Elderly parents and downsizing

[labradoodles]

How have you bridged the topic?

DM and DF live in our family home which they were bought new in 1968. It’s a nice 5 bed detached with about 1/4 of an acre of gardens, in the suburbs. They enjoy having my brother and family from abroad to stay with them.

They are both 82, in good health but have aged a lot over the last year or so. They enjoy hosting dinner parties and love their grandchildren to bits, and are active within community groups such as WI and Probus.

I think they need to make the move now whilst they have time, rather than rush the move if one falls ill etc. They both still drive but DF should probably stop soon.

They seem to be struggling more with the garden, they’ve had it re jigged to be more manageable and have a gardener to cut the grass etc. My df inherited a full size pool table which he has a games room for. He doesn’t use it much anymore but is tied to it.

I’ve looked at bungalows around here but they are very expensive for what they are. There are some lovely flats here with lift and village access but seem to all be built for childless couples rather than the aged.

DF can’t think of anything worse than being couped up in a retirement village with other older people. He is ferociously independent.

Any advice?

Looking at this from the perspective of an older person; I would hate to downsize, and I would be very put out if a relative ever suggested it. There is a lot to be said for having plenty of space for hobbies/guests, and of course, a lifetimes collection of furniture etc, most of which would have to be disposed of.
My parents, now deceased, lived in a large house. As they became a bit too old to manage it all they employed a gardener and a cleaner - problem solved. I know employing people is costly, but then, so is moving house.
Op, I am sure if they really want to downsize, they will do it. The 'want' has to come from them.

We absolutely begged my late grandparents to downsize from their very unsuitable house and they wouldn't consider it. My DGF had a real shit last few years of life struggling up and down the stairs each morning and night and being effectively trapped during the day with no access to a toilet.

I agree that in their 80s the time may have passed.

I don't think it's so much about size of house, (although space can be an issue - my father collects books and wouldn't even consider moving to anywhere that didn't have space for them all) but suitability of where they are.
We asked my parents in their late 70s if their house at the time (our family home) would be able to meet their future needs (with any necessary adaptations). They reckoned it could, although I think they were wrong.
Anyway, in the end, it was being too far away from family that made them consider moving to a bungalow near my sister - in their early 80s. They had about 3 years before my mother fell ill and then died. My dad managed alone (and being in a bungalow was a great asset, although didn't remove the need for paid-for support and assistance) for a further 18 months and then decided he wanted to live to a care home.
We had done a significant amount of house-clearance for the "big" move 5 years ago, but we're currently clearing the remainder. It's a big job. My dad has had to do a massive cull of his precious books but has been able to keep a fair few.
It HAS to come from them, and accept that you will need to offer significant assistance, whether they jump now or later.

Fine to have the conversation, but they have to want to downsize otherwise it just won’t happen. You don’t mention their finances - if they have enough money to pay to buy in help (and are prepared to accept it) that might be the better option. Also, are you close by? My parents (two sets) are what I would have once called ferociously independent, but as their abilities start to diminish they will depend on you more and more.

The point about the correct age to move is a good one. Having seen my parents’ difficulties, and knowing that as I get older support from friends and family is likely to be more limited as they’re getting older too, I have just downsized in my early sixties to a smaller, single storey house with a smaller garden in the same area. Cue lots of jokes from friends about old people living in bungalows but I love it. I also found moving extremely stressful (after nearly 30 years in the same house) and I would have found it really difficult to cope with if I’d been 20 years older.

Agree with pps, it's really too late to do it in a positive, pro-active way. They might as well stay where they are-and they sound like they're coping just fine-until they actually can't be there any more. It's not up to you, that's for sure, and they aren't dead yet, so yes clear out and of your own tat but be very cautious about 'helping' box up the rest of the house.

Now, if the question was 'should my 60-something parents move 3 hours to be closer to all their children/grandchildren', it might be different!

I have just downsized in my early sixties to a smaller, single storey house with a smaller garden in the same area. Cue lots of jokes from friends about old people living in bungalows but I love it. I also found moving extremely stressful (after nearly 30 years in the same house) and I would have found it really difficult to cope with if I’d been 20 years older.

This exactly. We've done the same and are so glad we did it now, in our early sixties, as it's been horrendously stressful and exhausting, made harder because we bought a run down bungalow so have spent the last 6 months doing it up.

Things we have learnt are important are to downsize locally where you already have friends and family in an area that you love and is familiar and do it sooner rather than later. Friends in their 70s have left it too late, and for those in their 80s it would just be impossible.

The other thing I've realised is how much our old furniture, tatty and old fashioned though it may be, makes this new place feel like home. So the bungalow has been beautifully renovated and looks really modern and fab, and I like to think we've achieved a sort of eclectic bohemian chic look with our mismatched and tatty old furniture!

My parents are not elderly yet. But they've driven me and DSIS up the wall with with talk of moving, and where they would move too. But not actually looking seriously at places. We've told them just to send us a change of address card. As we are sick of hearing about it!!

