I think I may have messed my entire life up in one day...

[Peppapigforlife]

I know that it will get better, but right now it feels catastrophic.

Long story so I'm grateful if you make it all the way through.

I'm a single mum to a toddler who is three in May.
We had a two bedroom ground floor flat which the council moved us into two years ago, from freezing cold emergency accomodation, when I fled her abusive father in The USA, and a chaotic living situation in a shelter there.
The flat was lovely. Spacious, very warm, light and quiet. However, the council moved us into it without carpets (concrete floor), curtain poles and undecorated and I had no furniture. The second bedroom was a box room and had damp and cold and I felt like I couldn't be there forever, as DD got bigger.
With a clingy breastfeeding baby who wouldn't be put down, I managed to get some things sorted, like a mattress and I used my £500 maternity grant to get carpets, which was very lucky, and social services got me an oven. I managed to get funding for a fridge and washing machine. A few people gave me second hand things like a TV, sofas some drawers.
About a year after moving in, some relatives put some curtain poles up for me and I was able to have curtains and privacy. They painted three of the rooms for me and the rest were in a bad state. It was really tough because of my daughter's clinginess I couldn't get anything done myself and just had to wait for people to be available.
I started to feel settled in the home but the area was also quite desolate. Only one tiny shop that was open until 5pm or 2pm depending on different times of the year and not much in there except ready meals and sweets. I don't drive, and it was atop a hill. Some of the neighbours were outside fighting quite a bit and the whole thing started weighing on me to the point where even as my daughter became more independent, I ran out of energy to decorate the rest of the house and it started to lead me into a hole of depression. I didn't have a single friend there and my local family would only pop by once every couple of weeks or once every few weeks. The buses to go anywhere to see anyone local were about 7.40 return or 4.50 return depending on if I crossed a town threshold.

I joined houseswapper to see if anything closer to relatives came up.

Eventually something did come up where I was contacted but it was in a completely different part of the county, but it was also the city I went to university in and had felt happy in years ago.

I viewed the house and it seemed great and I agreed to swap. It didn't need decorating, other than to put my own touch to it. (The first flat had dark brown walls in the corridor and walls with dirt and patchy different paint colours all over them and lots of holes in the wall). The second bedroom was a lot bigger, and it had more space for toys, which used to drive me a bit insane.
It just seemed to make sense, as my local relatives near the flat weren't making an effort, and I have friends in the new city, and it's a younger median age, so I'd meet more new people on my wavelength, and it had a farm shop nearby so I could get groceries easier. I just felt isolated and cut off from shops in the old flat.
(Sorry a lot of backstory, just wanted to share the details properly).
However, I still felt settled in the flat, despite the isolation, dodgy neighbours, depression and decorating I needed to do. I felt like all the effort I had put into it, meant something and that it could grow into something better if I gave it time and patience. If I could find a job to get a car and get about more , or if I just accepted the lack of socialising.
I decided to go ahead with the move, as the couple seemed desperate to get out of their house, due to disability and the stairs, and they also offered me a grand towards the cost of moving and decorating, so it seemed sensible to move to a better area for the long term.

They put pressure on me to move before Christmas, despite me not wanting to. I wanted to enjoy Christmas as my DD was getting older and more aware and have enough time to take my time with the packing and cleaning, and to be able to find a nursery as well, as the local one to the new house was full. However, she kicked up such a fuss İ thought İ might lose my grand, and İ gave in.

