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Primary education

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Original poster

Is my son likely to get suspended tomorrow?

55 replies

MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 18:53

I am at my wits end! DS 6.5 is currently under assessment for adhd. He's extremely hard work but the school deal with him really well.

However, today, he punched a little girl in the back on the way out of school. The headteacher saw him and shouted him back. He ran away and out the school gates, with the childminder hot on his tail. The Headteacher continued to shout him back and he turned round and stuck his two fingers up at her. OMG I could murder him right now!

Consequently, I've to go into the school at 9am tomorrow morning. I have a really bad feeling she's going to suspend him, which wouldn't punish him at all, he'll see it as a couple of days off school, it'll be ME that's getting punished.

He's in his room at the moment, grounded and his trip to the local carnival removed. He just doesn't understand the severity of what he's done. He just doesn't "get" it, iykwim. I would never have done that kind of thing, would have been too scared of how much trouble I'd be in off the HT. .

Don't quite know what else to do with him!

OP posts:
poopscoop · 11/05/2009 18:57

oh dear, poor you.

Not really sure what the head is likely to say, but i would have thought if she was going to suspend him, she would have done it from today.

I would have thought she just wants to discuss what happened and see what can be done next.

ramonaquimby · 11/05/2009 19:00

speaking as a teacher there still may be a suspension handed out - with a parent there to discuss how things are done. sorry. you sound like you're on the ball and supportive of the school which goes a long way.

Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:01

Thanks for your reply poopscoop. I thought that too at first, but then I thought, no she wouldn't have suspended him with the childminder there, she'd have called for me first, which she has done.

I just can't believe he's been so bloody 1. Rude and 2. Stupid enough to do that to the HT!

Bad enough doing it to ANYone, but the HT?

OP posts:
Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:04

Thanks Ramona for your input. Yes I do have a good relationship with the school. I have a hard enough time with him and I think they get it worse. I'm his mother and would like to strangle him half the time so I can only imagine how his poor teacher feels.

DH is convinced he's getting suspended tomorrow. As I said, he'll love it, few days off school, won't bother him a bit. Me on the other hand, will have to somehow try and get time off work and then deal with having him at home for 3 days without letting him think he's got a holiday!

OP posts:
edam · 11/05/2009 19:04

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. Might it be worth asking the HT for any ideas about how you should handle this - as you say ds just doesn't get what he's done wrong?

poopscoop · 11/05/2009 19:08

Is it really likely to be for 3 days? Gosh that sounds like an awful long time. Explain to the school that any form of suspension is likely to make him feel like he is on holiday and what advice can they give on how to handle the time he is not in school.

Presumably he will have to get on with some school work, so that it underlines the fact that just because he is not in school he will have to work just as hard.

Feel for you though, esp[ecially as now you will need to take time off work.

GossipMonger · 11/05/2009 19:09

Could you not tell the HT that your ds will think of it as a holiday and that there are other things that could be done that will make ds feel more punished.

For example, no playtimes or free time for the next 3 days. He must sit outside the HT's office/staff room during play.

No treats at home or school.

No TV after school.

No sweets for a week, etc etc

That might be better for all. I really feel for you as I would be devastated if one of mine had done this.

Hassled · 11/05/2009 19:09

It's referred to as an Exclusion - either Fixed Term or Permanent. So a fixed term exclusion is effectively a suspension.

The HT's actions will depend largely on what's gone before - if this is the culmination of a long period of disruptive behaviour, then sometimes the school's approach will be that in order to get the additional support the child needs, there has to be an Exclusion. Sometimes that's what it takes to get the Local Authority to sit up and take notice. Don't necessarily see it as a bad thing.

Don't panic - whatever the school do, they should be approaching it from the point of view of getting your DS (and you) additional support. Unless of course it was a complete, out of character, one-off in which case they shouldn't exclude.

Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:14

DH has gone out to smash up some concrete in the garden. I think that sums up how we both feel at the moment.

He doesn't get "consequences" at all Edam. He's forever losing priviledges, tv, trampoline, dvds, computer etc and is always so so so so sorry (crying sorry for 2 hours at a time etc) and then goes and does the exact same thing the next day.

We've got very little support elsewhere apart from the school. We had an emergency triage meeting with the local CAMHS service in November last year after he was talking about wanting to die etc (very low self esteem as he is constantly in trouble). They told us they would see us in the New Year to get proper assessments done (it has taken 4 years to get here). We eventually got the Connors Ratings questionaires through last week, so assume our next appointment is nigh.

I may of course have buried him in the patio-to-be before then. Sorry, I don't mean that really, but if you didn't laugh you'd cry right?

Poopscoop, I spend about an hour a night battling to get him to do homework that should probably take about 15 minutes. OMG can you imagine having to do that for a full day. I think I might as well book the straight jacket and ambulance just now (for me).

