Privacy Living Next To ILs

[MrsMissusAnonAnonymous]

So, I live right next door to my ILs, MIL and FIL and little SIL. We’ve had our fair share of disagreements about how much space and privacy is needed (aka calling and visiting and controlling too much) but I’ve started taking matters into my own hands and need a little help.

They own the land we’re on but not the home (they actually were going to sell my husband the land, but took back the offer after we’d bought the home on it and moved in, because they ‘don’t trust us not to sell it’). The true reason (i think because it has been heavily implied) is they want to own it when we have kids so they have say in whether we get a fence and can come when they please. That, and, it gives them a reason to come over to get things, feed their pets, and a place to store anything that’s not pretty enough for their new yard like trash and broken outdoor toys.

Obviously I don’t like this and have made an effort of respectfully cleaning the place up, but I still feel have no space and privacy and a little left over betrayal from the bait and switch they pulled.

That aside, I’m trying to find ways to create space and privacy without slighting them. I’m not allowed a fence, to move things like their dog houses, to use the storage buildings, but I’ve been working to make the space more my own and private so maybe they’ll come around and finally move out their things like they’d promised a lot. And yes, they do build new things down here that make it hard to separate our lives like a trash trailer for their trash to wait to be towed off. Truth is, they don’t use the things they store down here regularly like they did when they themselves lived here, so I think it’s just a hard headed refusal to give into the requests of a dead feud.

But, I’ve attempted by adding a gate to my front porch so SIL and pets won’t run on it, a small fence separating the swing set and driveway for both SIL’s safety and a little division of yards, and a secluded sitting area. I’ve also organized as much of their things that I could in a central area. Im running out of ideas to respectfully create the space and privacy i need and would love opinions and recommendations— what do I do? Am I being silly? If you experienced this, how did you cope? Living close is maddening enough without them in my day to day (which they try to be haha).

Set it on fire and love with the insurance money?🙄

Move even!

I don’t know how much he paid— we weren’t married then.

Well this is just bizarre. You're married but you've never once discussed what he paid for the place? I hope you have access to a joint bank account OP. Do you?

@Gingernaut

Why on earth did you pay for a worthless piece of shit mobile home on someone else's land???

What possessed you both??

It's worthless if it can't be moved to another site.

You've been conned.

Seek legal advice about getting out of there.

What @Gingernaut said. What a con. Make it your priority to get advice and move.

@BasiliskStare

Whatever happens *@MrsMissusAnonAnonymousMrs* - I wish you well - good to hear you and Dh are on the same side . Keep sticking up for yourself ( certainly bins at the back I would be team Anonymous & say can we have some private space ) Otherwise I would keep quiet and decide what you really want - but my point above - there may be a point at which this caravan is sunk cost - I did it many many years ago ( not a caravan but to pay negative equity to get out a relationship ) - never looked back.

Thank you!! DH didn’t really understand the importance of space seeing as he never had it from them, but, as of late, we’ve barely had time for eachother with school and work so I don’t think him backing that will be an issue :) thanks!

@EbonanzaScrooge

Set it on fire and love with the insurance money?🙄

If only😂

Are you the same OP that has a competitive SIL and an overbearing MIL who eggs it on? If so you really need to leave, f the bad blood, they treat you badly as it is.

You have been conned, that 'house' is worth nothing.

It can't be moved, it can't be sold, you don't own the land. I'd love to know what he paid for it.

You must view whatever DH spent on the house as a sunk cost and move forward from where you are.

How old are you OP?

Lots of young couples don't own a house or land. Many of us start with nothing (or worse, a mountain of debt). Go out and build your own life from scratch.

Why would you want to own that land? That land specifically? The land right next to these enmeshed bizarre shifty people? That land should be worth less than nothing to you.

You could not pay me enough to live on a property adjoining my in laws place. I'm surprised you don't feel the same way. Are they helpful to you at all? Supportive?

Do not have children until you have lived as independent adults, away from his parents. Make your own decisions, solve your own problems.

