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Original poster

Would you buy near one set of parents or inbetween?

24 replies

tiba · 11/05/2017 13:58

Our first baby is on the way and we are looking to buy our first house.

Dp wants to buy in one area which is close to his parents and close to work

My parents are an hour away.

I would like to buy in between.

He thinks this is bad idea and says we will value having close by help if needed.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 11/05/2017 14:08

I would buy inbetween, why should his parents be closer? Have you offered the other scenario, you buy close to your parents and he has a still perfectly acceptable commute to work.

Original poster
tiba · 11/05/2017 15:30

I did suggest that at one point. Then I had a thought that it would probably do me goo to move out of the town I grew up in as it doesn't hold great memories for me over the recent years.

I'm starting to wonder if that would have been a better option.

I'm starting to feel angry about being pushed into moving so close to his parents and being inbetween not even an option for him.

He has lived all over the place and I think he sees this as his chance to be back at 'home' again after so many years away

OP posts:
VerySadInside · 11/05/2017 15:34

I would go near one set if I particularly liked one over the other otherwise I'd go where the best house/school is. You can make friends so I wouldn't worry about not having anyone nearby.

NeoTrad · 11/05/2017 15:38

I don't think that being near your in laws ought to be a top priority.

PossumInAPearTree · 11/05/2017 15:48

So you could be 30 mins away and 30 mins from work? Or near work and one set but an hour from the other?

I would set a search radius from the mid point to closer to work and find a house or area that you like? You don't need to be close to either set but you do need to be close to work.

MiladyThesaurus · 11/05/2017 15:50

I'd prioritise being close to work and not give the parents situation much thought. Commuting is crap and it makes sense to try to minimise that.

YorkshireTea86 · 11/05/2017 15:56

We live 10 minutes from my in laws and just over an hour from mine. Having one set near has been helpful since having our 2 children. A support network for when I had appointments with the youngest and couldnt take the oldest, someone to watch them when I have been ill, etc. Of course I get on very well with my in laws. I might feel differently if we didn't.

LizzieMacQueen · 11/05/2017 16:00

Where's your work based? I'd put convenience to nursery/school etc over proximity to the grandparents. Are they all still quite independent and mobile?

Spam88 · 11/05/2017 16:13

If you're within 30 minutes of both sets of parents then that's close enough for them to help out surely..? How close does he want to be?

Original poster
tiba · 11/05/2017 16:19

Work is close to his parents by 15 mins drive or so.

If we lived half way it would be 30 mins to each set of parents which I think is fine.

He wants to be 5-10 mins max away from his parents

OP posts:
silkpyjamasallday · 11/05/2017 16:20

I live 10 minutes from both my family and DPs. It is a nightmare everyone constantly dropping by and expecting us to see them several times a week because they are excited about the baby. Go in between the two, you will want your own space and then neither set of parents is offended.

HaPPy8 · 11/05/2017 16:21

Id go close to work.

MiladyThesaurus · 11/05/2017 16:29

But is his reason for wanting to be there that it's close to work (and that just happens to also be close to his parents) or is it that he wants to be 5-10 mins from his parents and that happens to be close to work?

That makes a difference.

Toomanycats99 · 11/05/2017 16:33

It is handy to be close to one set of parents when it comes to emergency childcare. Especially if you are working. 10 minutes is easy for someone else to do a school pickup. Half an hour is then a hours round trip.

Original poster
tiba · 11/05/2017 16:37

Lots of good points.

He is very much family orientated and loves spending time with family.

I enjoy my personal space and quiet and don't like uninvited guests.

His parents are lovely, but I've only really known them a year and I get quite exhausted by being around lots of people for anything longer than a short amount of time

OP posts:
Iamcheeseman · 11/05/2017 16:38

How well do you get on with both sets of parents? And where do you actually want to live if parents weren't even around?
My mum pops round without warning and that's fine by us. We're moving an hour away and she'll still come round at least once a week. DHs parents live round the corner yet never ever visit, even when invited. We sort of went NC but now see them occasionally. I don't imagine we'll see them any less/more when we move.

Original poster
tiba · 11/05/2017 16:43

We get on very well with both sets.

His parents have offered childcare for us when I go back to work part time (another reason for him to say living near them is ideal)

However I'm never 100% sure on this.
Will they really want to when the time comes to it?

My parents have also offered.

Both parents are semi retired.

OP posts:
chocolatecheesecake · 11/05/2017 16:44

We had the same dilemma and went near one set of parents rather than in between. It's meant, as other have said, help with childcare. Both emergency, regular, and those brief moments when you need one child watching while you take other child to GP or go to a parents evening etc. Regular still possible from an hour away but other two not so much.

Would his parents help out? If they wouldn't then inbetween probably better, especially if your parents would help more if you were closer.

It's also worth considering what would happen if they needed help from you. Are one set of parents older/ frailer/ more in need of help than than the other?

Original poster
tiba · 11/05/2017 16:58

My parents are older by about 10 years or so and in their mid 60's

OP posts:
didireallysaythat · 11/05/2017 17:18

Where is your job ? Where will your nursery be ? And school ? We live 4 hours away from both sets of parents. But 30 mins from both our jobs (where the nursery is) and 5 mins from school. We go to work, nursery and school 5 days a week. That's the most important surely ? But it maybe a regional thing - my DH's cousin lives 15 mins from her mother, and the family hasn't really dispersed more than 30 miles. My grandparents moved every 5 years, I moved 5 times as a kid so I don't have that centered feeling that I need to satisfy. I'd rather have an ok commute to school and work !

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/05/2017 14:30

Close to work - and if that happens to be closer to one set of parents then so be it!

BreezyThursday · 12/05/2017 15:53

My OH's parents are 15mins away; mine 2hrs. I had worries about this but actually has worked out well - his do a day's childcare a week (very much their offer/decision) and can be called on for emergency cover if necessary. Mine are still near enough for day trips/weekends and even last minute (or at least next day!) babysitting if reaaally important. He is much happier to see his parents every week and is always calling etc., I like to see mine but it needn't be so often.

ruthb33 · 12/05/2017 16:08

Don't underestimate the quality of life benefit having a short commute has...(15 vs 30 min commute should mean your DH is around an extra 30 mins each day...

Might need to think how you set boundaries with both sets of parents, but from experience the benefits of having family v close by outweigh the niggles. Being able to just nip out/ask them to do pickup/odd bit of babysitting etc without it being a major logistical exercise is really handy...

monsieurpoirot · 12/05/2017 19:09

Definitely close to 1 set of parents, especially if they will be providing child care. Soooo handy. I would then look at areas, schools and work commute to decide which parents we lived close to

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