With a lot of stress and take aways and late nights, I got everything ready by Friday evening and had my van scheduled for Saturday morning of the agreed swap date. He showed up and I'd also enlisted the help of an aunt and a friend and my DD was going to my mum's for the day. I didn't want her to have to see the stuff she is attached to being taken by removal men or having to be in the chaos of us getting everything ready in the new house. I don't like her going to my mum's if I can help it because my mum smokes indoors and has bipolar but I sucked it up and promised myself after the move, she wouldn't go there again, that I'd be more settled and wouldn't need any nights off.
We got to the new house ready to swap over and, after telling me that they'd been packed for weeks and weeks and putting pressure on me to hurry up with the move, the couple weren't finished. There was still food in the cupboards and fridge and random objects scattered around which hadn't been packed away, like a big cluster of saucepans. It was chaos. All my stuff was put in the shed. I went in to try and help them pack the food up. The lady was disabled and was sitting on the sofa, the husband was 70 and had been moving and packing their collosal amount of stuff for weeks, including about five trips with boxes of stuff to my house the week before. He had been having funny turns and was too weak to do any more on the morning of the move. The removal man (who had been hired by the couple to do their move as well as mine) grumbled loudly about the state of it all and the lady got defensive and said 'EXCUSE ME, I am Disabled!' the removal man said I'm not moving you with that attitude and refused to do their job. He phoned for another company for her, got the last of my stuff in, and left. He text me throughout the day to see how we were getting on and today he said 'sorry, but the woman was vile'. He said one of the companies he tried for her, said 'not a chance, she is vile', and she would be known as she has swapped houses year after year.
In the end the couple didn't leave until 11pm and so I had to go and stay at my mum's house (who I don't get on with, as she has her equally vile tendencies), and lie in bed trying to sleep to the smell of stale cigarettes and unwashed sheets.
I was so stressed that when I saw my mum smoking next to my daughter I lost the plot and had a go at her. She said she could do what she wanted in her own home and called me names and İ shouted back and told her to leave us alone and left with my daughter. I know, I was behaving as vilely as everyone else, but I've never been so stressed in my life. All the people who were there to help me move had had to go back to different places to get on with work or studying and couldn't help me today. Because we didn't get the couples stuff out during the day, my belongings never got further than the shed and furniture scattered around randomly wherever it could fit.
They haven't given me the 1k promised yet as they had to use half of it to pay for the last minute new removal company which was a lot more expensive. I had to pay for a taxi to get here from my mum's which was £40 and I used the last of my savings to pay the van man and get food from a pub as I had nowhere to go whilst we tried to find a van company for the couple.
I'm now in a filthy house (they didn't clean either, after I spent a week deep cleaning my old house and hoovering every inch as the last boxes came out) on my own, with a toddler, with all my stuff in boxes in a shed and no structure whatsoever in the whole house and have no one to help me get sorted.
It just feels like my entire stability and life, which I had worked so hard to get, after years of abuse and homelessness, has been pulled away from me. I don't even know where to start. I've had a couple of offers of potential help, later in the week, but I just thought we would have been all moved in, clean, organised and peaceful by the end of yesterday. We arrived at the property by 11am yesterday and still, nothing is done. Im just drained, on top of it all.
I know there's no other suggestion, other than keep on going slowly and doing whatever I can, but it just feels so unfair, that I'm in the crap, whilst the couple who created all this chaos, are sitting happily and sorted out in my nice flat , that I'm missing the stability and familiarity of terribly of right now. Despite the loneliness I felt there, I was in love with the place, after all the work I had put into it. I will say something to the council about it tomorrow, but I doubt there's much they can do.

I just feel so bad about my daughter, who wasn't meant to have to entertain herself whilst I try and run around like crazy, cleaning up filth and moving furniture. Still have to plumb the washing machine in and all sorts. İ can't even sleep because i just feel like im breathing in all their fifth.

I also feel the same about your future! You seem very level headed and know what's right. You know your worth after some sad situations. Most of all you seem like a great mum which puts you on the right path for your future! I keep coming back to read your updates! X

Thanks @piney07 and @Olive60! It still feels such a mess in my head but it's probably just the anxiety of it potentially not turning out great after all the upsets. Also yesterday I found a bag of my stuff the couple put in the dampest furthest corner of the shed which I'd asked them to put in the larder when we were exchanging boxes and it has been eaten through by maggots. Bleurgh. So little things like that keep putting me off each job but I'll get there. I'm hoping once it's all done to the basics, I can go back to some kind of work like selling on eBay or something and get enough money to make it feel really really homely. I'm itching to get to that point because I've saved so many photos of decor ideas. I've gotten out the house today and that helps me to feel more optimistic about it!

