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Original poster

AIBU to want to raise our very young children in the house we picked for them?

60 replies

JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 15:21

So, we have a beautiful home - a medieval thatched cottage with unusual huge rooms, very light. Perfect location, lovely neighbours. The only downside is that we knocked through to make two massive upstairs bedrooms (two more downstairs) instead of four small dark ones. I worked my ass off on this house, paid for most of it and love it to pieces. Our support network here is incredible.

My husband has a history of looking to external factors for his happiness. Our kids are now 3 under 3 and life is hard! We're knackered. For the short term, we are crammed in because the kids are too young to live across floors.

DH has become fixated on the idea that if we just lived in a more normal house it would be easier.

I have looked at house after house with him. There is nothing out there, we can't afford the step up to the next 'band' and we're at risk of losing something very nearly perfect... for what? So he can avoid the kids for the next few years and claim it's because he had to paint a bedroom? As displacement activity until his next source of misery?

Tell me how not to divorce him, because right now I can't think of a better option. And yes, I could afford to stay in this lovely home with the kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 17:17

@endofthelinefinally That's an good idea, thanks. We have a room divider sitting in the shed that we could use.

Ultimately it is up to DH to work on his happiness, but he goes back to the office this week! I don't see why we can't at least wait a few weeks while he sees if being out and about again makes a difference.

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Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 17:18

@Nosquirrels This week! Which has bought things to something of a crisis. I keep saying give it a few weeks. He is pushing me to sell on the grounds that he KNOWS he won't feel differently.

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BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/01/2022 17:20

Three under 3, including baby twins will be stressful and hard work anywhere. Try to agree you won’t discuss it again until the DCs are a bit older and you’re through this phase.

I had twins without a toddler and it was hard enough! You don’t want to be making massive life changing decisions at the moment!

Mydogmylife · 23/01/2022 17:22

So, has he ever really liked the house, or has it always been YOUR dream house?

endofthelinefinally · 23/01/2022 17:25

Moving house is very, very stressful. Nobody will feel better if you embark on that, I promise you. My house is full of steps up and down and landings and half landings, sloping roofs, the lot. We managed and it will be fine as they all get a bit older. Everybody shuffled round at various times and all settled by the time they were around 7 to 10 yrs old.

BungleandGeorge · 23/01/2022 17:37

Just put either the toddler or twins downstairs with a baby monitor and stair gate. If toddler is out of nappies potty in the room that they can use. If the room is under yours you’ll hear them without the monitor anyway! I don’t really see the issue

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 17:45

@mydogmylife He adored it. He is much more of a history buff than I am, loves showing people around, loves the village and how we are 10 minutes out of the city and 200m from river walks and open country.

The more I talk about this, the more I am sure the house is not the issue. DH has a history of depression and does say he is struggling atm. He just thinks a house move is the answer, whereas I worry it isn't the answer and would therefore put us at huge stress and disruption just to then live with having lost the house and DH still being depressed.

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MananaTomorrow · 23/01/2022 17:49

On a practical note, i will NEVER try to move with a toddler and 5 months old twins!!

This would be a nightmare to organise the move, then unpack etc….

If you want to move, at least wait until they slightly older and easier.

NoSquirrels · 23/01/2022 17:53

[quote JennyForeigner]@Nosquirrels This week! Which has bought things to something of a crisis. I keep saying give it a few weeks. He is pushing me to sell on the grounds that he KNOWS he won't feel differently. [/quote]
Tell him he’s indulging in catastrophic thinking, which can be a hallmark of depression and anxiety, and he needs to deal with that. CBT is very effective - find a private therapist.

Uprooting your entire family - when you’ve just had TWINS! - is not a rational response.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 18:07

@Nosquirrels Ah! Thank you, not a concept I was familiar with, but very much describes DH and his long-term anxiety. I couldn't understand why his 'answers' - move house - are reassuring, but mine - solve issues where we are - don't register.

If this is an anxiety-led pattern of thought then I am reassured that wanting to stay isn't being unkind, but is maybe just something I can see at the moment that he can't. And I think that then merits asking him to speak to his counsellor.

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JugglingJanuary · 23/01/2022 18:30

I've got a good friend who sounds a lot like your DH. It's wearing me out, because he jumps from one 'problem' to another and the 'solution' is always wildly impractical (& won't actually fix the problem).

If I were you, I'd simply say I'm NOT moving with the kids the ages they are. End of.

Don't discuss his you think it's his depression/anxiety talking or debate if moving would help or not, just say you're not doing it with them being so small.

By the time they're bigger he'd have been back at work a while and the kids will have different needs.

Personally I'd put the twins in the other room & have the eldest in our room.

If DH isn't getting any sleep can you look at putting a bed in one of the rooms downstairs for him?

