Things my mother has said to me about my house hunt, a list.

[TheIris]

I feel like I could explode, so I am going to type this on here to prevent me from sending her a grumpy message!

For context, I am a FTB. She bought a house by herself, once, in 1982. She sold it in 1986 when she met my dad. They haven't moved since. I am one of three siblings and the first one to be in a position to buy my own house, so the first one to go through this!

1. I am "stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid" to think that it would be very tight to meet the stamp duty deadline, even if I put in an offer tomorrow. Apparently searches don't take long now at all "because it's all online" and so right now I can "exchange and complete in a month."

I said I had been monitoring the news and market and actually solicitors have a massive backlog right now and they were issuing warnings back in Nov/Dec to say that people might not make the deadline even if they had offers accepted then. "Oh you've read the news so you're an expert? You've never bought a house before, I have!"

2. I won't actually have saved my full deposit until end of April so I can't actually go house hunting just yet. "You don't know that. If you ring the estate agent and tell them about your circumstances it'll be fine. You can put an offer in and by the time it goes through you will have saved the money."

I tried to explain that in order to apply for a mortgage the bank would need to see the full deposit so I can't put an offer in now, but apparently I am wrong. You can offer on a house without having your deposit ready! (I mean, considering she thinks it'll complete in a month then I'm not sure how she thinks I'll have a deposit by that time but oh well.)

3. Estate agents are apparently fine with speculative viewings "just out of interest." Maybe they are in usual times (I don't know?) but surely now, they are only offering viewing to serious buyers who are in a position to move? Right? Funnily enough I am wrong.

4. The only people who use mortgage brokers are those with dodgy employment and poor credit. Apparently all brokers will fleece me. Yes, even the free ones. All I have to do is go to my bank and they will offer me the best deal.

5. I am a fool for looking for a house with extension potential. If I need an extra bedroom in a few years' time then I will just be able to buy a bigger house. Silly me!

6. I gently tried to suggest that things have changed in the 40 years since she bought a house. It did not go down well. Apparently I think I have all the answers.

She then said that she needed to hang up now because I was upsetting her so much. Er, ok? You rang me and the first words out of your mouth were that I was "stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid."

Anyone else have a mother who refuses to accept the world has moved on since 1982?

Irrespective of who is right and who is wrong, it’s probably wise to pull back from her a little. She doesn’t have to know about your finances, for example, so there’s no need to overshare. If you tell her every detail she will take it as a green light to opine.

I needed a broker as i didn't have permanent residence when I bought so probably wouldn't have had a mortgage without them. I am not sure I couldn't have gotten my rate without them, 2.05% but applying for a mortgage is nerve wracking and since its your first time, it pays to pay for peace of mind.

I was house hunting a year before I bought. As a result, the deposit when I actually bought was 20k more than when I first started looking. It can take a while to find a good place. You can always start. Even now, although I don't actually have the money yet to upgrade, I have called up about 3 bedroom flats I like so I know roughly the service charges/lease conditions of the development if anything pops up there when the time comes. and when i called, they always offered me viewings (even though I told them i own a flat I haven't even put on the market) but i always declined.

Yes, I understand I could get a mortgage in principle today... but I’d be very unlikely to be able to actually proceed to the full mortgage application until I have my full deposit.

“You shouldn’t be buying in (cheapish outer London commuter town) - you should be buying in Chelsea.”

Gosh - why didn’t I think of that?!?

Why are you discussing this with your mother then complaining because she gives you advice/ has an opinion you don't agree with? You sound as bad as each other.
Buying a property is a business transaction, there are many trained, experienced professionals out there who will give you the correct information, talk to them not your mum.

@GammyLeg

“You shouldn’t be buying in (cheapish outer London commuter town) - you should be buying in Chelsea.”

Gosh - why didn’t I think of that?!?

Haha!

A while back she told me she had been looking at Rightmove for me (I hadn’t asked her to do this) and sent me some links. Turned out she had set the price parameters to £300,000-£500,000! Oh how I laughed

@GammyLeg my Dad told me the same! Buy freehold in Islington/Camden. wait until the prices crash 50%.

I didn't wait, i bought a 2 bedroom flat in zone 3 north london.

I wouldn't speak to her on the subject again.

@0blio

Why are you discussing this with your mother then complaining because she gives you advice/ has an opinion you don't agree with? You sound as bad as each other. Buying a property is a business transaction, there are many trained, experienced professionals out there who will give you the correct information, talk to them not your mum.

She’s said she wanted me to send her some links to possible houses as she was interested. Fine by me. I sent her some and got all sorts of ridiculous comments back. One of them she liked and she told me to go to the estate agents tomorrow and have a look round. I replied saying that I can’t just yet for all the reasons above.

