can't believe how cliquey school parents are! are their lives really that dull?

[mammablueeyes]

my dd is only in reception and I must say i was quite looking forward to her starting school and meeting the parents and her making some nice friends but I have found myself withdrawing more and more since september because they are in little groups and its all so uncomfortable and silly I just cant be arsed, is this norm?

[Walkingwiththighosaurs]

For the Parents macaroon, not actually held at the school, but arranged by the PTA. When someone asked if I was going I said I would rather stick pins in my eyes to be honest.

[Walkingwiththighosaurs]

You've opened a can of worms

[BlueberryPancake]

My kids don't even go to school yet, I'm just reading and learning, and I'm not sure which gang I'm gonna join. Do you get a tatoo or something if you're in the non-working gang? With extra colors if you're in the PTA? How do you judge if you should speak to someone, is there a secret handshake?

You lot are scaring me, honnest. All that divsive talk, it's ridiculous. If people want to talk toeach other, socialise, go out, have a glass of wine, a coffee, you actually judge them? God forbid if you actually happen to make friends! Walk the plank you woman, you've got friends!

[supagirl]

When my dc's started school I didn't know anyone and had been pre warned about the cliques and bitchiness......tbh though it's no different to the office in reality.

I smiled, I chatted and I have got to know some of the others and made some great friends. Sometimes I chat until 11 (what a crime!), sometimes I help out at school, sometimes I have no time to chat and am dashing off somewhere.

I smile and say hello to everyone I pass on the way in/out - some say it back, some blank me (perhaps they don't hear), some will engage in a longer chat......I don't lose sleep over it though!

A group of us get on especially well - our dc's are friends and we meet up with and without them. Are we seen as a clique? I hope not, we don't exclude people, we are just a group of Mums with things in common.

When I was at work there were gossips, bitchy people, stand offish people, nice people, busy people, chatty people, quiet people, people I liked, people I avoided like the plague........in the playground it's the same.

Imo it's easy to moan and bitch - you get out what you put in.

SG

[bigTillyMint]

WWH, you don't live in Wilmslow do you? (only state school I've heard of holding a ball!)

I am lucky to have some friends who I talk to in the playground, and I do try to say hello / chat to others I don't know very well, but IME some people are very standoffish. Or maybe they just don't want to chat (to me!)

[newgirl]

im a big fan of our pta - i do bits to help without feeling the need to get to know everyone - in fact i dont know the committee at all - just join in with odd bits when you can, man a stall, buy tickets, make a cake etc. it changes most years anyway.

playground stuff - well, just get to know the parents of the kids your child knows - you dont really need to know any more than that. how many conversations can you have in one day?

[mellie]

What makes me laugh is how people stand in the same place each time - like commuters on the train.
I go and stand in 'their place' occasionally just to shake things up a little....!

[NannaBess]

I have to join in as my daughter moved schools halfway through reception due to many complex reasons. I had parent friends at the old school and was worried about moving as they had become a strong support network for me. However, the parents were very welcoming and all chat together - no groups at all. Lots of working parents, non-working parents, grandparents, mums and dads as well as aunties and uncles and older siblings all take part in the school run and all talk. Maybe we just hit lucky with this school?

[Ferncottage]

I think you either hit lucky or you don't. Our school playground is full of witches and I just ignore them. Hard to talk to the woman who accused several children - my daughter included - of bullying her daughter, when her daughter was busy hitting and biting everyone in sight. Nothing to say to the woman who kicked out her boyfriend, lives on benefits and refuses to try to get a job. Bored of the woman who talks about how marvellous her children, her job and she herself is. Can't face the headmistress who openly swore at sports day.needless to say dd not staying there long

[southernbelle77]

I'm now wondering which group I belong to! I didn't know any of the parents before dd started reception in September. I don't think it's too bad in our playground, although it does seem that there are a small group (well one or two) who have an air of superiority about them! I really only talk to the mums of the dd's friends and the childminders (as I'm one of them!). It does make me laugh though, as mellie said, how everyone stands in the same place every day!

[5049emma]

It is probably just how things work - it is a huge effort when your child first goes to school having to meet new people, and once you meet a few you do click with, you obviously tend to gravitate towards them and talk to them. usually the school run is the only adult conversation i get in a day, and I do go over to the parents I know to chat. I would happily chat to someone else, but it is a question of "there is x, I must find out how the xxx went" and then the kids come out and off we go. If you are new, sadly, the effort has to come from you, but i don't think that's any different to being the new person at work, or in a club, or anywhere else. People talk to the people they know already.