Why are you even discussing baby plans with your mother in law? It's none of her business. She seems like someone who has trouble understanding what is and is not her business so you need to be extra clear in your own mind about these things or the relationship will implode. This vibe of her her wanting you to be living in her garden, unable to move away, having babies- it's like you're a pet she is hoping to breed!

I think you've just accepted that this is your life, it's your job to please the in laws, your role to stay in this home and this lifestyle. But you're young, don't waste it on this. Do what you want.

What do you actually legally own? A caravan that is stuck on someone else’s land so you cannot sell it or rent it out? It sounds like you haven’t paid anything for your accommodation yourself, if you’re living on land belonging to someone else, in a caravan your husband bought before you met him. If so it sounds very cheeky for you to be putting up fences on someone else’s land, it doesn’t sound like you have much legal right to actually even be there without their permission, at least that’s how it would be in the U.K. I think. Do you pay rent? Any kind of tenancy agreement? Is it a separate plot of land legally in terms of utilities connections and taxes that you have separate bills for from the main property?

You clearly don’t like your in-laws at all, so the decent thing to do really would be to move to your own accommodation and stop living (for free?) on their land whilst slagging them off, to be honest. If that’s not an option for whatever reason then try to be the bigger person, stop having a “war” over things you cannot control and work towards making it an option.

I really really hope that you are using at least two methods of reliable contraception. You are a train wreck waiting to happen.

@GalaxyPostcard

Are you the same OP that has a competitive SIL and an overbearing MIL who eggs it on? If so you really need to leave, f the bad blood, they treat you badly as it is.

That’s me🤦‍♀️ We’re moving as soon as we can and I’ve cut as much contact as living next door can allow. Don’t text, call, or even wave hello! Wish me luck :)

@Contactmap

I really really hope that you are using at least two methods of reliable contraception. You are a train wreck waiting to happen.

Actually stopped birth control before we got married due to side effects but I recently told DH that I want to try something new as I REFUSE to fall pregnant and be stuck here. I prefer to say my situation is a train wreck tho, thanks

@FortunesFave

I don’t know how much he paid— we weren’t married then.

Well this is just bizarre. You're married but you've never once discussed what he paid for the place? I hope you have access to a joint bank account OP. Do you?

We do have a joint account. Turns out he paid half the worth. I avoid the topic because it makes me bitter thinking about how we were a little conned (and they wouldn’t let me move in till 2 days before the wedding even tho they’d been out for months).

I just don’t see why living next door means I’m their child— he’s their child— and how dare we not consult mommy and daddy about moving the drive a little to the left or which position is best to conceive!!? If I were them— especially as baby crazy as them— I’d give me space!! Afterall, we’re newlyweds!

I mean… all else aside, perfectly “normal” in-laws go a bit bonkers when kids get involved. Mine live and hour away and have been overbearing nightmares since we told them I’m pregnant, it’s been tough. They are very excited and tend to just turn up now, and call all the time. They try to be helpful and want to be involved, but don’t go about it well. If they lived next door, I’d have lost my mind.

You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place here. You own a beaten up caravan on someone else’s land… and the someone else is heavily invested in your life and controlling it.

You & DH need a plan. For me that would be one of you earning enough to live elsewhere. Renting is expensive in most places; I’ve done it, and insecure by its very nature… but it’s also part of growing up. If you don’t want that, you need to talk about what you DO want. Because right now you’re fantasizing about buying the land and them backing off, which is massively unlikely, and it doesn’t sound like your husband is ever going to be able to stick up for you… so really you’re on a one way path to nowhere. He can’t upset them, he doesn’t want to upset you… so the status quo suits him.

I don’t think I could stay with a partner who expected me to live this way due to his bad decisions and strange family dynamics. Sorry but I’d be making plans to leave on my own and cut my losses. This would be unbearable for me.

@GalaxyPostcard

Are you the same OP that has a competitive SIL and an overbearing MIL who eggs it on? If so you really need to leave, f the bad blood, they treat you badly as it is.

