Elderly parents and downsizing

[labradoodles]

How have you bridged the topic?

DM and DF live in our family home which they were bought new in 1968. It’s a nice 5 bed detached with about 1/4 of an acre of gardens, in the suburbs. They enjoy having my brother and family from abroad to stay with them.

They are both 82, in good health but have aged a lot over the last year or so. They enjoy hosting dinner parties and love their grandchildren to bits, and are active within community groups such as WI and Probus.

I think they need to make the move now whilst they have time, rather than rush the move if one falls ill etc. They both still drive but DF should probably stop soon.

They seem to be struggling more with the garden, they’ve had it re jigged to be more manageable and have a gardener to cut the grass etc. My df inherited a full size pool table which he has a games room for. He doesn’t use it much anymore but is tied to it.

I’ve looked at bungalows around here but they are very expensive for what they are. There are some lovely flats here with lift and village access but seem to all be built for childless couples rather than the aged.

DF can’t think of anything worse than being couped up in a retirement village with other older people. He is ferociously independent.

Any advice?

It sounds exhausting if you have to manage this move for them like that!

My parents are in a similar position, at 70 and 86. Basically they are putting their heads in the sand. If they really won’t move, it would be perfectly possible to adapt their current home to make it more future proof (though they’d still be miles away from all DC), but they think there is no point as anyone wanting to buy the house would want to give it a complete refurb anyway. As both of them would absolutely loathe being in a care home as they are very antisocial, this seems completely counterintuitive to me. The way things are currently would mean if they go downhill there is no way at all they could stay at home. Very frustrating.

I am out the other side.
My father downsides from a massive house of seven bedrooms into a retirement flat of one bedroom.
He is 86 and has been in two years and says he made the decision at the right time. However HE made the decision not us. He loves being so flexible and not tied down with a list of things to do.

My elderly neighbours stayed in their huge house until their deaths.
They simply rearranged their living space to the ground floor and when the time came they had a live in carer.
Family took turns to come and stay.
Of course, the real issue is affordability.
Is the need to downsize practical or financial?

I think that even if people are willing to move, then unless they are moving from a very large/expensive property, there may not be much available in the right area that isn't a great deal smaller (too small in their eyes) and where financially, the difference just wouldn't be worth all the hassle and upheaval.

Few are in the happy position of one newly retired couple I read about, who sold their large family home in SW London for well over £2m, and moved into a spacious 3 bed flat with 2 balconies overlooking a royal park, for £1.3m.
(But I hated them, since they got rid of their dog, which no longer fitted their new lifestyle.)

I don't know why older people are expected to downsize - if they have the financial means to have a gardener, cleaner etc why move from a spacious home where you have lived for decades and that is full of family memories?
My parents happily lived out their days in our old family home with the help of a stairlift, accessible shower, a daily carer and, eventually, a live-in carer.
What they spent on adapting the house to their needs was less than they would have spent in a care home, and was far less stressful than moving.
I would never have tried to, and couldn't have, persuaded them to move to somewhere smaller.

but if you arent willing to consider accommodation which is suitable for your needs as you age then you are, in effect, throwing yourself on the mercy of others
either the state or your relatives will have to pick up the pieces

Living in a compact, supported flat can make staying in your own space practical for much longer and may mean you don't have to move into a care home.

Loneliness is one of the big issues for old people, supported living helps massively. The flats are smaller and easier to care for, they are especially designed for older people. There is a warden who can help and assist.

My DM lives in a supported living flat, she gains a lot from helping the older residents. She feels valuable and useful and it has given her a new lease of life.

One cannot tell parents to downsize, one can only tell oneself this. Come back in 20 years about your own feelings about downsizing!

I’d say don’t interfere if they have capacity to make most decisions. We’ve neighbours who are mainly over 80 in our village and all manage just fine in very large houses.
There are thyou could do to make their lives easier - pay for a gardener to do the hard work in the garden or pay for a cleaner.
To be honest, people trying to push elderly people to make life changes they don’t want but where money is involved always make me question the motives.

The problem lies when elderly people live in unsuitable houses they can't manage and refuse to pay for services to help them stay there and keep them safe (gardeners, carers, cleaners, stair lifts, taxis, etc), rather expecting family to step up and run around after them instead. endof the line "family took turns to come and stay". How utterly selfish. They have every right to stay where they are by all means, but their choice shouldn't disrupt anyone's else's life.
Stubbornness and denial to plan for their old age, and more importantly fund it, is the very reason many elderly are in and out of A&E like a revolving door.

On the other hand, Cherry, I think some family members quite like the idea of a large family home going up and up in value as their inheritance, even if their relative is struggling there, rather than them going into supported accommodation or a nice care home, which often works out rather expensive.

