I think I may have messed my entire life up in one day...

[Peppapigforlife]

I know that it will get better, but right now it feels catastrophic.

Long story so I'm grateful if you make it all the way through.

I'm a single mum to a toddler who is three in May.
We had a two bedroom ground floor flat which the council moved us into two years ago, from freezing cold emergency accomodation, when I fled her abusive father in The USA, and a chaotic living situation in a shelter there.
The flat was lovely. Spacious, very warm, light and quiet. However, the council moved us into it without carpets (concrete floor), curtain poles and undecorated and I had no furniture. The second bedroom was a box room and had damp and cold and I felt like I couldn't be there forever, as DD got bigger.
With a clingy breastfeeding baby who wouldn't be put down, I managed to get some things sorted, like a mattress and I used my £500 maternity grant to get carpets, which was very lucky, and social services got me an oven. I managed to get funding for a fridge and washing machine. A few people gave me second hand things like a TV, sofas some drawers.
About a year after moving in, some relatives put some curtain poles up for me and I was able to have curtains and privacy. They painted three of the rooms for me and the rest were in a bad state. It was really tough because of my daughter's clinginess I couldn't get anything done myself and just had to wait for people to be available.
I started to feel settled in the home but the area was also quite desolate. Only one tiny shop that was open until 5pm or 2pm depending on different times of the year and not much in there except ready meals and sweets. I don't drive, and it was atop a hill. Some of the neighbours were outside fighting quite a bit and the whole thing started weighing on me to the point where even as my daughter became more independent, I ran out of energy to decorate the rest of the house and it started to lead me into a hole of depression. I didn't have a single friend there and my local family would only pop by once every couple of weeks or once every few weeks. The buses to go anywhere to see anyone local were about 7.40 return or 4.50 return depending on if I crossed a town threshold.

I joined houseswapper to see if anything closer to relatives came up.

Eventually something did come up where I was contacted but it was in a completely different part of the county, but it was also the city I went to university in and had felt happy in years ago.

I viewed the house and it seemed great and I agreed to swap. It didn't need decorating, other than to put my own touch to it. (The first flat had dark brown walls in the corridor and walls with dirt and patchy different paint colours all over them and lots of holes in the wall). The second bedroom was a lot bigger, and it had more space for toys, which used to drive me a bit insane.
It just seemed to make sense, as my local relatives near the flat weren't making an effort, and I have friends in the new city, and it's a younger median age, so I'd meet more new people on my wavelength, and it had a farm shop nearby so I could get groceries easier. I just felt isolated and cut off from shops in the old flat.
(Sorry a lot of backstory, just wanted to share the details properly).
However, I still felt settled in the flat, despite the isolation, dodgy neighbours, depression and decorating I needed to do. I felt like all the effort I had put into it, meant something and that it could grow into something better if I gave it time and patience. If I could find a job to get a car and get about more , or if I just accepted the lack of socialising.
I decided to go ahead with the move, as the couple seemed desperate to get out of their house, due to disability and the stairs, and they also offered me a grand towards the cost of moving and decorating, so it seemed sensible to move to a better area for the long term.

They put pressure on me to move before Christmas, despite me not wanting to. I wanted to enjoy Christmas as my DD was getting older and more aware and have enough time to take my time with the packing and cleaning, and to be able to find a nursery as well, as the local one to the new house was full. However, she kicked up such a fuss İ thought İ might lose my grand, and İ gave in.

