Where in UK to live for a better work life balance than Sevenoaks!

[goldenzog]

We moved house 3 years ago. We live in a beautiful, 5 bedroom house in the countryside near Sevenoaks with a big garden (1/2 acre). My husband works in London and earns a lot of money but is very stressed and miserable! I don't work, we have 4 very young children. He wants to quit work, take some time out to re-evaluate his life for 6month / a year and then take a job that pays maybe 40k per year but allows him to have a life and see our children grow up.

Where could we consider moving that is still a very nice area with a similar style house and a big garden is a must for 600k or under?! We are considering moving anywhere in the country, although our family ties are all in Kent. I'd love to live by the sea but think we might find that just as expensive. He'd like to be near the hills.

We want to have access to the countryside for walks with the dog/ bikerides etc but also walking distance to a decent vibrant highstreet with cafes, restaurants, cinema, swimming pool, kids playgrounds etc..

Where oh where should we move! I don't want to make the same mistake again!

I agree with PPs this doesn’t seem like a situation that will be resolved by a house move. Also, imagining that 40k a year jobs won’t be stressful seems naive (and a little patronising). If he currently earns multiples of that, are you sure you will be able to live in the lifestyle you’re all accustomed to, in a smaller house, with four kids, for that much?
What does he currently do? Could he try to go part time, work for a smaller firm- do some kind of sideways move in his current line of work?
I have friends who work incredibly hard in high earning city jobs and they do work inhuman hours. But I’d want to know more about this alternative career and how feasible it is . As a pP said, the door back to his old work/field may be incredibly hard to get back through if he changes his mind.

We used to live in Sevenoaks OP, DH worked in Suffolk and drove 2hours each way every day. It was awful and had a huge impact on our marriage, so we moved closer to his work and everything is much better. Kids settled quickly in their new schools, I found work easily even though we could manage if I didn't work at all. We are lucky to live in a beautiful rural village where the quality of life is good. But it was the commute that was our issue, DH struggled with it on top of work stress. Now we're nearer, the stress is easier to manage. I think if commuting isn't your DH issue, moving house won't solve it.

The one thing I hated about Sevenoaks was that everyone seemed to be in competition with each other. It was very much about who had the nicest car, biggest house, went on the best holidays. I appreciate it may not be like that where you are, but in general Sevenoaks is a very 'keep up with the joneses' type town. I'm glad I'm away from that, I didn't realise how much it was impacting on me.

@funthief @LurksNoLonger

Correct me if I'm wrong, Lurks, but Hythe and Folkestone are polar opposites in terms of the feel of the places? I only know them from visiting family and friends but it seems that Folkestone is an edgy/creative place and Hythe is just all naice and 0% edgy? The latter reminds me of Sevenoaks although it's prettier with more OAPs.

I think we need to know his sector to advise.

My FTE salary is in a similar zone (public/third sector) and a job paying £40k still tends to require specialist knowledge, taking on responsibility at a whole-organisation level, UK travel and probably line-management. In some ways he could probably end up more ‘exposed’ than he might on £80k job in a higher-paying sector.
But it’s difficult to judge without knowing what he does.

I cant see you or him being happy bringing in a lot less money now you both have been used to having a lot more. £40k pa isn't much when you have 4 kids - I know people get by on a lot less, but I bet they arent used to the sums you say you are used to.

Be prepared for a big shock & the fallout when you start pushing him to go back to earning the big bucks again.

Speaking of earnings, I imagine the 40k would be just a top up to investment income?

West Yorkshire! If DP wants hills!

Woodbridge...Suffolk...

Sevenoaks is a really quick commute into London. Moving further out would surely increase the commute and stress? Or is he hoping 40k jobs are easily available wherever you move?

@blue25 I don't think a breadwinner for a family of 6 living in Sevenoaks commutes for 40k unless that's per month. Don't you think a lawyer, an accountant, chartered surveyor etc could quite easily walk into a 40k job most places?

Thanks for all the replies. I don't use mumsnet a lot so not sure how to reply to individuals but here are some answers to questions that popped up..

He is in banking - earning 100k plus bonus a year (which isn't going to endear us to anyone!). As some posters have pointed out a job with a 40k salary is still going to be very competitive and as he's been in his job since leaving uni he might really struggle to get a job offer outside of banking. The worry also is that his hours potentially could be much longer. He is extremely lucky that he works 9 to 6pm, but the commute is 1.5 hours each way so makes for a long day and means he doesn't see the kids in the evenings.

I don't think adjusting to a lower salary will be a problem. If we sell our current home then we could buy a 600k house mortgage free and we are very unflash people. We don't fly, we don't eat out much, nothing we enjoy doing really costs much money. We don't have any friends earning anywhere near as much as he does. He more fell into his job straight from university because he is very intelligent and geeky, rather than pursuing a certain lifestyle!

Before this we lived abroad (with the same job) in the suburbs of a big city. We were really really happy, despite starting a family out there with no support network. His commute was shorter, we lived in a one bedroom flat with no garden but we had a million things to do and big parks right on our doorstep. It's not an option to go back though and we want to be in England now.

