Where in UK to live for a better work life balance than Sevenoaks!

[goldenzog]

We moved house 3 years ago. We live in a beautiful, 5 bedroom house in the countryside near Sevenoaks with a big garden (1/2 acre). My husband works in London and earns a lot of money but is very stressed and miserable! I don't work, we have 4 very young children. He wants to quit work, take some time out to re-evaluate his life for 6month / a year and then take a job that pays maybe 40k per year but allows him to have a life and see our children grow up.

Where could we consider moving that is still a very nice area with a similar style house and a big garden is a must for 600k or under?! We are considering moving anywhere in the country, although our family ties are all in Kent. I'd love to live by the sea but think we might find that just as expensive. He'd like to be near the hills.

We want to have access to the countryside for walks with the dog/ bikerides etc but also walking distance to a decent vibrant highstreet with cafes, restaurants, cinema, swimming pool, kids playgrounds etc..

Where oh where should we move! I don't want to make the same mistake again!

I would think carefully about the income - we aren’t flash people either but as kids get older they get more expensive. Our extra curriculars alone for 2 school age kids are about £400 a month (riding, swimming, piano, scouts...). But I totally get you. I would think about alternative income streams - wind farms, holiday lets, rentals??

I think your budget should be smaller than 600k tbh. £40k supporting 6 people isn't a lot, and with only one salary and you not prepared to go back to work, you're not really solving problems here, just moving them around.

Have you looked at what other jobs outside the city your dh could realistically expect to be successful in?

He must be going to Canary Wharf if it is taking 1.5 hours, as it is only 30 minutes from Sevenoaks to London Bridge. How about just trying to find a job with a better commute first?

The one thing I hated about Sevenoaks was that everyone seemed to be in competition with each other.

I recognise this about some central Sevenoaks people, but not about the area generally and the surrounding villages. I find people very friendly and loads of people have lived there all their lives, it is more of a mixture of people and attitudes.

I don’t think you can manage on 40k even with no mortgage. That’s 2.5k per month take home without pension and commuting costs. Everything is so expensive in SE - hence why salaries are higher.

I think you should sacrifice what you want in a house. Move back into London so you reduce your husband’s commute. I’m presuming Canary Wharf if he’s in banking. You could get something in blackheath or Greenwich.

Most places! My house is 5 bed and sits on 1/4 acre worth circa £450k in Leics. Advantage here is if he decides he wants to reenter the rat race or do consultancy which involves some visits to London is we are only an hour away.

Ps £40k is a substantial salary (very senior manager/director) outside of London. Manager positions start at about £22k here, I'm on £28 and been looking for 4 years for something that pays better

I love the North West and Cumbria. Honestly the further north you go the more stunning the countryside. I grew up in the south east and had no idea it was so flat and boring! Make a big change and head north.

@Pip001 what a gorgeous house! If I win the lottery then that's mine ;)

Yep, he's going into canary wharf from one of the villages near Sevenoaks.
The commute is half the problem and I think the main reason he's got so depressed. But he also just says he hates his job now. He's been very depressed and even suicidal for the past 2 years but not really addressed that. He had a few sessions of counselling but now refuses to go back. My worry is we will make the change, he will feel great (obviously that will be fantastic!) but then we'll realise what we gave up. Or we'll make the move and he'll still be unhappy and we'll have more pressures on us.

I think first you both need to decide what he plans to do after his break - is he qualified as an accountant? Could he be a consultant? Does he want to set up his own business or be employed? Could he retrain during his time off?
As really, the work/job will surely dictate where you should consider living if the length of commute is an issue you no longer want.

I'm down in the West Country & a lot of things you mention you could get down here but of course, the down side is job opportunities & salary. You could definitely get a lovely 5-bed house for less than £600k depending on area, with reasonable access to beaches, hills, moors etc. & you have Exeter, Plymouth & Bristol as potential cities. But again it'll come down to the job he can get.

Is it possible to reason with him? Or is he just too depressed?

On a practical level, a good solution could be for him to move jobs and move house so that the commute is better. If he got a job near London Bridge, you could move to a suburban house in Orpington for example. Large house, large garden and 30 mins door-to-door. I'm pretty sure that would also be walkable to the green belt countryside.