Thanks @MyOtherProfile too, I didn't see your response!

It's a marathon not a sprint!

In all honesty by living in a new place several months you may have better ideas of what the perfect furniture and furnishings will be.

How the changes between winter and summer and the furniture that works best for how you use the rooms rather than how you thought you would use them.

Asking friends to come for a weekend and help decorate can be good fun too.

Thought I'd come back and update!
İt's taken the best part of the last few months, but the house is finally deep cleaned all the way through. I got burned out and a few illnesses in between and put my focus into finding groups to take DD to, (as well as sorting out sooo much moving house admin) so things took a while to get truly sorted, but at least it's finally clean.
The next task is lots of reducing the amount of stuff we have so that I can find the motivation for decorating. I managed to get a cheap bed in almost new condition for my DD and just waiting for the local collection people to have space to take away the old sofa I put in her room as seating, so that I can move it up there.
DD has settled well into 10 hours a week of childminders, who are really great. I generally just try to sort out admin or rest when she's there. I haven't gotten into a great routine with cooking yet but hopefully it will get sorted. Lots of beautiful flowers came up in the back and front garden recently, which made me feel a lot better about being here and the sun is out more now!
I'm knackered, I'm recovering from a flu of two weeks now and never felt this tired apart from after I have birth but hoping that now there's no more icky corners to look at any more, I'll feel more rested again soon!

@Peppapigforlife what a great update. I've thought of you and hoped you were settling in, and could feel what a good move you made.

You are an inspiration - well done. Sounds like you can take a bit of rest now, and enjoy your lovely new home. May you and your DD have many happy years there to come.

I remember reading your thread over Christmas, very pleased to hear you made it to the end of cleansing-out-the-dirty-buggers-filth! You should feel proud of that!

I think lots of people have been ill with covid, flu etc recently and it does knock the stuffing out of you so don't be tough on yourself.

I've just seen your update this morning - so great to read. Spring is coming and hopefully your energy banks will be restored by the Sun, longer days, flowers in the garden and happier times to look forward to in your house. Your DD sounds settled with her child minders which is fantastic. So good to have her into a routine and giving you some space just to breathe and get stuff sorted.

I hope the previous people have left you alone and that your family aren't giving you grief either!

Thanks for the positive words everyone. I just want to say a huge thank you to @whatafielddayfortheheat (I checked with her first before tagging), for lending me a drill at a local baby club, and when she realised some of the parts weren't in the box, she came over with baby and toddler in tow and put up my bedroom curtains for me! Such a trooper who has made such a difference to my living situation with that act of putting herself out in what is a difficult time for all mums! Just goes to show that Mumsnet is full of goodness despite the odd judgemental comments we come across! My bedroom feels very relaxing and cosy now and me and DD have taken to just living mostly upstairs.
Oh and also to another mumsnetter on here, who I'm now friendly with, who sent her DH over with a piece of carpet for us to lay down in the uncarpeted bedroom! Such lovely people. Oh and I've had other messages with offers of help, like someone offered to lend me a carpet cleaner and someone else offered support with decorating tips! I haven't gotten around to finding the energy for deep cleaning carpets or decorating yet l, but it's been so lovely to know those kind offers are out there. Also thank you to the lovely mumsnetter who forked out for a take away for me in the first few days of living here!

@Peppapigforlife it has been a pleasure!

What a fab positive thread and OP!
You have moved mountains and I wish you well in your new house and new life 😀

Oh that's so nice to read. It sounded like a great move for the long term. Worth all the smaller hurdles to get there.

The warmer weather and longer days will help too. Easier to air the house and if any musty smells remain sunlight is great for getting rid. It takes a long time to get rid. We bought a house that was clean and tidy but left empty for three years and eight years later, if we have been away on holiday I can still faintly detect it, though admittedly my sensitivity to it is greater than anyone else as I became obsessed with ridding the house of it!

