WWYD - stay or go back?

[BellaBooHoo]

This is without doubt the hardest decision I've had to make in my life. I would love to hear others' points of view to see if this helps cos I just can't decide.

2.5 years ago we moved area an hour away to live with MIL in a farmhouse after FIL died. We have two teens 18, 16 and a 4 year old. Big house, lots of space outside. On paper, we are very lucky and i've made two good friends. But deep inside I am really unhappy living here. It still doesn't feel like my own home and the feeling has been eating away at me for months now.

The main issue is living with MIL and the house. She's lovely, I just hate not having my own home and I miss our old house we created ourselves to be how we like. I just want to love the home I live in, and feel 100% comfortable in it. I feel anguished thinking I might never have my own home again. I;m quite introverted and my own space I've made myself has always been very important to me. But the farm will be inherited by DH so we are destined to be here. I also don't really like living rurally. We have to drive everywhere and it's such a contrast to where we came from.

Anyway, after 2.5 years of being miserable and thinking around all the options, I've decided that I want to go back to our old home. DH, quite understandably, wants to stay here as he's going to inherit it so we kind of have to end up here anyway, which is part of the dilemma. We've discussed it and it's possible that I could move back with my 4 yo and 16 yo who are starting school and college this year, whilst the 18 year old is off to uni. My DH could live half with us, half here with his mum. I would obviously get a p/t job (not sure what!) but we'd definitely be worse off.

The initial plan when we moved up was to set up some farm businesses together, but it never really happened and DH is commuting daily to an office instead, and I am at home not currently working. I lost my freelance work due to covid and haven't managed to get anything going again yet as I was too busy settling in and looking after DS3 who is in preschool 2.5 days a week.

Financially we're good. We are renting out our old house so have the passive income from that, DH has a decent income but doesn't like his job, but I'm not currently working. We were very happy where we lived before, but we always knew we'd have to move to the farm some day as DH would naturally inherit. That's the only reason we're here!

So, wwyd? Stay and enjoy the extra money, space, take financial pressure off DH, and suck up the fact of it not feeling like my home, knowing I have to end up here anyway one day . Or take a gamble and go back to my old home, less money, away from dh, but much happier for having the old place we created ourselves and working to live in it myself?

I am in many ways very fortunate to have such choices.

It’s not fortunate if it’s not something you want, and if it’s not really a choice. (And DH saying you can move back to the old home but without him, is not being given a choice! That’s an ultimatum).

It’s a bit like being given an expensive designer dress which you don’t like and doesn’t suit you, and then told you have to wear it. Would you call that fortunate?

I think you should move back to your old house. I don't see any advantage living with your MIL in a house you can't make your own in an area you don't like when there is absolutely no good reason to. Your DH doesn't even work on the farm so there is no reason to stay. Go live your life in the house and setting that makes you happy and your DH can visit at weekends or maybe he will move back and get another job, there is nothing stopping him.

This is tough.
Personally living apart wouldn't be something I'd want/would work for my marriage so I'd want to try all other options first.... but I would mentally be on the edge living the weird ghost half life you've got. 2.5 years 🥴😰😨😱😱😱
You are a better woman than me!!!
And I think I would have moved back to my old house by now despite the damage to my marriage as it would that or my sanity!!!!

Not to deflect but this must be horrible for your MIL too. Thee is someone living in "her house" that she has lived in for decades. What's her feelings on all this? Sounds like your husband is the winner and gets what he wants... everyone else is suffering / facilitating his wants. He is compromising on nothing.

If you want to stay there needs to be a proper conversation and wholesale changes.

Totally different but I struggled badly when we moved house and felt I was living in a strangers house. Redecorating helped hugely. I cannot tell you.

I am wondering if somehow there is scope to reconfigure or portion the house up to block off some of it and create a separate entrance and redecorate. Would mil accept /go for this?
If you stay you need to do this I think. Or at a minimum gut and redecorate all the rooms (ie change the contents too)
This would be the bare non negotiable minimum.

I would also want my own garden. Again, Non negotiable.
It is the best therapy. Even if you need to reclaim some of the yard and make your own suntrap.

Thinking of my family there farms had multiple spots of gardens so perhaps you could reclaim some of that or fence off a portion of a nearest field (with mil support/tenant approval). If its really not possibly then mil needs to split /partician her garden and give you some of it. Your DH needs to broker that.

Post or concurrent to the "reclaim your space" project. You also for your own sanity need a job. Some job. Any job. You get you out of there rather than floating around like Rebecca in Manderley.

Massive hugs.

This makes no sense. I understand that in the long term your DH will inherit the farm and will want to live there.

But given that no one in your family is running the farm, it is at the moment, just a house. It's irrelevant where it is.

There's no reason for you to be there until he does actually inherit. As difficult as that is, I think ideally you would all move back to your old house. I understand that that is almost impossible because it would be so difficult to leave your mil now. But essentially that is the choice your DH is making, living in a house of his choice with his mother, over living in a house that is yours, with you.

