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Original poster

AIBU to want to raise our very young children in the house we picked for them?

60 replies

JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 15:21

So, we have a beautiful home - a medieval thatched cottage with unusual huge rooms, very light. Perfect location, lovely neighbours. The only downside is that we knocked through to make two massive upstairs bedrooms (two more downstairs) instead of four small dark ones. I worked my ass off on this house, paid for most of it and love it to pieces. Our support network here is incredible.

My husband has a history of looking to external factors for his happiness. Our kids are now 3 under 3 and life is hard! We're knackered. For the short term, we are crammed in because the kids are too young to live across floors.

DH has become fixated on the idea that if we just lived in a more normal house it would be easier.

I have looked at house after house with him. There is nothing out there, we can't afford the step up to the next 'band' and we're at risk of losing something very nearly perfect... for what? So he can avoid the kids for the next few years and claim it's because he had to paint a bedroom? As displacement activity until his next source of misery?

Tell me how not to divorce him, because right now I can't think of a better option. And yes, I could afford to stay in this lovely home with the kids.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 23/01/2022 15:28

Wha do you mean they're too young to live across floors? Could the children (or the older 2 if the youngest is tiny) have the upstairs rooms and you sleep downstairs? (With the use of gates and/ or monitors if needed). If that's the issue I know people who sleep on different levels to their children.

Is it that he doesn't feel the same way about the house and that's actually the issue?

Treacletoots · 23/01/2022 15:30

He's right you know. Your life would be easier with 3 under 3 if you bought a more modern or conventional house.

We did the same. We swapped a 3 storey 200 year old beautiful cottage for a new build where all.our living space is on the same floor, there are no death trap stairs, a gorgeous big garden and it's always warm.

Realistically I'd have left the bedrooms as they were until you were in a position to use them in the way you intended i.e when your kids are older.

In your position I'd suggest you put the rooms back for now, rather than spend tens of thousands on moving to a house you don't love, as you clearly do. (we loved the idea of the period cottage, I prefer the warmth!)

endofthelinefinally · 23/01/2022 15:32

We live in a tall, thin house and had no choice but to put the Dc on a different floor. As long as you have good smoke alarms, stair gates and monitors it is absolutely fine.

Thoosa · 23/01/2022 15:36

I think you have bigger problems than perfect cottages and picking houses for children.

Your marriage does not sound too good.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 15:47

@Nerrsnerr You have neatly guessed at our situation. We could happily go downstairs fairly soon (we have 5 month old twins so not quite yet) but it would need a small tweak to layout to make one of our downstairs rooms a proper master. My husband won't engage with a small simple change - he keeps saying he can't face work here.

But... for those posters saying a modern house might be better right now, I do get that and have looked at many. DH doesn't want to live in them. He wants all the charm and value of this house, but in another which is just slightly differently shaped. He's happy to pay £1-200,000 more and redo all of the decorating... but only for something as good as this.

We don't have more money because all of our spare £££ already goes on childcare.

So yes, I think this is an excuse to be miserable.

OP posts:
FudgeSundae · 23/01/2022 15:47

Our kids are 2.5 and 10 months. They sleep in the first floor, we sleep on the ground floor. We have monitors and a stair gate and it works fine?

merryhouse · 23/01/2022 15:48

If they're massive, how come you're crammed in? The two of you in one room, the kids in the other?

They really don't need much space to sleep. Is the issue with naps? Put a futon mattress in one of the downstairs rooms?

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 15:49

@Thoosa This is also true. DH has some family issues including illness, but he is making us miserable by fixating on our house as a solution.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 16:23

@merryhouse Just that our oldest is the worst possible age to be in with the babies. Climbs like a monkey, would lovingly drop a skull cracking toy on a baby without a second thought. Our current solution when the babies are a little older is to move our toddler back into our (yes, huge) room for 6 months or so until all three can be in together. Or we could move downstairs. It's just we can't do those things overnight.

But this is why I don't understand moving now as a solution. Because the time it would take to find and buy any house (and he has rejected everything out there at our budget and substantially above) will already make the change he says he is looking for.

OP posts:
Why2why · 23/01/2022 16:24

It’s unclear what you see as the issue. In every post, there is something new that you are bringing up.

