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Original poster

WWYD - stay or go back?

74 replies

BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:05

This is without doubt the hardest decision I've had to make in my life. I would love to hear others' points of view to see if this helps cos I just can't decide.

2.5 years ago we moved area an hour away to live with MIL in a farmhouse after FIL died. We have two teens 18, 16 and a 4 year old. Big house, lots of space outside. On paper, we are very lucky and i've made two good friends. But deep inside I am really unhappy living here. It still doesn't feel like my own home and the feeling has been eating away at me for months now.

The main issue is living with MIL and the house. She's lovely, I just hate not having my own home and I miss our old house we created ourselves to be how we like. I just want to love the home I live in, and feel 100% comfortable in it. I feel anguished thinking I might never have my own home again. I;m quite introverted and my own space I've made myself has always been very important to me. But the farm will be inherited by DH so we are destined to be here. I also don't really like living rurally. We have to drive everywhere and it's such a contrast to where we came from.

Anyway, after 2.5 years of being miserable and thinking around all the options, I've decided that I want to go back to our old home. DH, quite understandably, wants to stay here as he's going to inherit it so we kind of have to end up here anyway, which is part of the dilemma. We've discussed it and it's possible that I could move back with my 4 yo and 16 yo who are starting school and college this year, whilst the 18 year old is off to uni. My DH could live half with us, half here with his mum. I would obviously get a p/t job (not sure what!) but we'd definitely be worse off.

The initial plan when we moved up was to set up some farm businesses together, but it never really happened and DH is commuting daily to an office instead, and I am at home not currently working. I lost my freelance work due to covid and haven't managed to get anything going again yet as I was too busy settling in and looking after DS3 who is in preschool 2.5 days a week.

Financially we're good. We are renting out our old house so have the passive income from that, DH has a decent income but doesn't like his job, but I'm not currently working. We were very happy where we lived before, but we always knew we'd have to move to the farm some day as DH would naturally inherit. That's the only reason we're here!

So, wwyd? Stay and enjoy the extra money, space, take financial pressure off DH, and suck up the fact of it not feeling like my home, knowing I have to end up here anyway one day . Or take a gamble and go back to my old home, less money, away from dh, but much happier for having the old place we created ourselves and working to live in it myself?

OP posts:
Ihaveaskedyouthrice · 08/02/2022 22:15

Knowing that it's where I would ultimately live I would stay and do everything possible to make it feel like home. I couldn't choose to separate my family (even just for part of the week) . Sorry I know that's not the answer you want, ultimately you need to choose what works best for you.

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:23

Thanks Ihaveaskedyouthrice, I sense you are right. I appreciate you reminding me of the importance of the fact of separating family should take in my decision making. Perhaps amidst my low mood I've lost sight of that....

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 08/02/2022 22:29

I can appreciate that with MIL still there it is odd to try to make it feel like your own but is there an area you could take for yourself, maybe a side room or box room that you could decorate and make a snug for you to retreat to that would feel like your own?

whiteroseredrose · 08/02/2022 22:32

A bit out there, but couldn't the rural house be sold when your DH inherits it?

You don't like living rurally (neither would I) so why would you have to end your days there just because someone, generations back chose to live there?

parietal · 08/02/2022 22:36

I agree that you need to have a space that you can make your own, whether one room in the house or a part of the garden or a posh shed or something.

And can you get a job where you are? A part-time job or an online job or something that will give you a definite role and potential for more in the future? Are you able / interested to set up any of the farm business you mentioned? If you had a goal to work towards, that might give you a stronger sense of purpose.

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:39

ProudThrilledHappy, yes we do have two rooms and even a kitchen as ours, so it's not too intense, but it's still the old decor and it's just not our home to wander around naked in etc!!

I'm very aware I sound very self-indulgent with my 'feelings'. This is probably the case. But not sure how I get round these very intense feelings.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:41

whiteroseredrose - DH loves the farmhouse and farm and would never ever sell. It's been in the family for generations.

But yes, I do bear a certain amount of resentment for having to live here and not be able to live in a house of our own choosing. Again, though, I am aware that is me being selfish.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:45

allparietal - yes a space outside is a possibility we've looked at.

Whether I stay or go, I will have to get a job to keep me sane and feel like I'm contributing to something. I am probably lacking a sense of purpose and it admittedly might be a bit mixed up with not feeling happy here.

I am getting the sense that no one thinks leaving is the right course of action!

OP posts:
SollaSollew · 08/02/2022 22:45

Firstly sorry @BellaBooHoo that sounds like a really horrid situation to be in. As much as I like my MIL I wouldn’t want to live with her full time and would hate the lack of ‘ownership’ you’re describing.

With that said I was going to ask the same as @whiteroseredrose, why is it a forgone conclusion that you’ll end up there. Is it just it not being yours that makes you dislike it so much or is it being so rural and different to what you enjoy, because if it’s the latter I’d be thinking very hard about committing to live there in the future never mind now.

