can't believe how cliquey school parents are! are their lives really that dull?

[mammablueeyes]

my dd is only in reception and I must say i was quite looking forward to her starting school and meeting the parents and her making some nice friends but I have found myself withdrawing more and more since september because they are in little groups and its all so uncomfortable and silly I just cant be arsed, is this norm?

[kaz33]

I've been at this school for 4 years now, on too second child! I joined the PTA and got to know loads of people, so did try. I was the lonely kid at school who has grown up a lot and I have made a few good friends and have plenty of acquaintances.

But there a few cliques that I can't break into or indeed want to:

• the prayer / church group
• the aspirational / where are you going on holiday (they are as dull as dishwater)

Now, I maintain / build relationships with the kids who are friends with my boys and whose kids are accessible ie: don't have 5 clubs a week and who assess your kids for suitability. Other thing I do is let people know that I can always help out if they need a bit of childcare as a favour and ask for favours in return.

At school I found a lot of people dull and still do. No doubt they think the same of me but actually when I was 18 I realised that it was not a requirement of life for everyone to like you, now that I have given birth no reason to change myself

[Megglevache]

I think I might be one of the mums you all hate.

I didn't know anyone at ds's school when he first started I was ignored and all of the other parents appeared to know each other very well (used to holiday with each other etc as I would hear them guffawing loudly in the playground whilst I was norma no mates on a bench alone- what made it worse was that it is a very small class) There was one lady I took huge exception to in fact- she even ignored my one on one breezy hellos . I offered my help (as I have a younger dd)and joined various committees and helped out as much as I could, I got to know the so called clique who were a bunch of really lovely people, including my nemesis who I didn't like as she never spoke to me or gave me eye contact. Turns out she was incredibly shy and hated to talk to anyone she didn't know, we are now really close friends.

I've heard other mums and dads saying that the school is full of gangs and cliquey but these are the same people who can't be arsed to say a simple hello to me or my children as we walk up the road to school.

The reception year for next year have started coming in for taster sessions and I made them all cake and wrote a welcome letter saying who everyone was in the school and what they all did. They all looked very happy (maybe behind my back they are thinking I am a loony, bum lickey, wannabe teacher mummy. Or perhaps they thought banana and ginger cake was a toot combination.

I hope not, I just remember how awkward it was for me and I can be quite shy but but on a small talk front exceedingly well kind of person.

[lazylion]

I take my DS to a playgroup where barely any of the parents speak to each other. They all just stand there in silence, it is not what I expected at all. I often try to talk to the one nearest to me and most seem reasonable human beings. Then the next time I see them they don't speak to me again unless I make the first move. Are they robots? It's a bit miserable to be honest, if there were cliques at least I could have a go at gatecrashing one.

[happywomble]

I think some of the behaviour exhibited at the school gate is simply bad manners.

If you already know lots of people and can see new Mums standing on their own who have children starting in reception it should be normal to go and introduce yourself to them, find out about them and maybe introduce them to some one else you think they may get on with or have something in common with.

However the tendency is for people to stick to their existing groups and not make the effort to get to know others and make everyone feel part of the school.

Have also noticed that some people who have girls don't waste their time talking to the mothers of boys and vice versa.

Obviously after a couple of years one will have good friends and talk to some more than others but it would be nice at the begining if some people could be more open and friendly.

[simplesusan]

Oh forgot to mention another group, very similar to book reading show offs.
Those whose parents yell "Oh how have you done at spellings today!!!!!!!!!!! Oh 10 out of 10 FANTASTIC!!!!"

Like anyone else cares.

[simplesusan]

TB- You should make yourself unavailable, always. Otherwise people will assume you are just showing off
Personally I am too tired after working to offer my services!

[newgirl]

i liked the story of the men on the bench by the way - i thought that was very wise!

ps another story - a family moved to our area last year - mum with 3 kids. They knew nobody but the mum has tried really hard to get to know people and she has - it must have been hard work getting to know 3 lots of parents especially those who already knew others, but she did - so it is possible. You just have to be very brave, say hello to everyone, and have a good memory!

[beckysharp]

"Also the mums who regularly trail home other people's kids, making a point of how popular their child is as to always have friends around."

Hmm, not the mums helping out others (who perhaps are at work, or caring for younger children) with their school run then, or who share rides to keep a few cars off the road, or perhaps who are just sociable confident people?

Some of the comments here are a bit alarming really- I had no idea people thought so hard about this!

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

I've found it depends on the school. DD left first school this year and I decided to send DS to the one down the road, not much distance between them but a world apart in playground atmosphere. It is now a complete pleasure to do the school run whereas before I used to get there as late as possible.

So I guess some people will only have experience of the atmosphere at DS's school whilst others have experience DD's school, hence peoples experiences being very different. It also alters between year groups, a friend has a younger child at DD's school and has commented that there is a much friendlier feeling amongst his year group compared to what we experienced with our DD's.

