Privacy Living Next To ILs

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

So, I live right next door to my ILs, MIL and FIL and little SIL. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements about how much space and privacy is needed (aka calling and visiting and controlling too much) but I’ve started taking matters into my own hands and need a little help.

They own the land we’re on but not the home (they actually were going to sell my husband the land, but took back the offer after we’d bought the home on it and moved in, because they ‘don’t trust us not to sell it’). The true reason (i think because it has been heavily implied) is they want to own it when we have kids so they have say in whether we get a fence and can come when they please. That, and, it gives them a reason to come over to get things, feed their pets, and a place to store anything that’s not pretty enough for their new yard like trash and broken outdoor toys.

Obviously I don’t like this and have made an effort of respectfully cleaning the place up, but I still feel have no space and privacy and a little left over betrayal from the bait and switch they pulled.

That aside, I’m trying to find ways to create space and privacy without slighting them. I’m not allowed a fence, to move things like their dog houses, to use the storage buildings, but I’ve been working to make the space more my own and private so maybe they’ll come around and finally move out their things like they’d promised a lot. And yes, they do build new things down here that make it hard to separate our lives like a trash trailer for their trash to wait to be towed off. Truth is, they don’t use the things they store down here regularly like they did when they themselves lived here, so I think it’s just a hard headed refusal to give into the requests of a dead feud.

But, I’ve attempted by adding a gate to my front porch so SIL and pets won’t run on it, a small fence separating the swing set and driveway for both SIL’s safety and a little division of yards, and a secluded sitting area. I’ve also organized as much of their things that I could in a central area. Im running out of ideas to respectfully create the space and privacy i need and would love opinions and recommendations— what do I do? Am I being silly? If you experienced this, how did you cope? Living close is maddening enough without them in my day to day (which they try to be haha).

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. How can they own the land yet you own the house? Another nightmare. Can you sell and move? I would.

I would sell the bloody house and move! That'll show them.

However, I also understand the complexities of family....so my advice is this.

Lock doors when you're inside so they cannot come in.
Don't open the door if they knock and you don't want to see them.
If they peer through windows, ignore them.
If they tackle you about this, act daft and repeat "What do you mean?" in a whiny voice so they can't get an argument out of you...then leave the room/area they're in.
Put up a fence.
JUST PUT IT UP.

If they tear it down then they're arseholes and it's time to leave. Sell up. Whatever.

@Aquamarine1029

This sounds like an absolute nightmare. How can they own the land yet you own the house? Another nightmare. Can you sell and move? I would.

It’s a mobile home that’s too old to move :( I would love to sell and move but they made DH promise them before he bought it that’s he’d never sell it or rent it out. If we did there would forever be bad blood and DH would honestly never offend his parents to that degree or break his word— even tho that promise was made when we were going to own land too so I consider the matter futile as far as they’re concerned. I’m sorry I’m ranting haha. It’s just a situation that makes my head spin

The fact is though, that if you were to divorce, the home is considered half yours. So it's ridiculous for you to have no say at all.

If you left, you could force him to sell it....probably back to his own parents...and then you'd have half the money. But an old mobile home won't be worth anything! What did he pay?

Why on earth did you pay for a worthless piece of shit mobile home on someone else's land???

What possessed you both??

It's worthless if it can't be moved to another site.

You've been conned.

Seek legal advice about getting out of there.

In-laws broke their promise so DH can break his.
I'm guessing he won't, tho.

It sounds like you're doing well with dealing with their stuff.
Get a long term plan to move elsewhere, if you can't afford to do it now.

@Gingernaut

Why on earth did you pay for a worthless piece of shit mobile home on someone else's land???

What possessed you both??

It's worthless if it can't be moved to another site.

You've been conned.

Seek legal advice about getting out of there.

We were young and dumb (married at 18) and listening to bad parental advice (that benefited them) :( we have mentioned squatters rights, the land could be ours in 10years if they don’t hand it over just because we live on it and pay the taxes… however, it put us in a financial rut since we paid for nothingness and we’re saving to get a new place now.

@TiddlesTheTiger

In-laws broke their promise so DH can break his. I'm guessing he won't, tho.

It sounds like you're doing well with dealing with their stuff.
Get a long term plan to move elsewhere, if you can't afford to do it now.

He’s a better person than me— he won’t break his word.

Thank you! We are, hopefully it’ll come faster than planned :)

@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous - I would either ask them if they would let you have more privacy - so e.g. could you have a designated area around the caravan which is yours and the rest of the land - up to them - then you could perhaps put up some bamboo or trees in pots to shield you a bit. or as @FortunesFave says a little fence round to give you your own space rather than their land. Most normal people I would think would be happy with this - but maybe they aren't.

