Painter/decorator 'friend'... would I be giving him the wrong impression/ leading him on?!

[Flammingstar]

Hi I am after a little advice on a sort of moral dilemma.
I will shortly be moving into my new flat and finances are extremely tight to say the least. I have recently lost my job and I am going to have to decorate and furnish the place myself on limited funds.
It's been a hideous few years. One thing after another and finally I will have my 'own' (housing association) place and a little bit of security.

The other huge problem is that I am completely useless, I can't do a thing although I am good with design/colour and quite creative!
Severe back pain and 2 prolapsed discs also severely limit what I can do because the pain makes me exhausted quickly.
This will seem like I am going off subject, but bear with me!!
A few months ago I met a guy on a dating site and we went out, Unfortunately he wasn't the sharpest and he had forgotten his wallet!!! I ended up paying for all of the drinks and the taxi back to my place.
I knew he was genuine because he was mortified and so apologetic.
The next day (Sunday) I was cooking a roast and he was over the moon at being 'spoiled' and was very 'into' me!

I was not really into him though and I told him after the date that I juat wanted to be 'friends' and I was not into him romantically at all. I tried to be kind and say that he was not my type.
This was true, but what i didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him is that he irritated the living daylights out of me even in the short time we spent together and I don't find him attractive in any way!!
He made it clear that he was gutted and kept on about taking me for a slap up meal, as friends, to make up for being an idiot on the first date.
I kept making excuses and we never actually went out. He still messages occasionally to say hello and for some general chit chat though.

My dilemma is that he is a painter/decorator/handy-man....... and I am going to need a lot of things done at my new place!!
The list is endless.... wallpapering, curtain poles put up, washing machine plumbed in, blinds fitted, furniture assembled and that is just the start
..........so my question is do I ask him to help out to 're-pay' the favour instead of the meal or would that be leading him on/using him??
I don't have anyone to help me do anything at all and I know that I am going to struggle and get really frustrated and miserable that I can not achieve anything or get the place looking homely and comfortable?
I was thinking that if I offer to pay him at a reduced rate or something it won't seem so bad?
What would you do??

You Tube is your best friend. There are videos for just about every DIY job there is. You can learn to assemble furniture, work a drill, hook up a washer all there on You Tube. It may take you more than a day to get it done because you have to work around your bad back, but you can do it.

I was very nervous about DIY. The answer is just to research everything to death, and search all your questions online as everything will have been asked and answered at some point. Ikea furniture is simple, but even so I looked up YouTube videos of people putting it together and followed along step by step. It made it simple. I am very confident about flat pack now. Same for decorating. You are not useless, you are just new to these skills. Most of it is more simple than you'd think.

Ok so last time you got paint everywhere. This time you make sure you cover the carpet and windows with dust sheets and masking tape and off you go.

Have a bit of self respect and dignity ffs

I think Wind was trying to point out to you that driving isn't really an unreasonable thing to expect an adult to be able to do. You say am I expected to do x and y, well if you want to be self sufficient and not have to rely on internet dating to find workmen for your house then yeah. I don't get why you'd wait till you were up the ladder before you watched the YouTube video either! If you are really so picky over having a nice house, you have to put in the work or suck it up. Trying to dodge that by banking on this mans crush is what makes you sound entitled, sorry.

We have several friends in the trade, plumbers etc, who do work for us sometimes. I would never ask for mates rates as it's their livelihood and frankly they don't make a lot.

I would be straight with this guy and say, we're grown ups, forget about the date but would you quote me for this xxx list of jobs in my new flat?

If you are going to have your own place you should have a little tool kit for basic maintenance, you can't get a person in every time a cupboard handle falls off. If he feels he owns you a favour he could help you shop for that!

I'm very handy round the house. I can do basic plumbing and wiring, I have made built in wooden cabinets from scratch and I can repair walls and decorate better than most decorators.

HOWEVER, although I will now use YouTube/google to give pretty much anything a go, I have been very fortunate to be able to learn all my basic skills from watching and helping people in real life, starting from helping my Dad round the house as a little girl. I can completely understand how if you are new to all of this it could seem beyond you.

My advice would be to, as another poster suggested, try to find a local handy person or neighbour who will do odd jobs for around £10/hour, but use those opportunities to learn from watching and helping them as they work. Don't look at it as paying for someone to plumb in a washing machine, look at it as paying for a lesson in how to plumb in a washing machine. Next time, with the help of YouTube, you'll be able to do it yourself.

Good luck

I think you are cheeky. Most of the things you have listed can be self taught. Start with YouTube.

Op when I got my first flat I had never used a drill. Thanks to YouTube and taking my time I am now a competent diyer, and I get a high standard of finish. You'll need to be patient and take your time because of your back, but you can do this, without mr handy.

He's asking to pay you back because he wants to take you on another date - not because he wants to decorate your house for free!

I think you could get away with asking him to put up some shelves, maybe. But don't be shocked if he takes it as a sign of interest.

Have you had a look at the self adhesive wallpaper B&Q sell? That could be an easier fix than painting or properly papering.

He should have offered to pay you back before now. But don't ask him to do your decorating on the cheap. That would be taking advantage. It's his livelihood.

Helpful Peeps is a skill swap website (I'm sure there are others). You register for your local area and post what you need help with. Obviously you wouldn't put the whole list of jobs needing doing all at once, but if you ask for someone who'd be willing to help assemble furniture or teach you how to put up shelves (say) in return for home made cake or a meal or conversational English practice or whatever skill you'd be willing to offer in return, you may well get someone interested in helping out.