Does not sound like a good marriage especially as you seem unwilling to entertain the idea that the current arrangements sounds stressful.

Also, sometimes people fall out of love with a house when it stops working for them and asking them to invest more time and energy tweaking it can be soul destroying.

The two of you sound like you want different things.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 16:26

@endofthelinefinally Thank you, this is helpful. I think at very least we ought to wait till our baby twins are a little older and then try? It feels like any other approach is pre-emptive and risky.

OP posts:
JugglingJanuary · 23/01/2022 16:29

Just move the toddler in with you now.

DH is being ridiculous, but what does he say is wrong with the house?

Comedycook · 23/01/2022 16:32

3 under 3 is an absolute ton of work .. doesn't matter if you move imo, same shit, different place. Sounds like an excuse my your dh.
.

Comedycook · 23/01/2022 16:32

*by

parietal · 23/01/2022 16:47

moving house with tiny kids is going to be a massive amount of work.

hang on in the house you have for now because things will change massively in the next year anyway. you shouldn't make big decisions on houses because of 1 or 2 years of difficult childcare.

do you have space / money for an aupair? then the aupair + the older child can sleep in the two downstairs bedrooms, while you & the twins have the two upstairs bedrooms? plus you'd have a lot of help with childcare for the next few months.

PotteringAlong · 23/01/2022 16:49

Our room is in the loft, the kids are on the middle floor. Not an issue! Just move rooms

endofthelinefinally · 23/01/2022 16:52

I wouldn't put all three in together at any stage. Put the eldest in their own room with strong, solid stair gate across the door. Leave the door open or remove it completely for now. If eldest is real climber, get a dog gate - much taller and stronger.
Keep the babies in with you until they are a bit older - at least 10 months. Then move them to their own room. If the room is large enough you can put a divider down the middle and a gate across the door. They can see each other but not get at each other.

TaraRhu · 23/01/2022 16:55

I'm sure your oldest could go downstairs with a baby monitor? Loads of people do that. If you aren't happy Just play musical beds. One if you sleep with the twins and the other upstairs. Or could you re split one if the upstairs rooms temporarily?

I wouldn't selll. The house is quirky. But soon you can definitely make it work.

QuiteAtALoss · 23/01/2022 16:55

Moving house with babies and toddlers is hideous. Truly, truly hideous.

user1493494961 · 23/01/2022 16:59

Stay in the house you love, with your great support network, you would be mad to move and would always regret it.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:01

You’ve got 5-month-old TWINS!

Of course life is a bit miserable (I mean that in the nicest possible way Grin).

Ignore him. Refuse to discuss it.

Presumably the downstairs bedroom is available for one parent at a time to escape the baby bedroom and get some sleep?

Doveyouknow · 23/01/2022 17:04

We had kids on different floors to us (townhouse). It was never an issue. We just used stair gates and monitors. 3 under 3 including twins is going to be hard anywhere!

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 17:08

Thank you everyone, this has been very helpful. DH says he finds this house stressful because we have hard tiles downstairs (so I carpeted that room) and then because we have no outdoor storage for a pram (so I suggested fitting a back porch, which would be a good improvement). He also doesn't like that we have a step down at the edge of our dining room, but spent yesterday trying to persuade me to buy a 1980s hillside house with four internal level changes.

When I really pushed him after this thread, he said he thinks he is depressed after two years wfh, but that he doubts he could live happily here ever again. I appreciate why it has sounded to others as though I keep saying different things - this is a direct reflection of what I am hearing from DH.

But... thanks to you all I now feel so much more comfortable with tall baby gates, good smoke alarms and the minor things I think make this house perfectly workable compared to the huge disruption of moving - let alone to a dream home that doesn't seem to exist within our budget.

All I can do is to continue to work on that basis, and if he wants to continue to spend every weekend house hunting then that's fine. But I won't sign papers on anything that takes away from our current position or is less positive for the children.

OP posts:
Mamette · 23/01/2022 17:09

doesn't matter if you move imo, same shit, different place

Yep. Also known as “doing a geographical”.

It will not solve the issue. 2 or 3 years going by will solve the issue. But they will be the lovely toddler-y years so it’s a best-of-times-worst-of-times scenario.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:15

he said he thinks he is depressed after two years wfh

Ah!

Is he likely to go back to the office soon?