With a lot of stress and take aways and late nights, I got everything ready by Friday evening and had my van scheduled for Saturday morning of the agreed swap date. He showed up and I'd also enlisted the help of an aunt and a friend and my DD was going to my mum's for the day. I didn't want her to have to see the stuff she is attached to being taken by removal men or having to be in the chaos of us getting everything ready in the new house. I don't like her going to my mum's if I can help it because my mum smokes indoors and has bipolar but I sucked it up and promised myself after the move, she wouldn't go there again, that I'd be more settled and wouldn't need any nights off.
We got to the new house ready to swap over and, after telling me that they'd been packed for weeks and weeks and putting pressure on me to hurry up with the move, the couple weren't finished. There was still food in the cupboards and fridge and random objects scattered around which hadn't been packed away, like a big cluster of saucepans. It was chaos. All my stuff was put in the shed. I went in to try and help them pack the food up. The lady was disabled and was sitting on the sofa, the husband was 70 and had been moving and packing their collosal amount of stuff for weeks, including about five trips with boxes of stuff to my house the week before. He had been having funny turns and was too weak to do any more on the morning of the move. The removal man (who had been hired by the couple to do their move as well as mine) grumbled loudly about the state of it all and the lady got defensive and said 'EXCUSE ME, I am Disabled!' the removal man said I'm not moving you with that attitude and refused to do their job. He phoned for another company for her, got the last of my stuff in, and left. He text me throughout the day to see how we were getting on and today he said 'sorry, but the woman was vile'. He said one of the companies he tried for her, said 'not a chance, she is vile', and she would be known as she has swapped houses year after year.
In the end the couple didn't leave until 11pm and so I had to go and stay at my mum's house (who I don't get on with, as she has her equally vile tendencies), and lie in bed trying to sleep to the smell of stale cigarettes and unwashed sheets.
I was so stressed that when I saw my mum smoking next to my daughter I lost the plot and had a go at her. She said she could do what she wanted in her own home and called me names and İ shouted back and told her to leave us alone and left with my daughter. I know, I was behaving as vilely as everyone else, but I've never been so stressed in my life. All the people who were there to help me move had had to go back to different places to get on with work or studying and couldn't help me today. Because we didn't get the couples stuff out during the day, my belongings never got further than the shed and furniture scattered around randomly wherever it could fit.
They haven't given me the 1k promised yet as they had to use half of it to pay for the last minute new removal company which was a lot more expensive. I had to pay for a taxi to get here from my mum's which was £40 and I used the last of my savings to pay the van man and get food from a pub as I had nowhere to go whilst we tried to find a van company for the couple.
I'm now in a filthy house (they didn't clean either, after I spent a week deep cleaning my old house and hoovering every inch as the last boxes came out) on my own, with a toddler, with all my stuff in boxes in a shed and no structure whatsoever in the whole house and have no one to help me get sorted.
It just feels like my entire stability and life, which I had worked so hard to get, after years of abuse and homelessness, has been pulled away from me. I don't even know where to start. I've had a couple of offers of potential help, later in the week, but I just thought we would have been all moved in, clean, organised and peaceful by the end of yesterday. We arrived at the property by 11am yesterday and still, nothing is done. Im just drained, on top of it all.
I know there's no other suggestion, other than keep on going slowly and doing whatever I can, but it just feels so unfair, that I'm in the crap, whilst the couple who created all this chaos, are sitting happily and sorted out in my nice flat , that I'm missing the stability and familiarity of terribly of right now. Despite the loneliness I felt there, I was in love with the place, after all the work I had put into it. I will say something to the council about it tomorrow, but I doubt there's much they can do.

I just feel so bad about my daughter, who wasn't meant to have to entertain herself whilst I try and run around like crazy, cleaning up filth and moving furniture. Still have to plumb the washing machine in and all sorts. İ can't even sleep because i just feel like im breathing in all their fifth.

Sounds like it's the right move and it's been a hard day.
Just wanted to add as I read they had a dog - tell the council you suspect fleas ASAP. It would be so depressing if the couple haven't kept on top of their dogs flea treatment and have left the house full of fleas which will move onto you if they don't have the dog to bite.

(sorry sorry sorry if you don't want to hear that, but just wouldn't want you to be under added stress as we had this problem at the start of the first lockdown and it was a nightmare. I believe the council will sort this problem for free if you are struggling)

Hope your new home is sorted soon!

