Builder has gone AWOL

[PurplePansy05]

Hi All. A bit of an odd situation.

Our builder was due to start renovating our recently purchased house this afternoon. We've been in regular contact for months, he's been in the property several times, we have all the designs, quotes and timescales agreed in writing.

For completeness, we know him well because he's completed renovation of our previous house which was excellent. We are on friendly terms with him and know he's an honest man.

We are currently living and wfh squished in two rooms because we've stripped the rest of the house bare as agreed, ready for him to start this afternoon. I am also 22 weeks pregnant, due in August.

We last had contact with him on Good Friday and all was well.

Since then, we rang, emailed and texted and absolute silence. This is completely not like him, he is normally very responsive and on busy days would revert at say 7am or 10pm when he isn't working. This has never been an issue.

We know he has had some health problems and was due to attend hospital appointments, but at no point was there any talk about him not doing the work.

I am now getting seriously concerned, I am worried about him and also worried about our renovation, I don't understand what is going on and as you can imagine, we need to get this done before DS arrives. The house is old and has not been renovated for 40 years so there is a lot to do.

Any thoughts, please? I can't believe I am even writing this and having to ask for advice. xx

It will all work out, op. Everything does eventually

Quite a few things are already here, tiles, appliances, grout, finishing touches, paint.

Everything else is selected and designed and our builder was to order with his trade discounts. I have a ton of emails discussing this, ton of links to every single item I'd have to go through it all now to put it together in a format acceptable to someone new. It's 6 months worth of discussions, research and correspondence. I can't even imagine starting again and time this would take.

We're already doing prep work (mostly done) and painting (after) ourselves.

I've already said to DH that DS can stay with us in our master bedroom for longer so even the nursery could be pushed for a bit later, but that doesn't help the finance so not really an answer.

I am wfh fully, DH in part. I'm unfortunately not in a job that would allow supervising tradesmen I don't know throughout the day and neither is DH so separate arrangements with each won't work here in practice. Unfortunately someone needs to step in his shoes, otherwise we're risking being in a bigger mess at his birth than now.

You don’t need to supervise tradesmen during the day. You just need a quick meeting at the start of the day and let them get on with it. Providing the plans are clear and exact and the materials are on site, they are self sufficient. It’s not a dark art . You might be able to negotiate the trade discounts yourself (as long as it doesn’t involve Howden’s, who wins the world’s most opaque pricing cup ) I know it’s not ideal but you need to split the list between you and your DH and try and work through this situation together for the sake of your health. Taking it all on board yourself right now doesn’t seem equitable- he’s not growing a baby!

Gosh, what a challenging time all around.

I can completely see why you are so distressed by all of this. If you're anything like me you've spent the last months picturing how everything is going to go from the reno to the first few weeks of you little one's life.

Unfortunately that's not going to be how it goes and that can be really hard to deal with. I think you need to focus on realigning your expectations and vision for the next few months - it's not going to be how you planned and that's ok.

Perhaps get a list going using the urgent/not urgent and important/not important matrix (have a Google if you're unfamiliar!)

Think realistically - not everything is going to be urgent and important (even if it feels like it).

Then use that to help you re develop your plan. If it's going to be a year rather than a few weeks - what is the real impact of that on anything but your own expectations? (This reads harshly but isn't meant that way). So your baby has a few months in a building site - plenty do! Think about all of those episodes of grand designs where they have a baby who doesn't get a finished bedroom until they start secondary school!

Oh and have a conversation with your husband about all of this and the impact it's having on you. He is probably blissfully unaware of how much mental space this has taken up for you. However he might also give you some perspective (when I'm freaking out about something and mine says "so what?" I get annoyed, but often it makes me think, "yeah so what?!")

Quite. I agree. It just always seems to be me pulling my big girl pants up in practice, but that's an entirely separate topic. I worry DH wouldn't do things in the order it needs (which frankly I don't always know about either, but he most certainly doesn't) or leave them unfinished as is his habit. So tbh it may cost me more stress to leave things with him, I don't know.

