WWYD - stay or go back?

[BellaBooHoo]

This is without doubt the hardest decision I've had to make in my life. I would love to hear others' points of view to see if this helps cos I just can't decide.

2.5 years ago we moved area an hour away to live with MIL in a farmhouse after FIL died. We have two teens 18, 16 and a 4 year old. Big house, lots of space outside. On paper, we are very lucky and i've made two good friends. But deep inside I am really unhappy living here. It still doesn't feel like my own home and the feeling has been eating away at me for months now.

The main issue is living with MIL and the house. She's lovely, I just hate not having my own home and I miss our old house we created ourselves to be how we like. I just want to love the home I live in, and feel 100% comfortable in it. I feel anguished thinking I might never have my own home again. I;m quite introverted and my own space I've made myself has always been very important to me. But the farm will be inherited by DH so we are destined to be here. I also don't really like living rurally. We have to drive everywhere and it's such a contrast to where we came from.

Anyway, after 2.5 years of being miserable and thinking around all the options, I've decided that I want to go back to our old home. DH, quite understandably, wants to stay here as he's going to inherit it so we kind of have to end up here anyway, which is part of the dilemma. We've discussed it and it's possible that I could move back with my 4 yo and 16 yo who are starting school and college this year, whilst the 18 year old is off to uni. My DH could live half with us, half here with his mum. I would obviously get a p/t job (not sure what!) but we'd definitely be worse off.

The initial plan when we moved up was to set up some farm businesses together, but it never really happened and DH is commuting daily to an office instead, and I am at home not currently working. I lost my freelance work due to covid and haven't managed to get anything going again yet as I was too busy settling in and looking after DS3 who is in preschool 2.5 days a week.

Financially we're good. We are renting out our old house so have the passive income from that, DH has a decent income but doesn't like his job, but I'm not currently working. We were very happy where we lived before, but we always knew we'd have to move to the farm some day as DH would naturally inherit. That's the only reason we're here!

So, wwyd? Stay and enjoy the extra money, space, take financial pressure off DH, and suck up the fact of it not feeling like my home, knowing I have to end up here anyway one day . Or take a gamble and go back to my old home, less money, away from dh, but much happier for having the old place we created ourselves and working to live in it myself?

clearly a good guy who is supporting you in what you want

Not really. I imagine what OP actually wants is for her H to move back to the previous home with her. But that’s off the table, he won’t contemplate living anywhere except his family farm.

I'm living in DH's childhood home and I have never felt settled here. It is 'where I live' rather than 'home'.

I am painfully aware that his parents lived here before us and they clearly still have an attachment to the place - commenting on any changes we've made or saying 'we wouldn't have done that / done it like that'. They live very close. We have been here nearly 15 years and it still doesn't feel like home to me, but my children have been brought up here and are attached to the place.

During lockdown we were very much isolated (but having grown up here, the children were used to not seeing people in the evenings, I suppose!) The first 'clap for the NHS' evening I stood at the door and couldn't hear another soul.

We have to drive everywhere. I miss the sense of community that comes from living in a village (I grew up in a smallish village). I am very unhappy living here to the point that we have talked about separating, as I do not want to live out my days here - DH does work the farm, so clearly can't be anywhere else. To an outsider I am very lucky living where I do, but I certainly don't feel it. Added to that, I don't have a job at the moment having taken a break for the children and now unable to get back in.

In your situation I would go back to your old house.

I’m baffled by this.

It’s not a working farm, at least not by your ILs.

Why did you have to move there after FIL died? Does MIL need care and now the bulk of it is falling to you? Or not?

You’re now restricted to not working or working from home, in the middle of nowhere.

DH had to change jobs too? Or has he stayed at the same one?

Your teens were uprooted and 16YO doesn’t like it. You don’t like it. The only one who likes it is DH, who has an unreasonable attachment to his childhood home.

You do have agency here. You can move out. You can tell DH that living there when MIL dies isn’t an option as you’re so miserable there.

Can I be blunt? You sound like a passenger in your own life! It’s so frustrating reading your posts. None of this is a foregone conclusion. Your DH is selfish for not listening to your views. You have one life. If you don’t want to live in a rural farmhouse with your MIL, don’t!

That's a very tricky set of problems there.

I loved my MIL dearly, and she was a wonderful person, but I don't think we could have lived in the same house for a permanency.

In the later Anne of Green Gables books the point is made, and well made, that 2 women are unlikely to get on well if they have to share the same kitchen- so the characters in the book have a second kitchen put in the farmhouse at Green Gables when Marilla's friend goes there to live.

I recall going round a small stately home with an American friend when I was a teenager and her saying what a great place to be born or marry into. All I could think of was the maintenance costs and the fact it was morally if not legally in trust, rather than owned- I said I'd hate it, however lovely the house was. It would be a job, not a place to live, and a job I couldn't change if I wanted to, because it was an inherited obligation either for me or my DH.

