Pushing private school too much?

[Londonlady2015]

Would appreciate advice from anyone whose kids are already at private school or are going through the admissions process.

we are privileged to be able to financially support private school for secondary. Our child is in year six state school. The entrance exam is in December and we are using atom, about to start a tutor once a week (he’s really not happy about this). He doesn’t mind doing the learning islands but hates the tests and his results for all vary wildly.

I really, really don’t want to put pressure on him. If he doesn’t want to do it, then we will stop the whole process. However he visited the school and absolutely loved it and can see the different between it and state school. But when it comes to extra learning he drags his feet then gets upset when he doesn’t do as well.

I really don’t know how to proceed from here. If he was consistently scoring well I think it would be ok but I don’t want him to go through the process only to fail the test and feel really despondent.

the state schools where we are aren’t great either, although of course they can change in a matter of years, can’t they.

I’m just keen to find out from others how their kids fared and whether we are pursuing something that’s just a little out of reach.

Not all private schools are selective, even if they have an exam to get in. He might interview well. Where about are you roughly?

Where we are there are lots of private schools ranging from not at all selective to one of the most selective in England. Dc sat 5 exams so there were options if they didn’t do as well as anticipated. It’s not a straight “pass/fail” for us : there are interviews and group sessions. How many options do you have ? Make sure you study the school website carefully for past papers or other suggestions.

From experience, I wouldn’t tutor to high heavens to get into a school that a child scrapes into and then struggles. Unless they will be comfortable with the pace of learning it just isn’t worth it. They will not enjoy it. Ditto the other way round too if it is too slow for the child they’ll get bored. It sounds like you only have one option you’re looking at (presuming day so don’t have the choice with boarding) what part of the UK are you? Do you think once in your dc will find the pace ok it’s just a case of getting them in?

The other issue too is I truly believe wholeheartedly in “a rising tide lifts all boats” and “your tribe affects your vibe” and in the right environment a dc can flourish but it’s hard to know when the tide is too fast. It is a bit of a gamble and all parents know this it sounds like you’re doing your best. Could you cast your net wider for options?

Thanks for being so quick to reply. Options are royal Russell, trinity, Whitgift (so Croydon area). So pretty selective. Don’t really want to travel much further.

and the tutor thing is a good point, something I’d considered. It’s more to touch on the stuff not covered in school but again, I wouldn’t want him to scrape in then struggle the whole time and be miserable.

I see your issue, and I think that’s totally fair. If you feel it’s simply a case of him having a few gaps to close, but that once he’s there he’ll flourish, I’d be inclined to persist.
I say that from experience. I came from a prep school that hadn’t necessarily prepared me for quite the same level of academic expectation as my senior school, and it took me a little while to find my feet and swim with the current. But, truthfully, learning that not everything comes easily — and that sometimes you do fail before you succeed — stood me in very good stead.
It can be difficult when you’re not immediately getting the marks you want, but there’s also something incredibly valuable in working at something until you finally get that “aha!” moment and it clicks. Watching your scores improve because you’ve put the work in builds a very particular kind of confidence: the knowledge that you can struggle with something, persevere, and eventually master it.
So if you genuinely think the underlying ability is there and it’s more a question of filling in some missing pieces, I wouldn’t necessarily let the initial hurdle put you off.
Good luck to your DC, a good selection of schools! Do you know which is your fav choice?

Thanks for such a lovely response. I feel like he’s really capable, but the environment is crucial (this is probably the same for all kids I’m sure!). He needs some nurturing / motivating otherwise he has an inclination to coast. This happened during year four when the teacher was absent for six months and he was left with a substitute that wasn’t a great fit, and he really slipped. I just worry about it happening again.

you’ve given me some food for thought though, so thank you.

And I would say Trinity is (that’s the one he’s seen so far) but I’m aware it’s very very selective!

Yes, it's the same with a lot of students. Your tribe affects your vibe, being around dilligent peers who relax and have fun but work when it's time to work and consistently so is very key, I think it's one of the most important factors for choosing a school and far more important than prestige/facilities/ranking. With the options you have I don't think there will be the possibility for long periods such as you have experienced in year 4 for slipping and they will all have their eye on the students not making progress.

My advice would be to get started with the tutoring asap. There will be plenty of kids who have been tutoring for a year or two on top of Atom. Also, I think the schools are generally good in knowing if your dc will be well suited there. Both of my dc came from state and are at academically competitive schools. They are both happy and doing well. Just tell him to try his best and work hard. It is only a short time in life.

@Londonlady2015 we are in an independent at present but trying out more academic ones plus some grammars. I havent gone down the tutoring route myself due to time/cost constraints but im aware so many do. If you have a good tutor rec, then id say start ASAP as its only a few more months. I have tried not to put much pressure because I don't want mine to feel low if they dont get in anywhere but we still want to try. Good luck!!

My GSs went to state village schools and took exams for good private school. No coaching... just did fine, one of them getting an academic scholarship.
What this demonstrated was that they were both suited to an academic school.

If your child is right for an academic school he will get in. If he is not then coaching might get him into the school by the skin of his teeth, but is that in his best interests? Years of struggling and feeling second best might not be in his best interests.

Some private schools have a broader less specifically academic approach. Maybe that is what you should be looking for. That way he gets the good resources and opportunities without the pressure, which has already started for him, even before he gets there.

Thank you, yes I think this is my underlying feeling.

Thank you! And yes I agree, I really don’t want him feeling pressured.

Not always the case. It depends on what kind of private school you are applying to. Ones in London are more competitive because there is more competition. And to get into a top 10 you will most definitely need some tutoring if coming from state as they would not have covered the curriculum by the times are done.

Does your child want to go to one of these schools? Or are they worried about not knowing anyone?

My son was torn between the school he wanted and following his state school friends to one of the locals.

I explained to him that no school was guaranteed as we were just ever so slightly further away than his friends and that other local schools relied on lottery or scholarship audition/application. (London CAF is such a crap shoot).

this helped him think about the school logically. Can’t say it made him love doing Atom much more but it did help him stick with it for 20 mins a day for the month before the entrance exams. I don’t think I could have gotten him to do more than that (and definitely not any tutoring). But thankfully that month was enough. I’m in the minority but I don’t think tonnes and tonnes of prep is required just enough to get familiarity with the question formats. It also feels like a huge amount of pressure and stress for them.

It seems to me that you need a tutor who will address executive function or even impostor syndrome, and confidence issues in general, not just gaps in knowledge.

Your child is at Point A and may not be able to really understand the reality of Point B. Very few are at his age. Instead of pointing out the advantages of one school over the other (facilities, extra curriculars, general appearance) maybe start hinting at how the desired school would suit his personality, his talents, and his learning style.

Make sure the target school offers solid pastoral care.

Boys in particular can develop unevenly in terms of maturity and approach to work. Don't write your son off. Be careful that the tutor you hire can boost his confidence.