Considering weekly boarding for DD - advice please

[RockinSockBunnies]

I'm aware that boarding is a hugely controversial subject on MN but I'm somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place and would appreciate opinions on what may be best. Apologies if this is somewhat lengthy.

DD is currently in a Yr 3 state school in London. All fine. As of September next year, when she'll be starting in Yr 5, I'll be starting full-time as a trainee lawyer at a City firm, working insane hours and having no life!

I also happen to be a single mother. When I worked in the past, before studying again, I had an au pair. Problem is, we live in a two-bedroomed rented house. I shared with DD for the year (she was 6/7 then) and slept on a pull out futon, whilst au pair had my room. The arragement worked fine, but it's not an experience I wish to repeat again, especially as DD is getting older.

I've been quite keen to send DD down the private school route for many reasons (including better opportunities in arts, music, sport etc that she just doesn't have at her current school). My mother is willing to chip in towards the fees. I'd also like her to have the chance to spend time outside London, in the countryside, with space to play, horses to ride, rural idyll sort of thing .

So, I've found a lovely school in Hertfordshire and have been debating whether it will be best for us to move there, rent a three-bedroomed place, get another au pair or, for me to remain in London in our house, DD to weekly board and come home at weekends.

Whatever option we take, there's little chance that she'll see much, if any, of me, from Monday to Friday, since I'll be working long long hours. So, would it be best for her at home with an au pair, or best at school, boarding with friends?

DD is confident, very social, very adaptable. She's stayed with friends of mine, with family and with her friends on many occasions and never batted an eyelid. She says she'd prefer to weekly board and be with frieds at school, then catch up with her London friends at weekends. I'm undecided. I boarded at 11, was homesick for two terms, then settled in fine.

Are there any people out there who have had children weekly board successfully from aged nine onwards? Or anyone with any words of wisdom?

Hi RockinSockBunnies,

I have no experience, but would say that on the basis of what you have said weekly boarding with you living exactly where you are now sounds a good idea. You have a lot to take on with new job so staying in the same home for the time being might be a good thing while the other changes are established. If your daughter is a confident etc as you know her to be this will be an amazing opportunity for her. You have experience of boarding so will be able to anticipate and support her while she settles in.

Once you have the measure of the job and your daughter is settled at school then you could arrange to move out closer to school.

I hope it all works out well for you both, I am sure it will, lucky you

Thank you! I was expecting to get flamed, so having a positive response is great

Why would anyone flame you? You are trying to make the choice that gives your DD the best chance of stability and continuity. We pay and I would never consider boarding. Refused to even look at schools that hada mix. However, your family circumstances dictate a need and I think you're being very sensible.

If you move to Herts will she be attending the same school as a day girl? If so and there aren't very many day girls then she may find that a difficult option. What percentage of girls board? If it's very high then boarding sounds the best option as she will be in the same boat as everyone else.

Depending whereabouts in Herts it is you can get there fairly quickly on the Thameslink though you may prefer to be closer just in case.

At least she has the personality for it. If she was shy or lacked confidence I'd say it was a bad idea but it sounds like she'd be fine.

The fact your DD knows what she wants is a huge plus in my eyes.

thing is, I wonder how much is your guilt iyswim.

I work long hours too and I know exactly how you feel but you would, most likely, see her in the morning every day (unless she's a very good sleeper!) and I tend to keep mine up late on Friday night and we all have a take away.

Don't think just because you work long hours it will be better for her not to have you around at all. If you can see her for half an hour in the morning and the odd evening when you are not so busy then that's a plus. Also, I'm sure there will be days when you can come home on time but then work once she is in bed.

Well, the school that I'm looking at is co-ed, with one boarding house for boys and one for girls. Apparently, by Yr 5, quite a few children weekly board (though not sure of exact percentages).

I'm considering moving out and commuting in, but only drawbacks would be worrying whether the au pair was ok (especially as au pair would have to drive DD to and from school which is a bit worrying if the au pair hasn't driven in the UK before), as well as being even more exhausted than I will be by adding commuting time to an already long day.
Also, DD is keen to see her London friends still, so by staying here, she'd have two sets of friends - those from the new school and those at her current school in London.

I'm hoping that if DD did weekly board, that I'd still be able to spend Friday evenings staying up late with her, as I tend to do anyway on a Friday. Not quite sure of the logistics of collecting her on a Friday evening, but hopefully could devise a strategy.

If it helps my brother weekly boarded from the age of 8. He had been a day pupil at the same school and was starting full tiem boarding at 11 so my parents decided it was easier for him to get a feel for boarding when we were nearby. We lived very close to the school so if he didn't like it he could have come home but he loved it, was like a sleepover every night apparently.

