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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Anyone else hate the clickiness of the school mums at the school gates?

57 replies

roundabout1 · 22/09/2009 16:47

I'm beginning to feel like a right billy no mates at my dd's school. We know a few mums but none very well & they all know other mums better iykwim. The joys of small town life when you're an outsider! It's really beginning to bug me though the unfriendliness of some mums, they just blank me. My dd is the one of the class that cries most of teh day & i don't know if this adds to thesituation, we both feel a bit left out. Of course I act all jolly in the playground so as dd doesn't pick up on it. At the moment I hate school drop off as dd cries & I leave it til the last minute picking her up so as not to feel left out

OP posts:

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hunlet · 22/09/2009 16:49

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colditz · 22/09/2009 16:49

Wellturn up really really early instead of leaving it until the last minute. Approach the next person who is standing alone and talk about the weather or how lovely their coat is or something

choosyfloosy · 22/09/2009 16:53

i'd suggest either joining the PTA, the Friends of the School or doing a chunk of volunteering for the school during the week if you have any time. PTA stands for Pain in The Ass, but nonetheless you will quickly get to know people on a more one-to-one basis, and with any luck will get to know more of the children too, which gives you something to talk to people about. DD might like seeing you around the school as well.

comewhinewithme · 22/09/2009 16:53

It used to bug me too then I realised they all thought I was an ignorant bugger who never said hello and they didn't all run off screaming.

Northernlurker · 22/09/2009 16:53

You have to be brave and talk to them first. They are shy too you know. Just sya something about the weather. If they balnk you then they are rude and you wouldn't have wanted to be mates with them anyway!

Also - pedantic point but 'clickiness' makes them sound like they rattle when moved. I think 'cliqueness' would be a better non word. They appear to be in a clique, they are cliquey - but again I don't think the latter is a proper word.

mazzystartled · 22/09/2009 16:56

i bet they aren't blanking you. i bet they are knackered/trying to work out what to have for tea/reliving an irritating incident at work earlier/hoping they are not late/ina dream world. honest. most people are basically nice.

turn up earlier and go over and talk to people. work the playground. find out who your daughter has played with and target them. join the pta. invite one of them for coffee after drop off. be bold and act confident even if its an act.

Pannacotta · 22/09/2009 16:57

I have also found this a problem since DS1 started school this term.
There are a few mothers from playgroup (where DS1 also went) and they seemed to have formed a clique which excludes me.

I am trying hard to ignore it and talk to other mothers and just be friendly, but I do sympathise, I think cliques are bloody awful and cliquey behaviour is insensitive and unpleasant.

Your best bet is prob to try and make friends with other parents there who are not part of the clique.

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/09/2009 19:19

Hate the school run for this reason, luckily when DS attends breakfast club I dont have to go to the playground.

noideawhereIamgoing · 22/09/2009 19:26

Oh Jeez - I talk to everyone - even parents from outside my dd's school year - have a few close friends that work and I love to catch up with them on their day off. Most people are not deliberately excluding you - smile and make polite conversation, eventually you build up friendships - but it won't happen over night.

ABetaDad · 22/09/2009 19:36

roundabout1 - you need to adjust your expectations.

In my experience, if you make good friends with a few parents of children in your class that will be a good thing. Give it time and you will make a few good close friends who wil come round and have lunch or coffee at your house occassionally or a BBQ in summer or their DCs will just like your DCs. You may make a few acquaintences on top of that and that is all you should expect.

Do not expect to make friends with everyone. They are just random strangers who happen to send their DC to the same school as your DC. That is all. They mean nothing more than random strangers walking past you in the street.

Other than that turn up, drop off, smile and go. You could cut it down to the 'drive-by' drop off once DCs get a bit older then you do not have to leave the car.

noddyholder · 22/09/2009 19:38

clicky?They might need some cod liver oil

pagwatch · 22/09/2009 19:42

you have to be brave and talk to them first.
They are seldom actually cliquey and dismissive. They are instead a bit like deer huddling close together for comfort - so that they are not wandering around on their own.

