Elderly parents and downsizing

[labradoodles]

How have you bridged the topic?

DM and DF live in our family home which they were bought new in 1968. It’s a nice 5 bed detached with about 1/4 of an acre of gardens, in the suburbs. They enjoy having my brother and family from abroad to stay with them.

They are both 82, in good health but have aged a lot over the last year or so. They enjoy hosting dinner parties and love their grandchildren to bits, and are active within community groups such as WI and Probus.

I think they need to make the move now whilst they have time, rather than rush the move if one falls ill etc. They both still drive but DF should probably stop soon.

They seem to be struggling more with the garden, they’ve had it re jigged to be more manageable and have a gardener to cut the grass etc. My df inherited a full size pool table which he has a games room for. He doesn’t use it much anymore but is tied to it.

I’ve looked at bungalows around here but they are very expensive for what they are. There are some lovely flats here with lift and village access but seem to all be built for childless couples rather than the aged.

DF can’t think of anything worse than being couped up in a retirement village with other older people. He is ferociously independent.

Any advice?

I really worry about the future with my parents; I work almost full-time & live over an hour away (in good traffic). I cannot realistically get there during the week.

When the next crisis happens, I don't know how we will manage; I have a 5 & 9 year old. We truly are the sandwich generation.

Most of my age group are working full-time (mid-40's). How can you possibly care for parents, whilst supporting your own young children & working? I think this will become more of an issue as most women (who previously took in the caring role) are now working. Who is going to look after our elderly? (And a 15min care package x 4/day is nowhere near enough.)

I don't value sentimentality at all. Hard cold truth is, in follow up to my original message: if it's not broached constructively in time, the stress on the parents and children is awful not to mention steep decline in quality of life.

My poor MIL is trapped and restricted after her stroke as FIL will now not budge. She's not had a shower got 6 months as no access to bathroom and won't socialise as having people over for longer than an hour means she has to go on a commode in the dining room, within an earshot of potential guests as no downstairs loo. No dignity whatsoever. FIL does an amazing job looking after her as he's very sprightly for his age, but he's resentful of having to pay care bills and has been reducing them saying he doesn't need them which is another crisis in the making. MIL, when FIL not present talks about wanting to die as she feels her life is pointless. Can't argue as being stuck at home all day being wheeled 10 feet from bed to bay window (garden is so cluttered it's not easily accessible either) is a nightmare for someone previously mobile and social.

It's a mess and it's very very hard to have sensible conversations when he's already under pressure, stressed and upset. I wish we had those conversations earlier.

My strategy for now is keep broaching and suggesting downsizing and move closer to us to spend more time with us and their grandchild. We are using DD as a bit of a bait as they love her (and she adores them) and FIL in particular is absolutely able to look after her (which he enjoyed doing before MIL's stroke). Manipulative as it sounds, it is our only negotiation tool. At the moment we cant take her there too often due to travel time and also the house being a bit of a death trap due to clutter. We live in hope that one day that message lands.

Ps. None of the three children of PILs are bothered about money/inheritance. They just want their mother to be comfortable. FIL did look at bungalows when MIL was still in hospital but rejected them on the basis of price (that and paranoia about estate agents wanting to trick him which made progressing things very difficult)

secondhanddreamsdealer it all sounds immensely stressful and the FIL sounds extremely problematic :(

I really worry about the future with my parents
me too, I can manage my own life, any spare capacity I have goes to help my children, I feel very disinclined to sacrifice my wellbeing

@Wordthe thank you

At the moment it is and it isn't in a sense that with FIL being in ridiculously good health (he's got energy and fitness of a man 20 years younger - part of the problem as he sees himself as invincible) does a lot of the caring and does the life admin competently. I shudder to think though what would happen if something happened to him.

Which is why I'm keep having these conversations even if he bats me away. I still hold out that one day he'll see the light.

Of course in the old days many elderly people shared their offspring’s home. DH’s nan basically lived in his family home since they were kids, and so did his grand dad when he was alive. When they were retired It helped MIL and FIL out as they could do a bit of babysitting and household chores. But of course they were extra mouths to feed and only had state pensions I think. Extra heating costs as they were at home during the day.

However for DH’s nan lived till she was in her mid 90s and the last few years of her life were quite difficult for MIL as she ended up the main carer. It was difficult for them to even go out for the day never mind on holiday as there were no other carers coming in.

MIL now says there is no way she would inflict herself on her sons and daughters in law as she found it so stressful herself and has every intention of moving into sheltered accommodation with her sister if FIL dies before her.