Don’t be too frustrated with them, Toddlerteaplease. Put yourselves in their position. It’s a huge thing for them. They will have to come to terms with the idea first and can only do that by having lots of conversations about it. Just take it with a pinch of salt but be ready to listen and give them advice.

I know you’re probably ready to jump in in a practical way but they won’t be emotionall quite there yet for that.

A old person in a large house with all the effort involved is more likely to have to go into a care home, especially if one partner dies.

In a retirement flat, the flat is smaller and so easier to get around and look after, Is is especially designed for older people. You are surrounded by people in a similar situation. Old people suffer from being lonely and isolated. There is a warden who can check on you.

If you want to stay in your own surroundings for as long as possible a retirement flat is your best bet.

With ageing parents you will probably have to have the conversation about moving at some point. The issue is do they move into a retirement flat or a care home.

I had this chat with both parents before dad died. Like you, I thought if they wanted to move, it was better if it was done in a non urgent way.

they thought it over, visited some flats, then decided they'd rather stay in the house. Dad is gone now, and there's still an argument for mum to stay in the house. it's her home, it's got 3 beds, so if at some point there's a live in carer, there's room for that person and also room for me to come and stay.

If we moved her to a 3 bed flat, she'd just lose the garden, and if it was a 2 bed, then I'd not be able to stay when a carer was staying.

so it makes sense all round to stay.

My parents have just downsized in their 80s so I don't agree at all that it has to be done at a younger age - it's their mental and physical health that is key.

But I couldn't agree more that the desire to move has to come from them. In my parents' case I think they were heavily influenced by the experience of watching my mothers' parents not downsize in time. Plus my dad was finding their old place harder and harder to get around.

It is early days and they are still getting used to a much smaller and less flexible property - the one thing I know they regret is having bought a place with an open plan kitchen/diner/living room as it means my mum can't escape into the kitchen and do her own thing like she used to. But they were able to spend a fair bit and it is ideally located for them, is brand new (great insulation, no bits that need mending), is all on one level with a lift, and has no garden. I think they'll be very happy there.

It took months for them to prepare for the move - they had so much furniture to get rid of and I think they found that hard to start with.

My mum downsized last year at 81. It was very hard and extremely stressful but she is so happy now so it was worth it. She had equity in her old house, which she struggled to maintain, so now she has no financial worries either.

Re leaving it too late - we have lovely elderly neighbours, both mid 80s and increasingly frail, but still, with help coming in and taxis to the shops etc. they are more or less managing, in a family home of several decades that's not over large.

However they are under a lot of pressure from one of their children to downsize and move a lot closer, although the the dc doesn't live very far away - and I think doesn't realise that they are only still just about managing because everything is completely familiar. The couple don't at all want to move.

From experience with an elderly relative of dh's I have seen how even with no dementia, things like an unfamiliar cooker, or even taps that turn a different way, can completely throw them.

I'm pretty sure that a move at this stage would be the beginning of the end for these two and TBH, given their increasing frailty I dare say there will be some sort of crisis sooner or later, or else the death of one of them, which will force a move anyway, very likely to a care home.

I know their dc means well, but I do wish they would turn the pressure right down.

@villageshop I’m embarking on my renovations in the next few weeks! So even more stress to come, and I’m currently alternating between excitement and terror. Glad yours turned out ok.

What type of accommodation do you think they should downsize to? Bungalow/sheltered accommodation/retirement home? Moving now into say a bungalow could be setting them up for several moves as their needs grow. Buying in care and keeping them in their own home as long as possible will be more affordable and potentially better for the mental health.

Good luck, @MrsFezziwig It's definitely worth it and a great opportunity to arrange things to suit your own way of living, and decorate to your own chosen style.

On the subject of things being familiar - that is turning out to be far more important than I first realised, and I agree with GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER 's comment I have seen how even with no dementia, things like an unfamiliar cooker, or even taps that turn a different way, can completely throw them.

Years ago with my own mum I used to regularly 'tidy up' (she lived in chaos), not knowing how lost it would make her feel as she couldn't to find things unless they were in front of her nose. I later realised I wasn't helping at all and feel bad about that now.

My parents never downsized inspite of me trying to get them to do so (and to move nearer to me). My DF died suddenly aged 86 and still in good health (or so we thought). My DM continued to live in the house but only used downstairs - she hadn't been able to get upstairs form any years. They were fortunate to have a downstairs bathroom and bedroom (we just had to have the bath removed and replaced with a wal in shower). We had to do any jobs around the house at weekends - including the gardening. She stayed there until she died aged 87.

My PIL's are in their 'downsized' house! This means they moved from a large house in 5 acres of grounds in the middle of nowhere to another house with 1 acre in the middle of nowhere in a different part of the country (but near to a relative). At 91 and 93 they are getting people in to help with household maintenance and DFil has carers in once a day to help. DFil can't get upstairs so lives on the ground floor whilst Dmil manages fine in spite of her failing eyesight.

They all made their own decisions and whilst it not what we would necessarily think of as ideal both lots of parents managed/are managing.

I can understand why your parents don't want to move and as someone said earlier, I think that ship has already sailed anyway. They will not want the upheaval and the trauma of getting rid of their belongings at their age - even if they are not using things such as the pool table.

