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Original poster

Is anyone else struggling with stereotypes when buying????

95 replies

BarchesterFlowers · 16/09/2017 09:25

Estate Agent - fairly posh one - Memorandum of sale addressed to Mr & Mrs DH's first name Flowers - put that right.

Survey - completely separate to anything else, random firm commissioned by me, DH's name nowhere near it, paid for by me, emails all from me - addressed to Mr DH's first name Flowers.

What are these people on, it is 2017. Never encountered this before in my five previous purchases. DH is as Hmm as I am.

OP posts:
HidingBehindTheWallpaper · 16/09/2017 16:05

I had this when buying my first house.
We had to fill out both our details on a form. One section for each person. I filled it out and put myself as person 1 and DH as person 2.
The solicitor phoned up to ask what our relationship was. I pointed out that I am Mrs Wallpaper and he is Mr Wallpaper and shouldn't that give it away. The solicitor said that they assumed we were siblings as my name was first!

DragonMamma · 16/09/2017 16:09

This would piss me off too!

As with your situation OP, I'm driving this sale and DH is just along for the ride (and the extra space!), to the extent that the EA forgot to put his name on the memorandum of sale.

My solicitor also addresses correspondence to Mrs Dragon and Mr Dragon, but then they are my employer so maybe that's why.

I would hate to be called Mrs DHs name Dragon.

SayNoToCarrots · 16/09/2017 16:16

I had to correct a Mrs to a Ms on my memorandum of sale, but it was done within the hour with no issue. Our solicitor wrote everything as we asked on all the paperwork , and letters were always addressed to both of us.

Surely they can't put Mrs HusbandsFullName as that isn't your legal name!

It's just some misguided (usually old) people's idea of etiquette when addressing personal letters / invitations.

Clayhead · 16/09/2017 16:49

It's so, so rude and lazy.

The car dealership I deal with are fab. I use a local double glazing firm and I've never had an issue.

But estate agents!!! Only phoned/dealt with me but everything addressed to him. As an aside, one company didn't show us anything as they must've thought it wasn't worth it; subsequent conversations with our new neighbours were awkward as they wondered why we didn't view their house (we wanted to!).

PettsWoodParadise · 16/09/2017 17:06

I get this with our accountant. I prepare all the accounts and do all the liaison with them. I pay the accountant's fee. DH is the one and only who got invited to the retirement party of the senior partner, if they weren't cheap and good I'd find another accountant.

When organising a visit with a view to getting a fitted wardrobe recently I was told my husband 'had' to be there. I gently explained it wasn't for the marital bedroom but for my daughter's room and she would be there, they suggested again my husband should be there as it would be a financial decision I couldn't make without him. I nearly exploded with apoplexy as I am the sole earner. Yes DH's input in how we spend the family money is fair enough, but the implication from the salesperson was I had no money of my own so DH had to be there. Needless to say I didn't book that firm!

Original poster
BarchesterFlowers · 16/09/2017 17:27

Flipping heck Petts Wood - I would have told the wardrobe people to shove it.

I don't suffer fools, have no problem with addressing it at all but it has annoyed me immensely and I am fairly laid back generally.

DH would be happy to stay where we are. I am on a drive to be in a position to give up work should I wish to - don't want to yet but I want to be able to. Had a few health issues this year which has really put things into perspective.

I have done it all, found the houses, arranged the appointments, chosen the solicitor, arranged the mortgage, surveyor, deposit is mine, etc., etc..

Can you imagine being married to one of these men I am dealing with?? Some poor female is!

OP posts:
QueSera · 16/09/2017 17:28

We have had this with virtually all the estate agents we've ever dealt with over the past two decades. Many. And most other professions.
It's a fucking joke because I am always the one who organises everything, hence i am the sole point of contact - yet they address everything to my DH - hilarious as they call him Mr [firstname] Que, yet he actually has a different surname to me lol.
Sexism is alive and well. They just cant seem to imagine the little woman being able/allowed to make any real decisions - hence only officially dealing with The Man Of The House. Sick.

GreenTulips · 16/09/2017 17:38

Yep I've had this! Found a car test drive or, filled in the forms, paid for it and documents arrived in dHs name!

I had to sort it for the insurance otherwise I'd lose my bonus

Then they send 'due for service' letters address to him!! I refuse to pay them for a service

Prior to that we viewed a car for DH and before the test drive took our full details - clearly Mr GT and Mrs GT

He then asked 'are you married?' To which I said Yes but not to each other!!! He didn't know what to say!!

steppemum · 16/09/2017 17:49

They also gave me that codswallop about how it had always been done that way, and the man's name always came first etc etc.

to which the answer is - the world changes!!

Solo · 16/09/2017 18:56

Blimey! I do EA admin and always address the Memo of Sale to Mr A & Mrs B Jones or Mr A Jones & Miss D Smith, etc.

Gizlotsmum · 16/09/2017 18:58

Why the Mr first solo? Even if you have dealt mostly with the miss/mrs?

GoldTippedFeather · 16/09/2017 21:32

I am struggling with this at the moment too!