That is me :/ truly why I couldn’t stand the closeness— if they’d chill I’d be fine but with them they want constant connection and drama.

@TakeYourFinalPosition

I just don’t see why living next door means I’m their child— he’s their child— and how dare we not consult mommy and daddy about moving the drive a little to the left or which position is best to conceive!!? If I were them— especially as baby crazy as them— I’d give me space!! Afterall, we’re newlyweds!

I mean… all else aside, perfectly “normal” in-laws go a bit bonkers when kids get involved. Mine live and hour away and have been overbearing nightmares since we told them I’m pregnant, it’s been tough. They are very excited and tend to just turn up now, and call all the time. They try to be helpful and want to be involved, but don’t go about it well. If they lived next door, I’d have lost my mind.

You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place here. You own a beaten up caravan on someone else’s land… and the someone else is heavily invested in your life and controlling it.

You & DH need a plan. For me that would be one of you earning enough to live elsewhere. Renting is expensive in most places; I’ve done it, and insecure by its very nature… but it’s also part of growing up. If you don’t want that, you need to talk about what you DO want. Because right now you’re fantasizing about buying the land and them backing off, which is massively unlikely, and it doesn’t sound like your husband is ever going to be able to stick up for you… so really you’re on a one way path to nowhere. He can’t upset them, he doesn’t want to upset you… so the status quo suits him.

Well, the thing is, I’m not pregnant and there is no LO. MIL pressures a lot for us to start, and that is her whole reason why we’re not a allowed to have a fence; she wants to be able to look out and see everything with future LO, wants them to come over whenever they please…

My husband’s in a really hard place with his parents being essentially our landlords. And, no, I don’t want the land as I used to— before I realized what all comes with— what I crave is the space and privacy to our own lives we’re promised time and time again. DH and I are saving, i posted this asking for recommendations to make now more ‘regular’… that is all :)

@mrsjhalpert

I don’t think I could stay with a partner who expected me to live this way due to his bad decisions and strange family dynamics. Sorry but I’d be making plans to leave on my own and cut my losses. This would be unbearable for me.

It is a temporary situation neither of us realized would be this way. We’re working towards leaving.

@DifferentHair

You have been conned, that 'house' is worth nothing.

It can't be moved, it can't be sold, you don't own the land. I'd love to know what he paid for it.

You must view whatever DH spent on the house as a sunk cost and move forward from where you are.

How old are you OP?

Lots of young couples don't own a house or land. Many of us start with nothing (or worse, a mountain of debt). Go out and build your own life from scratch.

Why would you want to own that land? That land specifically? The land right next to these enmeshed bizarre shifty people? That land should be worth less than nothing to you.

You could not pay me enough to live on a property adjoining my in laws place. I'm surprised you don't feel the same way. Are they helpful to you at all? Supportive?

Do not have children until you have lived as independent adults, away from his parents. Make your own decisions, solve your own problems.

Why are you even discussing baby plans with your mother in law? It's none of her business. She seems like someone who has trouble understanding what is and is not her business so you need to be extra clear in your own mind about these things or the relationship will implode. This vibe of her her wanting you to be living in her garden, unable to move away, having babies- it's like you're a pet she is hoping to breed!

I think you've just accepted that this is your life, it's your job to please the in laws, your role to stay in this home and this lifestyle. But you're young, don't waste it on this. Do what you want.

He paid half the ‘worth’— meaning what it was worth when they bought it shiny and new. I’m 19. We want to— we’re saving to leave and make life away from them. They want this whole extended family dynamic— they tried to get BIL to move in across the street— grandparents are across the street, and aunt is next door… very communal.

In the beginning I wanted the land because that was promised and it was a harsh burn to get a bait and switch once I was married in— then basically treated as second class til DH put his foot down. I don’t want it the slightest now. They’re not helpful or supportive unless it guarantees all of the time we should be spending together; we mention one favor and get phone called multiple times a day for a week and a half for theirs. So I don’t ask for help. They want the codependency and I don’t.