[dizietsma]

I inadvertently became a clique member at m + t group when DD was little. The mums from my post-natal groups just formed a wee group. They knew they were ignoring everyone else, but couldn't be arsed to be friendly to the terrified new mums cos they'd found their group and didn't care about the community IYSWIM. I thought it was rather selfish, so I made an effort to be friendly to the newbs and generally got on better with the other mums anyway.

I gradually drifted away from it all, thankfully moving house around that time helped!

Glad I'm planning on home ed, playground politics sounds like yawnsville.

[ilovesprouts]

it does not matter wich school you are at you always get some mothers who are in the "in crowd" but most mums at my ds school are ok as i know a lot of them from when dd & ds was there

[lil]

can see both sides but must admit to agreeing with op.

• I have a deep hatred of bossy class reps. Not the ones that ask for your views/help but the majority that TELL you you have to make a HOMEMADE cake for the fair, TELL you what you are buying for teachers present, then TELL you how much it will cost you, then where everyone is meeting for a drink/meal, and definitely aren't interested in making sure that as a working mum you can meet up on an evening..ooh no, lets make sure all the meets are in the day, even though you've asked very nicely for an evening one, cos as class rep you are supposed to REP everyone, not just the stay at home mums!!!!!!!

..so yes there is a bit of SAHM/working mum anger going on here!!!!

[bradsmissus]

I get a bit about the whole clique thing.

If you make friends when your DCs start school, are you not allowed to stand and chat to them while you wait for the bell?

I made loads of new friends when DD started school (our DCs are all now in year 6) and most of us have had subsequent DCs who go to the same school.

It is inevitable that people will gravitate to the people they know otherwise we'd all look a bit odd standing on our own.

If you walked in to a new pub and people were chatting to their friends, would you think that was odd and they were being cliquey?

We're not a clique, we're just a group of friends and we have made many more school run Mum friends over the years. Not all people in groups are on the PITA, in fact most of us actively avoid it!

[lulurose]

Joining the PTA is actually a really good way of meeting other Mums if you're a bit shy....shame some are so negative about it when its main aim is to fund raise and improve childrens experiences at school...

"actively avoid it" hmmmm

I'm a Reception Mum too and I just get on with it...smile, small talk, whatever....true friendships can't be forced, its not a big deal.

[Quattrocento]

I have enjoyed hully's contribution on this and other threads - but I'm sorry I don't want to share the love. I don't even want to talk to them ...

[zanzibarmum]

Mellie - great idea. Must try that.
I am surprised people are getting so worked up about this thread - spotting the types in all of us is not nasty.
One thing that works a treat is to tell one person in the playground 'in confidence' that you are thinking about putting your child down for another school. What comes back within hours is I hear said child is leaving. Great fun

[hullygully]

Q - Just smile then. The important thing is to increase the amount of happiness floating around, it's not hard.

Are you a Capricorn?

[Quattrocento]

I do smile. Very broadly. But it is very hard because I am always trying desperately to avoid eye-contact with anyone. So it looks a bit manic tbh

[hullygully]

Dark glasses and a big grin. They'll feel the love AND keep away.

[Mintyy]

My life can be a wee bit boring sometimes. However, being a generally friendly and not too painfully shy person, I nearly always stop and chat to someone on the school run. And they respond. And its all good and nice .

Sometimes I am in a hurry or not feeling particularly sociable, so then I drop and run.

I have made some friends at school but they tend to be the mothers of children my dc are friends with.

If anybody came up and just started chatting to me in the playground I would engage and talk back and smile etc the next time I saw them.

I think it is a good idea to assume that the vast majority of playground mothers are just like me, tbh.

[katiek123]

my kids' school has been a wonderful place for me to make local friends - when we moved to this (very rural) area we knew nobody, 18 mths ago. i now have a lovely circle of girlfriends, mostly from the school. i set out to be open and friendly from the beginning and just tried to just completely rise above any (apparent) cliques as if i hadn't noticed them. after a few months it seemed to me that a 'girls' night' for the mums every month might be worth organising - it's really worked out - we get together at each other's houses or sometimes at the local pub and have drinks and a chat. the atmosphere is non-bitchy and supportive. i am hugely grateful for the support and friendship i now have from the school mums. of course i've felt the awkwardness that the OP describes - but i decided to develop a thick skin and just barge on in - shows my extreme thirst for pals in a new area i guess

[eskimum]

I went to a PTS meeting and discovered it was entirely made up of the mums from the big clique in hte playground who are all there chatting well after the bell has gone etc. At the meeting only one of them bothered to say hello and introduce themselves, I sat through the meeting feeling like a right lemon and as if I had gatecrashed a private party.
However I'm going to persevere in the playground, not necesarily with them, but with other people, after all they can only be around 20 of several hundred parents at the school.