DH is awful at anything admin based (he is wonderful in other ways!) So all estate agents/solicitors/surveyors have only ever spoken to/emailed me. They only know his name as he owns half the house. Yet all mail is to Mr and Mrs (DH initial) Feather.

I asked my friend if they'd think me awkward if I corrected it and she said yes but its grating on me.

MajorClanger123 · 16/09/2017 21:56

Me and my DH jointly own a business together. I man the office and always, without fail, whenever anyone calls, get asked whether they can speak to Mr MajorClanger, the business owner. I explain that I am the business owner too and they can speak to me. They are always, without fail, expecting a man and assume I'm just the secretary answering the phones. I can hear the surprise in their voice every time. Makes me Angry

Solo · 16/09/2017 23:28

Almost always deal with the man in the main; no idea why. I guess if I mostly dealt with the Miss/Ms/Mrs I would address them as Mrs I & Mr N Charge, though.

Solo · 16/09/2017 23:30

Also, I think tradition has a lot to do with the putting him before her and it's not mean't to belittle her at all.

Original poster
BarchesterFlowers · 17/09/2017 04:12

Tradition doesn't wash with me Solo. Tradition also meant that women didn't have the vote or go to uni, that they stayed at home with children and weren't able to contribute financially.

Things have moved on, it seems this sector hasn't.

OP posts:
Babyiwantabump · 17/09/2017 04:18

All email correspondence I get from estate agents go to MR female name surname . I don't get it! They know I'm female and am buying on my own but all mail goes to MR!!

Dadsussex · 17/09/2017 07:14

From a male point of view here

Tradition works both ways, many posts on here about a man expected to pay on a first date comes to mind....,,,,lots of ladies here still want that and expect it, others don't

I agree the EA has it wrong regarding the names in your situation - but tradition in relation to mr and mrs xyz comes from the place where people were married, those couple dynamics have changed especially in the last 50 years.

However sexism is alive against men too:

Men's names on birth certificates
Recent posts in women's pension ages
Mums save at Iceland adverts
The name of this forum : Mumsnet enough men use the forum for it now to be parentsnet surelt?
Mothercare. The name bugs me every time I go in there
Mother and child parking in some places
Ladies night in freemasonry (recent post on MN)
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls - the saying..... perhaps we should change that!

I could carry on...

And as for dear sirs (as mentioned above), it's the formal way of writing openly to 2 or more professional people when unsure which one will deal with the correspondence

I 100% support equality - however why ladies don't regularly support the equal rights of men annoys me

Mother and toddler groups are my main gripe - where is the MN post saying boycott them until it becomes parent and toddler?!?!

Or shall we now pick on the word 'boycott' as being Ild fashioned and sexist too? :-)

I'll crawl back under my rock now

christinarossetti · 17/09/2017 07:30

I wish it was possible to discuss issues that affect women without a man or men attempting to play discrimination Top Trumps.

Original poster
BarchesterFlowers · 17/09/2017 07:41

Quite right. The surveyor is an educated chap who should know better, despite everything else, he has entered into a contract with me and DH, not just the latter.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 17/09/2017 07:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dadsussex · 17/09/2017 07:48

See that is totally wrong of you and in no way did I, I actually 100% agree in equality as I said before

As for top trumps:

So point on where you on this forum have 100% stood up for men's rights? The idea of a forum is to offer different views, I've done that by talking out against stereotyped as per the OP and you attack men as 50% of the population!

The fact is discrimination still goes both ways and men seemingly have to suffer in silence

The OP posts to get 40+ posts agreeing with her but when agreeing with her and me pointing out arguably bigger issues affecting men that makes me play top trumps?!?!

Personally I'd say mr and mrs on a letter is a lot less sexist that an enshrined physical convention of mother and child parking, or mothercare as a shop

The above is not top trumps, it's life and fact

I'm not here to argue per se and on many occasions I've told men on here they were wrong in their attitudes

I do however find it amusing that men and male views are top trumps when discussing a broader issue

dudsville · 17/09/2017 07:49

I know it's "convention" and not "meant" to be belittling but is 2017 and neither of those positions has a place here. I rang to put an offer on our house, they rang oh with the outcome. I felt belittled and embarrassed. I put 1/3rd house cost the down, oh hat nothing to add at the time, yet still everything was addressed to him. I felt shame and I felt silly that it mattered to me so I didn't raise it.

exLtEveDallas · 17/09/2017 07:54

Oh I had this buying a car - I made the appt, I test drove it, I agreed to buy it, I paid the deposit from my debit card and I paid the balance direct transfer from my bank. Organised the insurance with me as owner and main driver, DH as second driver. Went to pick up the car and Hartwells had registered it in DH name! I was NOT a happy bunny.

(Whereas the v small independent garage where I bought our run-around car managed to deal with me perfectly - and they are the ones that got the repeat business, services, MOTs etc for both cars)

Alicetherabbit · 17/09/2017 07:55

My estate agent missed dh off the memorandum of sale, and the replacement one. Maybe it's how they initially input in system