I'm in zone 5 in Sutton but loads of people commute to London Bridge from Carshalton Beeches: 32 mins on the train but it's very peaceful (only a small parade of shops and not much traffic) and you can be a short walk from the station and still within walking distance of a country park, lavender fields, farms with farm shops etc. If you want cinema, swimming pool, climbing wall etc they're all less than 1.5 miles away. It's also cheaper than Sevenoaks.

Seems like something along those sort of changes could really improve the situation without doing anything drastic.

Worrying for you - your husband sounds as though he is under a lot of pressure. As others have said - and you have recognised - a relocation and change of job might not solve his problems. I know what the banking culture is like at the very top, but his employers do have a duty of care towards him. Has he said anything to his Line Manager at work about how he is feeling? Quite often there is counselling organised through the workplace that can be accessed and very beneficial. I know you say he refuses to go back, but he could try a different counsellor maybe. He's obviously an extremely bright man, how would he feel once the dust has settled and he is in another job, probably equally stressful but for about a third of the reward? It may not be the solution he thinks it will be. Is he hung up on having a large house and all the trappings or do you think he would feel it is a price worth paying to downshift? Is he a good father as well as a good breadwinner? Maybe being able to spend more time with your children with a less pressurised job could help him refocus on what's important and gaining a better work/life balance. He is crying out for help - as you recognise. No easy answer here - poor man and poor you.

Actually reading your update I would do the following:

1. Your husband needs to go to his GP and get signed off work
2. He needs to see a psychiatrist - does his work provide private health insurance/ a lot of big companies have good OH and counselling.
3. Once he’s done all that then make decisions, which may include you going back to work

It sounds like your DH is in a dark place and it’s a bad idea to make big decisions when you are there. As you say, you’ll make a big change (he’ll give up his job) and speaking from experience it won’t be the magic cure.

How much do you think is the job and how much the commute?
If the latter, consider relocating to Greenwich or thereabouts. Commute in 15 mins or so by bike or quick trip on dlr. You will have a smaller house and garden but the park on your doorstep.
If it is the job then think about what he could do and where that would be less stress. I work in banking but work part time and for an organisation that is genuinely big on work life balance. But I don't earn as much as I would if I moved to an investment bank!

Blueberry’s advice sounds sensible. I agree with Blue as well about a shorter commute- I have friends who commute to CW from SE London, on the DLR from Lewisham (trains/bus there from somewhere else) or Woolwich.
My partner has had moments of seriously considering quitting his high earning, highly stressful city job, but is coping a bit better since moving firm and having to travel less. He is also considering going in house somewhere in a couple of years which would entail a pay cut of several 10s of Ks but not as dramatic as your husbands proposed change, either in profession or salary.
I do think you may have to suggest/explore the idea of returning to part time work at some point, to relieve some pressure on your husband. Maybe then he’d be more comfortable exploring the idea of part time work for himself?

That sounds worrying. He hasn’t done what he can to address his mental health issues - he has the funds to seek different help if he didn’t gel with the counsellor and doesn’t want to access services through work. As the sole breadwinner and parent he has a responsibility to do what he can to feel better (I have a MH issue myself, though never as serious as your H’s sounds, and have often struggled at work, so have “walked the walk” on this).

A London banking job with a shorter commute could make a positive difference. Some employers are better on flexible working than others.

Given the circumstances I don’t think a big house move would be sensible.

Thanks for all the support.
I agree totally with blueberries advice and having been asking him to do this but he won't.
Which of the London banks are known for having a better work life balance, flexi time etc...?
thanks

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-62681757.html Proper doer upper by the seaside

Sorry, haven't read latest bit of thread. Ignore if that's inappropriate
x

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-81936047.html But if we're just after big houses with big gardens byt the seaside with a lovely quality of life, here's another

DH says Handelsbanken (Swedish) would be nice to work for, he loves working with a Scandinavian companies, but it depends on how senior he is and what area of banking. (He has worked with a lot of banks but isn’t a banker). Could he maybe see a life coach? My DH did while at his last firm.

@LurksNoLonger
we've been to Folkestone to explore and really loved it. Although the idea hasn't been met very enthusiastically by afriend who lives in Hove.

What are the best primary schools in the area? I'm worried they are all much much bigger than the tiny, very nurturing, little village school my kids are used to!

Do you or your husband still commute back to London?

We know people who commute daily either from Folkestone West or Sandling. They do work near St Pancras, though.

Getting to Canary Wharf sounds like it would take forever.

Friends living in Saltwood really like their village CofE school. It's one form entry so very small too.