I don't want to go back to work. I only worked for a couple of years out of uni and have been out for 7 years.. I wouldn't be able to get a professional job and l love being home with the kids, I wouldn't pay someone else to do it.

Thanks for all the replies, its great to bounce these ideas about and making me feel much clearer about the issues. I will be looking into all these places. I hope this post doesn't come across as really patronising as someone said, and self pitying when obviously we are incredibly fortunate. That's exactly why its here on mumsnet though and not something I would discuss in real life with people!

THANKS

Why is his commute to the City so long from Sevenoaks? Any option to work from home for a day a week, or (if office presence is mandatory) work a nine day fortnight?

We lived in Sevenoaks for a bit and my husband commuted. We were all quite miserable. Unless you live really near the station the commute is long. It wasn’t that friendly, and there’s not much to do. Unless you live right in the centre (with attached price tag) you have to drive everywhere which I hated.
Much happier in much less picturesque part of London!

We are city people I think and much happier in zone 3 garden flat than the Home Counties

Do you both have pension provision?

Head down to Ashford, some beautiful villages there (Wye, Pluckley, Smarden to name a few). 35 mins from London and 10 mins from the sea front.

OP,

Taking a lower salary job may not end with less stress and commute could still be long. May be as start he could try doing reduced hours or 4days a week. Also where does he commute to? May be move to somewhere close to his work on rent for couple of months and see if that helps.

OP, is your husband definitely ready to give up his career and basically start from the bottom of the pecking order again?

The commute sounds awful and really impacts your family life. Perhaps you just need to find somewhere with a better commute? A house close to a station with a direct train to work?
You could also look in London. We're in zone 5 and can walk to field with sheep, farms, a country park etc. So you could have good luck looking within London too.

@JoJoSM2 yes you’re right, they are slightly different in feel though the West End of Folkestone is very leafy and all wide avenues and big period buildings which remind me vaguely of Crouch End or Blackheath so more mum-ville than urban creative if you like 😁. I tend to imagine the whole area down there as a spectrum beginning in lovely, quite, “naice” Saltwood growing progressively younger and edgier as you head Eastwards through Hythe, Seabrook and Sandgate to Folkestone West towards Dover 😁. The Creative Quarter (Central) and the East Cliff is where most of the cool types hang...Obvs If you end up in Dover itself you’ve gone too far as it tends towards ‘fairly dodgy’ rather than edgy, but you hopefully see where I’m coming from!

quiet not quite

You don't mention anywhere on your long list of requirements access to a decent train line for commuting again - what is your husband going to do after his 6-month break?! DH is also in banking and we are looking to downsize when he retires in a couple of years (a lot older then you and with kids through school!) and I do think you will struggle to find the large house and garden - certainly not by the coast - and close to a lovely town for your budget. There are definitely parts of the country where you can do it but you will be a long way from family and your husband will struggle to find a job in his field that doesn't require another long commute. I think before giving up his current work he needs to have a good and realistic plan of what he could do afterwards and investigate whether it is really feasible and whether with his background he will be considered for those type of roles.

Well, if he's been in banking that long he ought to have some decent savings and a decent investment head. You can probably think quite radically at downshift HUGELY to a small holding, or something else (wind farm? B&b?) which will bring in a bit of income, with some more income from investments.
Also look at the FIRE movement- on that income you should be able to come up with some plans that involve very little work long term, if you are up for a radical lifestyle shift.
OR move much closer to work and enjoy the lifestyle you enjoyed abroad- live in Brockley or similar, with a smaller mortgage and less house, maybe with your partner on a 9 day fortnight, and live it up!

I didn’t realise a commute from Sevenoaks could take that long, 1.5 hr each way! I understand you say you’re not flash, but by accepting/hoping for a family income of 40k regardless of being mortgage free, are you going to have room for contingencies/uni for four children and decent pension funds for you both? Unless as someone says you already have lots of savings and investments.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-61748238.html

How about around keighley, it is an easy commute to Leeds which is the largest financial centre outside London. There is also Yorkshire building society HQ in Bradford and skipton building society (in skipton).

If your DH wants to get out of banking, other big businessss with HQ in Leeds are Sky, William Hill, Morrison’s, Asda and soon to be Channel 4. The house is more moorland than hills but being right in the heart of bronte country it is very beautiful.

It depends where in London you work. I commute from Sevenoaks into Canary Wharf and its 40 minutes from my house to work. I don't live near Sevenoaks station. I wondered how senior your husband was and whether he's able to set his own hours? Hubby and I have been working flexibly for the last four years ie since I went back to work. I also work with lots of senior-level men who work part-time and can sometimes be the case that men don't want, or afraid, to have the conversation about reducing their hours. I don't know what the case is with your husband - is the hours, the job, the industry, the commute etc.? Sabbaticals are encouraged where I work, perhaps this could be an option for him to get his thoughts together? I'm pleased that you're both able to talk about this together.