I suppose if your DH was working the land you might have a case in planning for building a house there, but if he isn't, I'd think it would be tricky. The only other thing I can think of is partitioning the house and garden to some degree. Might it help if you really could force the issue of getting a business going there? That would give you a focus for being there, and a reason to take over at least some of the buildings and do at least them your way. You could then use them as a bit of a place to go when things get a bit too much?

@BitcherOfBlakiven

I’m baffled by this.

It’s not a working farm, at least not by your ILs.

Why did you have to move there after FIL died? Does MIL need care and now the bulk of it is falling to you? Or not?

You’re now restricted to not working or working from home, in the middle of nowhere.

DH had to change jobs too? Or has he stayed at the same one?

Your teens were uprooted and 16YO doesn’t like it. You don’t like it. The only one who likes it is DH, who has an unreasonable attachment to his childhood home.

You do have agency here. You can move out. You can tell DH that living there when MIL dies isn’t an option as you’re so miserable there.

100% this. I don’t know why your DH needs to live there now. I would also be looking into the future. When your children have left and you hate rural life and become older it’s not great to live in the middle of nowhere. Your DH is very selfish. He’s basically given you an ultimatum.

@BellaBooHoo

ProudThrilledHappy, yes we do have two rooms and even a kitchen as ours, so it's not too intense, but it's still the old decor and it's just not our home to wander around naked in etc!!

I'm very aware I sound very self-indulgent with my 'feelings'. This is probably the case. But not sure how I get round these very intense feelings.

Why haven't you decorated and made the space your own? Right now without a job, surely this could be your first project? Then maybe look at withe job hunting or what the farm business was going to be...

You've tried it and you don't like it. It was a good idea in theory. Do you really think that situation will change once you inherit? Do you really think you will want to live there in the future after going back and continuing your old life? I think the gap between you and your DH will only widen (if he stays on the farm). How old will you be then? Having grown up and still with parents rurally now it is incredibly hard and they are planning on moving to a small town.

I think you need to really listen to what your heart/instinct is telling you. 2.5 years is a good go at something, but you need to acknowledge that if you go back to your old home you probably won't return to the farm (and shouldn't).

How you work that with your marriage is something else... and is actually the bigger issue here...

I would look into converting one of those barns for a holiday let later down the line rather than a wooden lodge. They don't rent nearly as well as conversions. You aren't working so you could project manage. Would give you something to do and different faces to chat to in the days and something constructive to get your teeth into. I think if you leave it will be the beginning of the end for you and DH as you will no longer have common goals

It's all very well saying he won't sell but what about care home fees for MIL, inheritance tax etc?

@minipie

There is absolutely no way I would agree to live in a specific house, somewhere rural, with my MIL, simply because it had been in my DH’s family for years. Sorry but why does his family tradition and love for a particular house (it is JUST A HOUSE) trump your wishes and practical considerations like him having to commute?

Was this always the deal? Was this something you agreed to before getting married?

^ this

I think I would give it a proper go first. You need a job, and a project. Possibly the same thing. Build a cabin to rent out to holiday makers for some part time income? A small campsite? At the least redesign your own rooms to your own taste - I couldn't live in someone else's space.

You only get one life. It’s not a rehearsal, this is it.

Will you and DH ever farm the land? Or start a rural business? If so then why can’t you start now? You’ve a rental income. You’re not paying a mortgage or rent. You don’t need a huge income for this to be viable. Start off whilst DH still works - Find a way to retain a small-ish field and put up a pollytunnel, start growing herbs or strawberries or cut flowers or salad crops or heritage tomatoes or whatever in it, and sell them locally - use an honesty box if you must. Become self sufficient in veg, at least for most of the year. Start a pet cemetery, or yurts, or livery stables, or fence an area rent it for dog obedience classes, or outdoor yoga, or some mindfulness wankery, or convert outbuildings to studio space or office spaces for small businesses. Do it NOW. The sooner you discover that you hate it or love it, the sooner you can move on in your life.

Does MIL need care? Or is her being alone the issue? Is that why you moved in with her, or was it a financial decision so you could quit work? Or is it that DH wants a completely different life to the one you want? If that’s the issue then you BOTH need to compromise, or you need to BOTH decide if you’d be prepared to follow the other persons wants or would rather separate.

It sounds like you're struggling to see how unfair your dh is being.

Your options are 1) be unhappy living at the farm but get to be with dh
2) live in your own house but don't get to be with dh and also have to solo parent

His options are 1) live on the farm with you all which is exactly what he wants or 2) still live in his preferred place and get to "visit" you part of the time.