It sounds like the move was a really good,idea, and you have a good,friend nearby. These few days will eventually turn into a story 'remember that year when we moved just before Christmas and there was that horrible,yappy dog and that mad woman, but what a lovely home it turned into? '

Could your lovely broken ankle (ouch!) friend come round and sit on your sofa to a) keep you company and sing along to Christmas songs whilst you clean , and b) keep half an eye on your child?

Re the stairs, I remember vividly when we moved into our house the kids were 2and 5 and obsessed with the stairs (we'd come from a flat). We made RULES - no running on the stairs , come down on your bottom. We made it a kind of mantra and said it all the time, so they repeated it, and obeyed almost like a game in itself. Bumping down stairs in your bum is fun

The next few days will be hard, so focus on getting it clean, putting some of your personal stuff out to make it feel like home, and take your time to settle in. Shops locally, and being in the thick of it , a good fried nearby is a recipe for a happy, lovely future for,you and DD.

Take it one day at a time, this madness and hard work of this period will be over soon enough. You're doing a brilliant thing for your family. Be happy, be proud.

Oh, and happy Christmas

You've done so well for you and your little family. This was a real low and things will improve from here on. Keep your eyes on the goal of having a lovely family home. You will get there.

Look on local Facebook groups, life is a gift, Freecycle etc for carpet and anything else you might need.

Op I think you’ve done the right thing- your previous flat sounds grim to me & now you have a fresh start- yes required cleaning but you’ll get there!! The couple are bonkers, you’ve done it now thank god - agree tell the council fleas etc and also see what you can find on local Facebook groups etc. Your new place will be lovely in a few weeks when you’re a bit more settled. Xo

You are completely overwhelmed right now.
In the morning fling all the windows open to air the place. Get the kitchen done and make the living room nice. I’m sure in few weeks with your determination it will be completely different. As other ms have said join local Facebook groups and see what help is on offer

Ask on Freecycle OP for things you need, even some lino or pieces of carpet. If you are near a carpet warehouse type shop, typically on an industrial estate, they sometimes sell rolls of carpet remnant quite cheaply. I was given some once that they were throwing out, If all else fails there is "exhibition carpet" - very thin and temporary but cheap, though has no underlay. I got some once from Burts Online, they also have vinyl remnants.

It's a move for the better. You have just been through a really stressful experience to get there. Just living near friends will improve your quality of life so much. Focus in a room at a time a making it safe for your daughter, the rest will follow. Wishing you all the best.

You have made the right move, it will be worth it!

Moving into a new house always feels weird, like it's not your home. It sounds like you are doing great, got yourself and your daughter away from an abusive relationship, have now moved to a town you like. You've done the hard part. Your daughter is lucky to have you!

Location, location, location. Its all about where you live. You can go from survival mode to having a full life. You will be fine. Big bottle of bleach will sort out the hygiene, lots of vacuuming carpets and cheap colourful rugs will sort floors.

On a safety note, maybe not give out your location on the Internet. Think about it.

@Emilygoesa

On a safety note, maybe not give out your location on the Internet. Think about it.

She only gave the city she's in the rough area of. I don't think that's a problem.

It sounds like a horrific experience and really stressful. And you’ve been treated very badly by this couple.
But It also sounds like it was the right move for you, and in time you’ll get the place feeling like home x

It is no wonder you are so upset and stressed, that sounds like an absolute nightmare. However, you will get it sorted and you will be able to get settled in soon. Your DD is so lucky to have you as her mum.

You sound really brave to be making this move - and I do think that this is just a blip.

This afternoon go out to the nearest park for an hour or so with your daughter and get her really tired. Then early dinner, early bath, early bed and you should be able to get a couple of really focused hours done tonight.

For your daughters room have a look on Facebook market place and see if anyone has a big thick rug to give away for free/cheap. That would make it safe until you can afford carpet.

If they do bring you over the money put 300 of it into a bank account and promise yourself that you won’t touch it. Everything stressful is a little bit easier if you have some savings you can rely on in an emergency.

