Painter/decorator 'friend'... would I be giving him the wrong impression/ leading him on?!

[Flammingstar]

Hi I am after a little advice on a sort of moral dilemma.
I will shortly be moving into my new flat and finances are extremely tight to say the least. I have recently lost my job and I am going to have to decorate and furnish the place myself on limited funds.
It's been a hideous few years. One thing after another and finally I will have my 'own' (housing association) place and a little bit of security.

The other huge problem is that I am completely useless, I can't do a thing although I am good with design/colour and quite creative!
Severe back pain and 2 prolapsed discs also severely limit what I can do because the pain makes me exhausted quickly.
This will seem like I am going off subject, but bear with me!!
A few months ago I met a guy on a dating site and we went out, Unfortunately he wasn't the sharpest and he had forgotten his wallet!!! I ended up paying for all of the drinks and the taxi back to my place.
I knew he was genuine because he was mortified and so apologetic.
The next day (Sunday) I was cooking a roast and he was over the moon at being 'spoiled' and was very 'into' me!

I was not really into him though and I told him after the date that I juat wanted to be 'friends' and I was not into him romantically at all. I tried to be kind and say that he was not my type.
This was true, but what i didn't tell him because I didn't want to hurt him is that he irritated the living daylights out of me even in the short time we spent together and I don't find him attractive in any way!!
He made it clear that he was gutted and kept on about taking me for a slap up meal, as friends, to make up for being an idiot on the first date.
I kept making excuses and we never actually went out. He still messages occasionally to say hello and for some general chit chat though.

My dilemma is that he is a painter/decorator/handy-man....... and I am going to need a lot of things done at my new place!!
The list is endless.... wallpapering, curtain poles put up, washing machine plumbed in, blinds fitted, furniture assembled and that is just the start
..........so my question is do I ask him to help out to 're-pay' the favour instead of the meal or would that be leading him on/using him??
I don't have anyone to help me do anything at all and I know that I am going to struggle and get really frustrated and miserable that I can not achieve anything or get the place looking homely and comfortable?
I was thinking that if I offer to pay him at a reduced rate or something it won't seem so bad?
What would you do??

Ohhh and I cant drive a removal van because I don't have a licence. I suppose that I am supposed to 'learn' how to do that and produce a licence from thin air too?!

At best it would be using him. And at worst, it would also be leading him on. Find another way.

It's a horrible idea (and the amount you can have spent on him would only lead to a tiny discount anyway). You'll have to find another way like everyone else. It would be beyond cheeky and wrong to expect a discount rate because you had a couple of dates.

Clearly you're determined not to hear that and to regard yourself as helpless though. Your choice - you can keep on with that but it'll cost you, either in money or in burned-out goodwill - in the end.

Could you ask him to teach you instead? A morning teaching you the basics would repay the debt but without taking the piss?

You don't have anyone but you clearly have the internet which is what I was suggesting.

I don't have anything constructive to add but I've given you two ways to help yourself i.e. Skill swap with INTERNET USERS or stop feeling so sorry for yourself and watch a YouTube video.

You don't want to hear constructive answers to your issues, you want to keep up this negative, useless pretence so that people do everything for you. Lazy, entitled and unable to listen to reason.

Loads of women cope alone. Get a fucking grip.

I cant drive a removal van because I don't have a licence. I suppose that I am supposed to 'learn' how to do that

Yes. If you want to drive a van, learning how to do that and getting a license is the recognised way. Millions of people have done it.

WindBeneth
How exactly am I meant to learn to drive and pass my driving test with NO FUNDS??? And by next money.... not only are you not constructive, you live in a fantasy land and have absolutely NO idea of the difficulties faced by people in the REAL world.
I am NOT lazy and most certainly NOT entitled.... I have worked damn hard for every single penny I have.
I started working when I was 16/17 and apart from a couple of years at Uni I have worked ALL of my life (25 years approximately) so how dare you ASAUME that I am entitled and lady.
I have worked in low paid jobs on min wage and 'circumstances' such as the separation with my partner and having to flee my home have previously meant financial difficulties and an inability to save. Not that I have to justify myself to you..
In addition I would like to say that I have worked in a caring profession for most of my life and caring for people which in some cases MAY have been YOUR relatives has lead to horrific back problems. I wouldn't be so quick to judge when you are clearly blind, ignorant and stupid if I were you.