Otherwise as with @TiddlesTheTiger - & indeed as you have said - keep quiet and consider the caravan sunk cost & save up for somewhere else. And then you can have a lovely celebratory drink with them in the caravan when you tell them you have found your own flat / house .

@FortunesFave

I would sell the bloody house and move! That'll show them.

However, I also understand the complexities of family....so my advice is this.

Lock doors when you're inside so they cannot come in.
Don't open the door if they knock and you don't want to see them.
If they peer through windows, ignore them.
If they tackle you about this, act daft and repeat "What do you mean?" in a whiny voice so they can't get an argument out of you...then leave the room/area they're in.
Put up a fence.
JUST PUT IT UP.

If they tear it down then they're arseholes and it's time to leave. Sell up. Whatever.

Hahaha I wish I could 😅

Thank you, I try my best to ignore but they pipe up and comment on our day to day (one time FIL literally stopped and asked DH why she was getting the car door for me!!). Feels like I’m on TV lol. They used to have secret keys to our house but I changed the locks!

Im convincing DH rn that we need a fence, wish me luck!! Already have the chain link and poles ready lol

You need to move asap. What's your financial position?

[quote BasiliskStare]**@MrsMissusAnonAnonymous* - I would either ask them if they would let you have more privacy - so e.g. could you have a designated area around the caravan which is yours and the rest of the land - up to them - then you could perhaps put up some bamboo or trees in pots to shield you a bit. or as @FortunesFave* says a little fence round to give you your own space rather than their land. Most normal people I would think would be happy with this - but maybe they aren't.

Otherwise as with @TiddlesTheTiger - & indeed as you have said - keep quiet and consider the caravan sunk cost & save up for somewhere else. And then you can have a lovely celebratory drink with them in the caravan when you tell them you have found your own flat / house .[/quote]
The told us the only designated space we could have is right next to our front porch where bushes grow to block our living room window— to give privacy as they put it. They actually had storage propped again the back of our house that I recently moved and placed the seating area because I was tired of being in my dining room and getting company outside my window.

That sounds like a lovely celebration, i shall look forward to that and thank you so much for your advice! Though, they refuse to come into our home as they’re too good now, so perhaps we’ll have a celebratory drink in the yard i never got to own!! Haha, all jokes. Thank, the picture brightened my day :)

@CheddarGorgeous

You need to move asap. What's your financial position?

Not likely. Both in college, building an emergency fund :/

He’s a better person than me— he won’t break his word.

That's not being the better person....that's being scared of your parents even though your wife is suffering.

Dog houses, trash trailer, yard....,.
Is this in the UK?

Other than that, living in an old mobile home that you can't sell surrounded by such unreasonable people.... I can't understand why you haven't already left and made a new life for yourself?

If this was me I'd tell them that they either adhere to their promise to sell you the land or you will sell the house, move away and they won't see you for dust.
But I suspect your husband won't do this and that makes him a big part of the problem. If you don't fix it now, your in-laws will forever view you as children and will take over your lives.
I'd also get legal advice asap.

Or you can quietly save and then just leave, without being tied to them geographically at all. Don't have children until you are completely financially and physically independent

I think you and your OH need to decide together what your priorities are. You’re both teenagers in college and as you’ll no doubt be aware from your fellow classmates, teenage students don’t generally have the means to live in their own homes in total privacy: they live in their bedrooms at their parents’ homes or they live in student dorms or they live in usually pretty basic houseshares with several of their peers.

You and your OH are trying to both be students and also play at being married independent grownups - but without having the means to be independent in the way you’d like. Do you want the independence most? Then perhaps one or both of you needs to agree that you can’t afford to be a student right now and prioritise earning money so you can move and pay rent elsewhere. Do your want to study the most? Well, then like other young people, to some extent you just have to grit your teeth and suck up that living on land belonging to your in laws - and presumably therefore living more cheaply than if you had to rent land or a property elsewhere - is always going to involve the compromise of having to live on their terms and under their eye.

As an aside to that, as is commonly said around here - you don’t have an in-laws problem, you have an OH problem. You’re 19 and have shackled yourself to a man who’s making it clear that mummy and daddy will always be more important than you and he’ll put their feelings above yours to keep the peace. Do you want another six or seven decades of that?

@FortunesFave

He’s a better person than me— he won’t break his word.

That's not being the better person....that's being scared of your parents even though your wife is suffering.

I promise he’s not. He really is a man of his word and does not want unnecessary conflict that he knows they’d blame on me. He’s already told them once we’re ready to have kids, if they don’t hand over the land we’re out of here (his mother’s worst fear). He stands by me as much as he can without being evicted by his parents.