Mintfullness · 08/02/2022 22:50

Is it possible fornyou all to move back, your dh visits a few times a year, and you sell the farm house when he inherits to find a property you both like? Feels more reasonable

Mintfullness · 08/02/2022 22:50

I think you should leave

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:52

SollaSollew - thanks for your sympathetic understanding. It feels very difficult.

It's a foregone conclusion that I have to live here ultimately if I want to live with DH, as he's made it very clear he's not moving anywhere again. A few years living semi-apart doesn't faze me too much, but potentially forever....that's a different matter.

It's a mixture of both things. I don't particularly like living rurually but I think I'd be ok with it if it was my own place and could make it my own. But the sharing the house and garden with MIL makes it difficult for me to feel like it's my own. I used to love gardening and pottering, but all that's left me now. Not much joy in this place as a home for me really.

OP posts:
savemefromtheteens · 08/02/2022 22:54

Wow that sounds like a very hard situation. You've done amazingly well to put up with it so far. I can understand the need to have your own home and keep keep the family together. Is it possible to build another house on the land, either one to fit you and your family in or a small cottage that your MIL could move into. If you had your own home you might feel differently about the other drawbacks?

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 22:54

allMintfullness - thanks but DH would never ever sell. He was brought up here, unlike me.

It's such a difficult situation and I would advise anyone marrying someone who will 'inherit' a property somewhere to discuss it early and thoroughly!

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 08/02/2022 22:55

I think if you are stuck you will need to forcefully carve out a space of your own. Take over a section of garden for yourself, and think about redecorating the rooms that are yours so it feels more like home.

minipie · 08/02/2022 22:55

There is absolutely no way I would agree to live in a specific house, somewhere rural, with my MIL, simply because it had been in my DH’s family for years. Sorry but why does his family tradition and love for a particular house (it is JUST A HOUSE) trump your wishes and practical considerations like him having to commute?

Was this always the deal? Was this something you agreed to before getting married?

SollaSollew · 08/02/2022 22:57

Sorry cross post. Could it be rented rather than sold eventually? That way it stays in the family until a keen farmer emerges in the future?

Based on your update though about the reasons and if it were me I don’t think I could sacrifice my quality of life/happiness for sentimentality or tradition (I’m also not sure my dh would expect me to). I don’t think you’d be wrong to move and can see why you’d want to.

HansChristianAnderfuck · 08/02/2022 23:00

I don’t get why he has to live there if he’s not working the farm? Sounds like it runs without any of you being involved.

calmrood · 08/02/2022 23:00

@minipie my thoughts exactly.

Op why don't you get any say in your future. That's really depressing.

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 23:01

savemefromtheteens - thanks for the support. Yes, I do feel I've clung on fairly well!

It's possible to build another house on the land, or convert a barn, but very expensive and would have to sell our old house which I just don't think I'm ready to do. It would also give up any option of ever leaving here cos it would be hard to sell a house on the land so close to the farmhouse.

I realise it's like a 'gilded cage'. I am in many ways very fortunate to have such choices. But this comes at the cost of the simple things that make me happy.

OP posts:
savemefromtheteens · 08/02/2022 23:07

2.5 years is a long time to not have your own space. I have a friend in a similar situation. They eventually ended up replacing an old barn with a prefab wooden lodge. The plan eventually is to move into the main farmhouse when MIL dies (sorry I realise that sounds a bit harsh) and then rent out the wooden lodge as a holiday let.

Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 23:08

HansChristianAnderfuck - I know, this is part of my issue with staying. He doesn't have to be here because the land is all rented out and is MIL's income. We'd agreed to start farm businesses and being here together in the daytime but it didn't really work out so he ended up getting a job he has to commute to, while I now have to live with MIL mostly by myself as he works long hours. Which wasn't the original plan when we moved up!

allcalmrood - I do get a say, which is why he supports me if I want to move back and why I am seriously thinking of doing it. But so does my DH get a say, which is why he is staying!

SollaSollew - yes, in theory it could be rented rather than sold. But again, it's up to my DH as it's not my farm, and I doubt he'd want to do that when he could live here.

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 23:11

savemefromtheteens - interesting to hear that idea, which is similar to what we've thought. We could think of doing that, but I would have to be very certain about living here forever still, which i'm still not convinced about. But yes, an option, thanks.

Good to know I'm not the only one in this dilemma though!

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaBooHoo · 08/02/2022 23:12

savemefromtheteens - do you know the cost of this prefab lodge, and if they had difficulty getting planning permission for it on the land?

OP posts:
calmrood · 08/02/2022 23:32

I meant in your longer term future. It seems that everything has been decided- dh will inherit the farm and he'll never leave or sell and by your account you'll live in a rural area you don't like for the rest of your life. Unless you divorce which seems like the only way things would be different?

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