She then rang me. In the half second before I picked up I did actually wonder if she was ringing to offer me a loan to fill the deposit gap @PresentingPercy! Oh silly me. She opened by saying I was stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid and then went into an angry monologue about how I don’t know a thing, I think I’m an expert, I haven’t got a clue... when she paused for breath I said that no I haven’t bought before but I’m doing lots of research and generally suggested that things had changed in the last 40 years. She then said she had to go...

PPs are right, I’m not going to mention it again. I’m just not going to engage. There’s no point at all.

15 years ago things were a lot easier, didn't always need a mortgage agreement in principle etc. Have bought twice since then and decent EAs will very often require them. Some sellers didn't even let people view who hadn't had offers accepted on their own property. This can be frustrating but as so much time is taken up with all this i can see why any risk of wasting time is unacceptable. It all depends on the area and market.

Just smile and nod, op!

Gently suggested, not generally

@WunWun

I wouldn't speak to her on the subject again.

Agreed. I’m done!

My dad is like this. If I tell him what I plan on doing then he will proceed to tell me that it is dumb of me and why. So I don't tell him anything till after the fact. I take that quite far, like buying a house or when I married. Both told him when there were no backsies anymore.

My parents were a bit like this. They bought their house off plan in 1977 and never moved. But we're suddenly experts in house buying when I bought mine!

My building society gave me a terrible deal!

I think you're bang on the money here, with all your points. Your experience chimes with what DH and I went through when looking at buying a few years ago.

Also, her ringing you up and calling you 'stupid' numerous times is horrible, emotionally manipulative and totally OTT! Maybe you could consider putting firmer boundaries in place around how and when she's able to speak to you if she's that aggressive on other subjects too.

Incidentally, we had excellent experiences with mortgage brokers. DH and I are both self-employed, so the high street banks and building societies wouldn't even quote us. But by going through a broker we were given several good options. Finding a broker is a bit like finding a removals firm -- get recommendations from people you know and/or trust, and have at least exploratory conversations with more than one.

We bought our first house last march ( massive squeeze before lockdown!) our mortgage broker was amazing, and really helped us get the best deal. He will save us money in the long run. I would just ask around from your friends and go with whoever is recommended the most, or London and Coventry I've heard about them being good too! If you are a FTB buying a house right now with no chain, you might just about squeeze the house through before the stamp duty cut off. But you better get looking like right now, and get the best solicitors you can!

Don't worry about your mum, she's trying to help in a round-about way. Just ignore and do what you want quietly! She'll soon get over you going to a mortgage broker, I promise

Money saving expert is an excellent website to get balanced information from

I really don't understand the comments about brokers here. We are a very vanilla couple with full-time employment and high salaries. No credit issues. We have always got a much better deal by using the same broker we have been with for the last 15 years. I think there's some real misinformation here about brokers only being for "outliers".

On the rest of it, as someone else said, just smile and wave! Good luck with the buying process.

I agree @VeronicaVanHoopen - we have good credit scores, good salaries, very clean incoming / outgoing cash flo and we went to a broker as first time buyers (whole market broker, free to the buyer). They got us a mortgage with a well known bank, at a better rate than the bank themselves offered us.

@TheIris I love that your mums rant point 1 and 2 are in direct contradiction to each other. I dont love how she speaks to you and I'd have a think about whether that reflects her overall approach to you and how to respond in future

A good broker will save you a fortune, they often have access to deals that the banks won’t offer direct. I got a rock bottom interest rate on mine that the banks when I went to them directly couldn’t come close to matching. It cost £500 but saved me several thousands of pounds in interest payments.

Re mortgages, my FTB dd was pressured to use the EA’s in-house mortgage advisor, who found her the ‘best’ deal.
She then found exactly the same deal online for a couple of hundred £ less in fees.
Told the MA and he straightaway said he’d match it.

I would just zone out as she says anything and give a non-committal ‘ok mum’. Don’t tell her anything you are actually doing!

It reminds me of my MIL who always advises DH when buying a new car. She has never driven!!

just don't engage in these conversations - and if it comes up again just nod and agree

Then proceed how you want.

She's totally wrong about brokers

although what you say about not being able to complete before end of March isn't necessarily true - we offered start of the month - mortgage approved in a week, survey booked in the following week, searches underway and expect to be back in 3 weeks - I believe it depends where you are / which council as each have different lead times!

We also are lucky - no chain at all - so that's why it's been so quick!

Also with the house viewings - I would recommend going to view loads - rather than just the ones you are sure you would buy?

We never had to show any proof of funds either til actually getting mortgage approved for the property

So she's half right on a few things - but i wouldn't really be listening to her too much!

Definitely just shut down these conversations and do things yoursel!

put the phone on the table and walk away. Silly bint.