Sorry, and thanks for "listening" and advising, it helps to sound off now and again.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 11/05/2009 19:15

That's the problem with ADHD, they act first and think (if they do think about it) later. You have my sympathies - both my dds are on the ADHD spectrum and it's very hard. If your HT is at all on the ball, she will be aware of how this condition could be affecting his behaviour.
What sort of punishment do you think is appropriate given that he has been violent to another child and then been disrespectful of an adult? If you go in with some kind of punishment thought through, the head may be willing to consider this rather than suspension.
Is your son often defiant? Has anyone discussed oppositional defiant disorder with you which is quite often found with ADHD? I don't wish to be alarmist, btw, but it's always worth mentioning if ADHD is being considered.

ramonaquimby · 11/05/2009 19:15

you could request an exclusion within school - so taught in a different room, or on his own, with no breaks/different breaks to his class, and eating at different time as well if he thinks he'll have a jolly time at home, we sometimes do this

GossipMonger · 11/05/2009 19:16

I think actually that with the problems he is going through the HT might not suspend him. He might want a serious word with ds but as you are trying to get a diagnosis for him then I cannot see what good a suspension would be.

HTH.

Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:17

Thanks Gossipmonger, yes those are spot on the kind of things he would react better to and what I'm hopefully doing.

Thanks Hassled. I don't think its "completely" out of character, although he's not really done anything like this to the teachers before. I really did think he had a wee bit more respect than that, obviously I was wrong.

I have offered to get the school more support, like saying I would request a "statement" etc so they can get more funding for a support teacher etc. They've always insisted that they can cope, so I'm not sure about that.

Oh well, its wait and see isn't it. Doubt I'll get much sleep tonight. Why do I feel like its me who's been naughty and called up to the HT's office.

Pity my son doesn't get that "fear"!

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:21

Thank you!

Yes yeahbut, he was diagnosed with ODD at age 4 and also PDD, the school have never really taken on board these diagnoses though and have always taken the attitude that he'll probably "grow out of it".

I think the total removal of all priviledges is a suitable punishment, break times etc too. He'll probably end up in even more trouble though because he won't be able to "accept" his punishment and would probably spend the whole of the removed breaktime screaming about how "sorry sorry sorry" he is.

I really am living up to my name tonight. Sighhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:22

Excellent Ramona, thats a great idea too.

I keep telling myself I could be overreacting and asking all this for nothing. But sadly I don't think I am.

OP posts:
YeahBut · 11/05/2009 19:27

Well, I'd be pushing for a statement then. They obviously don't have a real understanding of his conditions and how to manage them. I find this a depressingly common situation in schools.
Good luck tomorrow. Just keep reminding yourself that you are doing everything you can and trying to get your son the help he needs.

Original poster
MumHadEnough · 11/05/2009 19:30

Thanks Yeahbut.

Will update tomorrow with what happens in case anyone is interested.

OP posts:
ramonaquimby · 11/05/2009 20:12

there's a lot that can happen before he gets a statement tho, it's usually a 'last resort'

is he known to the SENCO?
have you heard the terms school action or school action plus? It's the first steps towards a full educational statement. They are notoriously hard to get (money unfortunately) but do fight your corner. hope it goes well tmrw

nickschick · 11/05/2009 20:25

I dont have time to read all the answers so soory if im repeating anybody else.

I think knowing your ds is under assesment should make a difference to how the punishment should work,also I dont want to be stepping on anyones toes as there are people on here with far more 'real' experience than me but adhd is on the spectrum of autistic behaviours on that spectrum is things like tourettes,anything that links to adhd or autism is like a recipe a pinch of this a dab of that etc it could just be that this is part of him and he genuinely cannot control his swearing.

Also in all of this you have to remember he is 6.5 hes still very young and trapped in a confusing situation so he is still a young boy yet facing all these other difficulties.

I think tomorrow it might be an idea if your ds will take something to give the ht a sorry card/picture/flower etc to 'physically' say sorry,and another token to the little girl.

Im hoping it wont be a suspension cos imo that serves no purpose at 6.5 he will find actions and consequences very hard to understand- have you been in touch with the LEA,they have a thing called 'parent partnership' who are independant and absolutely fab at supporting children with needs and difficulties (I used them in a really bizarre situation).

I hope things go well tomorrow and I think as time goes on things wont neccesarily be easier for you ,you will be able to cope with things easier- until you get a firm diagnosis everythings a bit in the air.

MissSunny · 12/05/2009 00:27

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 12/05/2009 01:14

No advice but good luck

bigTillyMint · 12/05/2009 09:43

How did you get on?

He should have a statement - I guess that's what he's being assessed for?

You're right, exclusion won't help him - they should be using strategies appropriate for a child with ODD and possibly ADHD. If the school is useless, could you seek advice from someone higher up - is there an SEN parent liaison person for your area?

GossipMonger · 12/05/2009 12:32

bump

poopscoop · 12/05/2009 13:51

any news, hope things were sorted without the need for suspension.

YeahBut · 12/05/2009 15:04

Another one checking in to see how you got on. Hope you are ok.