We are full to the brim here, garage is already full of materials and furniture and all other stuff from 4 rooms is now in 2. I can barely turn around. What materials do you mean, as in plasterboard, tools, carpets, flooring, windows etc? I suppose we could order but only if it can be stored in the empty rooms at all times, there's nowhere else for stuff to go. Plus I believe if tradesmen buy themselves they can get discounts which aren't available to us.

The kitchen is Howdens indeed, btw. It just had to be that, I can only laugh.

OP this seems like the end of world right now but you can do this.

We were doing a complete house renovation when my eldest son was 12 months old and I was 8 months pregnant. We were living with my parents, my husband had a breakdown and spent several weeks in a psychiatric clinic.

And then the guy who was due to fit our flooring shafted us. I was just about to have a baby, my husband was very unwell, I had no floor for the house and it was special parquet that I'd also manage to get (or not in the end) with a huge discount. Turned out the bloke was a crook who had sold us remnants from the floor they were installing at the shoe hall in Selfridges which not surprisingly Selfridges didn't let him keep! I literally had no floor in the house. I cried, I screamed but I had to get on with it and for obvious reasons my husband really couldn't help.

But we found someone else eventually who could, it definitely wasn't easy, my baby was born three weeks early so for a while I had a toddler and newborn and no floor but here we are a decade later and now it's just a episode in our lives that I don't think about unless reminded of it.

This too shall pass. Strength.

I do know what you mean @Andthenanothercupoftea, this sounds a lot like me. I will look at that matrix, I've not seen it before.

I guess my worry is this will just not get done if the costs sky rocket and I don't want to live here as is or half finished. I had a fully finished house before which we made decent profit on but now it seems with all this happening and with the baby coming, this will never be enough. I can't help but feel that I've made a huge mistake and ruined things in a sense I won't be happy here and neither will DS. Obviously I couldn't have known things would become so shit, but that doesn't change the fact I'm in the shit now. I actually don't feel I can ever be happy here now and I'm stuck with a 5 year mortgage on what was meant to be a dream home. Just all around fucked mine and my son's life up without ever intending to do so.

I admire you all for your resilience. I think mine has hit the rock bottom though, it's finally done me in after years of various other shitty things happening. Thank you for taking time to respond

@PurplePansy05

I’ve lived in many a renovation with children. All is not lost. You will feel differently once you get your list together. Lick your wounds tomorrow when the builders merchants are shut . Today, get your list out and make a start. It seems insurmountable until you know what needs doing. Then it’ll get easier. You can do this. And the shops open up on Monday so at least you’ll be able to touch the things you are buying (unless it’s howdens of course )

Seriously though Knock Howdens on the head. Builders are obsessed with them - mainly because of their ‘discount’ and void at the back of the cupboard which makes their life easier to put pipes. Never been into one that wasn’t full of misogynistic twats guarding their secret pricing schedules which varies from branch to branch 😂 There are other kitchen suppliers who can give you the same look (without the need for Vatican style secrecy).

Good luck.

Thanks. I actually had an IKEA kitchen designed originally but the sizes of their units don't fit this place. Completely agree re Howdens. Another thing on the long list of things I hate about this place.

My builder recently did a kitchen with a company called DIY kitchens? He reckoned they were better than howden?

If you make an appointment with an IKEA kitchen specialist you’d be amazed what they can suggest/do. So much better than trying to do a DIY job on their planner. They’re super quick for delivery too. Maybe revisit it?

If you haven't paid for the kitchen yet could you swap it for a DIY kitchens one? We saved an absolute fortune by doing that and our builder and fitter both agreed the quality was far better than howdens (which we also looked at but became so furious with over opaque pricing).

I know what you mean about the email trail. Seems overwhelming. Its like when you have written a huge thing on your laptop and you lose it and have to start again. But : how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

Could you do the matrix thing and think, right on x morning I'm just going to track down three most urgent items. Search for those in your inbox and enter them in a spreadsheet. I bet that you will find yourself rather getting into it and doing more than the three. Don't worry about it until you have cleared your client work.

The house is going to wait for you and it will be amazing.

Others may be more experienced than me with this (and you've obviously done big projects before yourself) but is it worth when you see the builders doing your best act not to seem too at your wits end or helpless? You want them to think this is going to be a nice easy job. Lots of 'I feel desperately sorry for my poor builder John but obviously I'm keen to crack on. Yes yes, lots of materials on site. I have the plans - all drawn up here you are. I have sourced the items. Just need you to order some last bits with your discount and off we go. ' Otherwise they may either run for the hills or price the job sky high because they know they have you over a barrel.