Its a difficult conundrum. My parents are 70 and 78 and would not countenance in any way moving from their large 4 bedroom Edwardian semi. My DM is not prepared to live anywhere with lower ceilings and my DF hates change. The house is packed full of stuff and they also have a holiday home in France which DH and I visited for the first time in 8 years this summer. I was aghast to discover that this too is packed to the rafters with 'stuff'. Both properties and gardens especially are increasingly unmanageable for them but they refuse to face up to the reality of this and martyr on... It is simultaneously depressing and exhausting to watch and quite frankly I dread them passing on and the huge task they will leave behind. I am adamant that DH and I will not do this to our DC.

Mine did this 12 months ago. They do admit they should have done it years before but they simply wouldn’t do anything about it when they were fitter. They are both physically very unable to do much at all now they’re in their 70s so it was 90% Dh and I that did the declutteting and move.

It was incredibly stressful and exhausting, to the point that I really began to wonder that we should not have attempted it. But then again they were starting to struggle badly where they were, so it had to happen really.

Even after the move it was clear they hadn’t decluttered nearly enough and the whole year had been a slow ongoing process of sifting and sorting. The rooms of their new flat remained full of boxes for months and there was much agonising about throwing more things away, which has been difficult.

I also feel the same as RetroFair and never want my dc to have to do that for us. I consciously don’t hoard stuff now and try to have regular clear outs. My parent’s house, (oh god the loft!) was stuffed with 50years of paperwork, photos cards, old toys, it was hard to know where to begin and it’s draining having to make decisions about so much at once when it’s all loaded with memories. A lot of the paperwork even had to be taken in bagfuls to a company that do large scale shredding.

To be honest, although I’m relieved they’ve done it and that the sorting out is over, given their mobility, I think (to myself at least) they may still have left it too late as they still struggle on many levels. If they’d moved sooner they could have enjoyed their new home much more fully.

We have this issue at the moment with MIL. I think it's really hard for everyone.

My Mum had to persuade her parents to move to sheltered accomodation when their retirement bungalow (with large garden and 4 bedrooms) got too much for them, then again when GM health got so bad she needed to go into care GF came to live with us so another big move. DM and DDad move in their 60s to a new house built to their specifications across the road from the farmhouse they had lived in for 30 years. I think your 60s is the time to do that. But another move might be necessary!

MIL is recently widowed, lives in a large old fashioned (1 bathroom downstairs, inadequate heating, dodgy electrics) victorian house that she can't really afford to live in now her income has halved. She describes herself as rattling about but I think the work of moving is overwhelming and SIL (who lives abroad) has said she doesn't want her to move (not sure how seriously that was said) which MIL is using as a reason not to move. DH would have her here but I'm reluctant to take that on, she's independent now but at 82 that might not be true for long.

I have an elderly relative who downsized in their 90s after their spouse died, and it’s given them a new lease of life so I wouldn’t say 80 is too old.

I think time to do it is before 70.

After that, it's a case of throwing money at cleaners & gardeners, encouraging them to clear out "stuff" & ensuring there is adequate finances to pay for carers etc.

Mine are in the old family home at 76 & 82. Dad has dementia & would never have agreed to move when he had capacity; just now it helps him being in familiar surroundings.

But it's taking it's toll on her; maintaining a 4-bed house with large gardens is a lot of work. It has needed some major repairs (new garage roof) & it's overwhelming her at a time when she already has too much on her plate (as a carer).

I wish they'd moved years ago, but they wouldn't make that decision.

We've moved last year in our early sixties to a renovation job bungalow. So glad we did it while we still had the energy and there's time for it to feel like home and become truly familiar before old age sets in. Sixties might sound old to young people but we would still be in full time jobs if we hadn't downsized so we could give up paid employment before 66 when pensions start.

It was extremely hard work and very stressful but we learnt from my mum not to take on too much - she did up a rambling farmhouse in France in her sixties, it was full of several lifetimes stuff we had to sort through, most of which went on huge bonfires as to bring it all back to the uk would have been impossible. Like others here we don't want to leave our DCs with such a difficult task when they are grieving and trying to come to terms with life without us. It will be hard enough for them anyway so if we can just leave them a nice tidy bungalow to sell that will help during such a difficult time. And we can stay here until the end, hopefully not for another 30 or so years!

It seems to be a very tricky area!

My parents (71 and 76) have just moved. I'd been encouraging them to do so for years, but agree completely with PPs that it has to be their decision. What worked for them was moving from an old 4/5 bedroom house with an acre of garden into a modern 4 bed house, much smaller garden, modern heating system, etc. They've still got plenty of space for hosting their friends, having family to stay, etc. but without the burden of feeling like the house, maintenance and garden are never ending. The getting rid of 'stuff' has been massive and is still ongoing (I daren't let them into my garage any more in case they decide to 'gift' me anything else ...) They got a good price for the house as it was in a good state of repair (rather than looking like someone's died there) and the new house is much cheaper freeing up some extra cash which they're enjoying spending! I'd keep going with the suggestions, but be open minded about where they might move to.