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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Anyone else hate the clickiness of the school mums at the school gates?

57 replies

roundabout1 · 22/09/2009 16:47

I'm beginning to feel like a right billy no mates at my dd's school. We know a few mums but none very well & they all know other mums better iykwim. The joys of small town life when you're an outsider! It's really beginning to bug me though the unfriendliness of some mums, they just blank me. My dd is the one of the class that cries most of teh day & i don't know if this adds to thesituation, we both feel a bit left out. Of course I act all jolly in the playground so as dd doesn't pick up on it. At the moment I hate school drop off as dd cries & I leave it til the last minute picking her up so as not to feel left out

OP posts:

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KerryMumbles · 23/09/2009 00:06

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KerryMumbles · 23/09/2009 00:08

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Clary · 23/09/2009 00:29

what is it with the talk on MN of playground cliques???

I talk to everyone, I don't care. Gosh am I barging into your clique? No, didn't think so.

Good advice on here - just talk to someone and be nice, say sthg nice about their hair or their toddler's dress, find out whose mum they are and you're away.

I've said this before, but I'll say it again: you will be standing there with the same people for the next 7 years so you might as well make the best of it.

abetadad some of us walk to school actually

sarah293 · 23/09/2009 07:29

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bubblagirl · 23/09/2009 07:38

i feel i stand out more as my ds is the only child with ASD but luckily im quite good at faking so i plaster smile on and act confident fuss someones baby for convo or ask how there little one is getting on at school i smile at everyone so they can see im not stuck up or unapproachable

have met few mums but only been 2 weeks have enough conversation to pass the time know some people in passing but funnily enough seemed to have befriended the mums of older children at the school lol

i only have few people who ive known from pre school that i go out with no new mum friends made as yet at reception class but everyone does say hello to me so maybe in time its still early days and you have to be confident and assertive even if you really dont feel it

bubblagirl · 23/09/2009 07:40

the only problem with ,my ds school is the parents are older and have money so i feel out of there league already but i still chat with them i just walk home while they jump in there mercs and bmw's lol

BonsoirAnna · 23/09/2009 07:42

Just hang in there, be nice and friendly and look like someone who is interested in making new friends, and it will all come together.

I don't think mothers at the school gate are "cliquey" and exclusive - I think they are just groups of friends who already know each other. You cannot expect other people to welcome every new comer into their fold.

Lizzylou · 23/09/2009 07:43

I knew a lot of the other Moms already from the preschool my DS1 went to, have got to know others just by lurking and talking to people. Parties are also a good way to meet other parents and the dreaded playdates

Some days I have full on chats, others (like yesterday) I have to put my tantrumming 3 yr old DS2 over my shoulder and run for the car!

ABetaDad · 23/09/2009 07:45

Clary - sadly we live 100 yards from school and I don't have a car so the 'drive by' is not an option so walking in mandatory.

owever, I always fancied screaming up to the school gate at 08.29 in a modified Ford Escort in the manner of the Sweeney, throwing open the doors shouting 'Go! Go! Go! as the DSs roll out on to the pavement. Then screaming off again in a cloud of smoke, rubber and random car parts.

Lizzylou · 23/09/2009 07:46

Anna is right, it has only been since threads like this on MN that I realised that me chatting to a few Moms I already knew may be construed as being cliquey.
I now try and talk to people if they are standing on their own, when I can, when DS2 isn't on the rampage. Sometimes they respond, other times I think they think I must be mad.

bubblagirl · 23/09/2009 07:47

it can seem cliquey my group of friends we all walk in together then stand apart to chat to others so we dont come across as unapproachable lol

sarah293 · 23/09/2009 08:20

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Highlander · 23/09/2009 09:28

I didn't know many people, I just walk into the reception area and say 'Hi, how's it going?' to anyone who is on their own.

LeonieSoSleepy · 23/09/2009 09:56

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Cortina · 23/09/2009 09:57

As someone who could have written this a few years ago some tips which have helped me:

Take control! Decide who you'd like to get to know better - from what limited interaction you can muster - and ask them for coffee bravely and confidently. Follow up confidently if it doesn't work first time.

