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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Told off because he couldn't do something

59 replies

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:19

DS#2 told me tonight that he was told off because he couldn't do him sums or use the number square. Now I know he can use it more or less as we used on for hw recently. But apparently he couldn't in school. So he was told off. And made to sit in the cloakroom to do his work - even after the others had gone out to play

Problem is DS#2 is a stubborn little chap and he won't ever cry if he gets told off. He doesn't seem to know when to back down. His teacher is extremely strict - every child in the school knows Mrs C by reputation and she is not well-liked. To say the least.

He cries when he goes into school. Most days. He pretends he's ill.

Is it right to tell a child off for not being able to do something?

It's parents evening next week. What, if anything, can we say to her. Short of 'you evil witch, stop terrorising our son' ?

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thisisyesterday · 12/10/2009 20:21

hmmm could there be more to the story? perhaps he couldnt do it because he was messing around with friends, hence being put somewhere else to do it?

i don't know. based on what he has said then her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. but you need to know exactly whathappened realy

bigTillyMint · 12/10/2009 20:22

No it's not right to tell him off because he can't do it. He's probably petrified of her which makes him even less likely to be able to concentrate....

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:22

Oh yes thisis, I appreciate things may not be quite as it seems. But how do I tell?

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MusterMix · 12/10/2009 20:23

something is going on.
go in adn see the head first imo

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:25

His refusal to cry when he's being told off is only just becoming to clear to us. We thought it was that he wasn't upset but I am beginning to realise that isn't the case. It's almost as if he can't back down

ATm I am feeling that she is the worst teacher possible for him.

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Hulababy · 12/10/2009 20:26

I would say to go in and talk to the teacher first. IMO the head should only be sought if you cannot reconcile this with the teacher herself. TBH the head would be likely to refer you to a meeting with the teacher in the first nstance anyway.

FlightAttendant · 12/10/2009 20:27

Orm when this happened to us I went in and had a quick meeting. We discussed it (she wanted to in front of ds, which I felt was wrong but she just grabbed me iykwim)

the truth never really did come out, I didn't know what happened but made it clear that I didn't want him kept in at playtime, boys need to run about, and I didn't think he ought to be punished for being slow or confused.

I don't think it happened again.
I am sorry to hear he hates it that much to cry and pretend to be ill.

All I will say is I hated school and was terrified enough to do that sort of thing - the fear was very very real, I just uearned for someone to listen to me and take me home

Please don't ignore it. It was like torture for me every single day, I feel I lost a lot of my childhood to just dread and fear. Especially with one teacher everyone hated.

If you stand up to her in front of him it will really empower him and should help - make him feel he won't be hurt by her again, and you are stronger than her.
My parents didn't do that and I think had they tried it I'd have felt safe again.

I know you are brill and really totally on his side but just my own experience iyswim x

thisisyesterday · 12/10/2009 20:28

howold is he? he sounds like my ds and i was saying the same thing earlier to one of the other mums. she said how lucky he always goes into school without a backward glance. the problem is, that doesn;t mean he likes it, or is happy, just means that he doesn';t show it

i guess i would come straight out and ask her. if you feel you can. say "ds says this happened" and just wait and see what she says.

if you aren't h appy with how she is treating him in the classroom then something has to be done, so i suppose the next step would be headteacher?
is there another class in his year he could m ove into?

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:30

Oh I won't go to the head. I will speak the teacher first at parents' evening. But what do I say?

It's such a shock. I've never been a 'oh my poor little precious child, don't you are tell him off' type of mother. And I have two older kids that muddled through OK. Even when my eldest cried when he had to go into school every morning for 2 years I was OK because I knew the teachers were on his side and doing their best to make him happy.

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thisisyesterday · 12/10/2009 20:32

i would say that he is unhappy about going to school, very reluctant togo in and that from what he has said you are worried he is being penalised for not being capable of doing things.

see what she says,
i say all this, i am awful at confrontation myself, but it's what i would want to do (and then get dp to do for me!)

thisisyesterday · 12/10/2009 20:32

i would say that he is unhappy about going to school, very reluctant togo in and that from what he has said you are worried he is being penalised for not being capable of doing things.

see what she says,
i say all this, i am awful at confrontation myself, but it's what i would want to do (and then get dp to do for me!)

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:32

Thanks everyone. Feeling a bit shell-shocked. He is hard work! I have worries about him anyway but so far at school he has always been OK.

I need to talk to DH about this - he is out atm picking up DS#1.