@Secondhand, he sees himself as invincible, and yet his wife, from your description, is enduring a living nightmare
how can he be oblivious to her suffering, it sounds very cruel

@Wordthe

This is precisely what we are struggling with too. I think he has gone into complete state of denial.

It's also not black and white as making him into a cruel bully which by the way I had him down as initially too. It served no purpose as I just got irritated and locked horns with him. He clearly really loves his wife and cares for her meticulously. When she was in hospital he was there twice a day with freshly cooked meals prepared to encourage her to eat. He attended all physio sessions and was incredibly hands on. He still is doing all of it now. He's doing her exercises with her, gets her walking on the zimmer although she can only walk the length of the room a few times and cooks from scratch every day. From his perspective she's getting better and he genuinely believes that she will make a full recovery so no need to move as it'll all be back to normal soon. She loves him to bits (and he loves her too) and she won't upset him by complaining. He won't give her the space to do so either. At 85 they are both of the generation where feelings and desires were not discussed. She only confides in DP who is her favourite son (she admitted that to me once) and me, as I always talk openly about my feelings so I suppose she feels safe to say that she feels depressed. FIL is aware but dismisses it as the side effect of stroke which he thinks will clear once she starts walking independently. He confides in me too as he sees me as a neutral sort of friend and as I helped him with key hospital meetings where he felt my assertive firm manner made a difference to MIL's care. Truth is, I was assertive but also reasonable and polite while FIL was having digs at them stemming from his mistrust of medical profession so that's why responded well to me. He won't have that assertiveness from me though. He's a stubborn and proud man who made all the decisions in the house throughout his life and will not accept help or advice where he feels he's got it under control.

However, sprightly as FIL is he doesn't go to bed till 11 to give MIL her last toilet break and gets up at 5 am to be up with her as she wakes early so he's knackered. FIL got into alternative medicine some years ago so we have to also ensure his rants at medical profession and the constant going on about big pharma and how everything can be cured with vitamins.

My mother who knows them both saw them at Christmas after a few months break and was shocked at MIL'd decline in vitality and spirit.

DP is frustrated but the family dynamic means he just locks horns with FIL. But he goes to see MIL religiously every week and that gives her joy. Younger BIL is actually very sensible too but lives 5 hours away and as he was pushing the downsizing and decluttering too assertively, FIL blacklisted him somewhat. They still see each other but FIL will stonewall any suggestions or even offers to help sort stuff.

Sorry, that was a long long essay. I suppose it's nice to get it out of me as it's forever on my mind.

Also, for any of you reading with parents that are still fit and managing just fine, do start thinking and talking about it NOW. I cannot stress how important that is. And look at your family dynamics. Any fault-lines or existing tensions will only get worse with age in your parents and in you as illnesses or incapacity in one of them will trigger them massively and this is the crucial time for families to come together.

Hope this is helpful and sorry for rambling all.

@Secondhand don't apologise I really feel for you, although from reading your post I am finding it hard to see the father-in-law as anything other than domineering and controlling

appreciate that you probably have to put that aside in order to try and deal with the situation
The generation above me is mid 70s currently, all I see is them virtually laughing off any suggestions given by the younger generation, but they still expect their son to come over and help with the garden the huge garden that they would not even consider moving away from 🙄

part of me just wants to say 'alright have it your own way'
and leave them to it

Younger BIL is actually very sensible too but lives 5 hours away and as he was pushing the downsizing and decluttering too assertively, FIL blacklisted him somewhat. They still see each other but FIL will stonewall any suggestions or even offers to help sort stuff

Or was he being strategic the younger brother in law
and it paid off because now he's out of the firing line.....

@Wordthe Yup, we see that too. The question is: how do we deal with it? He's always been that way. The situation has exacerbated these traits and apart from kidnapping MIL (which would destroy her) ww can all try to influence best we can. I go there too and keep talking to him while DP looks after his mum's mental well being. That's all I can do at the moment.

If someone dealt with this type of situation successfully please let me know. Happy to hear anything that would make a difference.

I do see your point, calling them out wouldn't really work, they would react defensively and do some sort of DARVO manoeuvre
With these things it really seems like a game of strategy to some people they hover and work out the right time to make the move and do a runner leaving the other person bearing all the load
it sort of becomes a game of chicken
a grim game of chicken

then again I guess your brother knew the family dynamic well enough that he thought he could easily manipulate the situation to his advantage

As you say the younger brother-in-law is very sensible - he knows full well how to look after his own interests

It's unfair of MIL to complain to you and DS and not to DFIL. I would try to detach a bit. Stressing yourself over a situation you cannot change is pointless. The thing is that something will give, most likely DFIL's health and a complete change of plan will be required.