That should read next Monday

well what would you have done if you never met this man?

i dont think it would be a good idea he might get the wrong idea

All I hear is ranty excuses tbh. Why can't you watch YouTube exactly? You are on the internet now.

You tube is only good if you have some skills to begin with. Like I say, unrealistic. It's easier said than done to stand on a ladder with a drill when you haven't got a clue what you are doing....ohhhhh and not forgetting your phone in the other hand with the you tube tutorial.....maybe I should put together the cabinet, wallpaper the wall, plumb the washing machine and cook the dinner at the same time??? According to you, miracles are possible after all.
I don't see you being quite so judgemental or trolling your "lazy and entitled" crap now that you actually know the FACTS

Hopefully OP you knocked the idea right on its head. Deep down you knew it wasn't an option just as everyone on here has said.

With that query answered over to the next one. How to get what you want done with without any diy skills, and with no help and little money.

You have three choices.

1.Follow other posters advice and have a go yourself. Do one small thing to begin with and build up from there.

1. Get to know your new neighbours and ask if they can give you a hand with something small like putting up one curtain pole.

Start saving and get a handyman in. I've just used one at a cost of £15 an hour when I had been quoted lots more by a tradesman. It's amazing what can be done in an hour or two.

But the main thing is to realise that things do not have to be done all at once and perfectly.

I'm a single mum and I've been in my house for more than 10 years and I've only now nearly finished changing things. But it's satisfying knowing it's all my choices and that I paid for it myself.

@Flammingstar we are all trying to encourage you, don't take offence and get angry in response. We only know what you say on the thread, and trying to come up with ideas and suggestions based on that limited info.

We all believe in you!

All of those skills are eminently DIYable. I don't see any fundamental problems now I know the facts, except of course for your fixed determination not to learn to do any of them.

Your choices are: live with the place as it is, decorate it yourself, or pay someone else to decorate it. You were gonna have to pay this guy something to do it, even at a discount, so pay someone else over a longer timescale.

You sound ridiculous at this point. Why is learning to improve yourself and your skills using the free tools the internet has made available to you a "miracle" that only other single women manage to achieve? Why am I a troll for suggesting you learn how to take care of yourself instead of honeytrapping a man you met on the internet you seem so desperate to write off.

ShotsFired and others I genuinely appreciate your advice and support and I take it on board.
What I severely object to and find disgusting is that certain posters have called me "lazy and entitled" when they have no information about me whatsoever and definitely no facts.

I had zero (never changed a light bulb!) skills in the DIY department but found learning hugely rewarding. Having your own place after having to flee your old home will be a huge step but making it your own yourself will feel amazing.

Anyone can learn to do anything. And it would feel infinitely better than leading on an undesirable Tinder reject you couldn't stand to spend the evening with. This is a fresh start and the perfect chance to feel more independent. Good luck OP!

Just seen the latest posts after refreshing.

I am trying very hard to stay upbeat and positive, but it's getting harder as every suggestion is being knocked back

So I shall try one more time to offer help in regard to the specifci example posted most recently by you @Flammingstar: It's easier said than done to stand on a ladder with a drill when you haven't got a clue what you are doing....ohhhhh and not forgetting your phone in the other hand with the you tube tutorial.....

If it was me trying to put up the blessed curtain pole for the very first time in my life (which I have personally done, so I am not just making shit up):

1. Measure my window and obtain pole that is long enough. I know poles need to be a bit longer to take the curtain material when they are open so they don't cover the glass.
2. Look at the pole brackets and fixings (that usually come with it)
3. Beg , borrow or steal a drill and the right size bits (you can buy a drill later on down the line)
4. If needed, watch a video of how to measure, mark and drill the holes (angle, pressure, hand position etc).
5. Drill the holes and fill with rawl plugs. And yes you may well be up and down the ladder several times to rewatch the video or read instructions during any of these stages. No big deal.
6. If needed, find a suitable video of how to hang the type of pole you have.
7. Watch it several times, pausing and rewinding each step to check it.
8. Give it a go. Yes it will be tricky, yes you may have to hold bits with your arms, shoulders, elbows, even your head as you manoeuvre the bits into place, but it'll eventually slot into the brackets.
9. Thread on the curtains after that.