I think that it sounds quite sensible in your situation. What does your DD think?

You're quite sure you will be working long hours as a trainee? I am in the London office of a national law firm, and the hours are not that long. Especially now! Some firms would be different, I know, and there is a problem with controlling your hours when you are a trainee.

I think my question really means I think you should consider whether your chosen school will work for you and DD if it turns out that you can, in fact, go for a day school option after all - or if she doesn't settle as a boarder.

Thing is if you find it is a disaster and your dd hates it you can always take her out.
I think having that option would be v. reassuring for your dd.

my dss weekly boards. it was a huge change from being at home with his mum and baby sisters and he still moans on a sunday night when he goes back. but scratch the surface and he LOVES it. the kids are great at his school and they do loads of fun stuff during the week.

IME there is a difference between boarding-lite schools, where weekly boarders go home on Friday afternoon and come back on Monday morning, and trad boarding prep schools where 'weekly boarding' means going home on Saturday after morning school/activities and being back at school on Sunday evening.

I'd want to be v. clear which we were talking about, tbh.

Sorry, you did say in your OP what your DD thought! I think it is worth a try for you both.

and i second ggirl, if she hates it the school will be very supportive for as long as it takes for her to feel comfortable

and after that if she still really hates it you can take her out, so no brainer really

Being nosy - are you talking about BS college?

I think it's a good point having a back-up plan if DD doesn't like it. If she doesn't, then obviously I would try and get an au pair ASAP and have her at home.

Fridayschild - Though I would be very happy to be proved wrong, I'm fairly sure that long hours will be involved at the firm that I'm going to! Obviously depends on the department that I'll be sitting in, but I very much doubt I'll be home before 8-9pm on most evenings. Other evenings, I'll probably be sleeping under my desk!

Is there any chance of your delaying your traineeship a couple of years until she is secondary school age?

Hulababy - no chance of that as I've already signed on the dotted line, plus I'm already a few years older than most trainees (mostly owing to somewhat unexpected "Gap Years" where I had DD!), so if I left things much later I'd be significantly older than most of my intake.

Also, the school is a prep school, going up to 13. So, if DD goes at aged 9, she'll have a good four years to make friends, enjoy the place etc, which is why I prefer to move her sooner rather than later.

ellingwoman - no, though I had a look around the college! School I'm talking about is a bit further west!

My concern would also be how tired you will be at weekends, and how often work by over run into weekend time.

Primary aged kids always think that they will stay in contact with their old buddies when they move on to different schools but it seldom happens.
Don't you think that it would be better to move out to Herts so that her school friends and w/e friends are one-and-the-same? You also said that you wanted the 'rural idyll sort of thing'.

You sound as if you want to give the weekly boarding a go. Have a back up plan if you can and be very open to your DD not liking it. That would be my thoughts.

We are considering weekly boarding for dd when she is of secondary age as I work very long hours and struggle with my health so it may be a better option for dd. We have tried live in help befire and it did not work. I need more pursuading but dd is very keen.

oshgosh - I really do like the idea of a rural idyll, or at least a suburban idyll ! I get somewhat disheartened by the general grey-ness of London. Part of me would love to move out of London, get a place with more space, more countryside etc. But then from a pragmatic point of view, I have to work in the City so don't want a massively long commute, plus all my friends are here. I'd be scared of moving to a new place, with no friends.

Also, whilst our last au pair was brilliant, I know that we were very lucky to have had her, considering the many horror stories I hear about them. I'll be working in an environment where I won't be able to dash off if there are sudden child-care issues.

At the same time, education-wise, I do want DD to move schools fairly soon. I also want her to be enjoy being at school at a place where she can run in fields, play sports etc. Also, as she gets older, I worry about her being mugged here, which seems par for the course for school-children in North London.

It's all too confusing!

On the upside, RSB, my dd1 is 14 and at a North London state school, takes a lot of public transport and has never been mugged or felt threatened.

Rockinsock - I really can't help feeling that Y4 is too early for weekly boarding if the school is not a pure boarding school, no matter how mature your dd sounds.

I weekly boarded from the age of 8 t a day school and being in the minority (probably 30% boarded) was not particularly enjoyable when most of the school had gone home each evening. Although we had lots of activities each afternoon after lessons, mixed boarding / day schools are neither one thing nor the other and no matter how much was laid on for us it didn't fill the emotional hole of feeling left behind at the end of the day and missing out on the family home to go back to.

When I moved at age 11 to a full boarding school it was a completely different experience and most of my friends and I loved the experience being together all the time!

BTW, I now live in North London and neither of my two dc have been mugged. Despite us living near a zone 2 tube station and near some fairly rough schools