@Dougieowner

Dog houses, trash trailer, yard....,. Is this in the UK?

Other than that, living in an old mobile home that you can't sell surrounded by such unreasonable people.... I can't understand why you haven't already left and made a new life for yourself?

You caught me haha. It’s not. I’m in the US— countryside.

I love my DH and Im hanging on for the day we pack our bags and ignore the calls because they can’t control anything anymore. That, or the day they have a rude awakening when we just take them to court for the land… I’d rather be miles away tho :)

@Aderyn21

If this was me I'd tell them that they either adhere to their promise to sell you the land or you will sell the house, move away and they won't see you for dust. But I suspect your husband won't do this and that makes him a big part of the problem. If you don't fix it now, your in-laws will forever view you as children and will take over your lives. I'd also get legal advice asap.

Honestly… I wish o could but these people swear up and down they never said any of that and even involved other family in the argument to basically cancel me out because I’m not blood. Of course, they pretended DH was a lost puppy who needed to be shown the way… not a husband supporting his wife.

They do view as children and it’s absolutely maddening. I hate it. They try to control and take everything… ugh. Unfortunately, I doubt DH wants to take legal action against his own parents (understandable) so that’s not a solution I can really dream by.

@Aderyn21

Or you can quietly save and then just leave, without being tied to them geographically at all. Don't have children until you are completely financially and physically independent

Agreed!! Done told DH and MIL (much to her dismay) I will NEVER have children til I own everything I live on.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think you and your OH need to decide together what your priorities are. You’re both teenagers in college and as you’ll no doubt be aware from your fellow classmates, teenage students don’t generally have the means to live in their own homes in total privacy: they live in their bedrooms at their parents’ homes or they live in student dorms or they live in usually pretty basic houseshares with several of their peers.

You and your OH are trying to both be students and also play at being married independent grownups - but without having the means to be independent in the way you’d like. Do you want the independence most? Then perhaps one or both of you needs to agree that you can’t afford to be a student right now and prioritise earning money so you can move and pay rent elsewhere. Do your want to study the most? Well, then like other young people, to some extent you just have to grit your teeth and suck up that living on land belonging to your in laws - and presumably therefore living more cheaply than if you had to rent land or a property elsewhere - is always going to involve the compromise of having to live on their terms and under their eye.

As an aside to that, as is commonly said around here - you don’t have an in-laws problem, you have an OH problem. You’re 19 and have shackled yourself to a man who’s making it clear that mummy and daddy will always be more important than you and he’ll put their feelings above yours to keep the peace. Do you want another six or seven decades of that?

Well, we would gladly prioritize moving if it wasn’t such a financial disadvantage. We both need schooling, and, as we want a brood of kids, a house. Renting around here, especially as of late, is risky and expensive.

The thing is— I just wish we could take the land, build a wall, and throw our phones over it. No more ILs for years. I just don’t see why living next door means I’m their child— he’s their child— and how dare we not consult mommy and daddy about moving the drive a little to the left or which position is best to conceive!!? If I were them— especially as baby crazy as them— I’d give me space!! Afterall, we’re newlyweds!

Im sorry, but i don’t think DH’s get enough credit in situations like this— I have never said he has never fought for me or stood up to them (which I apologize if it seemed that way). Trust me, there has been war. But they have an upper hand we can’t beat!! They own everything that matters! Everything of value! Don’t get me wrong, DH and I have fought over this mess too… but I’d rather us be united against his parents— for this goal, than at eachother’s necks as I like to imagine his awful parents want.

Sorry… it’s just a little sore as of late, this issue. We both work and school and it feels everything in life is in place but them. Thanks

@FortunesFave

The fact is though, that if you were to divorce, the home is considered half yours. So it's ridiculous for you to have no say at all.

If you left, you could force him to sell it....probably back to his own parents...and then you'd have half the money. But an old mobile home won't be worth anything! What did he pay?

Perhaps. However, I’m not leaving. I don’t know how much he paid— we weren’t married then. His parents would never buy that dump back (yes, referring to my rundown house)😅 enough for the loss to be substantial even now :(

Whatever happens @MrsMissusAnonAnonymousMrs - I wish you well - good to hear you and Dh are on the same side . Keep sticking up for yourself ( certainly bins at the back I would be team Anonymous & say can we have some private space ) Otherwise I would keep quiet and decide what you really want - but my point above - there may be a point at which this caravan is sunk cost - I did it many many years ago ( not a caravan but to pay negative equity to get out a relationship ) - never looked back.