Where exactly is your dh compromising? Have you noticed that neither of your choices is ideal for you, but one of his is perfect for him? It's incredibly selfish of him to put you in this position. You are in no way being selfish. Of course you want your own home! Having limitations on your life dictated to you with no room for discussion or compromise does not lead to a happy marriage. You need to have a proper talk with him, and don't go into it with the assumption that moving to the farm is the "correct" choice and anything else is an alternative.

Where are you in all this op?

You had a joint home and now you live in MIL's home and DH's 'inheritance'. None of it is 'for you' at all.

It doesn't sound like dh wants to work rurally and will probably plod on with his office job until he retires.

A house is just a house. In this case, it's a bloody millstone that's pulling you under!

You tried it, it's making you desperately unhappy. I would go back to your old house. If your dh can't prioritise you above a pile of bricks then you can't rely on him in the longer term anyway.

id stay but get a very nice lodge/big caravan on the land and use that for yourself for at least a few years until you either sell your house and decide what you want to do.

I would not leave my partner to move home, yes his life plans dont trump yours but you knew he would always inherit surely before you married him?

WTF

Do I have this right? There is no compromise and you either have to live in this exact rural remote house, or live apart from your husband? He would literally choose this house over you?

Unbelievable.

You like the idea of your old house but I’m assuming would be prepared to compromise on house number 3, whatever that would be. Just can’t believe he would be so rigid, and can’t believe you would be prepared to make such sacrifices to preserve that rigidity.

Ugh, this sounds like you're in prison. Having to think about living in this place you don't like until you die, and then what? One of the DC gets saddled with it? Surely it's pretty clear they'll sell it anyway so all your sacrifice - of your entire life hereafter! - is for nothing. For some sentimentality of your DH's for his childhood and ancestors, which has FA relation to the happiness of his actual family who are alive right now.

There was no real reason why you had to move there when FiL died. Even if MiL needed support, she could have come to live near you instead. So much more of an upheaval to move your whole family there. Good on you for trying it, but it was an experiment that hasn't worked and you shouldn't be stuck just because of his emotional attachment.

Please stop beating yourself up about how you shouldn't be unhappy or complaining about it or that you couldn't have his unhappiness on your conscience. Clearly he's fine for you and the DC to compromise for him. You need to be really clear and frank that this is not where your future lies so there needs to be a workable plan B if you're staying together. His idyllic future on this farm only works if you put up and shut up and play along - my MiL did the same all her life to my FiL (a farmer, no surprise!) and has - as a PP perfectly coined - been 'a passenger in her only life' and is deeply bitter and discontented because of it. Please don't be her.

You know what you need. Have faith in yourself and don't doubt and cave just to make him happy. You matter too. Go back and be yourself.

I apologise that I haven't read all the messages on the thread in advance of posting. Is there an option of building a dowager's house anywhere on your property where your DMIL could live? Which would be the traditional way of managing the transition between generations. I am not saying this would reconcile you to a rural existence you sound ambivalent about before your DH takes over the reins full time and full on.

I would move back.

Sorry, but agree with others - why does his decision get to trumo what's best for the family overall?

Especially as he's not currently working on farm!

I would also use time away to consider if you'd want to upsticks back there again when your 4 yo will be settled in school etc...

I think you need to be more proactive in making the place feel like home. You say you're sleeping in the in laws bed, why? Surely that can be changed? Redecorate the room, put their furniture into storage if they want to keep it and get your own stuff in there. Likewise your other rooms. Having an aga in the kitchen doesn't mean you can't change the units, or even paint them, redecorate to your taste, new flooring etc. I really don't understand why you're not doing this already.
What sort of farm businesses did you have in mind? Is it possible to get one of these going now, on your own? If not, why not?
The garden. You say mil overlooks it. Can you screen an area off, be creative with planting, make a private haven for you that isn't overlooked?
It seems to me that you're in this situation, you don't want to permanently separate from your h, so you need to make your life there fit what you'd like it to be better.
Instead of focusing on the negatives, explore to positives, the possibilities. Make it yours, make it work for you.

In your position I would go back to my own house at the moment. Further down the line when MIL passes and DH inherits the house it would thinkable to come back, refurbish and make the house my own - if I wanted to. I can't bear living in other peoples homes so totally get your position. I'd leave without a doubt.

Apologies for not updating my own thread and thanks for all the opinions, which I asked for. I realise that it's so hard for an outsider to get the complete picture and no situation is ever black and white. It's not awful here, my family is not miserable here, my husband is considerate of my feelings. It's just me that wants my own home. Ultimately, whose wishes trump whose?

Anyway, decision is made. I'll be going back to our old house. I don't want to live with regret, and I think you regret more what you don't do, than what you do. If it doesn't work out, I can always come back and start raising chickens and selling flowers! (Whoever suggested that, thanks, but when you're miserable in a home that's not your own your motivation for doing anything creative and business-like disappears!)

Good. I really hope your DH sees sense and moves back with you. Best of luck