Try and chase them and seperate one off from the herd. Smile like a fool and say "ooh, so you are xxx's mother. I have heard so much about him/her. He/she sounds great" and they will like you.

OR sort out a tea date and make a point of chatting at hand over. Or invite mum for a cup of tea when she comes to collect. Everyone is nervous and everyone wants to be liked.

(When you see one on its own try to aim low, go for the ankles or you will never get it down and it will just scuttle back to the herd.)

notnowbernard · 22/09/2009 19:42

Agree you just need to stand next to someone and try and make small talk

Compliments always go down well - ask them where they got their shoes from, or what they are doing at the weekend etc

Or talk about their DC - we alll know most people woill talk about their DC til Kingdom come

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2009 19:42

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Original poster

roundabout1 · 22/09/2009 19:47

Know what you mean & think it would be a good idea to join in more. Strange thing is that parents in the yr 1 have been a lot more friendly than reception parents. Probably didn't explain myself in my post very well but i do chat & ask how their lo's are getting on, I always talk to younger siblings waiting & I've complimented someone on their bag this afternoon - really meant it too. I get a smile & short reply & nothing else. On a few occasions they have then turned around & talked to someone else. It's a small town & a great place to bring up kids but sometimes even though I've been here 5 years I feel as if I won't "belong" til I've got relatives buried in the churchyard!

OP posts:

sarah293 · 22/09/2009 19:55

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bodeniites · 22/09/2009 20:01

i am my sons official taxi escort and the other escorts/drivers are very cliquey i say hello to EVERYONE whether they acknowledge me or not but in the afternoon we all stand in little groups according to company funnily enough everyone says good morning in the er... morning its mad

Original poster

roundabout1 · 22/09/2009 20:04

bodeniites - It's the afternoons that are most cliquey at my dd's school, mornings tend to be better. I'd have thought it'd be the other way round given the morning rush etc, but perhaps they are more chatty in the afternoon for that reason hence the cliques?

OP posts:

bodeniites · 22/09/2009 20:12

roundabout1 try not to worry too much there are some people who doesnt matter what you did would never be friendly but there is always a couple of lost looking souls usually being talked at by crushing bore smile sympathetically and try your luck with them

LeonieSoSleepy · 22/09/2009 20:18

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catnipkitty · 22/09/2009 21:47

I didn't know any other mums when DD1 started school. I volunteered for the PTA (noone else was bothering to do anything!) and started helping in the school 1 morning a week - helps to get to know other parents, other kids who all say hello to me, and the staff and it's great to give an insight into the workings of the school.

I'm rubbish at small talk and hate all that at pick up time but if you chat to a few people you'll find someone you 'click' with and things will get easier.

MollieO · 22/09/2009 23:49

I've done the 'drive-by drop off' (great expression ABetaDad!) since ds was in reception. At his behest I hasten to add rather than inadequate parenting on my part. I occasionally take him to school to drop off in the classroom but I never see anyone as I drop off at the earliest time possible whilst everyone else seems to arrive 5-10 mins before the bell.

cheesesarnie · 22/09/2009 23:53

i bet you live near me.

it can be clicky where i live but i ignore.i speak to who i want,when i want and if i want.we are the adults in the playground,not the children.you are only there to pick up/drop off.ignore,ignore,ignore-whilst smilling.

cheesesarnie · 22/09/2009 23:55

or you could do what a mum did in ds1 playground the other day....she was holding a rat!!!!ive nothing againgst pet rats but in the playground.her son is a bully so i dont think she helped him/or herself gain friends.

Quattrocento · 22/09/2009 23:57

Oh lord.

Making friends at school is very rational and necessary behaviour for children attending the school

It is not mandatory for the parents

You don't need to make friends with other parents at the school. Nice if it happens but it's not necessary

Just relax

You might be surprised

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