Would hiring a carpet cleaner be cheaper than replacing the carpet if fundamentally the carpets are ok.
Either hiring the machine yourself or getting someone in to do it all.
Could you clean the carpet in your Dds bedroom then cut round the edges to free the grippers and then use the original carpet as underlay and fit another carpet on top.

I hope you get your money and your curtains If not, if you have the offer of £1000 in writing then I would take them to the small claims. Or Judge Rinder😀
When a removal firm refuses to move someone you know the woman must have been bad.
I wonder if In the coming days as you meet your new neighbours you find they are more than happy you have moved in because the woman was a nightmare neighbour.

Also open every window in the house for a few hours as you clean. It will help with the dust.

So sorry to hear of this situation op. I also think this sounds like a good move made for good reasons.
You don't need new carpets if it's just fine. Get a rug doctor, they're amazing! As easy to use as a hoover and can hire from b+q or asda, places like that. They make such a difference! The hire is 48 hours, so I used to go halves with a friend and have a day each. The carpets would go from grimy to looking new instantly, and feel lovely. Xx
Enquire at the local church if anyone knows of volunteer organisation who can help, they are often a good source of grass roots support that you don't have to wait ages for... Doesn't matter if you aren't religious yourself, my mums church is stuffed full of practical older folk willing to help people in need, I know they aren't unique.
You've done so well to come this far, your achievement in working towards better is not small at all. I'm full of admiration for you.

Yesterday was tough, but good news you don’t have to move if you don’t want to for a long while hopefully.

If you look at the DIY forum you will realise you disaster move day is sadly far from unique and people buying £1m + houses move in have regrets , find they haven’t been cleaned, people not ready to move out etc…. As other poster said in good time you will look back and laugh!

Much against social media hype - your house does not need to be Instagram perfect, with matchy stuff. It needs to be clean, functional and warm. Your friends will not judge your house I promise.

Large rugs from Facebook mark place or gumtree to cover the carpets, olio app now has a wanted section so you could put a request on there.

Good luck in your new home and finger 2022 is an amazing year for you full of new opportunities that this move will have allowed for.

Save this thread and come back to read it in a year. All the evidence points to this being an excellent move for you and your daughter, I'm sure you'll both come on leaps and bounds and that in a year's time the actual move itself will be one of those memories where you're like "crikey that was tough, but look at us now!".

Best of luck OP

So sorry to hear this. It sounds very stressful and tiring and I have no advice other than: with time you’ll make your new home beautiful.

You’re now in a better location and you sound like you’ll be able to sort out the rest.

I've moved countless times and it's always really stressful even when it goes smoothly! So you are doing amazingly having all of that to deal with.

Don't put any pressure on yourself to do things faster than they can be done. Just take things one step at a time.

You've not had an easy move (one of the most stressful things we can do in life) which has made the process far worse than it should've. But this will pass and in time you will make a home out of this new place.

I echo what PPs have said about using FB and Freecycle for second hand bits, and asking for help from the local church. I'd add contacting your GP practice and seeing if they have a Social Prescriber too. A SP's job is to help people with the social elements of life that can influence health, and should have contacts for all sorts of volunteers and charity groups that can help you in all sorts of ways. There are so many people out there who love to help others, it's just finding them.

Poor you OP this sounds overwhelming.
I would concentrate on the kitchen and making a little nest in the livign room where you can curl up and watch TV.
Are there local charities which sell furniture/house items cheaply?
Look at Emmaus, there is a shop in Kent and they usually help supply low cost household things to people in situations like yours.
Try to find some support locally - its out there.

Moving house is always stressful, and stuff always goes wrong. You haven't ruined your life at all - you just need to plod through the cleaning and sorting in the same way everyone does. And yes, it would be nice to have help, but you can do a lot by yourself. Your daughter won't mind at all if the place isn't perfect by Christmas.

As far as the thousand pounds, shame on them for offering that when they were unlikely to follow through. In future you will get the money in your pocket before you act but...in the long run, you're better off out in your new home.

Basically you have had a stressful few days but with a bit of work you will be fine.