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Hulababy · 12/10/2009 20:33

TBH I would be tempted to arrane a longer than normal appointment if you can fpr parent's evening. Normally you only get 5 minutes which probably isn;t going to be long enough.

Just tell her what you know so far, and make sure she is aware at how upset he is getting. Ask for her take on things and take it from there.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:35

Thanks thisis, that sound right. I will try and tackle her tomorrow. The TA is nice and so is the teacher who helps him with reading.

I keep thinking about little things he has said, and others have said about him, and putting 2 and 2 together. I worry that something serious is wrong. I think I have been guilty of a little complacency

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franklymydear · 12/10/2009 20:36

he wasn't unable to do it

he could do it at home so he obviously knew how

he'd probably done it before in school

I'd have told him off too for messing around - I think you're being unreasonable

FlightAttendant · 12/10/2009 20:38

Orm, try not to worry too much. I am sure you will make a good go of it.

What I found was there was a bit of a stand off, when I said 'well I don't really agree with that way of handling it' or something - and she didn't know what to say, so just sat there - she isn't used to being stood up to, v v confident etc - and I sat there, and the tA was like and ds was like and anyway - we all just smiled and that was that, meeting over. It didn't matter that we didn't agree - we'd both said whatw e thought in front of ds and he knew I was there and they didn't have Total Power.

You will be FINE but don't be scared of her.

franklymydear · 12/10/2009 20:38

but crying before school and pretending to be ill needs dealing with

just don't confuse the two - they aren't the same issue at all

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:40

They are probably not the same issue frankly. I think they are part of the same thing - he has become scared of her. I don't think that sending him out to finish his work in the cloakroom is the answer.

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kid · 12/10/2009 20:42

I think you should speak to the teacher to hear what she has to say.
You can just casually mention that he seems upset about coming to school and ask her if she has noticed any change in him at school.

You can then mention that he was really upset about the maths incident, but don't necesarily tell her word for word what he told you. Let her give her version.

It might then all blow over, it might not, but at least you have let her know that your son does come home and tell you things.

FlightAttendant · 12/10/2009 20:45

No i remember what happened now...after the stand off, I said something or she did and it sounded like it had actually been a big misunderstanding and I ahd got the wrong idea...so we all laughed and it seemed Ok. Then I thought back to what she ahd said, and realised it had NOT been a misunderstanding, at all, in fact, just everyone was tense and the issue had got confused - so I emailed and made it clear that way. She didn't attempt to deny it and agreed to do things differently, or something - I was happy with it anyway.

Don't be fobbed off.

Original poster

OrmIrian · 12/10/2009 20:46

Thank you flight. I am going to have to tackle her arent I?

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bigTillyMint · 13/10/2009 06:34

Yes, you must speak to her and get her to realise that she will not get him to learn by terrorising him.

You said she sent him out to finish his work in the cloakroom WTF - You could as her if she thinks he has difficulty concentrating in class, and then say was that why you sent him to finish his work in the cloakroom? ... then tell her that he came back really upset and worried, etc.

Good Luck!

ICANDOTHAT · 13/10/2009 09:28

Orm what are the 'worries' you have about him already?

Bucharest · 13/10/2009 09:33

I came onto this thread prepared to say "pah, another PFB ish-oo" but then saw it was Orm so knew there must be more to it...

It's definitely not right if he was told off just for not knowing how to do something- so if that is the whole story then you need to let them know it's not acceptable..I can't imagine it being acceptable in the general ethos of a school tbh.....does the HT know she's a bit of a tyrant? The fact that he also doesn't want to go to school, or gets worked up before he goes, means there's summat afoot, I'd say.....

Good luck and hope you sort it out....

Original poster

OrmIrian · 13/10/2009 09:47

Thank you everyone.

bucharest = thanks for the vote of confidence but I too can be an over-precious mother at times I don't think I am in this case though.

tilly - I agree. I don't want him scared of school. In what way will that benefit him?

icandothat - I have posted endless wailing threads about DS#2 He is the most stubborn, uncompromising, odd little boy I have ever met. In fact the most stubborn, uncompromising, odd human being I have met! We can have rows over who goes upstairs first - if something isn't done 100% his way he will refuse to budge until it is done 'properly' and the only way to change his mind is to physically remove him! He is also totally adorable and bright as a button. DH and I have been run ragged by him over the last few years. I had some concerns about him maybe having Aspgergers at some level but no-one else seems to be concerned. So I am stuck with this awkward lovely little lad who drives everyone crazy! But so far he has been fine at school - doing OK, behaving well - but the last few weeks have made me worry that that isn't the case anymore.

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