Now you get to do the fun bits in making it cosy. Can get some amazing bargains on local selling pages

Little update here. You might have to put up with my ramblings but I feel like I need to get it all down, to start making progress.
DD finally has her bed in her room! Not that she will sleep in it. My brother came down recently and helped me to move it from the living room where it was delivered a couple of months ago, to the bedroom. I had been waiting for help carrying it, to avoid taking it apart and putting it back together, but then we ended up having to take it apart and put it back together and I realised I should have just done that weeks ago! But it is done and it looks lovely and her room is taking shape. We also have curtains in every room now and new blinds in the kitchen. It took longer than expected so I still need to wait for the bathroom ones to go up. I feel like I very much know how to use a drill now after watching two people come and put things up for me, but I still feel very anxious about my floppy hypermobile wrists dropping it in action or something!
My neighbour came over to mow the front lawn and he gave me some advice about the flowers planted in the back and pointed out the weeds which I hadn't been sure were weeds or wildflowers! So it does feel like my house now. He is going to take the bags of sand and paving slabs that the previous people left, and then there are only a few bits left to clear out of their from the outhouse and they will be gone forever.
The house still feels very cold though, even with the warmer weather. I've been told there are gaps in the windows so I have reported that to the council and I guess my mission for the summer will be to chase that up endlessly before the winter.
I've got so much clutter I don't even know where to begin. I still have to face the gunk left in the outhouse by the previous tenants (bits of dead fly from the maggots that showed up), so that I can move a good chunk of clutter into there to sort out. I don't know why this house is more cluttered than the previous flat, but it might be because I've had less clear outs when new toys have appeared (I don't even know where from!) and some pictures are on the floor still instead of on the walls. DD has had chicken pox these last two weeks which has been horrendous and I've lost motivation from her waking up every twenty minutes in pain all week and I've got laryngitis or something now but i am determined to have a clear out and feel better.
I'm also struggling to find my new routine. I dont have a set day for shopping and I am just winging it through the day throwing together food for us both, where I'm so distracted by all that needs doing but that's something I want to work on too. It does feel like I've lost control of my own life and routine since the move and possibly with the lockdowns before that too and I'm starting cbt next week so I hope that will help me to create some sort of order and mental clarity about my daily needs getting completed! Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

I wanted to come back and update. It's me, the OP, I've had a few name changes over the year, as a lot of personal details on different posts which I don't want to add up.

It's been just over a year since I created this thread and you all supported me massively and helped me get through such a gruelling time. And so much has happened since!
I never got round to finishing the decorating, because I ended up taking in Ukrainian refugees for the summer and everything changed with the focus being on them and their needs. I thought it would be great at the time to help someone in need, to lift my spirits, and also have another child in the house to help my DD socialise. It wasn't, it was pretty traumatic for both me and DD, with a MASSIVE clash of cultures and unawareness of boundaries from the guests (covert bullying towards my DD mainly), but we parted as amicable casual friends and still keep in touch. They went back to the Ukraine in the end as the cost of living here wasn't something the mum was willing to compromise on. I've met a lot of other amazing conscientious guests and hosts in the community though and can hand on my heart say I would do it again, with the right guest, and I don't regret the experience as I learned so much. After this year, cleaning up after other people's mess and destruction doesn't seem too overwhelming anymore! However, I HAVE learned the massive lesson of putting my own needs first and not deviating from a boring task out of boredom. Hence, I'm making 2023 the year I really focus on myself and what I really really want.
2022, I learned to put myself first, I learned to stop doing things I don't want to do, I learned to create some space and boundaries. I went on dates with a guy over the summer, which amounted to nothing in the end, and I learned truly I didn't want to date whilst being a single mum, as it takes so much out of you emotionally and I need every bit of energy for me and her. So I also am learning to detach myself from the feeling of fomo and enjoy what's in front of me. İn front of me is this house and my dd- the house is becoming somewhat my life and hopefully my future work of art.
What else happened this year? İt is a bit outing if I say exactly how, but a neighbour did something pretty extreme to affect part of my garden which I'll have to fix in the future, but it taught me to let go a bit, of all the to do list, accept things looking less than perfect, and work on them as and when I have time. A non elderly family member died suddenly, which was really tragic and sad, but it's taught me to live a bit more in the moment and be a lot more appreciative of my family and friends, even with their flaws. I try and leave behind all the things I want to work on, to go and see them more often, when I've got the energy to do so.
We had an amazing hot summer and it was the first time on my whole life I could see myself staying here forever. Having a good balance of a real summer and a real winter feels really good for me. I also resolved to buy a fan ready for next summer as I realised that just because I've lived in hot countries it doesn't mean I can handle the heat as well as I thought (I forgot we had AC all year round abroad!).
I made friends with the neighbours and community and one particularly really good new friend who lives on my street and feels like a friend for life. Granted, everyone here in my neighbourhood is busy with their families, so I'm still spending a lot of time alone, but DD starts school next year so I'm hoping I'll be working and socialising more after that.
İ did an amazing post partum group therapy course in person with an amazing lady who lives here and joined her monthly zoom mum journalling sessions, which has opened up a lot of emotional space for me to feel more myself since becoming a single mum. I'm hoping to join a recommended church in 2023 to find more community.
I never did finish decorating the house but my hope is that 2023 is the year I learn to really focus and put the chaos completely aside, balance the socialising, mum life and get s**t done! İt's completely organised now though, which feels lovely. Everything has its proper space and even half of the toys have an organised cupboard. Christmas decorations are up and I'm promising myself a tree for next year. No tree this year, but it feels like a huge improvement from last year. DD has presents all sorted, food is here for a proper roast on Sunday and my dad is coming over and things are more amicable between us now.
İ would love to hear how all of your years have been and what hopes you have for 2023.

