How not to feel a dick about it?

[Starryknightcloud]

(Aware this is the ultimate first world problem, hence it being on the private schools board)

I know the answer is to make the decision that suits your family best and that is all that matters.

But it's trickier when all small talk is currently around school visits and applications. We will put a state application in but will get our catchment school which we are not happy with.

But how to say that when plenty of local kids will go there. It's not for me to be negative about it. But the only time I've mentioned X private school is an option then I was asked "why?" straight away.

One of our reasons involves medical needs which is understandably private.

We're incredibly unflashy so it also highlights that we probably have more money than people thought, especially with all the VAT news at the minute.

I assume best route once we know for sure is "they're going to X school, hope they like it - do you think little Bob is ready? They grow so fast" etc?

Honestly, most people won't give a toss.

I'm not a fan of private education overall, and I also think it's a monumental waste of money in many cases, but I absolutely wouldn't judge other parents for doing what they think is best for their children. Lots of my friends went private, while we stuck with state, and there hasn't ever been any question of us falling out over it.

As long as you're not actively criticising the choices of people who plan to use state (or have no choice), then I don't see why it would be an issue. All kids and all families are different. We all do what we think is for the best with the resources that we have. You have determined that a particular school is the best fit for your child. Honestly, you don't have to justify that choice to anyone. A

With the ethical debate I don't really see the difference between sending a child to private school or moving into a particular catchment area and/ or paying for private tutors but generally people are more negative about private schools than if you are paying for a private tutor.

So I would just say we are sending them to x. If they say why say we went to see it and really like it. If they say how are you affording that just say I'm not discussing money. If they don't approve of it or want to speak to you again then it doesn't matter. The child will make new friends at the new school anyway so if a few have different values then so be it.

That's not true in my experience @Ohthatsabitshit.

Only a minority of people have strong opinions (that they don't keep to themselves, anyway), but we are living in a time period where the actual education minister spoke about "our children" meaning "the not privately educated children" so it is absolutely worth thinking what you'd say in advance, in case you meet someone emboldened by the toxic discussion around VAT on fees.

Couldn't really be more different to buying pants!

I'm not sure what you mean? The OP asked for suggested ways to tell people her DC were going to private school. I made a suggestion.

It's easy. Don't mention it and if anyone asks you a direct question about it then answer the question and then immediately move on by asking them about their school/children/dog. You don't need to justify yourself or be embarrassed. People aren't usually that interested in what you're doing, most people only want to talk about themselves. So I adopt the strategy that if you ask I'll tell you but I'm not going to foist my views on you or discuss it unless you are another private school parent abd then we have common ground. I don't really care about what anyone thinks.

but I own it and nobody that met me would be remotely surprised as I am a product of a public school myself. So all my friends are public school and my new mum friends abd from the privately school dd attends. You'll just find new mum friends you don't have to feel awkward around,

I don’t think people care at all where you educate your children. Do you know where your colleagues, neighbours or friends went to primary school? It’s right up there with “did you do ballet?” I expect it feels very big because it’s a big part of your life at the moment.

IME people do care when they have children at the same stage and are making schooling decisions. Like now that I am 14 years on from having my eldest i realise now no-one gives a shit if he was breastfed or bottlefed, but at the time everyone had an opinion and was prepared to purse their lips about the fact i bottlefed. They certainly had opinions when I rejected the little village primary (because he went to the pre-school feeder attached to it and I could see for myself he was not going to fit) and i said when asked 'we chose [insert name of private]. We were dropped like stones. Other than his godmother's reaction which i detailed above i got a snappy 'well, he'll have no friends now' and an 'i guess you think because you live in the posh house you have to go to the posh school' and other reactions which I wrote about on MN at the time because it upset me so much.

Now i frankly don't care what other people think. I can see how well my Ds is doing.... not academically, because academic success is not really the point for him who is below average with everything. But he likes school- he is comfortable with his excellent teachers and he even has a single friend who is also severely affected by autism and they have the most lovely relationship where they communicate mostly by text but is very very nourishing. We were so lucky we could go the private route, and I am grateful for that every day.

It's here where it's really useful to remember that you don't need everyone's approval.

Some people are vehemently against private education to the extent that they are happy to let their children have a substandard education in a terrible school out of principle even if they could afford private. Far more people would like to think they are just as vehemently against private education and could afford private but are fortunately in a situation where the state schools they can access are of a perfectly acceptable standard. Some people could just about afford private but would have to go without significant other luxuries and like to pretend their decision is about principle. Some people couldn't afford private bit wish they could and hide their jealousy of those who can under protestations of principles. Some who couldn't afford it are nevertheless in an area with access to decent state schools so have the luxury of being able to take a high-principled position with no negative consequences.

You are never going to win the approval of all these grouos and some of the people you currently know and like will turn out to e among them. There's nothing you can do about it.