The IKEA guy designed it. In fact he runs their whole kitchen section locally and he said himself to go elsewhere cause the use of space really isn't all that great. The units don't fit the space well, it's awkwardly shaped. It's this house, I swear. Nothing at all has been straightforward here that's why there's such a trail of emails, discussions etc.

Checked DIY Kitchens before, they don't have the right colour unfortunately. I like this company overall though and they would have been my go to.

Good advice re keeping poker face on, thanks. I better put my make up on to cover my face, I look an absolute state after not sleeping/crying/worrying. Mental mask will have to be put on too.

You definitely haven't ruined your baby's life! Babies need love and security and it's clear you can provide that in abundance, otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about it. Remember your baby won't remember this period at all!

And if it takes longer the cost will be more, but it will be spread out more.

My in laws moved into a dump when my husband was 18 months, sister in law was 6 months and then had another one a year later. They spent 8 (I think?) years doing it up before moving a couple of years later (unplanned) and there are nothing but fond memories of it.

Christmas is full of conversations about "do you remember the time dad balanced two ladders to reach to paint the top of the landing" or "remember when we thought we'd trapped the cat under the floorboards" or (slightly more worrying) "do you remember when the window was fitted wrong and sister almost fell out of it!"

Until they are a bit older kids really don't give a shit about what their house looks like!

Just wanted to be a small voice of reason in amongst the madness.

I get that you're upset about your house but you haven't ruined yours and your sons life.

Kids don't need a big fancy renovated house to be happy they need loving parents, which it sounds like you'll be.

It's a huge setback, of course it is. But- you don't have to have everything in place at the same time.

Some things need to be worked out first, others can come along later.

Try not to panic on needing to pay for, know and prepare everything, just focus on the first bit.

Thanks. My hormones are all over the place and I feel like a failure already before he even arrived. His mummy is going to have to make him live in a dusty old house full of crap for years instead of having a quiet, tidy space to grow up in. That is really not what I hoped for for him and what I worked my socks off for, or planned. Over time I will somehow get over myself being forced to live in this crap, but not him.

I hope today goes well!

You will be able to supervise some bits from home while on mat leave, too. Not how you wanted to spend mat leave, but doable.

How do people renovate on mat leave though? Surely babies can't sleep through it and they shouldn't be breathing in all the dust etc?

We had our house renovated whilst I was on mat leave. Couldn't have done it otherwise. It was great as I was here to answer questions as and when and could collect materials when they needed. For example, I was told tilers coming tomorrow- where's your tiles. We hadn't chose any but because I was on mat leave I could go chose and buy some. Couldn't have done that whilst working. The baby slept through all the noise and actually often wouldn't sleep UNTIL a power tool was being used!

There are some pregnancy hormones sloshing about which are making this harder for you, as well.

Your baby isn't interested in the chaos and mess or tidiness of it all. He will quickly adjust especially as it will start while your pregnant so he'll be familiar with the noises.

Accept support from anyone that offers, so you can focus on your house and your pregnancy. Be ruthless in pushing to one side anything that isn't vital. Let DH pick it up, and accept lower standards than yours.

Give yourself a few days to feel royally pissed off and worried, then throw yourself at it. Remember your baby shares your emotionally soup, so look after yourself!

@IdrisElbow We have. Thanks for this and for the daff xx

I know you've had a tough time recently so all this sounds like a nightmare too. I know renos are hard, when you have stuff going on personally on top it's extremely challenging. I've done it before but did not expect things would go to pot so bad this time and I feel hit by a tram right now, tbh. Hope you're keeping well xx

@PurplePansy05 Our builder suggested DH get his own account with Howdens - we weren't doing the kitchen, just needed a couple of cabinets when we put laundry appliances elsewhere. DH had a chat with the local branch, set up his own account, and got the same discounts a builder would. This was 5yrs ago though.
Look into it? If you have worked out what you need already.
Sorry you're in this position, and poor builder - he sounds very ill :(