Oh and just to add. With the covert bullying towards my DD. I didn't let her be subject to it, in case anyone worries about me not protecting my DD. I just spent every waking moment I could with her out of the house, until they left, and pressed on at the council as much as I could to remove them. I nipped it in the bud straight away by talking to the child and the mum, but even once it stopped, my DD was already pretty fed up with them and was acting out all the time, so it remained stressful.

It is lovely to hear your update. You have certainly had an eventful year, but now sound much more positive about the future. I hope you and your dd have a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Year.

You have come so far in such a short space of time.

Have a wonderful Christmas and amazing 2023

When I got my first home it was inches deep in chip fat & nicotine, the kitchen was only fit for the tip & the previous owner had "helpfully" painted every room dark purple. I got the keys on 12 October & moved in on Halloween with two decorated bedrooms & half a new kitchen. We managed by using the second bedroom as a dining room & only had a microwave, a sandwich toaster & a dishwasher. We lived in the bedroom as the living room was full of half assembled kitchen units & appliances. We didn't have much money so we bought massive trade tubs of white emulsion to cover the purple & the cheapest gloss we could find, every time we got paid we bought something like carpets, laminate flooring or paid someone like a joiner to finish the kitchen or a tiler.

Could you look on freecycle or Marketplace for things you need, people often give away paint or furniture, are you on benefits? If so you may be able to get a budget loan, you would probably get around £800 being a single parent, you pay this back through your benefits over a year or more.

Sorry didn't realise how long this thread had been running. Well done on making a home for your dd, she won't remember how messy the house was when you moved in, just how much she is loved & cared for.

What a love,y update, thankyou.

And happy new year !!

great you’ve settled well. Worth all the pain of moving

I was so glad to read your update and to hear things are looking up. Sounds like you handled the Ukrainian guest situation really well, that must have been tough.
Here's to an amazing 2023 for you and your DD, you deserve it!

You are a real trooper and inspiration OP. I love your positivity despite the many setbacks you have suffered. Your daughter is lucky to have such a strong and lovely mum. Things will get easier once she starts school I promise. More free time for you plus the opportunity to make friends at the school gates though the second bit takes time. Hope you have a good Christmas and 2023 🤗

So good to read your updates. Well done! I'm sure you and DD have a really bright future ahead.

What a heartwarming update OP. It seems that you have had a really positive year and you are a really strong person and mum - you clearly have got this!

wishing you and your DD a lovely Christmas break and all the best for the new year- very happy to hear your further updates!