MIL and i went through a ‘close’ period where I was essentially trying to make things better living next to them by foraging a bond and respect, and that’s when she really pushed those topics. I’ll admit— although I should have said nothing- I got enjoyment out of letting her know I don’t want kids for years until we move because it’s the thing that most of the silly rules are based on. She does have boundary issues and I assure you I sometimes feel as though I’m her special breeding dog— she made a joke at a huge family dinner that I had ‘no choice but to have granbabies for her soon’ — DH yelled at her.

I go back and forth on accepting it. I just want to be at peace in my home. Deep down, i don’t want this life. It’s why DH and I are saving.

@LemonViolet

What do you actually legally own? A caravan that is stuck on someone else’s land so you cannot sell it or rent it out? It sounds like you haven’t paid anything for your accommodation yourself, if you’re living on land belonging to someone else, in a caravan your husband bought before you met him. If so it sounds very cheeky for you to be putting up fences on someone else’s land, it doesn’t sound like you have much legal right to actually even be there without their permission, at least that’s how it would be in the U.K. I think. Do you pay rent? Any kind of tenancy agreement? Is it a separate plot of land legally in terms of utilities connections and taxes that you have separate bills for from the main property?

You clearly don’t like your in-laws at all, so the decent thing to do really would be to move to your own accommodation and stop living (for free?) on their land whilst slagging them off, to be honest. If that’s not an option for whatever reason then try to be the bigger person, stop having a “war” over things you cannot control and work towards making it an option.

We own the home. They were going to sell the land but took the offer back last minute and swore they’d never sell it to us out of fear we’d sell. It’s two separate plots- side by side. We pay everything for ‘our plot’. Bills, taxes- everything. It’s legal in the US, and it is basically a rent situation except they have filed absolutely no agreements with us (as they change their minds a lot and don’t want some rules set in stone). And, because initially it would have been ours till they changed their mind and broke their promise right after the move. We haven’t changed— they knew and agreed upon that when we moved in we wanted a fence and distance. But we’re powerless since they’re the owners and suddenly ‘forgot’ every conversation ever.

It’s not that I don’t like them- they’re fun and can be sweet and perfectly helpful— at a distance. Too close and they become entitled and demanding and don’t respect boundaries. I mean- these people look in my windows when they’re uncovered shamelessly! I loved them before I moved next door despite the fact things did get rocky a few times (i naively worked for them and it resulted in them beginning considering me more a servant than DH’s future wife). Trust me. I want out of this codependent rut and take no joy in any amount of freeloading that this situation entails, but we’re saving and I simply posted asking advice as to how to make it bearable for now and specially explained that a fence is not allowed.

It’s just been a lot of bending to their will and mood swings and trying to not be butthurt about it in the meantime. So I wanted a change :) I def agree tho— I can’t wait till all of that IS an option!

Why all the smiley faces OP? This isn't a laughing matter is it?

@squashyhat

Why all the smiley faces OP? This isn't a laughing matter is it?

Let’s not be rude. I’m not talking to my IL, I’m talking to people who took the time to give me advice. I’m thankful for them

Hi, OP here. Thank you all a lot for your advice and perspectives. I do want to clarify that we are saving to move; i was asking how I could make the meantime more pleasant while respecting IL’s wishes.

That aside, good news! I don’t know if the no contact gave them a change of heart, the long walks through our yard, or us being away all the time, but they are moving their things onto their plot and ok’d a fence to DH (although that’s not on paper)! They’re still not handing over the land but they also understand we’re saving to leave. They have also stopped with the constant contact. Things are looking up and hopefully they stay that way. Cheers!

How much is a fence? If it’s as expensive as in the U.K. you may be better off saving the money so you can move quicker. Please do not buy the land, even if they do offer it or you’ll never escape.

I think op already has fencing materials to hand.

OP my advice is save every dollar and cent you can and move as quickly as humanly possible. Far enough away that they can't just drop by when they feel like it, but not so far that they have to stay with you when they visit.