I know that's probably going to be more work for you at night, but sometimes it just makes life better for everyone involved!

Goldbar · 23/01/2022 18:44

You're looking after 5 month old twins. That's your job atm. Not to deal with his shit.

Ignore him and crack on. Don't even entertain suggestions of moving. That would be unbelievably stressful for you at a time when you really don't need it.

The one real safety problem you have - the risk your eldest poses to the babies - can be solved by paying someone to knock up a wooden partition in the kids bedroom upstairs. Then put a tall stairgate/room divider over the babies' section to keep your toddler out.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 19:28

@Goldbar Good idea - my dad would happily knock up a partition any time we asked.

Everyone commenting: thanks again, this has been very helpful. DH wasn't listening, and when I really made him, somewhat sheepishly admitted that yes, he is struggling. Somewhere along the way he persuaded himself that finding the perfect forever home was something he could do. The only house we saw that was viable and not a big step down sold almost before we saw it and was taken down from Rightmove shortly afterwards. To DH, this seems to have been evidence that his dadly duty was to coach me through my reluctance, sell up here and then the Lord would provide a perfect house at just the right moment.

Typically male in being not entirely unendearing, or even unreasonable, but also ass-backwards, wrong-headed and a little ridiculous.

We've agreed we'll just work a little harder on finding coping strategies with the kids.

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Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 19:33

Particular thanks to @mamette for 'doing a geographical'

As soon as I realised it has a name I felt much better about not wanting it!

OP posts:
BigotSpigot · 23/01/2022 20:26

When we were growing up my sister and I shared a bedroom... it was awful. One Saturday my father built a partition wall, put a door in etc. so we had separate rooms. Why can't you just do that if it bothers you (but really the 3 year old will be fine downstairs). Your DH sounds like he is struggling, which is understandable with 3 under 3 with the last couple of years we have all had.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 23/01/2022 21:30

@Bigotspigot It's a function of the age of the house - our upstairs rooms go right up into the thatch so difficult practically, but also that we took out old dividing walls. Our conservation officer has been very clear they wouldn't allow us to reinstate something which was regarded as inappropriate to the house.

They can't stop something half height though, and it does sound as though we have been too nervous about being downstairs and the kids upstairs.

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endofthelinefinally · 23/01/2022 22:05

DH needs to see his doctor. You have enough on your plate and he needs to make an effort to help himself.

coronafiona · 23/01/2022 22:30

@JennyForeigner I have 8yo twins and an older sib who was 3 when they were born. We put twin together for 2.5 years so they didn't wake the eldest then they moved into proper beds (we are all tall) so split the twins and our eldest and a twin in bunk beds. Fours years ago we did a loft extension and now sleep on a different floor. I wouldn't have done it sooner because they were so young and wandering a night but they were fine aged 4.
I just thought I'd give you some timescales as to what you might be looking at to feel happy at sleeping upstairs.

Original poster
JennyForeigner · 24/01/2022 09:07

@coronafiona Thanks, I had wondered about that.

We may be able to laugh about this in future, but right now I and all three kids have stinking colds and spent all of Saturday being dragged around the houses that haven't sold for a year in a national property hotspot.

DH was sure we could make something of that damp cottage, with the terrifying concrete steps down to the main street and perfectly positioned behind the air outlet from the chip shop and the dodgy finance co...

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Embracelife · 24/01/2022 11:45

Stop going round houses
Grass is greener- well no
You busy enough
Tell dh you are not doing this any more , you will find ways to live with what you have
Weekends are family time not househunting
He has to accept you stayput til dc older
And see his doctor

endofthelinefinally · 24/01/2022 12:10

It sounds as if your children will love the house when they are older. My boys liked being up in the loft.

endofthelinefinally · 24/01/2022 12:13

This isn't really a property problem OP. I think it is more to do with mental health/relationships tbh.

Toanewstart22 · 24/01/2022 12:14

Lovely home
Parents that don’t seem to like one another and both unhappy

Outnumbered99 · 24/01/2022 12:15

I'm glad your DH seems to be admitting he needs to get some help OP. I've worked from home for years and also suffer with my MH, and having the workplace at home, always "there" like a beacon is a real drain on me. We've made massive efforts to keep work areas seperate and it has helped.
Best of luck to you i hope things improve soon. And twins and a toddler- youre both doing better than you think you are i guarantee it

Caspianberg · 24/01/2022 12:18

If the rooms are huge, they all fit surely?

3 year old and 5 month old twins.
Keep the twins in your room another year for sleeping. By then they will be 18 months and 4 year old and can all share.
They can still share the room now for toys and clothing etc daytime.

Bedroom downstairs as playroom as they don’t need loads of bedroom space each anyway.

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