I've seen several in my area from people not well enough to garden or decorate but people have volunteered to give them a hand in return for their skills.

Nothing worse than muddying the waters with a date gone wrong I'd say - much better to not feel you owe something in those situations.

You absolutely don't need 'prior knowledge', just look up 'how to put up a curtain pole' on YouTube watch it a few time then give it a go, it's really not hard. I taught myself to do loads of stuff that way. Only as my very middle class DP won't do anything as he grew up with people 'just getting a man in', you do sound a bit the same tbh

Have more faith in yourself!

I agree with the pp that you should try it yourself before you give up but I'll try my best not sound superior about it.

@ShotsFired gave great advice about a magnolia canvass, I think the ex date guy will be good for over the telephone advice for things that you're unsure about after internet/mumsnet/YouTube. I would accept any OFFERED help and keep it platonic (unless your feelings change) repay time and effort with time and effort. I'd happily spend a morning working at a friends in exchange for an afternoon of good food drinks and company.

I'd recommend you don't buy too much furniture/stuff and work on one room at a time in this order.

Bedroom (while you sleep in living room).

Living room

Kitchen

Bathroom

6 months for EACH room is a realistic timescale in your circumstances.

I put up a roller blind this weekend despite having never picked up a drill before. I watched a YouTube video and copied it. It's really not hard. I also learnt to paint by watching some videos. When you have to do things yourself, you just get on with it.
Do you not have ANY contacts/ex colleagues who you are on friendly with who you could ask to help. They might help for a couple of hours now return for a cooked meal/4 pack of beer.

I'm sure that if you're capable of painting a wall and getting paint on the carpet, you are capable of doing it without getting paint on the carpet next time. I like to use a disposable polythene sheet on the carpet (you can even use masking tape to stick it to skirtings, with some risk of having to touch up after) with an absorbent dust sheet on top. I stick to dulux or Crown for a reliable finish, but value rollers etc are fine. You've already started learning. Your paint went a bit globby last time, so put it on a bit thinner next time and/or try a different brand. If the edges weren't great, use masking tape or try a different technique. You can totally do this. (Also being less of a perfectionist helps - no one else will notice the flaws.)

The skill swap thing is a good idea if you can think of something you can offer. Have you looked for any local groups on Facebook? Even if it's just a facebay for the local area, it's worth a shout out. There are networks of these things, it's not about who you know already.

We've gone from painting our first wall to fitting a kitchen over about 10 years. My first tools were from the pound shop, and I still use some of them. Yes it's easier for me because I have a partner to learn with but I also started before it was all on youtube. I would say painting walls and assembling ikea furniture are the easiest things to start with.

The thing is, it doesn't actually matter that you're single, have prolapsed discs and no family. It's still not reasonable to ask someone to do all that in return for what was what? About £30 in drinks and food? £30 worth of labour would maybe get you 2-3 hours.
I know it's tough. I moved into a house on my own at 23 with no help. I used YouTube tutorials a lot! It was daunting but I generally go by the mantra that I can do anything I put my mind to.

WhereamI
It doesn't have any relevance what class in society that you do/don't belong to.
I was never ever shown or taught anything when I was growing up.
I never had any male's in my life...no father/Brother/uncles etc so how was I supposed to learn??
Anything that needed doing, my mother paid someone and I was told to keep away from the tradesman and not bother him!!
If you don't have any knowledge or skills it's extremely daunting and scarey.

I didn't learn DIY skills from males. I learned them from research and videos. In fact I'm now married and still do all the DIY. DH is shit at it.

flammingstar stop making excuses. it really won't bother any if us if your new house isn't how you want it, but clearly it will bother you so we are just trying to tell you to pull your finger out and learn. that is all.

Never had males in my life growing up. My single mum couldn't afford tradesmen. She got a book from the library and taught herself. Whilst managing an autoimmune disease. It's not only men who can do these things, I am now better at DIY than DH. Skill swap has been suggested many times but not acknowledged but you can cook a roast at least - that's something many can't do. Offer that as a skill?

Never had anyone show me either. My way of thinking is that I'm a lot more intelligent that most tradespeople do nothing can be that hard. I don't do electrics but I cam do pretty much everything else. So can you.

OP I moved out of my(abusive) mums house when I was 17 in to a private let. I paid the rent myself on the pittance I was earning. I had second hand furniture and I saved up my measly few quid each month until I could call it a home. Yes I did mad things like painting wood with a tin of cheap fluorescent Matt paint I found in the cupboard. But I learned quickly and within a few years it looked lovely. Please drop the woe is me attitude, you don't need to have been taught or need a man or have bundles of cash to learn how to do a new skill. Asking that guy just keeps you in this cycle of neediness.

We will soon be moving into our new home. Renovation budget 100k. I also feel

'I know that I am going to struggle and get really frustrated and miserable that I can not achieve anything or get the place looking homely and comfortable? '

But we will still have to wait probably a year to get planning permission/builders etc. Our first house house we learnt it all and did DIY. Second we renovated over 5 years (with 2 kids). I know no one who moves in to a fully done up hose no matter what their budget. It's tough. Suck it up!

What mooneypie said. We've just bought a house. It's still going to take us years to get the house how we want it... putting a bit aside every month, doing the work ourselves (myself, more accurately). That's just how it works, generally.