So in short, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

This may all have been your DH's plan from before he met you, but he now has a partner (and child) with their own idea of where they'd like to spend the rest of their life. Why is he not understanding that you're a person, not just a 'wife' to slot into this plan?

I do understand the pull of a family home, MIL has a family house that DH will inherit and it's emotionally important to the family. Thankfully DH wouldn't want to live there AND if he did, he knows my views on not living there are valid.

When he inherits the farm will you still want to live there ?

How do the DC feel about the house and general living situation? Just wondering which of them your DH is proposing has to live in the house forever next when they didn’t grow up in it so aren’t going to have the same attachment …

If it is going to be your forever home, can you start putting your own stamp on it. Get an architect or landscape gardener in for ideas...even if you have no intention of doing anything radical, it might give you more control over your living environment. Any changes could be funded by the rental income from your house. Start thinking about a renovation plan so that it becomes less of your DH childhood home and more your future home. Obviously leaving MIL's room(s) as is for now!

You need your own home. I would find a place in the area to live in for now so that you have a space that is yours. Even if MIL’s home is big, it is still her home.

You have a bigger issue than where ro live now, surely? You have an issue that you always assumed you'd move there 'eventually' but now you're trying it you find that it's not that great. So the initial position has changed, which is hard for both of you as dh's hasn't.

You don't say anything about MiLs health, or the distance between your two places. I assume MiL appreciate s, or even needs, someone else in the house? Can she afford to occupy/heat/maintain it - assume so from the land income -though farming is not lucrative unless you're in the 1000s of acres area afaik.

I think you need to brainstorm some scenario s with dh ,- make the farm a holiday business, make it a care home, let it out and move mil in to your old house , sell everything and all move to spain .. all and every mad permutation - so you can both find out a bit more about how you (selves) and each other really feel

Oh you said the distance - an hour.

Wow, thanks for all these responses. So many different points of view and unfortunately I can empathise with them all! That's the problem, there are massive pros and cons either way and I keep swaying from one to the other.

Afaik, MIL loves us living here and was very upset when I told her about my plans, a few weeks ago. I was so sure it was the right thing then, finally, but am now questioning the move again. DH will no way move back, and I would't want that on my conscience if he did.

Yes I can and have put my own stamp on the rooms we use. But the house is still hers! Old (antique) furniture still theirs, kitchen is her and FIL design and can't be changed due to aga etc. I even sleep in their old bed! The garden is big but MIL kitchen looks directly out onto it and it's in no way private.

I could go on forever about the details and each one by themselves is tweakable and sounds trivial. But it all creates an overall picture that makes me feel it's not my home, and I can't mentally get past it, however much I remind myself of the advantages.

When he inherits the farm yes I would live here. I don't fancy old age living by myself! But I' m saying that now, and who knows how I'll feel if I've built a life in a busy town an hour away.

DS16 would like to go back to old house and he's not a fan of having to be driven everywhere anyway (although he will have driving lessons soon so might not be such an issue). DS18 plans to go to uni, which is actually halfway between old house and farm. DS4 loves it here, obviously cos he's 4 and just has fun!

I'm considering moving back for 2 years for a 'trial' move away. DS16 could start and finish college and if it all goes tits up I could come back and enrol DS4 in a local primary into Year2 (there will definitely be spaces).

@Totalwasteofpaper - thanks for your detailed reply. it made me laugh! "You also for your own sanity need a job. Some job. Any job. You get you out of there rather than floating around like Rebecca in Manderley". Yes, I realise I do need a job to give my mind something else to focus on. I am probably daunted by this too as haven't worked outside the home for over 4 years now.

@candycane222 yes brainstorming all ideas is a good idea. I hate to go over the same subject again and again but I think it's necessary. Time is really not on by side now!

@OllieTheCat , yes getting an architect in is a good idea. I am toying with the idea of getting a planning consultant in to see if he thinks we'd be allowed to build a wooden cabin style thing. It's highly unlikely though - planning permission is notoriously strict on building on agricultural land. Would be worth a try and would have to get my act together soon to help aid the looming decision.

Where do the DC want to live?

It sounds hellish to me and you seem a bit marooned...there's no point being stuck in the middle of nowhere if its not what you want....this is your life as well and thats as important as dh's why does his wish to live there trump yours to not.. especially as he's not even working there!

I would move back to your old house and get a job....maybe not even part time....
Sounds like the idea of moving back to the farm was OK in theory but even if you could change the house its still in the middle of nowhere..

Could you sell the old house and buy a smaller one if that helps the financial situation?

I don’t understand why you “wouldn’t want it on your conscience” to ask DH to move back to your previous house, and yet, it’s absolutely fine for him to ask you to stay in this house? Why doesn’t he have to consider your wishes??