Don't criticise the catchment school just say that Xschool seemed the one best able to meet dc's needs and you know you're very lucky that it was an option for you. Then change the subject (ideally asking them to tell you more about xyz other luxury they are able to get because they aren't forking out for fees - eg holidays etc)

I think just accept that you might have less in common with some friends but you will make new ones. Kids in the same primary can be bonding - going to same nativities, after school play dates and you won’t have that with these current friends. But you will with new parents 🤷‍♀️

If people make comments, they aren’t your friends. Doesn’t matter what political or ideological issues they have, it’s not their place to comment on the decisions you make for your child.

I blamed it on smaller classes but really you just have to brazen it out

Although I went to a private school myself as did my husband, I just hate most of the other parents; there’s something really self satisfied and boorish and affected about them. I’m really not a chippy person but really hate the fact that a decent education isn’t available to everybody. And I feel guilty. so I brazen it out.

I like this. No explanations (which you don’t owe anyone) but answering the question so the conversation moves on.

I just grew a very thick skin and said, 'It's the right school for my DC.' Some people never spoke to us again. I stopped caring very quickly.

But I didn't publically criticise the local school.

People asking “why?” are just being provocative. They know damn well why, which is that you think it’s a superior option to state, with better facilities, smaller class sizes, hopefully fewer problems with behaviour, etc etc.

That’s obvious! They just want to goad you into saying it so they can be offended.

And I say that as someone who sadly could never afford private. My opinion on private schools has changed a lot over the years, and as much as I still resent the fact that a superior education, confidence, connections and prestige can be bought… given the chance I would have done it.

I wouldn’t care at all what others say or think, unless they do it in front of my kids.

I'm interested that you feel guilty. I don't at all, even though I am generally very left wing. But I've never understood why private schooling of all things, gets so viciously attacked. People don't sit around criticising each other for buying nice houses in safe neighbourhoods instead of on crime ridden estates, because it is so unfair. They don't blame people for going on holiday or paying for music lessons etc when not everyone can have them, or providing nourishing food every day when unfairly others live on poundstore noodles. There is inequality everywhere we look. Why is schooling so attacked?

Because it's attacked by politicians and media so that gives a green light.

Also some people are ignorant and think all private schools = Eton.

So Boris Johnson and David Cameron have a lot to answer for!

Just say “we really liked x and x and will suit medical need” then move on.

I'm a state school teacher who was state school educated (in a grammar) and sent my DC to a private primary (in part because I was worried that lack of local school places and wraparound was going to drive me out of my teaching career) and for a while I taught at an independent - as an escape hatch from an awful to work for state school.

People in education absolutely do care, to the extent that I have to be careful disclosing some things in the staffroom.

The "normal" population probably do only care when their children are doing primary or secondary transition or if there's some particular problem.

But ask anyone who's attended a grammar. Random people will rant at you if you let that slip.

Part of it is people feeling criticised by other people's choices.

@NobleWashedLinen's analysis is really good.

A* @NobleWashedLinen!

I think justifying it on medical grounds won’t fly because plenty of mainstream state schools take children with very high medical/support needs.

That’s why you just have to own it, otherwise it just looks like their barbed comments are getting to you - and you don’t want to give them that satisfaction.

Good point about grammars @Phineyj. Grammar schools are as hated as private schools, perhaps even more so, and threads on MN will prove that. My eldest is at state grammar and there has been a slight frostiness to peoples’ responses about that (anticipating this, I kept the news to myself).

At least by the time secondary school transition rolls around, you no longer care what any of your fellow parents think 😄

People do feel critised by other people's choices.

It will all settle down once everyone has started school. It will no longer be a topic.

I agree with everything @NobleWashedLinen says and also friends come and go. Your DC is very young, so you haven't dived into the next stage of socialising around your DC's school and interests, but as someone with two teens I wouldn't worry too much about losing people, because unless their DC go to the same school as yours and they maintain friendships you're probably going to lose them anyway! So focus on what is important and that is finding the right school for your DC. Everything else is irrelevant and nobody else's business. Yes, people get defensive around their choices and people can be shitty about the choices other people are making. So be it! If you send them to A private school and it doesn't work and so you pull them out and send them to B private school there will also be parents who you fall out with. C'est la vie! Let 'em go. The people who are genuine friends won't care.

I grew up in Kent (and tbh my parents gave me no other option than going to one of the grammars).

I had no idea until I went to university that the Kent system is unusual.

I won't say it's common (as I now don't disclose where I went if I think it's going to be a bore) but I have been ranted at completely unprovoked by:

Other students
A work experience host
My MIL
An NCT mum on a train (that was fun, the whole carriage was listening in and a stranger congratulated me for standing my ground as I got off)
Teaching colleagues
And occasionally it's been awkward at interview
Oh and Mumsnetters of course.

I teach at a comprehensive and find schools are schools, kids are kids and education is education. We've all got our issues.

Parents and educators always have more in common than all this weird tribal stuff and provoking newspaper headlines would make you think.

Brazen it out but never criticise the local state schools. Two small private primary schools have gone bust in my city this year. One has been swallowed up by a bigger group of schools, but the other just shut at the end of summer term. A mum of a child at the school which closed had made some very derogatory comments about her local primary but is now having to be very quiet because her daughter has had to join the school at year 3. She tried to get her child into another private school but got told her daughter was not at the required standard. Be sure that the private school is still going to be viable for the next seven years.