so much joy.

Sorry you are upset OP . Very early days, moving is traumatic, especially when you have a very young family. When you move no where feels like home immediately, it takes time to make it a home.

We moved last year from our family home, we relocated and massively downsized, it has been the best decision we could have made, but in the very early days of our move, my family seemed happy, but I didn’t feel sure at all. Now I am very happy.

You will get there, just give yourself time.

Give it time OP, focus on the valid reasons you had for moving and stop looking on Rightmove!

I went through similar years ago. I pushed for us to move from a suburb of Birmingham to a village in rural Worcestershire, for the sake of the DC. If I could have moved back to our old house in the first year I would have gone like a shot. I was so lonely, missed my friends and our old house so much and lots of odd things came to light about the new house. I struggled to fit in in the village and became quite depressed. So far so crap. But, I did turn a corner after about a year. I made some friends locally, got involved in village life and the issues with the house were resolved. DH and I now both agree that it's the best move we ever made. We lived there for 7 years then moved, but only to the next village, but then moved back to the first village after a few more years because we missed it!

Sit tight OP. Maybe you'll be like me or maybe you won't ever settle there, but it sounds like your new place will have been a good investment whether you stay or go.

Both times we have moved I've felt this. It's some sort of buyers regret and must be much worse for you with little ones and PND.

It will get better as you settle in but you need to stay off Rightmove and try and get help for your mental health.

If you still hate it in a year's time then fair enough but but by then you will probably have settled in and made it your own.

@shoopashoop it did get much better for me. Slowly we've got to know the area and made friends, and really found things we like about it. And we've thrown a lot of paint around, so it feels like quite a different house. My mum has cyclical depression, and moved about three years ago from one area to another, and out of a house she'd been in for around 30 years. It dig trigger a period of depression, and she found it very hard to like the new area and house; but it did really improve, and she loves it there now. Feeling out of water is a very rational response, but you might be finding it hard to take positive steps because it's prompted a bigger response in you than you expected. Hope you're doing alright today

You’re all so kind thank you I am hoping this is just my depression talking and things will improve.
I’m also very anxious anvil the children and the responsibility we have for them/whether we are making the right choice for them. I know it is hard to know this though as we don’t have a crystal ball.
Agree with whoever said it was too much for their brain to cope with. That’s how I feel.
I just feel sad as this is the first house that is ‘mine’ (moved into DPs house previously) and I thought I would be really excited ls to do it up as I love anything interiors. Maybe I need to approach it logically and like a good investment as some posters have suggested.

I think it's often the normal to feel a wobble , my wobble is usually just before exchange , I recognise this now and give myself a bit of a talking to because I'm moving for a reason ( plus I love a new to me house and a move )
You also have moved for a reason , to have a better house and better quality of life , it may take a while to settle as you still are very hormonal but I'm sure you will love it , make it yours , clean and do few little things like pictures up , bits to the garden etc to make it feel more like your home 🏠
Give it some time to get used to it but if the worst comes to the worst you can always move again

I get what you’re saying but I don’t feel like it’s improved our quality of life as the area is rougher (as the people - albeit nice). I feel like a complete snob but I just don’t feel like I fit in here and think we made a massive mistake. I am further from work and family. I know I don’t know anyone here yet and it might change when I do but honestly I feel like I don’t want to hang around to find out

Just wondering how you are feeling now shoopa shoop? Ive literally just moved from london to a village nr southampton with my partner and 3 year old and feeling massively down and "home" sick.

What a horrible, insensitive post.

OP it's totally understandable to have these feelings! It's stressful moving and it's such early days, and you have a lot going on.

Be kind to yourself, breathe, remind yourself you made good decisions for the right reasons and your mental health might be clouding how you're feeling.

And it's un-doable! If in a while you still feel the house isn't right, you can move - sometimes just reminding yourself of that can help!

How are things now @shoopashoop?

@shoopashoop I would love to know how things are for you now