[listenglisten]

I can honestly say I have never come across this at my children's primary school. It is a large school of over 400 children and although there are obviously some close friendships between parents, especially if they have older children who have gone through the school, they are always friendly and I haven't seen any cliques.

Perhaps I just walk around with my head in the clouds...........

[eskimum]

Sheeta - I think you're right, and thats a v sensible approach. I try to do the same, as I don't think anyone really means to be unfriendly or to exclude others, it's just that unfortunately people in groups can sometimes act that way even though they might be perfectly friendly or approachable when on thier own. So developing a bit of a thick skin is necessary also I think.

[TBCoalman]

Don't worry snowmummy, seriously it's no worse than starting a new job or joining an aerobics class.

Just breeze in with a big 'hello' and get on with it.

Some people are already in established friendship groups, if you want to be part of it you will have to put in more effort. If you don't want to, no big deal.

It's just people.

[snowmummy]

OMG my DS starts school in September and I have been worrying about so-called 'playground politics'. I'm now even more worried

[ouchitreallyhurts]

Is it more obvious in the small village schools? I've found only one clique at our school but the alpha mummy really is nasty about everyone! I'm sure the mums who talk to her only do so to avoid being bitched about she's the first one there (only lives 5 mins walk away but drives to get space rightoutside school!) and then last to leave, as you walk past you hear "well, apparantly..." and she doesnt' hide the fact that shes talkign about people as they pass, the others tend to just nod . poor woman - obviously not much else going on in her life.
I used to hate the school run because I felt like Billy no mates but now its a case of smiling at everyone, saying hello and trying to be as involved at parties as I want to be in order to meet mums and dads'. no desires to join a clique - quite happy being friends with just a few and friendly to all the others.

[happywomble]

I think the worst types at my DCs school are the mums who have engineered their childrens friendships at nursery and then try to stay in the same groups when they start school, ignoring everyone else.

There is no harm in talking to the people you know best but imagine how it feels if you are on the outside of all this and have been to a non feeder nursery and your child doesn't know anyone, and no one speaks to you at pickup or invites your child to play.

Having been very popular at nursery my DS didn't get invited to any playdates when he started school with a completely different set of children. I think it was because people just kept inviting their friends children round rather than trying to make new friends for themselves and their children.

I also noticed that those who already had children further up the school stuck with their existing friends rather than trying to chat to the new parents as well.

When my second child starts at school I am going to again make a big effort to talk to everyone. I don't want any new mums starting at the school to feel as lonely as I did.

The school in question is a church school..people seem to leave their christian ideals at the church door!

[TBCoalman]

I often 'trail home other people's kids' simplesusan , usually as a favour to their parents. Should I refuse, or smuggle them out under my coat so that people don't think that I am showing off about the fact that my children have friends?

[hullygully]

You lot make it all sound so Women Beware Women Jacobean Tragedy. They're just people, good, bad and ugly. Why expect any different because it happens to be a playground you're all standing in? Just smile.

[JeanPoole]

oh on this sound dreadful.
my dd is only 2 so at least i don't need to do school runs yet

[simplesusan]

I have noticed the "OH darling you are on reading book X!!!!" type who wafts around her child's reading book shouting how clever little Johnny is.

Also the mums who regularly trail home other people's kids, making a point of how popular their child is as to always have friends around.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

I can't abide it..
I have friends, some of them have children in the same class as mine some not, but at the school gates .
There are a few people in groups that I have no interest in - one lady currently annoying me is on the PTA talking about the headmaster by his first name, telling us all about how she has advised him on how to sort out the class allocations for next year. I just smile but internally I do just wish I could be rude and tell her I have no interest AT ALL!!!
My plan is to spend as little time there as possible!

[londonartemis]

In my experience of quite a few school, someone in the year sends round a note suggesting everyone get together for a coffee after drop off one morning. Obviously not so good for full-time working mothers, but it helps break the ice for those who can make it, and it's a chance to start to get to know people.
I think people also smile or say Hello to a familiar face around a school, so if you've gone on a school trip with the children or have helped out at the school fete, that helps a lot too.

[paranoidmother]

i've been taking DD to Nursery for just under 2 years and the Nursery is attached to school. It's quite nice as the mums and dads have started to talk to eachother as we now know who's child is who and what age and which kids like each other etc. I've found the parents nearly all 95% chatty and lovely, the other 5% are not rude just not into the chat thing which is fair enough.

I've really enjoyed meeting more people, who are going through the same thing as me and making new friends along with the DC's.

[Sheeta]

scool? school, obviously!

[Sheeta]

I'm going to take a guess here that the people who think that playground cligues exist are the people who were 'excluded' from the 'in crowd' at school.

tongue far enough in cheek here?

Everybody hated me at school (or so I thought) and I expect that if I approach the school yard with the same approach I did at secondary scool, i won't make any friends at all...

however, if I ditch the stupid immature little girl in me that thinks everybody hates her, and just gets on with it, I think I'll probably be much more approachable and have more friends.