How not to feel a dick about it?

[Starryknightcloud]

(Aware this is the ultimate first world problem, hence it being on the private schools board)

I know the answer is to make the decision that suits your family best and that is all that matters.

But it's trickier when all small talk is currently around school visits and applications. We will put a state application in but will get our catchment school which we are not happy with.

But how to say that when plenty of local kids will go there. It's not for me to be negative about it. But the only time I've mentioned X private school is an option then I was asked "why?" straight away.

One of our reasons involves medical needs which is understandably private.

We're incredibly unflashy so it also highlights that we probably have more money than people thought, especially with all the VAT news at the minute.

I assume best route once we know for sure is "they're going to X school, hope they like it - do you think little Bob is ready? They grow so fast" etc?

Similar situation here (DD is now in reception at a private school). I find a vague 'we thought school X might suit her' stops the probing!

I agree with @OtterOnAPlane's suggestion. Obviously don't say anything disparaging about the school, just say you're exploring your options, want to know what's available in the area, etc. If people want to judge you for it, that's a them problem, not a you problem.

We deliberately bought our house in the catchment for a lovely primary, then later decided on private. Plenty of friends and neighbours send our kids to the local school, they understand we just made a different choice, no hard feelings (not that anyone has mentioned, anyway!).

You will probably lose some friends over it, no matter how circumspect you are.
I took the attitude that anyone who had a problem with it wasn't a real friend after all.
If its the right decision for you as a family then thats all that matters

This. There will be nay sayers.

We said nothing until the offer had been made and then were discreet and matter of fact. Questions were asked "yes, that's right, we thought it was the right decision".

One mother did actually say "well you can make that decision but our principles wouldn't allow it". I am afraid I responded with a smile and before I could stop myself "it's a good job we don't share your principles".

I just went for "it's the best fit for us".

A few people made some snarky comments ("I bet the kids there get a better class of headlice") etc. Fast forward 6 years and all their children were in private schools too which made me laugh.

Ironically the "friend" who was the nastiest about DD going Private for Secondary had her parents offer to pay her daughters fees but her Husband wouldn't allow it

Oh wow, good one with the headlice 😂

I'd be sad if that happened and we lost friends @Hoppinggreen but I suppose you can't control other people's reactions.

Is your child going into primary or secondary? My son got state primary offer to our nearest school - our second choice - but his dad (my ex at that point) and I decided it wasn’t as good an option at the time as the pre-prep private locally which had places. It was a big surprise to most people we knew given our politics and finances but we just said it was a better fit for him (August born, medical issues and ND tendencies) at the time. We moved him for KS2 to our first choice state primary (that we didn’t get offered as it wasn’t our closest) once it became clear there were places available. Which was the perfect fit for him that we knew it would be even when he was three. So nothing is set in stone, it’s ok to do what feels right for your child and change your mind later if you want to.

This is primary @Dominicains, we have one primary state school we'd be happy with but 99% certain we won't get an offer unless the birth rate dip is insane!

If you lose friends, those people weren’t real friends - and fuck them. You will need to develop a thick skin as these days, it seems ok to openly be rude and nasty about those who send their kids private. The VAT situation has made it worse - it’s now absolutely fine to sneer at people going private. Just get yourself a bitch face stare for people who are rude enough to do it to you.

It is very difficult to answer that question without offending people - they shouldn't ask it, and I found some did ask it just to be pokey.

In my area, a lot of people could have afforded it, but chose extensions, cars, holidays etc instead - we went without, and chose to pay for education - each to their own, but I didn't query their choices and found it a bit rude when they queried mine!

Every child is different, you select a school based upon the individual child concerned and what you feel is the best school to suit them. No comeback to that.

Exactly this. We chose private when our oldest was 4 years old because he had at that time undiagnosed SEN but we knew there was a problem. We did lose friends.... we had one person tell us we were Tory arseholes- even though she was DS's godmother and knew the issues we were having and had no children herself so had very little idea of the kinds of stresses some parents face with that. But frankly- no fucking loss. I decided at that point to never apologise for a perfectly legitimate decision we were making for perfectly legitimate reasons ever again. And I don't. Our school has served our DS very well and he was since diagnosed with autism, adhd, tourettes, dyspraxia, and global development delay. He is happy, well-supported and the decision was the best one. The end and i simply will not tolerate anyone trying to make us feel bad about it.

Any friends you lose is a reflection on them not you.

Better off without "friends" like that.

Agreed- and you can't make decisions based on worrying about what other people will think.

You’re doing something some people find ethically indefensible. Own it.

Are they the same people who think it's okay to play catchment monopoly?

You'll put some peoples' nose out of joint and there's not much you can do about it.

Not private school but similar situation...we moved about 8 miles away when dc1 was in Y6 (before school applications). We moved from an average area with shit secondaries to an extremely well-known 'naice' area and the best secondary school in the County.

In Y6 there were lots of chat about schools and when asked where ds was going or that they'd just seen our house was sold, where are you moving - the answer caused many wrinkled noses and follow up questions and outright (quiet) hostility from some.

I did the whole 'oh we just love the area', 'ds has a friend that goes there' (lie 😂) and tried to be vague but it doesn't really work.

The true unspoken answer, of course, was that 'because if we stay here ds will have to go to X shit Comp (that your kids go to) but we can afford to buy better, so we are'. I knew it. They knew it. The fact it wasn't said made no difference really 🤷‍♀️

Invariably! Or the ones who prep for 11+ from year 4.

One of my inlaws is a vicar and he actually persuaded the CofE to take over the local secondary and he sent his DC there. Now it has improved greatly in academics (partly by managing out SEN kids I suspect) but obviously there were significant knock on benefits for him!

People are totally illogical. They criticise gaming the system with money while ignoring the gaming of the system by house price, house move, religion etc.

We didn't lose any friends over our decisions (private primary, state secondary with an EHCP) but I did get ranted at on the train by a ridiculous NCT mum once.

I think a lot of parents with SEN kids know there's something different from an early age and the right school for them (state or private) is so incredibly important.

In brief. Spending your own money on education is not a bad thing to do. Doesn't make you a dick.

Don't mention it unless asked and then be matter of fact that you are "considering" or "going to x school" and change the subject.
If money is raised or hinted at something like "yes, we're fortunate to be able to do it".

Unfortunately some private school parents do "mention" this as a point of superiority. Which means all others get a bad name.

One of our reasons involves medical needs which is understandably private.

utterly irrelevant anyway

just own it 🤷

i do and never encountered anything negative

from what perspective are you coming at it from?

Nobody cares (not in a mean way it’s just it’s like choosing to buy your pants at Tesco or somewhere more swanky). When people ask why you chose something as apposed to their choice it is always better to highlight the pills than the pushes. So, “the teachers were just so kind when we looked round and the playground is beautiful. I just thought she’d love being there”, is better than “it’s so cramped and the teacher looked exhausted so we wanted to save her that”. Realistically you are choosing for “medical reasons” that you haven’t disclosed, so these aren’t close friends are they?

You decide what you do with your money and how you spend it and anyone that questions it and makes you feel bad about it simply shouldn't be part of your life. I am fortunate enough to have the best state option in the country at my doorstep where my dc attends even though I could afford private school. I've had the opposite on why I'm apparently "hogging" a state space when I could afford private.