@allminipie i do understand how my dh feels. I have strong attachments to our old home where we raised our children for 17 years, and he has similar attachments to the farm, and he does ultimately want to start businesses on it, it's just storage as a sideline at the moment, which we don't need to be here for. But yes of course he wants me to be happy too, so supports me going. It's hard for both of us, tbh.

It's tricky and I appreciate all these opinions to poke my thoughts around more!

I don’t see why your husbands wish to live there comes before yours though? Why do you have to compromise so much and it’s a given that you will live there?

Glad my early morning rant gave you a laugh...
Job application CVs and interviewing are a ballache daunting but def worth getting back out there

One thing I thought of now am more awake is what about getting a good architect in to help give some advice / guidance on layout / living flow. Often you can't see things they can.

Not the same but we got mumsnet fave karen at oneplan to do our kitchen and she came up with really good ideas and configurations to make the space work.

I suggest discussing your feelings not just with your dh but your mil as well. See if you can meet somewhere in the middle with what is also her home so that it feels more yours too. Installing a new kitchen for example. Decorating some of the rooms. You taking over the scheme for the garden planting (or a section of it) etc. So its more yours.

Have you told your DH outright that you really don't want to live in the farmhouse when he inherits it? I think that's the conversation you need to have, because anything else is just a temporary sticking plaster. He needs to know how miserable you are feeling.

@BellaBooHoo

whiteroseredrose - DH loves the farmhouse and farm and would never ever sell. It's been in the family for generations.

But yes, I do bear a certain amount of resentment for having to live here and not be able to live in a house of our own choosing. Again, though, I am aware that is me being selfish.

I think this is at the heart of your dilemma,

Is this a working farm? What are your plans for the farm when dh inherits?
At the moment your dh is comuting, so living there doesn't really work.

Would you consider other options once dh inherits? I think that would be a conversation you need to have first.
eg
redecorate and turn it into a holiday let, you visit 2 x per year?
Let another member of the family live in it (and run the farm?)
sell, I know you have said he won't but cann you afford not to?
Starting your own business from the farm?

I think the idea that he just moves back with you al and recreates his childhood is massively unrealistic, and you need together to think that through.

If you stay though, then it is time to claim space.
Take the 2/3 rooms you have, make the 'entrance' to that space delineated in some way (curtain, door, large plant...)
Then all the space inside your space you redecorate. make it your colours and your furniture.
Obviously with MIL agreement. But if she is a normal person, and you sit down and explaint he need for your own space, it should work.

We have lived on and off we my parents over the years, it worked because we have our own sitting room. It would have worked even better and for longer if we had had our own kitchen, however small.

Rather than infringe on MIL territory, I suggest have a think about a business you could do given the land opportunity.

One thing you said: you like gardening. Is there a piece of the plot you could put up a polytunnel and use as a garden to grow on plants for sale (farmers market, at the gate?)
Is there anywhere you can set up a home office 'of your own' whether a shepherds hut in the garden or a space in the attic and do something creative /different that might earn some money as a business, away from MIL?
Are there any businesses locally you could work for (or a school so school hours for the youngest?

Also,
My parents owned an old farm, house only twice.
There were a lot of outbuildings on both.

If you have a stable with a loft above, can you convert that, make a mini cottage/studio/ office space/ hang out zone?

Have you talked to MIL about HER moving. Now, before you jump down my throat, it is really common in farming families for the inheriting child and their family to take over the main house because they have kids, and the parents move into a smaller cottage/granny flat on site, as they no longer have kids.
Would that be an option?
Then redecorate the whole house?

One thing is clear. SOMETHING has to give. You are veyr unhappy and I don't think your dh realises it as he is happily back at home, but now has a wofe too!

I have been you- stuck on a remote farm that had been in the family for generations, and with a DH that was deeply attached to it.

The difference though was that my ex was abusive, while yours is clearly a good guy who is supporting you in what you want.

It seems your options are:

1. Make the decision to make it work, and talk with DH and MIL about how you can make ‘her’ house feel more like yours.

In doing this, think through how you’ll feel in 3 and then 5 years - 2 kids at uni, one in school. What will you be doing? Long rural drives to commute to work are no fun - so do you plan to Work from home? Maybe thinking through your future, what you hope for it, will, give some clarity here.

1. Move out as you propose on a trial basis e.g. for 6 months and see how it works. What about schooling for the 4yo? Is it feasible for DH to do the travelling or will he grow to resent it?

Either way, I recognise your (entirely normal) resentment, while feeling a bit guilty about it, I would say from experience that you do have to put your needs and feelings quite centrally, otherwise the resentment will grow, and damage your marriage.

I left, but that was mainly because of the abuse. Once back in the town though, I realised how isolated I had become, living rurally. So another thing is to really maintain your support networks if you can - they will be invaluable whichever way you decide.