10. Congratulations, you have just hung curtains on a pole!

As for maybe I should put together the cabinet, wallpaper the wall, plumb the washing machine and cook the dinner at the same time??? According to you, miracles are possible after all.

• These are not miracles. They are all pretty much the same process of learning, trying and doing. Everything you do in your life is the same and you have got this far ok. The only things I wouldn't attempt are actual plumbing (pipework etc) or electrics.

As I keep saying, yes you can do this. Break it down into bite sized chunks and take it slow and steady. Think how proud you will be when you draw your new drapes the first evening.

(If it makes you feel better, I have a wonky shower holder thing because my drill slipped when I was drilling into the tiled wall. Its been wonky for almost 15 years now! I also have paint splashes on carpet, ceiling and furniture, dents where I have knocked furniture into walls and myriad other little mistakes. So what?! You don' thave the luxury of throwing money at the problem, so its either roll up your sleeves and give it a go/learn a new skill now; or put up with something you dislike until you can pay someone to do it for you every single time forever more. I know which I'd begrudge more.)

I know what you mean as I have just moved (single parent) and there are some things I can't do eg lift or move heavy stuff and some things I find too tricky eg put up a curtain pole. I am sure there are many women who can but I am not inclined to learn.

I pay a handyman £10 an hour to do odd jobs and it is amazing what he can do in that hour eg unblock a sink, replace a door handle, move a piece of furniture, fix a light etc etc. I save up the jobs to get them done in one go. Could you afford to do that?

ShotsFired and others..
I genuinely do appreciate your help and advice and I take on board what you have suggested and some useful tips.
What I do find objectionable is that a certain poster called me "lazy and entitled" without knowing any of the facts or anyrhing about me.
I think that any 'reasonable' person would have gotten angry at the judgemental troll tbh. It's all very well giving 'advice' but when the advice is neither constructive or helpful in any way, I think that it is wise for the troll to go elsewhere.

In terms of doing things myself, I am not adverse to learning, I just have so little basic skills that it is scarey and daunting. I don't want to botch the jobs and end up paying more for someone to fix my mess.
Plus there are practical issues.....some jobs simply need 2 people.
I once painted one wall in a previous property red and I made a hell of a mess. Got more paint over me and the carpet than the wall!! I spent ages trying to scrape the paint off the carpet, the window and everywhere it should not have been!!!
I also once tried to up-cycle an old chest of drawers, spent ages sanding it and finally painting it and it was ok I guess, but a lot of thick paint blobs all over it!!! The paint was so thick that the drawers used to stick when I tried to pull them out!!!!!

ShotsFired

Thank you.....i realise that it is extremely satisfying doing things yourself and actually achieving something like putting up a rail.
It am just so scared of messing it up and making it look shit!!
But thank you for your help and advice. I do appreciate it and I will try. I just don't want my new place to be a dump. This is supposed to be the fresh start I badly need and I want it to be perfect..
I guess that I also need to learn some patience pronto!!!

I don't think the suggestions have been unrealistic. I think you sound quite obstructive and unwilling to change.

CherryPie if you read my posts I think that you will understand that the suggestions from one poster in particular were ridciclous.....like learn to drive (a van) when I don't have any licence and NO funds!!
........ohhhh yesssss very realistic that!!!!

Flammingstar congrats on your new house. Would Ikea be a good idea? They do home delivery and some of their furniture just snaps together with no tools needed. I put a cabinet together earlier and all the sides just snapped together. It was £20 and looks really neat!

Yes IKEA is a good idea. The delivery charge is around £40 I think. I also have bought a bed and a couple of bits and pieces on shpock and eBay.