Expect that they will like you. Why wouldn't they? Be sunny and positive. Save the whines/problems etc for conversations with people who know you very well.

Sometimes it won't go well but often it isn't about you but them. In other words a Mum will not personally dislike you but be having an off day etc/have a problem that morning etc. Don't be insecure or too needy.

Play dates - invite a child you child likes around and then say the Mum is very welcome to come in for coffee/wine etc. Friday afternoons work well I've found!

These are all social skills that can be learned! You get what you give. I've noticed the Mums I really like are those who try to involve others and chat to newcomers etc. I've gravitated to these and haven't been disappointed.

Good lucks as I know it's hard when you are new and all seem to know each other. In the past I was sad and lonely in these situations as I never took control, it gets easier the more you try!

mollyroger · 23/09/2009 10:02

it's taken me 6 years to finally realise that ds's best friend's mum actually likes me and would like to go for a drink sometime. I have spent 6 years thinking she was a bit standoffish and nowt in common. She thought the same about me...

We are both really shy....!

Cortina · 23/09/2009 10:03

Apologies for typos, in a rush.

labyrinthine · 23/09/2009 10:12

It might take a bit of time to get beyond the weather/is he/she enjoying school conversation but it will come!

Stop hiding,be friendly and kind and talk to as many people as you can ~ so go early at hometime.

Some people may appear to blank you but they are usually not nasty,just not the sort who say hello to people they don't know.

The more you put in the more you'll get back.

LouLovesAeroplaneJelly · 23/09/2009 10:12

Ignore them or find some friends who are not part of the click. I am in the same boat except I am a nanny and not a mother. The children also attend an international school and I do not speak the language so I am an outcast (and I don't wear my nice gym clothes or heels to school for drop offs and pick ups) as well.
We made an outcast clique. Much more fun.

LouLovesAeroplaneJelly · 23/09/2009 10:14

I can spell clique but apparantly not the first time

labyrinthine · 23/09/2009 10:15

The people in the "clique" may just be keen to organise pick ups/arrangements with friends/catch up with their friends ~ you can become part of this but it will take some time for you to get some common ground and be included.

mrsruffallo · 23/09/2009 10:18

It's very hard to talk to everyone during the school run- I really only have time to say hello to the mums that I know and catch up with them.
I don't think that makes me cliquey at all.

It's not my job to welcome every other parent over for a chat!

mrsruffallo · 23/09/2009 10:20

I actually don't knowhow 29 other parents/ carers can be in a big clique without you. I just don't.

shinyshoes · 23/09/2009 10:24

I am in a 'clique' . It is the same group of us that chat for about 45 minutes after school starts (you'll find us still in the playground gassing). Then after school alll standing around gassing, lately there have been a couple of new faces.

Say hi and join in, the more the merrier .

Our children have been together since year 1. They are year 4 now. Some of them get together after school. I dont, I work too much, but we ALL get together and go out for a christmas meal and a boogie.

Please just approach them. Even if it's to say 'ooh isnt it warm/hot/cold today'

Niecie · 23/09/2009 10:37

Have to agree with Quattro - it isn't about you making friends, it is just the school pick up.

I don't think people are cliquey, they just know each other already. And if you know people then you don't have the same urgency to befriend more people.

I eventually met a few people as my DC met people at school. After 5 yrs 2 are good friends but it wasn't an instant thing - it was a slow process starting with the odd smile and then exchanging hellos before we actually spoke at any length. I still don't talk to anybody most days when picking up DS2 because I'm not that bothered - I drop off/pick up, job done.

If your DD not having friends is more of an issue, talk to the teacher and find out what they can do to help. When she starts getting invited to play dates and parties then you will meet people properly too.

AbetaDad - we live next door to the school and miss out of the drop and run too. We have actually thought about installing a catapult/trampoline combo and chucking the the boys over the hedge. I don't think the Juniors would mind (DS1 is allowed to make his own way to school) but the infants seem to want you take them to the door and my aim wouldn't be that good.

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