It doesn't necessarily mean downsizing, a big but suitable house is probably better than a smaller unsuitable one. My DGPs house wasn't the biggest but it had narrow stairs that you couldn't fit a stairlift, upstairs toilet only and steps from the hallway to living room and backdoor to garden. You couldn't have made it work for elderly people.

There are also alternatives to moving as pps have said.

PILs (in good health early 70's) have specifically made the decision not to move.

However they've recently completed a huge overhaul of their current property (new windows, redecorated throughout inc new kitchen, carpets - literally everything) to future-proof it.

They've done a massive de-clutter (including the loft) and got rid of at least 2 skips worth of "stuff" they realised they were just hanging onto because they had the space but didn't really need/use.

The gardens been re-landscaped to make it more manageable but most importantly they added a small extension in the form of a downstairs shower room (with a walk in shower that has seating) just off the dining room with a view that when they need to they will make that room their new downstairs bedroom, leaving the upper floor of the house for family/careers if needed.

Given they have a good size kitchen diner it's a good use of this room in the future.

They are happy where they are and frankly I think they've made a good call on this.

DeRigeur, the problem with making too many changes like that it is could put future buyers off, as they woukd have to maybe spend a lot to turn it back into family living accommodatio again

I understand what your saying Curley but they've done it very well.

The new bathroom is really only the slightly controversial change but could easily be converted into a downstairs study for example. Putting in a bathroom can be pricy - taking one out isn't.

The house looks lovely and they have definitely added value (the garden is so much neater and appealing) by updating all the furnishings and especially all the new windows (which should also reduce heating bills).

I'd also add that given they don't want to move - the concept of future buyers isn't really a concern to them .

I honestly don't think they've done anything that would put anyone off (the reverse in fact) but even if they had it would be the price of enabling them to stay in their home and they are as entitled to spend their money on that as anything else...

They simply rearranged their living space to the ground floor and when the time came they had a live in carer.
Family took turns to come and stay.

This is the situation that endofthelinefinally described cptartapp. How on earth did you interpret that as being "utterly selfish"??

The elderly couple sorted out their house and care needs by having live in carer. Staying in the large house enabled family to take turns ro come and stay ... No one's lives were disrupted!

My friends ( mid 70's ) moved from a manageable bungalow but huge garden and out buildings 4 years ago , what prompted them was me putting my own property on the market due to management costs and size , they haven't looked back , they bought a brand new 4 bed house , small garden but still big enough to enjoy - small enough to mow to perfection in 30 mins rather than sitting on a ride on mower for 5 hours every week as per previous bungalows garden , they now get pleasure from their garden rather than finding it a chore , I'm so pleased to see them as happy as they are with more time and Money freed up to spend time travelling and with family - they made the move at the right time whilst they could manage their old place rather than letting overtake them

I have tried to have the same conversation with my parents - they aren't interested in moving. They have a large 5 bed house and large garden but won't even consider moving.

To answer your question on how to broach the topic - they started to ask me to do more (life admin stuff they can't do as they aren't online) and if they said things like "if you were nearer you could help do [whatever]". I used this to say "Perhaps you should think of being nearer to us" and I sent a few leaflets of really lovely apartments near us - but my Dad said no and I've respected that completely. Good luck!

My neighbours weren't the least bit selfish. Their family and extended family enjoyed coming to stay with them. Their young adult grandchildren spent a lot of time visiting and brought their friends and subsequently their own children.
They were very pleased to inherit the house when the time came so I don't think anyone had a problem.
The old couple had put in many years of free child care for their grandchildren so it all seemed fair to me.

Well villageshop my husband’s in his 60s and we’re considering upsizing. No intention of downsizing, why would we. My DH still works as a very busy HCP, frequently 12 hours at a time and he walks and bikes for miles.

Some people have some really odd ideas.

Molakai if the carer met all their needs 24/7 I would wonder why family would need to 'take it in turns' to come and stay. It suggests there was some reliance on their regular input to stay where they were. Which is often 'expected' but not always feasible or fair. As it turns out it seems they had one eye in the prize and were somewhat beholden to paying back free childcare. Maybe I'm cynical. I wouldn't want to be on any rota for all the tea in china. It seemed to suit that family, I'm glad it worked out for them but years as a district nurse and my own family experience have shown me it rarely works out that simply.

Well villageshop my husband’s in his 60s and we’re considering upsizing. No intention of downsizing, why would we. My DH still works as a very busy HCP, frequently 12 hours at a time and he walks and bikes for miles.

Why would you upsize? And what on earth have your husband’s activities to do with the size of your house?

Some people have some really odd ideas.

@BlueJava, you say you respected your parents wishes about downsizing

will they respect your wishes not to move closer and have your life dominated by catering to their increasing needs as they become more frail in unsuitable accommodation?